311 ㅡ ♕ Aku berdamai denganmu, diriku.

“Aku ingin menemukan kedamaian dan kebahagiaan dalam hidup, maka aku mencoba mengenal diriku lebih dalam dan pada akhirnya, aku berdamai dengan hatiku.”

Aku terjebak di antara mereka yang bersikukuh membuatku mengambil jalan yang tak kuyakini. Kedua kaki jenjangku melangkah dengan berat setiap mentari membangunkanku dari indahnya sebuah mimpi yang nyaman kutinggali. Setiap embusan napas membawa terbang sebuah harapan akan datangnya titik terang yang menuntunku untuk bertahan. Tangis air mata seringnya menjadi hadiah bagi diri yang terjaga dalam kesepian malam saat mereka terpejam.

Aku tak berdaya, namun apa daya tak mampu bersuara.

Aku tak ingin, namun apa mungkin aku berani musnahkan seluruh harapan.

Pernah terpikirkan untuk berhenti, namun tak pandai aku menyakiti.

Pernah terbayangkan untuk berlari, namun tak mampu aku berdiri sendiri.

Banyak hal membuat titik air menetes. Banyak hal membuat isak tangis menemani malam. Banyak hal terjadi tanpa permisi. Ingin bersuara, tetapi lidah kelu. Ingin biarkan hati bicara, tetapi hanya air mata bantu ungkapkan rasa. Ingin merangkai kata, tetapi benak tak mampu genggam erat sebuah pena.

Terjebak dalam pikiran akan ketakutan hilang dari ingatan, hati kesal tunjukkan ekspresi. Terjerat dalam emosi yang begitu membuat tubuh meringkuk, kedua sudut bibir mengarah ke bawah seakan melupakan cara tersenyum.

Jika diperbolehkan bicara, ingin sekali menegur bibir yang selalu membicarakan hal yang terlalu membuat hati ciut. Tidak terluka, hanya pedih tergores. Jika diperbolehkan ungkapkan rasa, ingin rasanya meminta sebuah perhatian tanpa adanya perbandingan. Tak memaksa, hanya berusaha menenangkan hati. Jika diperbolehkan menangis, ingin membuat mereka menatap pedihnya hati yang tergores, batin yang terluka, dan senyum yang pudar tanpa pernah tertangkap pandang. Tidak meminta belas kasih, hanya ingin sepasang mata masing-masing sadar akan suara hati yang menitikkan air mata.

Ketakutan merajalela diri akibat cemas tak mampu menggapai bintang yang sama. Akankah perlakuan berbeda diberikan? Keresahan membuat sepasang netra tak siap untuk bermimpi. Akankah takdir menuntun ke jalan yang berbeda?

Terlalu lelah untuk mendengar. Terlalu sakit untuk kembali diulang. Terlalu cemas untuk menatap masa depan. Terlalu rendah menatap diri.

Bermimpi saja sudah tak berani dilakukan. Masa depan tak tentu arah. Akan ke mana, akan pergi ke mana, akan sampai di mana, dan harus bagaimana. Banyak pertanyaan terlontar tanpa harapan akan menemukan jawaban, dan hanya keheningan malam yang menemani.

Kembali, rasa perih di dada tak mampu membuat diri berpikir jernih. Ingin terdiam seribu bahasa, namun kelopak mata tak ingin berteman. Air mata mengalir, meski dalam usaha membangun pertahanan diri untuk tegar. Ingin menyimpan saja, namun kotak hati sudah terlalu penuh dengan hal yang sama setiap waktunya. Jeritan hati membuat air terus mengalir membasahi kelopak mata.

Sudah terlalu lelah membiarkan. Sudah terlalu lama memendam. Sudah terlalu kesal meratapi. Sudah terlalu sakit untuk melangkah.

Tak ada waktu untuk membicarakan kehidupan, terutama milik seseorang yang tak pernah menggapai sesuatu yang cemerlang. Tak ada tempat untuk beristirahat, terutama bagi seseorang yang tak memiliki tujuan. Tak memiliki tujuan dan mimpi, ternyata lebih letih.

Aku terdiam, mengurung diri di kamar.

Aku berpikir, mengingat seluruh suka dan duka yang telah kulewati.

Sebuah perasaan nyaman yang dulu kurasakan saat bersenda gurau, bersama dengan waktu yang bergulir pun perlahan ikut melipir. Ke mana rasa itu pergi?

Sebuah perasaan aman yang dulu kurasakan saat berkumpul, bersama dengan titik air hujan yang jatuh pun perlahan sirna. Ke mana rasa itu sekarang?

Aku merasa hancur, babak belur karena ulahku sendiri.

Aku terlalu sering merasa rendah untuk bahkan menengadah memandang langit, merasa diri tak berhak memandang ratusan bintang yang bersinar terang dengan tegar meski gelapnya malam memeluk erat.

Selalu bertanya-tanya, “Apakah aku pantas bahagia?”

Selalu mengambil kesimpulan, “Aku tidak pantas dicintai.”

Lambat laun, aku merasa begitu buruk, dan dalam keterpurukan itu, aku membuka hati untuk mencari diriku yang tenggelam seorang diri, dan ternyata … aku menemukan bahwa aku tak sendiri. Aku menemukan mereka di sana.

Ternyata, selama ini, aku yang tak pernah membuka pintu, membuang semua kebahagiaan dan tenggelam dalam pikiranku sendiri.

Kenyamanan yang selama ini kurasa telah lenyap, ternyata selalu merengkuhku dalam diam.

Kebahagiaan yang selama ini kurasa hanya hadir dalam mimpi, ternyata memiliki bentuk nyata dalam hidup.

Aku hanya harus merasa puas dengan segala hal yang kulakukan tanpa pernah sekalipun putus asa. Aku, pantang menyerah.

Aku mencoba berdamai, dengan harapan pandanganku akan hidup dapat berubah karena benar adanya, mereka ada untukku. 

Harapan mereka, adalah harapanku. 

Kebahagiaan mereka, adalah kebahagiaanku. 

Aku, hanya perlu berdamai dengan diriku.

“Berdamai dengan diri sendiri sama saja seperti mencintai diri sendiri. Ingat, kita semua pantas bahagia.”

310 ㅡ ♕ Ada aku yang merindu.

Jangan hanya menunggu.

Tak perlu meragu,

sebab di balik sendumu,

ada aku yang merindu.

309 ㅡ ♕ Aku memang begini, tak suka hal-hal tinggi.

Ini adalah kisah tentang angan dan kenyataan.

Bukan tentang dia yang tanpa sadar membuatku jatuh cinta, kemudian menghempaskan diriku begitu saja. 

Semua begitu indah, sampai suatu hari dia mematahkan sayapku, dan mencampakkan aku kembali ke tanah. 

Aku pernah bermimpi; seorang pria menghampiriku yang sedang duduk sendirian di sebuah taman.

Tanpa kawan; aku memang sedang tenggelam dalam pikiran tentang angan. 

Dia mampir dengan maksud menjadi titik akhir dari seluruh penantian panjangku.
Setidaknya, itulah yang aku harapkan menjadi satu alasan pasti mengapa dia datang ke dalam hidupku. 

Aku tak peduli siapa dia, setampan apa rupanya.

Aku tak memimpikan seorang pangeran berkuda putih datang membawa emas dan berlian.

Aku pun tak berangan ingin dihujani pujian dan harta kekayaan.

Aku tidak butuh semua itu.

Bohong, pasti ada yang merasa aku hanya melakoni peran.

Atau, memang sudah diucapkan untuk menceramahiku.

Sungguh, telingaku panas.

Aku memang begini, tak suka hal-hal tinggi.

Hanya akan memilih dia yang mencintai sepenuh hati.

308 ㅡ ♕ Dia hanya terlalu mudah pahami manusia bisa berubah.

Aku punya cerita

tentang dara

yang mudah suka,

kata mereka.

Sesungguhnya,
dia hanya terlalu mudah

pahami manusia bisa berubah

kala sedang jatuh cinta.

ㅡ dia,

puan penikmat rindu

yang ditinggal melulu

sebab jalannya lurus;

tak harap muluk.

Hanya sederhana,
jika kamu baca,

cukup ketahui sesuatu,

dia tak akan minta ini itu.

Tampaknya justru sebab itu

semua hanya berlalu

tanpa coba pahami

isi relung hati.

Bukan masalah,

tenang tak sampai luka.

Hanya lelah,

jadi tak perlu singgah.

307 ㅡ ♕ Time Capsule: Ten Years From Now

To: Han Jinhee, 31 years old.

Dear me,

In 10 years from now, you'll be 31 years old. Hopefully you have found your soul mate and you are married. I truly hope that you have found someone you love and please be with someone who loves you just the way you are; someone who takes a good care of you; someone who really wants you in his life. Are you happy right now? I wish your answer would be a yes since today and ever since I have gone through so much struggle, I really want you to stand strong and always be happy. Don't ever let anyone bring you down, and don't ever stop smiling because you know that you're beautiful. You have such a beautiful heart and a pretty face to be proud of. You have been doing great. You have been thinking positively. You have been living a good life. Your mindset is amazing and I want you to keep being like that. Remember that you are not a disappointment. Remember that you are special. You can dance, sing, and play guitar. You can write stories; poems; songs, and you like to read good quality books. You can speak 4 languages. You are smart. No one can be like you. You are strong enough. You are enough. I want you to know that when you were 21 years old, you have gone through so much struggle that left scars and pain in your soul, but I know that in 10 years from now, you have overcome everything and you even become someone better. You are a happy woman. You are beautiful just the way you are.

If you happened to marry someone who treats you bad, remember that this is not the end. Everything can change if you're willing to try. Even if you are the one who works hard trying to change your life to be happier and better, that's fine, as long as you try. You know God will always be with you. Don't ever stop trying. Everything will be better in the end. If it's not a happy ending, then it's not the end. I really want you to marry someone you love and someone who really wants you in his life. If you happened to marry The One, then Thank God, you're doing great. You'll be fine. You'll build a little family under the name of God and I believe you will teach your children the true meaning of love. But, if you didn't end up marrying anyone, or still haven't found your The One until now, it's truly fine. That means I know my family issue still there and be a burden. That's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame your life. You are fine. You are okay. Don't be disappointed. Don't give up. You are living a good life. Focus on your career and be a happy woman. You are a special woman whom no one can get just by offering something unworthy. You are worth chasing and you are worthy to feel the best man's love. You are being really good. So, one thing that I want you to always remember, don't look back and ask why, but staring straight to the future because what matters most is the future. You have such a bright future, and you'll be just fine living your life all alone without any man beside you, because you are strong enough to make yourself happier and better. Don't ever forget that God will guide you, always. I love you, me.

I have something important to tell you. If you're married and God gives you children, you will have to remember these things I've written down here for you. This is a reminder for you to be a better mom and make your children happier than ever. You're doing great, I bet, but trust me, once in a while you need to read this; to remind you that you've gone through so much in the past, and you know that you don't want your past that you've gone through to be the future for your children. So, read slowly, and rewind all the things. Without tears, okay?

First, be a mom who thinks positively about your children. See the good things in what they they do, praise them regularly, and trust them that they can be what they want to be. Let them do what they want to do even if you think that's gonna hurt them, because that way, you'll teach them that they can try hard and fall, but you're always gonna be beside them, embracing them, showing your love through your support. I want you to be a supportive mom. If your daughter likes singing and dancing, let her be in a dance community, let her be a student of  a dance school, make her proud that she can sing by praising her whenever she sings. If your son likes sports, then let him be the best of the best by letting him learn more about playing basketball or soccer. Let him be the boy at school who has many girl fans. Let your children shine by being a supportive mom, so that your children can be opened to you about their feelings and personal lives. 

Second, you can get angry, but remember not to say harsh words that can hurt their feelings. Don't ever say something that can make they lost their confidence. Don't ever think that just by saying harsh words, they can realize and be a better person. No, it's a big no. Because of you being harsh, you're just making the gap bigger. Embrace them. Ask them why, and always try to come up with a solution instead of wanting your children to be the best children by themselves. They can't learn by themselves. You have to be their role model. You have to teach them the true meaning of love. Mother love. Maybe they can be like you, learning something by themselves, but don't let them learn everything alone because you'll lose them. You'll forget that you have to guide them and be beside them. You'll forget that you need to be by their sides even if they don't need you. You'll be erased by them. Your presence won't be strong anymore. So, I want you to stand beside them. Don't say something hurtful, but embrace them, hug them, and just say that everything's gonna be alright and they can tell you everything because you will never judge them. You'll hear their stories from A to Z and you'll be a mom who ruffles their hair and pats their head while saying that mommy gonna be there for you through ups and downs, so don't ever give up on life, because whatever it takes, mommy will be there for you, cheer you up, and love you all the way. Praise them, because they have gone through hardships, but still standing straight. Tell them that it's okay to cry, because that means they have feelings, they can feel the pain, and that what makes them stronger. There's always rainbow after the rain, so there will be better things happened in the future. Believe it or not, I trust you. I know you can be a better mom, an amazing mom, and a mom that your children adore. I believe in you, so you should try and always believe in yourself too.

Third, don't force your children to be what you want them to be. Ask them what they want. You can guide them, but let them choose their right paths. If your son wants to be a doctor, then let him be one even if you know that things would get hard for him, but trust him, let him be one. If he failed and wanted to give up, don't raise your voice, calm down, smile, and embrace him. Tell him that he has gone through so much until this time; where he stands right now, encourage him to continue by making him reminiscing the days when he really wanted to become a doctor. Instead of raising your voice or even show your anger to him, make him realize that he actually wanted to be doctor ever since he was a kid. If he really wanted to be a successful man, he would continue his studies, but if it didn't happen according to the plan, then ask him, what exactly he wants in life. Guide him so that he would be someone better; someone that matters in this world. But always remember not to raise your voice. You've gone through such dilemma, so I bet you already knew the feeling. Don't do the same mistake. You have to be a better mom. No pressure, do it with love and God will be by your side. Listen to your children's stories and be there for them. Don't say harsh words. Don't raise your voice. Be there for them, and be a mother for them. You're gonna be okay and they'll be fine. You'll build a happy and better family.

Fourth, when your daughter reached the age of falling in love, don't make her stay at home. Let her mingle with her friends, but teach her to value her body and life. Teach her to be a lady who has class. Teach her to be polite. Make her realize that she is a special woman. Let her gets to know men. Encourage her when she's afraid of being in a relationship. Don't say that "no one will love you if you're being like this" but say "you're beautiful just the way you are, so just be yourself" because you'll make her hate herself if you say harsh words. You'll make her scared of being in relationship, moreover scared of making her own little family. She will be super sad, so remember not to say something like that. She will end up hating you, and you don't want that to happen right? Believe me. She wants to find her The One, so you should teach her and guide her, instead of locking her in a room and making her lose all of her confidence to mingle with men. When she's feeling low, don't let her stay in the dark all alone, but embrace her, be there by her side even without words. Just by being there for her, you already showed your support in whatever she's going through or whatever she's doing. She might not be as strong as her classmates, but she's your daughter, that means you'll have to worry more about her mental and emotional feelings more than anyone. You have to understand her. You have to try putting yourself in her shoes because even though you're her mother, she has her own battle and it is definitely different from what you've gone through in the past when you were around her age. Everyone has their own battles, so you have to embrace her and tell her that everything is gonna be alright. Be there for her and don't ever let her feel worthless. If she wants to cry, make sure she cries in your embrace. 

Fifth, your children are your priorities, so don't compare them with any other child. Everyone has their own capacity and capability of doing things. You have to remember that. Love your children. Although they're not perfect, but they are the children of your future; the children from your womb. So if you insult them, that means you're insulting yourself. Remain calm whenever they make mistakes, and teach them with love. Be a true mother, instead of only a mother. Your children will be a better woman and man in the future if you let them fly. Safe place isn't always good, they need to grow in a dangerous environment to be a better person. It is okay to set them free, but by being there for them, you know that they will always reach out to you, and they will never want to make you disappointed. So, I believe, they will do their best to make you proud even without you knowing; without you wanting; and without you saying anything. They will respect you because they love you, not because you tell them to love and respect you. You know that is true.

I don't know what to say anymore. I just want you to be happy first, so that you can meet your The One, if you haven't met him until you're 31 years old. Love yourself, love your life. You are a special woman, and you're beautiful just the way you are. 

I love you, Jinhee. I will always love you. 

From: Han Jinhee, 21 years old.

306 ㅡ ♕ 나는 행복해야 한다.

다이어리 안녕! 

날 보고싶지? 난 널 너무 보고싶었어... 근데 현실이 이제 달랐으니까 행복하게 살아야지! 안그래? 이제 와서 미안해. 드디어 왔어... 내가 잘지냈으면 좋겠지? 어~ 난 잘지냈어. 그래서 걱정마...

그거 알아... 나 이제 너무 행복해. 우는 시간이 없어. 믿어지지 않아도 난 진짜 괜찮아. 어~ 다 괜찮아졌어 그래서 너도 행복할수 있어. 그래... 행복하자!

근데 나 가끔... 아직 여러가지 일은 많이 생각하고 있거든. 오늘밤도 똑같아. 내 미래 어떻게 될지 진짜 모르겠네...

내가 가는 이 길이 어디로 가는지... 어디로 날 데려가는지... 그곳은 어딘지... 알 수 없지만 오늘도 난 걸어가고 있네. 사람들은 길이 다 정해져 있는지 아니면 자기가 자신의 길을 만들어 가는지... 알 수 없지만 이렇게 또 걸어가고 있네. 나는 왜 이길에 서 있나? 이게 정말 나의 길인가? 이길의 끝에서 내 꿈은 이뤄질까?

무엇이 내게 정말 기쁨을 주는지... 돈인지... 명옌지... 아니면 내가 사랑하는 사람들인지... 알 고 싶지만 아직도 답을 내릴수 없네. 자신있게 나의 길이라고 말하고 싶고... 그렇게 믿고... 돌아보지 않고... 후회도 하지 않고... 걷고 싶지만 아직도 나는 자신이 없네. 나는 무엇을 꿈꾸는가? 그건 누굴 위한 꿈일까? 그 꿈을 이루면 난 웃을 수 있을까?

지금 내가 어디로 가는 걸까? 나는 무엇을 위해 살아야만 하는가?

난 항상 행복 해지고 싶어... 너도 알지? 근데 네가 알아? 난 원래 행복했던 애잖아... 이제 깨달았어 난 행복한 여자야. 처음부터 지금까지 항상 행복해. 사랑을 많이 받고 난 내 자신을 믿고 사랑하고 있어 그래서 이제 날 걱정하지마. 난 행복하게 살 수 있어서 너도 행복해라.

오늘은 여기까지야. 잘자 내 친구. 너는 착하고 예쁘고 똑똑하고 순수하고... 충분해. 

기억해... 난 널 너무 사랑해. 굿나잇!