346 ㅡ ♕ I need you now, but I don't know you yet.

How can you miss someone you've never met?

Because I need you now, but I don't know you yet.

Can you find me soon because I'm in my head?

Yeah, I need you now, but I don't know you yet.

Because lately it's been hard.

But I only got half a heart to give to you, and I hope it's enough.

How can you miss someone you've never seen?

Oh, tell me, are your eyes brown, blue, or green?

And do you like it with sugar and cream?

Or do you take it straight, just like me?

I need you now, but I don't know you yet.

345 ㅡ ♕ Someday, I know someone’s gonna be there.

Someday, you're gonna realize. One day, you'll see this through my eyes. By then, I won't even be there. I'll be happy somewhere, even if I can't.

I know you don't really see my worth. You think you're the last guy on earth. Well, I've got news for you. I know that I'm not that strong. But, it won't take long.

Because, someday someone's gonna love me the way I wanted you to need me. Someday someone's gonna take your place. One day, I'll forget about you. You'll see I won't even miss you.

Someday, someday.

Right now, I know you can't tell, I'm down and I'm not doing well. But, one day these tears, they will all run dry. I won't have to cry sweet goodbye. 

Someday, I know someone's gonna be there. 

305 ㅡ ♕ Nothing heals the past like time, and they can't steal the love you're born to find.

To: Han Jinhee

I look up from the ground to see your sad and teary eyes. You look away from me, and I see there's something you're trying to hide. And I reach for your hand, but it's cold. You pull away again, and I wonder what's on your mind. And then you say to me you made a dumb mistake. You start to tremble, and your voice begins to break. You say the cigarettes on the counter weren't your friends. They were my mates, and I feel the color draining from my face. And my friend said, "I know you love her, but it's over, mate. It doesn't matter, put the phone away. It's never easy to walk away, let her go. It'll be alright."

So I still look back at all the messages you'd sent. And I know it wasn't right, but it was fucking with my head. And everything deleted like the past, it was gone. And when I touched your face, I could tell you're moving on. But it's not the fact that you kissed him yesterday. It's the feeling of betrayal, that I just can't seem to shake. And everything I know tells me that I should walk away. But I just want to stay. And my friend said, "I know you love her, but it's over, mate. It doesn't matter, put the phone away. It's never easy to walk away, let her go. It'll be okay. It's gonna hurt for a bit of time. So bottoms up, let's forget tonight. You'll find another and you'll be just fine. Let her go."

But nothing heals the past like time. And they can't steal the love you're born to find. It'll be alright.

From: me

304 ㅡ ♕ I'm a shining solo.

To: me 

Innocent and delicate. I'm tired of pretending. I'm done.

What are you up to? Where are you? Did you eat? Good night.

Baby, darling, honey, I miss you. It's all useless.

You got me like. This is not a touching love story. No romance, no sincerity. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. From today on I'm a shining solo. 

Used to be your girl. Now I'm used to being the GOAT. You're sitting on your feelings. I'm sitting on my throne. I ain't got no time for the troubles in your eyes. This time I'm only looking at me, myself, and I. I'm going solo. I'ma do it on my own now. Now that you're alone, got you looking for a clone now. So low. That's how I'm getting down. Destined for this and the crown. Sing it loud like, this is not a touching love story. No romance, no sincerity. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. From today on I'm a shining solo. 

I'm a shining solo. I'm going solo.

After the relationship, romance, emotion, there's breakup, tears, regret, longing. I like being alone, because I should be true to myself. Like the flowing wind. Like the stars above the clouds. I want to go far away, I want to shine brightly. 

Now I'm going solo. I'm a shining solo. I'm going solo. 

From: Han Jinhee

303 ㅡ ♕ You were brave yesterday, you are brave today, and you’ll be braver tomorrow.

To: Han Jinhee in 2019

Hi, hello, 안녕.

This is gonna be a quick reminder for you. Even if there’s no one standing beside you right now, remember that I will always be there for you. You’ll be okay. You’ll do well. You’ll get to do what you love. You’ll be the best version of yourself, and no one could ever bring you down. If today you don’t feel like talking to anyone, then don’t force yourself. You don’t live to please others. I’ll remind you once again that you are perfect just the way you are. You are loved, and you deserve the whole world. If there are people who make you feel uncomfortable with yourself, leave them, darling. Why? Because you have to love yourself more. You are more than you think you are. You are stronger than you think you are. You’ll survive this world. 

No one could ever drag you down because you are now walking your own path. You’re now enjoying your life to the fullest. You can stand strong alone. You were brave yesterday, you are brave today, and you’ll be braver tomorrow. You don’t need anyone to stand beside you because even if you are alone, you can do everything you like and you can be happy. Being happy is a state of mind. You are happy. You have found your happiness. It’s within you. You have loved yourself even more now and that’s what makes you stronger than ever. You won’t be crying because of small things anymore. You’ll be fine with people come and go from your life. That’s a part of learning. That’s life.

This is gonna be the most important thing that I want you to remember. Please be with someone who loves you just the way you are. Be with someone who makes you happy for no reason. Be with someone who makes you feel loved. Don’t be with someone who only makes you lose your confidence. Don’t be with someone who values you only because of your looks, your stuffs, and your outfits, but be with someone who sincerely making an effort to get to know you better. Yes, effort, not just by words, but real efforts, not excuses. Be with someone who makes you feel special, not with someone who loves making others feel the same as you. Be with someone who sincerely wants to build dreams with you, not with someone who only placing you as an option. I know you. I know what kind of person you are. When you want to be with someone, you’ll go with that person no matter what happens, but it’s extremely hard to make you fall for someone since you actually don’t really believe in what they called love. Well, especially when a man already stepped on a boundary you have built, like making you lose your confidence by saying words you don’t like to hear, making you hate yourself, or just simply doing things you don’t like by being impolite, and I know when you don’t like it, you’ll leave everything behind, even if you have thought for a brief moment that you might end up with this person. No one knows what’s ahead, no one knows the future, but I’m sure you’ll end up with someone who makes you happy, not with someone who only makes you feel insecure. It’s not easy to make you fall head over heels because you’ve come to a realization that you love yourself more, so you want the person you’re dating to love you sincerely for who you are, not for what you are. You have the power. You are strong. That’s what I like about you. You are a strong character.

So, don’t mind others. This is your world. This is your life. You can be whatever you want. Live this life by being who you are. God creates you with lots of talent and you are perfect for Him, so don’t let others bring you down. You don’t need people to value your existence, but you have to love yourself even more because no one is ugly, and no one’s life is bad. You just have to change your perspective of seeing things in life. If today you see yourself as a bad luck person, then go to your room, lock the door, and talk to God. You’ll find peace and you’ll be okay.

Trust me. Believe in yourself. In 2019, you are going to achieve something and when you re-read this letter, you’ll smile, because you’ve done something really great. I’m writing this when I’m just settled down everything. I’ve prepared plans for you in 2019 and I hope you like it. I hope you’ll enjoy life by doing all my plans. You don’t need anyone to make you happy, darling, because you have the power to be happy. You are such a nice person, and I know you’ll get everything nice in the future. Just so you know, I’m leaving all the toxic things, toxic people, toxic state of minds behind to come this far. You’ll be very happy in 2019, and don’t forget to thank me later.

From: me in 2018

302 ㅡ ♕ It’s enough to chase and be chased.

To: Han Jinhee

I’ve analyzed lots of stuff. All the things he did to you, all the words he said to you were completely something you avoid. The words he said sometimes become a little hurtful and what he did sometimes makes you feel uneasy. At first, you thought that would be interesting to try going out with a person like that, but deep in your heart, the score is zero. Am I right? At first, you thought he might be the one, but now you know he’s just a passerby. Well, things got complicated at some point, and there was the time when you seriously thought about everything. You thought you liked him when you actually not. You thought you have found your happiness when you actually not. You thought he might be the one for you, but he’s actually not. You two are most likely strangers to each other, I guess, so I think you don’t really have to explain everything in words since I know you don’t like going straight to something unclear. You also don’t like being the one who thought both of you had something when you two actually not, so I’m gonna let you leave him be.

You’ve learned more things about life. You are now loving yourself even more. You are more confident, and you’re more beautiful since you’re happier. It’s really a nice decision to stop everything and going back to where you used to be. Being alone is not a crime. You are stronger alone, so why bother wanting someone to stand beside you? It’s a nuisance. You are surrounded by lots of great people like your family, your friends, and all the people who taught you how to survive in this cruel world. So, all you need is yourself going really strong because you have the power to live proudly.

You know what, I think it’s a nice decision to forget everything and start doing things that make you happier. Even if it means you’re going back to your routine, but it’s better than keeping toxic people in your life and doing toxic thing that isn’t your style. It’s a perfect decision to start over. You’ll be okay. You’ve done well. You’re doing great. I’m proud of you.

It’s enough to chase and be chased. I know you’re tired of everything. Because of that, I want you to shut people out, and start thinking about your own future for now because I want you to be happier first. I want you to be that one person who resonates happiness to others. Well, if they think that you might reconsider everything, then they need to give up since I know you will never going back and you’ll never turn your head when you’ve decided to move forward. So, keep this in your mind that you can do it! You can be whatever you want. Build your dreams and make them all happen. Don’t forget to do everything with love because God loves you so much, so you have to love yourself even more.

From: me

301 ㅡ ♕ It’s my decision to decide.

To: Han Jinhee

Being in love isn’t like this. Wake up, and start analyzing some things. It’s about give and give, not give and take. If it’s about taking for granted, then it is not right to keep moving forward. You will have to stop everything and close the book. Stop writing another chapter that isn’t going anywhere, but only breaking your heart. You deserve to be a decision, not an option. You deserve to be loved.

It’s no use to going back doing all the sweet things since I know you’ve done thinking and you’ll start working on what’s written in your plans for 2019 soon. It’s too late. It’s now my decision to decide.

From: me

298 ㅡ ♕ They don't realize that I'm thinking of you.

I know where to lay. 

I know what to say.

It's all the same.

I know how to play. 

I know this game. 

It's all the same. 

Now, if I keep my eyes closed, he looks just like you. 

But, he'll never stay, they never do. 

Now, if I keep my eyes closed, he feels just like you. 

But, you've been replaced. I'm face to face with someone new.

Would have gave it all for you, cared for you. So tell me where I went wrong.

Would have gave it all for you, cared for you. My lover, my liar.

Would have trade it all for you, there for you. So tell me how to move on.

Would have trade it all for you, cared for you. My lover, my liar.

They don't realize that I'm thinking of you. 

It's nothing new.

294 ㅡ ♕ Tonight, I’ll send the glow of a firefly to somewhere near your window.

이 밤 그날의 반딧불을 당신의 창 가까이 보낼게요. 사랑한다는 말이에요. 나 우리의 첫 입맞춤을 떠올려. 그럼 언제든 눈을 감고 가장 먼 곳으로 가요. 난 파도가 머물던 모래 위에 적힌 글씨처럼. 그대가 멀리 사라져 버릴 것 같아 늘 그리워... 그리워... 여기 내 마음속에 모든 말을 다 꺼내어 줄 순 없지만... 사랑한다는 말이에요. 어떻게 나에게 그대란 행운이 온 걸까? 지금 우리 함께 있다면 얼마나 좋을까요? 나의 일기장 안에 모든 말을 다 꺼내어 줄 순 없지만... 사랑한다는 말. 이 밤 그날의 반딧불을 당신의 창 가까이 띄울게요. 좋은 꿈 이길 바라요...

Tonight, I’ll send the glow of a firefly to somewhere near your window. It’s that I love you. I remember our first kiss. I close my eyes whenever I can and go to the farthest place. Just like letters on the sand where waves were, I feel you’ll disappear to a far off place. I always miss you... miss you... All the words in my heart, I can’t show them all to you. But, it’s that I love you. How can I be so lucky to have met you, who is a blessing? If we’re together now, how great it’d be? In my diary, all the words, I can’t show them all to you. It’s that I love you. Tonight, I’ll send the glow of a firefly to somewhere near your window. I hope it’s a good dream...

293 ㅡ ♕ Just ignore me and pass by... before I want you more.

한번도 이런 적 없죠... 내 맘이 맘처럼 안돼요. 매일 걷던 이 거리마저도 왜 이리 꿈처럼 아름다운지? 천천히 한 걸음씩 내 심장은 그런데 너무 빨라요. 이러다 먼저 울어버릴까 봐 두려워... 혹시 알게 되어도 말하지마요... 나를 안아주지마요 이 밤이 지나가면 모든게 없어질 것만 같아요. 자꾸 그대만 보여요. 나 혼자만 가질 사랑인데 모르는 척 지나가줘요... 더 원하기 전에. 그대가 미소 질때마다 점점 더 약해지는 내 맘 아는지? 지금 뒤돌아보지말아요. 울고 있는 얼굴로 나 기억되긴 싫어. 잘가란 말 차마 하지 못해 보내고 있어. 아니... 난 보낸 적 없어요. 이미 다 알잖아요. 내가 달려갈게요... 내일이 절대 오지 않아도 견딜 수 있어요... 작은 추억만 하나라도 상관없어. 제발 나를 안아줘요. 따뜻하게 꼭 안아줘요... 원하기 전에.

I’ve never been like this before... My heart won’t listen to me. Even this street I walk on every day, why does it look so beautiful, like a dream? Slowly, step by step, I tell my heart, but it’s going too fast. At this rate, I might just cry, I’m afraid. Even if you find out, don’t tell me you know... Don’t hug me, after this night passes. It feels like everything will disappear. I keep seeing you, though it’s just me who has this love. Just ignore me and pass by... before I want you more. Every time you smile, do you know my heart gets weaker? Don’t look back right now. I don’t want you to remember my crying face. Don’t say good bye, I’m forcing myself to let you go. No... I’ve never let you go, you know this. I’ll go get you... even if tomorrow never comes, I can endure... I don’t care if it’s just a small memory. Please hold me. Warmly hold me... before I want you even more.

292 ㅡ ♕ Again today, I wash out my memories.

내 마음을 적시는 듯이 떨어지는 빗소리마저 건조해. 네가 했던 말이 거짓말이었더라도 여전히 난 널 원해. 이런 내 마음을 모를 걸 넌 기억을 씻어 내... 나는 오늘도 조금 흐림 그리고 비. 우리 둘이 처음 만난 날 같이 약간은 변덕스럽지만 전혀 거슬릴 것 없었던 소나기. 삐끗거리며 맞추어 가던 이 추억의 조각은 미완성. 넌 떠났고 난 홀로 남아. 고집부리다가 그걸 더 망쳐놨어. 이젠 씻어내야 되는 거지. 살짝 귀찮더라도 건조한 마음은 수분 없어. 욕조에 담가 놓아도 뜨거울 정도로 내 마음을 데우던 넌 없는 거잖아. 한기 가득한 내 마음을 채우던 물도 끈 거잖아. 넌 아마 wash away. 너의 입술도 너의 이름도 끝내 지우고 씻을게. I‘m gonna wash away. 오늘 날씬 맑음 그리고 구름은 가끔 끼어. 사소한 기후 변화에도 장마 내리는 것처럼 다투던 그때에 비하면 많이 나아진 듯 보이지만 슬픔을 담은 하늘빛이 노래져. 심장 박동 같던 노래도 이젠 새삼 나를 놀래켜. 돌아가고 싶진 않아 never. 날 내버려 두길 바랬던 이 전쟁마저 이젠 끝내고 싶어 forever. 넌 soap opera. 뗄 수 없을 만큼 익숙했기에 쉽지 않았어. 미지근한 일상으로 널 씻어내는 게. 아무 생각 없이 틀어놓은 따뜻한 물이 가득 찼네 욕조에 이렇게 덤벙거리기도 가끔 깜빡하는 것도 여전해. 이런 내 마음을 모를 걸 넌 기억을 씻어 내... I‘m gonna wash away.

As if my heart is being drenched. Even the falling raindrops are dry. Even if what you told me was a lie. I still want you. You probably don’t know I feel this way. Again today, I wash out my memories. It’s a little gray and it’s raining. Just like the day we first met. It was a little unpredictable, but the rain showers were not bothersome. This statue of memories that we crookedly pieced together is unfinished. You left me and I’m all alone. I was being stubborn, which ended up ruining it more. Now I need to wash it out. Even if I’m a little lazy. There is no fountain in this dried up heart. Even if it is placed in a bathtub. You used to warm up my heart to the point where it got hot. But now you’re not here anymore. You turned off the water that used to fill up my heart. You’re probably… wash away. Your lips, your name. I erase them in the end. I’ll wash it away. I‘m gonna wash away. Today’s weather is sunny and slightly cloudy. I notice the even slightest weather changes. Compared to the days when we fought like a storm. It seems a lot better, but the sky’s light turns yellow with sadness. The songs that were like my heartbeats, now they surprised me. I don’t want to go back – never. I used to hope that you’d leave me alone. I just want to end this war forever. You’re like a soap opera. Because I’d gotten so used to you that I couldn’t take you off. It wasn’t easy washing you out with my lukewarm daily life. The warm water I turned on without even thinking has filled up the bathtub. Splashing water around, forgetting things, it stays the same. You probably don’t know I feel this way. Again today, I wash out my memories.