201 ㅡ ♕ In the end, we all need to deal with loneliness.

It's kinda scary to know that everyone who stays by your side will eventually leave, and in the end, all that matters is just the memories. In the end, the only one who can accept your flaws is the one who stays. The one who accepts you the way you are deserves your best, and you deserve someone who looks at you admirably.

It's scary even sisters can part away when both already got that someone to marry. Well see, in the end, we all need to deal with loneliness.

200 ㅡ ♕ My pray, my wish.

Rather than staying calm, I tried so hard to show my palm.

Waiting for someone to hold my hand, I stayed quiet yet alarmed.

Seeing the fact that an act could make everything better, I wanted to reach the same star.

But, then I realized there is nothing in me that can make them proud.

Lied, if it didn't hurt.

Cried, if all alone.

Smiled, for the sake of better days.

Too hard, never been my card to win their heart.

If I could just say it, I would end up making it obvious that I wanted a tiny little piece given only for me.

If I could just be honest, I was afraid all the time that I couldn't be the other successful one.

If I could just shout out my heart, I was tired of holding it that you treated me differently without even knowing it hurt me.

If I could just tell everything, I was okay and you never need a way to change because I am used to it.

Being the second, I never regret.

Frightening, what if arms not long enough to reach the same highest star.

Will you keep praising the only brightest star?

Will you compare our stars?

From the deepest of my heart, I only want you to treat me the same.

My now, my future.

My time, my heart.

My pray, my wish.

My love, my home.

— 03:33AM

199 ㅡ ♕ I hope it hurts for you to remember.

Every pieces of you still remain the same, my feelings never change.

As the song we used to sing echoing inside the room, I struggled a lot.

It has never been my intention to get inside the train, going back to the pain.

But, memories brought me one step backwards to where we said, "Good bye."

I was already there when I opened my eyes, along with the tears.

Things happened for reasons, I believe.

Even if it was hurt, still hurt and will always be in pain,

I've trusted, I am trusting you and it will never change.

Though I know that everything will be in vain, in the end.

But, that's fine as long as I keep my feelings locked.

Have you ever thought what would happen if we didn't stop along the way?

Have you ever felt like coming back to where we were apart?

Have you ever been in a place where all you remembered was just our memories?

Have you ever imagined how delighted I was when we were together?

Have you ever loved me even if it was just for a second?

I hope it reaches you, my voice.

I hope I could be there for you, be your friend.

I hope we could be okay, find our way.

I hope you remember, our memories together.

I hope it hurts for you to remember.

Phone calls with no answers.

Dreaming, why still hanging.

I've had fallen too deep, no one wanted to help.

Realizing the situation, I walked to the station.

Going back home, all alone.

ㅡ 01:00AM

198 ㅡ ♕ Lahirnya Han Jinhee, 1 Januari 2017.

Detik terus bergulir, menit terus berjalan dan akhirnya, tahun pun berganti. Dua ribu enam belas tak lagi menjadi tahun penghitungan kehidupan terjadi. Tahun telah berganti dan kini, tahun yang harus dilalui adalah dua ribu tujuh belas. Mungkin, jika dipikirkan kembali ke belakang, banyak yang telah terjadi bagi seorang gadis bernama Jinhee. Kejadian menarik, kesedihan yang tak mampu diungkapkan pada siapapun, kepedihan hati karena kekecewaan, keterpurukan yang dirasa sungguh membuat hati mati rasa, sampai kepada kebahagiaan yang cukup membuat diri tersenyum.

Bertahan, satu kata yang menjadi pegangan hidup seorang Han Jinhee. Keinginan untuk bertahan, sangat tinggi. Namun, begitu sulit dijalankan. Setiap embusan napas yang keluar mengandung doa yang sama setiap harinya, yakni, "Biarkan aku bertahan." Ingin rasanya bertahan sampai diri tak mampu lagi. Ingin rasanya menjadi seseorang yang mereka anggap sempurna. Ingin rasanya membahagiakan mereka dalam kesenangan duniawi. Namun, apa daya. Apa daya seorang yang lemah dan hanya mampu berharap. Satu harapan yang pasti di tahun dua ribu tujuh belas adalah Jinhee dapat bertahan dan berjuang sekuat tenaga. Jangan biarkan dirinya lemah seperti hari kemarin. Jangan biarkan ia menyerah hanya karena tak mampu lagi bertahan. Jangan biarkan ia menangis karena kehilangan jati diri. Jangan biarkan kebahagiaan hilang dalam hidupnya.

Kehidupan tak lengkap dirasa, jika tak sama sekali berbaur dengan orang di luar lingkup. Mencari banyak kawan sudah menjadi salah satu dari banyak resolusi mereka yang menyandang julukan 'introvert' dan tentu, begitu pula dengan Han Jinhee. Hidupnya yang hanyalah seperti burung dalam sangkar emas membuat sang dara seolah menutup diri meskipun sebenarnya, ia hanya tak kuasa menahan kepedihan akan fakta bahwa kesendirian menyelimuti diri. Sebuah harapan di tahun yang baru, yaitu inginnya jendela terbuka untuk menghirup udara segar. Inginnya pintu terbuka agar mereka dapat merangkul. Inginnya senyum menghiasi parasnya yang sendu. Ingin rasanya menjadi seseorang yang dapat terbang bebas tanpa beban di pundak. Meskipun sulit, keinginan itu tetap akan menjadi satu harapan Han Jinhee di tahun baru ini. Ya, tetap harus diperjuangkan sampai kapanpun.

Ditulis tepat pada tanggal 1 Januari 2017,

Han Jinhee.