197 ㅡ ♕ Red is supposed to be the color of fate.

Red is supposed to be the color of fate, right? Even if it’s annoying now, it might connect to something good when you least expect it.

ㅡ Zen Wisteria

I've spent 2 days watching anime series called Akagami no Shirayukihime. Basically, it's all about prince charming coming into your life like you're fated to meet him and your life changed after that. But, it's also about how you live your life by depending on yourself and never forget that you have 'love' inside your heart. I have to say that this anime really impressed me. Guess what, I know that i do really love this anime since the first 10mins. It's not all about a cliché prince-ordinary girl love story. But, it does have friendship between the prince and his royal guards. Everything matters in the series and i'll end up writing long post if i wrote them all so i'll just write down some points that i get from the series.

1) Believe in yourself.

So it happened when Prince Raj wanted Shirayuki to be his concubine because she has a red hair which as red as apple. It's pleasantly beautiful since no one in town owns that kind of hair color. Hearing there's a girl in town who has that hair color, Prince Raj immediately asked one of his royal guard to meet Shirayuki and make her move to the castle the day after. But then Shirayuki believes that she doesn't want to be someone's concubine and just want to write her own story by walking on her own chosen path. So she runs away after cutting her hair to short. Leaving the hair behind, Shirayuki who doesn't have any place to go runs from her homeland and just believe in herself that she could definitely find her own path. She has faith in herself. She believes in herself. She doesn't let anyone make her think twice on what she really want to achieve. She wants herself to be proud later and say, "Ah, i've done it." And until the end, she is happy she doesn't give up on life and choose her own path by leaving her homeland, Tanbarun, because she met Zen and lives happily with him.

2) There IS fate in this world.

She runs away from home and there she met Zen Wisteria, The Second Prince of Clarines. He was out with some friends when he met Shirayuki. The two of them get along well as time goes by and that absolutely because there is love in every words they've spoken.

3) Befriend everyone.

Zen Wisteria is the second prince of Clarines but he befriends his royal guards. Mitsuhide, Kiki and Obi are his best friends and best companions. Their closeness can be seen in some scenes. First, when Zen was in pain because of eating poisoned apple, they looked extremely worried. But that's normal for everyone, right? So here i am telling you the other one that matters. When Shirayuki went missing (kidnapped by pirates) and Zen was really worried, Mitsuhide and Kiki punched Zen's back just to remind him to always think clearly and never get too fired up. It's like, you know, the feeling when you're about to do something out of control and there's someone who got your back? Yeah, that's the feeling. After that, when Obi looked so down because he failed on protecting Shirayuki, Zen's precious treasure, instead of throwing out his madness for being failed of giving Shirayuki full protection, Zen smacked Obi's head and said about not to make such a sad face since they would bring Shirayuki back together. I think that kind of gestures coming from each scenes can describe how true friendship is between them and somehow that's what everyone wants to happen in their life. I love their friendship. Also you can feel that Mitsuhide is really Zen's black knight since he always there to take care and protect his master, Zen. Mitsuhide and Zen also seem very close despite they come from different social status. Mitsuhide is only a guard. Talking about others, Kiki is just a noble's daughter and last to come, Obi is just a man living in town who's good at being a hunter. Shirayuki is a girl who runs away from her homeland and doesn't have any place to go despite she's smart and soon after arriving in Clarines, she becomes a court herbalist for the castle.

4) Be loved.

Zen is very easy-going, humorous, humble in his own way (never forget his status as a prince and also very hard-working man. He is so reliable, and responsible. I think there's lots of things that i could learn from him. I actually have learnt some things from Zen, Shirayuki, Obi, Mitsuhide and Kiki, but i think i still need more time to learn everything. They are really inspiring. Each character has its own color and i'm so grateful i clicked the title of this anime. I'm so happy i could be able to take notes on everything that happened in the series. I'm still learning to be like them, and i'm sure i'll be a better person ... thanks to Akagami no Shirayukihime.

5) Take every words from others as a motivation.

Then, please become someone i can be glad is the prince of my home country.

ㅡ Shirayuki to Prince Raj

Here i am talking about Prince Raj, eldest son of Tanbarun's King who is a lazy ass and never want to seriously show the pride of being a prince. All he knows is playing around, being bossy and never admit the fact that he would be a king for Tanbarun later. But, he changed. He could change because of Shirayuki. She dare herself to spit out what she exactly thinks about her own country's prince, Prince Raj and there, Raj ashamed of himself. It hits him right in the heart and also mind. He tries to change and it's all started from the bottom, from a simple thing to bigger matters. What i've learnt from Prince Raj is how he takes Shirayuki's words as a motivation to move forward, to be someone reliable, responsible and be someone better. It's like you're always see the world with your eyes closed but then suddenly you got the feeling of wanting to take a peek at the world with your eyes slowly but sure widen. The feeling when you want to observe, and do one or some things for people around you. It's the meaning of growing up. I'm sure it is.

Last but not least, the romance is real. It's amazing to watch simple things that usually happen in high school coming from this series. I suddenly missed my high school's love life. But, okay moving on. Simple things such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, accompany someone to sleep, talking until late night, being there for each other, taking care of each other, smiling at each other, and showing how much they love each other in simple ways. Fresh feelings, but deep meaning. I recommend you to watch this series. No need to think, just feel it and happy watching!

Oyasuminasai.

196 ㅡ ♕ 23:46

“Feeling lost most of the time. The purpose of me living is nothing if don't achieve anything. Will they treat me the same?”

— 23:46

Banyak hal yang membuat titik air menetes. Banyak hal yang membuat isak tangis menemani malam. Banyak hal yang terjadi tanpa permisi. Ingin bersuara, tetapi lidah kelu. Ingin biarkan hati bicara, tetapi hanya air mata bantu ungkapkan rasa. Ingin merangkai kata, tetapi benak tak mampu genggam erat sebuah pena.

Terjebak dalam pikiran akan ketakutan hilang dari ingatan, hati kesal tunjukkan ekspresi. Terjerat dalam emosi jiwa yang begitu membuat tubuh meringkuk, kedua sudut bibir mengarah ke bawah melupakan cara tersenyum.

Jika diperbolehkan bicara, ingin sekali menegur bibir yang selalu membicarakan hal yang terlalu membuat hati ciut. Tidak terluka, hanya pedih tergores.

Jika diperbolehkan ungkapkan rasa, ingin rasanya meminta sebuah perhatian tanpa membandingkan. Tak memaksa, hanya berusaha menyenangkan hati.

Jika diperbolehkan menangis, ingin membuat mereka menatap pedihnya hati yang tergores, batin yang terluka dan senyum yang pudar tanpa tertangkap pandangan mata. Tidak meminta belas kasih, hanya ingin sepasang mata masing-masing sadar akan suara hati.

Ketakutan merajalela diri akibat cemas tak mampu menggapai bintang yang sama. Akankah perlakuan berbeda diberikan?

Keresahan membuat sepasang netra tak siap untuk bermimpi. Akankah takdir menuntun ke jalan yang berbeda?

Ah, bisa jadi. Tak ada yang tahu jalan hidup seseorang dan satu dengan yang lainnya, pasti berbeda. Dua dari sepuluh yang mungkin melewati jalan serupa.

Terlalu lelah untuk mendengar. Terlalu sakit untuk kembali diulang. Terlalu cemas untuk menatap masa depan. Terlalu rendah menatap diri.

Bermimpi saja sudah tak berani dilakukan. Masa depan tak tentu arah. Akan ke mana, akan pergi ke mana, akan sampai di mana, dan harus bagaimana. Pertanyaan terlontar tanpa harapan akan menemukan jawaban.

Kembali, rasa perih di dada tak mampu membuat diri berpikir. Ingin terdiam seribu bahasa, namun kelopak mata tak ingin berteman. Air mata mengalir meski dalam usaha pertahanan diri untuk tegar. Ingin menyimpan saja, namun kotak hati sudah terlalu penuh dengan hal yang sama setiap waktunya. Jeritan hati membuat air terus mengalir.

Sudah terlalu lelah membiarkan. Sudah terlalu lama memendam. Sudah terlalu kesal untuk meratapi. Sudah terlalu sakit untuk melangkah.

Tak ada waktu untuk membicarakan kehidupan, terutama milik seseorang yang tak pernah menggapai sesuatu yang cemerlang. Tak ada tempat untuk beristirahat, terutama bagi seseorang yang tak memiliki tujuan. Tak memiliki tujuan dan mimpi, namun lebih letih.

Mereka berkata bahwa tak ada yang membedakan, hanya saja terlalu senang karena seseorang lainnya menggapai cita-cita idaman.

Mereka berkata bahwa akan tetap mencintai seseorang yang tak memiliki tujuan, tak perlu khawatir akan itu. Namun, tetap ada perbedaan yang dirasakan.

Akankah perlakuan yang sama diberikan, jika tak satu pun mimpi idaman digapai? Akankah diri tak terlupakan?

“I'm tired being alarmed all the time.”

— 00:26

195 ㅡ ♕ Past, Present, Future.

Hello, little sunshine. Good morning. I'm writing this on phone in 04:31AM with AKMU's Last Good bye on repeat.

Are you dreaming right now? Or, a nightmare suddenly brought you back to life? Or, you still haven't slept and you just don't know why?

If you chose the third one, then you are me.

I am wide awake. Not because of watching k-drama like i usually do when i messed up my sleeping schedule. But, i'm thinking. Contemplating life, imagining myself in 2017.

Yeah, right. It's now 2017 yet i still haven't set my goals for this year. I've been deeply drown in my thoughts. For some reason, i'm too afraid to make my life goals. Frightening, i might not achieve anything. If wanted to look back, i've been a very childish person ever. I dropped lots of tears back in 2016 on simple things. Though it was indeed hurt for me. I was living in pain everyday. I blamed people for my choice. And i just realized now that i was being stupid all the time. I was given a chance to improve myself. A chance to seriously work hard to be the best, but i slipped that away and kept on believing that everything was wrong from the start. If i worked hard, surely i would be better. Not just in education, but in living as a human being. I feel like i've wasted my first year of being a freshman in college just because of my perception of thinking. I've been very stubborn, and i know that's all because i was too afraid to see that they were right. They know that i'm qualified for this major. So they gave me the choice to be someone better than i was. To be someone people can look forward to. I hate myself for being stubborn, a cry baby, and everything. I hate myself for never really trying so hard to reach the top. I've tried everything i could to survive. But, if i really threw back time, it was only 50% of me trying hard. Half of me, wanting to quit real soon. I've never really put myself inside what i was doing. I've never really loved what i was doing. I, hate myself. I feel ashamed. I've been a disgraceful person to my own life. My regret is not all about education, but also my social life. I've been closing my book. I wrote things, but in the end that was all because of me why they didn't and never lending out a hand to reach me since i was the one who closed the door. I feel sorry to myself in 2016. Why, just why were you making yourself isolated by your own loneliness? You said that you wanted to be more lively and turned down everyone who looked down on you. I'm sorry, you. I'm sorry, me.

Today, January 15th 2017. I'm writing this just to remind myself that i won't be making the same mistakes again. I'll be loving all the things that i need to do, all the things i want to do and also all the things i'm doing right now. I'm gonna do everything with my whole heart. I'll be doing those all with pride, love, and smile. Thanks for everyone who helps me be me today. I surely am really grateful to have you all around me to hold me when i fall, to lend a shoulder when i'm about to cry, to teach me how to smile when i forgot how to and the last, to always be beside me whenever i need someone to rely on. Thank you, guys. Whoever reading this, yes that's you. You are a part of someone special in my whole 2016 journey. I've been very awful, but then you guys are still here with me. Thank you, tons of luck for you in 2017 and may happiness be surrounding you. Amen.

Speaking of my goals in 2017. Yet, i still haven't figured out what i'm gonna do to search for what they called true happiness. You know, somewhat like doing something to make you feel alive. I've never found that. I keep on believing that as time goes by, i would definitely find it. But, if i didn't seek for it, i wouldn't get anything. I've learnt through my journey last year. I got nothing to be cherished. I got, nothing. So this year, i'm gonna take myself a whole different new level of living life. I'll take risks. I'll try some other things that i'm always afraid to do. I'll learn, learn and learn. I'll be someone who never gets tired of learning because that's the reason i'm living my life in a whole different level from before.

Be someone who is brave enough to take risks. Be someone who is living life breathlessly. Be someone who seeks for true happiness by doing lots of different things. You have to be rich, rich in experiences. So never ever take anything as a failure. You deserve to turn all the lemons life has given you into a delicious lemonade. You deserve to work your ass off to achieve what you want. You've been trying hard last year but that's not enough. You gotta need to be sure on what you do, put your heart inside and just screw them who tries to bring you down by saying sarcasm words on the things you think is right for you to do. Screw them. Who cares. You are the one living your life, not them. Show them who leads the way to your own stories. You can be someone better. You can be someone who you want to be. You are, you.

Dream, believe and make it happen.

You have the right to be happy. You were a happy kid, and you still are a happy kid. Never forget that. Wear your best smile and show them that you deserve the world. Have a happy day!

And, good night!

194 ㅡ ♕ Sedikit waktu untuk menyelamatkan yang terpuruk.

Terkadang, kita memang harus mengorbankan sedikit waktu untuk menyelamatkan hidup seseorang yang sedang terpuruk. Percaya saja bahwa setidaknya ada yang rela melakukan itu meskipun hanya satu dari sepuluh.

Ketika telah melakukan itu, rasanya seperti diri sendiri juga ikut terselamatkan.

Bangga pada diri ini yang mulai membaik di awal tahun. Semoga bisa lebih baik lagi untuk kedepannya. Amin.

193 ㅡ ♕ Don't let sadness and loneliness consume your happiness.

Hello! Things might be hard these days, life might be throwing lemons at you, people might be changing as time goes by, love might be forgotten in this world, but trust me, everything happened for reasons. You just have to try thinking positively. Don't let your sadness and loneliness consume your happiness. You deserve the world. I believe, you have 'that somebody' who would listen to whatever your worries are. It's just, you are too fast to close the book, that's why you thought you had nobody.

But sometimes, you also need times to be alone. To be exactly feel how far you get drown. And that's all for you to seriously understand 'why things get hard these days' and when you've already hit that part ... that's the time when you're going to fully awake and spread your wings.

Fly, as high as you can.

And after all, all you need is yourself getting stronger. You can only rely on yourself.

It's okay to be alone, but don't ever feel lonely because you, have yourself.

Good night! Hope you feel better anytime soon.