76 ㅡ ♕ I count 1,2,3...forgetting you??

Riding the train, not knowing where it will go where i’ll end up

I blindly take the train in search of a place to forget the pain of our partings

Even after I wipe away all my tears reflecting upon the window,

They will keep returning to me

I turn my head to see every part of the trailer. My eyes catch the last one. I walk to that train with a faded rose in my right hand, I come in. The windows and doors are still the same as the last day I came here. I enter the train quietly, but suddenly his face appeared in my mind. I touch where my heart is. My eyes become teary. Why is this pain always come to catch me? Could you please leave me? Like how the person did. I couldn’t handle myself. I fall down to the ground while hands covering my face.

Good! I’m crying...again! It’s been 3 years since he left me. But, there's something wrong. His shadows never leave me. Everytime I come here, I’ll always do this silly things. Honestly...What am I supposed to do now? Since you left me, my life became so flat. I couldn’t remember your warmth embrace anymore. Why don’t you tell me your last word? A simple good bye never hurts. My heart aches and I couldn’t stop crying. I cry out loud while holding that faded rose. Thinking out loud. Thinking about you and me. It was warm, it is cold. So close, yet so far now.

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“Jieun-ah...” Someone called my name, and I knew this voice. It sounded familiar in my ears. Jongsuk Oppa...he touched my hands and kept calling............

I count 1, 2, 3...and when I turn my head,

I hope the memories of the love we once shared will fade away

I don’t want to cry anymore, I just want it all to stop and so,

I want to forget you now, while riding on a train

<to be continued> 

More please, here please. Thankyou.

7thsprings on asianfanfics

75 ㅡ ♕ YOU.

Memories of meeting you are like a dream that is a lie. I will still be here, waiting for you. I can’t move because my heart is trembling when you look at me. Why can’t I say anything when I have so much to say? The moment you turn around. Why does it feel so far? Why do tears suddenly spill?

I love you, I only have you. I have nothing else but you. Though I can’t reach you. Though I can’t hug you. Though I cry by myself, it’s alright. I will always be looking at you, it’s you.

You, the fate of meeting you. When did it become fate for me? I can’t even go back to the times before I loved you. That’s how much I’m falling into you...A person I long for till my heart bruises, It’s you.

I love you, look back at me. I have nothing else but you. Though I can’t have you. Though I can’t say it. I love you like this. I will always be looking at you, it’s you.

#nowplaying: Ben - YOU (Healer OST)

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It's okay not to care about my existence. It's okay not to mention me whenever you're with them. It's okay not to worry about me. It's okay not to- cause i'll do all of them...for you. I'm sincere and when i do....it's okay not to pay me back and just live happily as you are now. Things might get complicated for some people but for me, it's different. I'm fine with this. I'm okay and i'm fine with the way you treat me. I'm not lying but yes, i'm waiting for you. All i can say is...i'm waiting for you to walk slowly but sure to me.

I don't wanna see your worried face even if you never do. I don't wanna see you hating me even if i don't know you're now hating me or not but i hope it's not. That's all i want you to be. I just want you to smile and prove it to me that you live happily. I'm fine, right here. I'm so fine. People might support me really well but i don't know your heart. I don't wanna know now. I want to know it later when i've done enough. When i have loved you for so long. When i've done trying so hard and ready to get my price. That's how much you mean to me. I'm not hurt. I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm happy to stand alone and smile for you....in the dark.

74 ㅡ ♕ The True Healer.

이제 난 알아, 확실히 알았네. 난 사랑은 찾지 않는다. 사랑은 날 찾아. 이렇게 쉽지....

From this Healer, i realized something. It makes me believe that my thought for all this time is right.

"You don't choose to love. Love chooses you."

You don't choose who's that one person whom your heart beating for. You don't choose who's that one person whom your heart crying for. You can't push yourself to love one person if you don't have love inside you. You can't force yourself to love one person even if that one person chooses you. You can't live happily with your choice if love doesn't let its blessings for you. 

That's all i keep as my mindset until now......and it's true. 

Even if Chae Youngshin never see who is this one person who always take care of her, who always save her from the death, but just appear as a shadow and doesn't let her to see his face.....she loves him. She proudly say that she has feelings for him, even if she never see his face. She loves that one person. Her heart beats fast when she's with him. With only a touch of their hands together, their hands intertwined together, a quick kiss on the lips, listening to his voice without seeing his face.....she can say that she loves him and that's true. Love chooses Chae Youngshin and Healer to love each other. Chae Youngshin doesn't choose to love him, so does him. Healer doesn't even choose to love Chae Youngshin but in the end, he tells himself that "Yes, i love Chae Youngshin." Love lets its blessings for them and they cannot do anything but keep loving each other even if so many things blocked their ways to love. In the end, Chae Youngshin finally know who is this Healer. With all the names; Healer, Park Bongsoo and Seo Jonghoo....this man stays beside her, takes a good care of her but sometimes indeed hurts her. But he's the one who's willing to stay till the end. This Healer is the one who stays beside her and listen to all her worries. Finally she knows that this one person she loves is so close yet so far from her. But, she cannot stay mad at him cause their love is just so much more than that. Me, myself, envy them that they can find the truth in Love mystery. It's real, it's true.

#nowplaying: 영신이의 꿈 - Youngsin's Dream (Healer OST)

73 ㅡ ♕ a healer for me.

He makes me smile just by looking at him. He makes me laugh just by looking at how he throws a joke at his friends. He makes me want to go to school and sit near him. He always make me want to be pretty everyday. He's the one who makes my heart shaking like crazy even if it's just a glance. He's the one who i'm happy to be with. He's the one even if he doesn't know anything about this secret feels. He's the one even if he lives happily in his full-of-friends life and doesn't even care about my existence. There's always a space inside my heart for him. Always stay like that and he is called a healer. 

He's a healer for me. The one who takes me away from my sad life for a moment everytime i think about him, a healer. The one who drives me crazy everytime i think my life is super bored, a healer. The one who takes me high to reach a dream every night, a healer. The one who leaves a big mark in my life so far, a healer. The one who has a space in my heart, a healer. The one who i can count on as a first love, a healer. 

#nowplaying: 힐러 - Healer (Healer OST)

72 ㅡ ♕ hold help love.

"날 잡아줘
날 구해줘
날 사랑해줘...."

"Hold me
Help me
Love me....."

Sometimes we have memories which is a pain for us and all we wanna do is burry it deep deep deep down in our heart. Don't wanna remember it. But i know....the thing to solve this problem of us is to have at least one person to talk to, someone to share the pain with, someone to cry together, and someone to encourage us; each other. 

Rather than, "Please leave me alone!"
It would be nice to say, "Please stay with me!"

Rather than, "Please kill me!"
It would be nice to say, "Please heal me!"

Rather than, "Please stay away from me!"
It would be nice to say, "Please love me!"

Sometimes our pain killer is someone who's so close to us, know us well. Sometimes our healer is someone who's willing to share the pain together. Sometimes, just sometimes.....just by looking at someone's laugh, smile with them, laugh together and be happy is the best thing to heal all the pain. Let it out. Cry if you wanna cry. Shout if you wanna shout. Just....let it all out.

"Hold me. Help me. Love me...." is a nice word to say.

#nowplaying: Hallucinations (Kill Me Heal Me OST)

71 ㅡ ♕ Secret.

Today i've been away from my life again. I've been busy with all my imaginations and dreams. Jisung seriously catch my eyes and i cannot take my eyes off of him. He's not that tall and not so handsome but his acting is killing me. He acts really well, great i could say. I watched kill me, heal me yesterday finished till ep 14 and today i've finished another drama of him, Secret. 비밀 "Secret"......it's a nice melodrama to watch. I can see how Hwang Jungeum cries in almost every episode there which has 16 episodes in total. The plot is quiet interesting and the 2 actors and 2 actresses are jjang! This drama is a serious drama and perfect for melodrama people hhe! like me?? Maybe. ㅋㅋ

#nowplaying: Ailee - Because of Tears 

70 ㅡ ♕ kill me. heal me.

So lots of things happened in this past few days and i feel grateful and so happy. Even in my darkness nights, i still have hope in me. I still believe in myself and still never give up on myself. Still fight for it. Still feel most alive when all i need is to feel down instead. I can't say it all now. But ever since Valentine's Day 2015, i will cherish even more moments. All the shock i got, all the screams i let out, all the love i felt, all the sadness i went through, i can't say that it paid off now but whatever it is.....i'm happy that i can reach where i am now. "What am i to you?" is no longer exist. It's now "What you're to me" and it will always stay like this.......my first love. Just remember. Everytime you draw the line, i will cross it. Everytime you shoo me away, i'll be the one who stand right next to you and support you. First love always gonna stay as first love, first love. 

I finished watching 14 episode(s) of Kill Me, Heal Me in 2 days. I keep my eyes for this drama anyway, so curious about how this drama works on me till ep 20. Still need to wait for 6 more eps to reach the final. This drama is really great. I love how this drama can make me laugh, cry, and smile at the same time. The way they act and the way they show us what story it is, so nice. 

D.I.D (Multiple Personalities):

1. Cha Do Hyun

2. Shin Se Gi

3. Ahn Yo Sub

4. Ahn Yo Na 

5. Perry Park 

6. NANA

All this personalities are made for the sake of Cha Dohyun who get lost in his memories, doesn't want to remember all the pain he got when he was 7-8 years old. Cha Dohyun doesn't remember the pain he needed to feel and all he does is taking all the responsibility that all the personalities made. It hurts so bad......that he even made Shin Segi to be the one who hurts and remember all the pain. He makes those personalities to help him overcome the pain he felt when he was young. He makes Shin Segi to help him beat all people who treats him bad and leave all the pain to Shin Segi so that he can forget the bad memories. He makes Ahn Yosub who likes to suicide and is called suicidal personality to take over his guilty for not helping the other child who treated badly together with him when he was a child. He makes Ahn Yona to feel most alive and smile everyday, he turns into Yona when he feel stress so that he can at least be happy even if it's just some time. He makes Perry Park to make friends with people cause that personality is so friendly. NANA is still unknown....NANA is a missing piece of a puzzle. He still needs to find more about NANA. NANA is a part of his pain, his lost memories. So now....in order to know NANA, he needs to start dealing with his pain and lost memories now. This is all just my perspective or opinion. I got to write this after watching this Kill Me, Heal Me till ep 14. And cannot wait to solve this Kill Me, Heal Me puzzle! OMONA.

69 ㅡ ♕ Fall for you.

Do you know me? I still don’t know you

But without even knowing why, I’m looking for you

Is it because I want to see a smile on your expressionless face?

Or am I curious about the tears you’re hiding inside your heart?

I am falling, I keep going toward you

Falling, my heart is shaking

I know it so well but I can’t say anything

I am falling, I can’t hide these feelings

Falling, how should I tell you?

Maybe you know already, maybe you’re looking into my eyes

If I softly and carefully go to you, step by step

Your heart will accept me someday

I am falling, I keep going toward you

Falling, my heart is shaking

I know it so well but I can’t say anything

I am falling, I can’t hide these feelings

Falling, how should I tell you?

Maybe you know already, maybe you’re looking into my eyes

Are you waiting for me?

I am falling, I want to love you

Falling, I want to embrace you

I want to be with your smile and your tears

I am falling, I can’t hide these feelings

Falling, how should I tell you?

Maybe you know already

#nowplaying: Park Boram - Falling

(Hyde and Jekyll and Me OST)

68 ㅡ ♕ Yes, My Everything.

My eyes are open but I can’t see you

I am walking but I can’t go

I’m crying under the late sky

If there is only one day left

If that is tomorrow

Will I be able to say it then?

That I loved you

That I always have

That I can’t count the number of days

Of being in love with you as I hid my trembling heart

In my eyes, it’s you

In my heart, it’s you

My everything....My everything....

Be there at the end of this love

All 24 hours are like nights when I dream of you

Hug me so my love won’t touch tears

When I felt alone

When my heart felt dry

The rain called you fell down on me

When I was wandering in the darkness

When I was lost

I saw a star called you

Though I’m close enough

To hear your breath

To touch you with my hands

I’m afraid we’ll grow apart if I get closer

So I’m stopped in place

Me without you

Won’t be me at all

Stay with me so I can live

In my eyes, it’s you

In my heart, it’s you

My everything....My everything....

Because the start of this love is you

Wherever, whenever

I will only love you forever

My destiny....My destiny It’s you....

#nowplaying: Mamamoo - My Everything (내 눈 속엔 너) 

(SPY OST)

왜 내 심장이 계속 뛴다 넌 봤을때? 바보 처럼....

Why my heart keep going crazy when i see you? Like a stupid girl....

괜찮아? 아니....난 안 괜찮은데....진짜 진짜 아프다.

I'm okay? No....i'm not even okay....really really hurt.

눈물이 나왔다.

Tears fall down.

67 ㅡ ♕ 헐.

I'm doing just fine....without you, see you later.

66 ㅡ ♕ Me, Myself, Merci.

So it's been so long right since the last time i seriously put my everything into my writing. I'm not really focus on writing blog nowadays cause need to prepare for my exams. many many things to do, gosh hate it. 

you're done, so am i.

She stared at her phone blankly, thinking out loud. "Why." She asked her phone which she knew that there wouldn't be an answer coming from her dead phone. No green light. Yup. She felt like all she needed to do was standing still right where she stood now......no moving forward. No walking forward to catch his trace. She was in her way to give everything up about him. But honestly she was just too scared to face the truth that he didn't want her. She knew it from the way he talked to her. Sadly, he didn't even want to talk to her. He was careless. He didn't even care. He changed. She was scared that he pushed her behind and started to live happily like she wasn't even there in his life. This was the red light he gave for her, she was sure. She knew this would happen anytime soon like this and guess what....believe it or not, sure or not. She was well-prepared. Even if it indeed hurt her heart like crazy, she didn't know how to express the feelings but she was a bit relieved she never expected anything ever since from the start. She didn't fly too high. She didn't really hurt her heart when she touched the ground now. Me, Myself, Thanks. It wasn't easy to forget and she would never forget. She was just gonna stay away for awhile, healing her wound and crying all alone. Psst. She could proudly say, even though it hurt so bad.....but she was happy, she is happy. Thankyou for you, the one who cannot be named.

not gonna fight anymore, i'm done.

65 ㅡ ♕ 왜? Why?

Not good enough.

Not attractive.

Always one step behind everyone's back.

Always left behind.

Beautiful no.

Perfect hair no.

흥 왜....

*current mood*