262 ㅡ ♕ But, I would wake up with no one next to me.

I see you everywhere at where we used to be,

I see laughters, I see fights that we don't mean,

I see you everywhere even in my dreams,

but I would wake up with no one next to me.

261 ㅡ ♕ Adakah seseorang yang setidaknya menempatkan kebahagiaanku di atas kebahagiaannya?

AHN YOUNGYI ☓ HAN JINHEE

I just want to say, I have loved seriously. 

Written by Vanny | 1,081 words

It's so torturing to control myself as I'm about to breakdown, 

this is my own fault,

that past is a wound that can never be healed,

but, will you save me?

——————————

Selamat malam. Namaku Han Jinhee, dan ini adalah kisahku. Sebuah kisah yang kusampaikan dari hati. Jadi, biarkan kedua matamu membaca kisah ini dengan hati. Mari bicara dari hati ke hati.

——————————

Suatu hari aku bermimpi. Mimpi itu begitu nyata. Aku tidak berkedip, dan cahaya yang berpendar dari dalam diriku juga tak redup. Kedua sudut bibirku terangkat hingga membentuk seulas senyuman cerah. Hari itu, aku bahagia.

Aku tidak sedang melakukan apa yang orang lain ingin aku kerjakan. Aku sudah menjadi diriku sendiri dengan memilih jalan yang kuyakini bisa membuatku bahagia. Aku tidak berada di dalam sangkar emas, melainkan aku sudah berani terbang menembus awan. Aku tidak lagi mencari jati diriku, tetapi aku sudah membangun hidupku sendiri.

Namun, meskipun aku sudah nyaris memiliki segalanya, rasanya seperti ada sesuatu yang hilang dari dalam diriku. Atau, sebenarnya sesuatu itu belum kutemukan. Aku tidak mengerti apa itu mencintai dan dicintai. Sejak terakhir kali aku menerbangkan balon yang berisikan harapanku akan sebuah kisah yang kuharapkan bisa menjadi sesuatu yang berharga dalam kisah hidupku, aku tidak berani mulai mengenal siapapun. Aku sempat menutup diri karena aku sadar bahwa hatiku rapuh dan aku pun lemah. Lemah dalam hal menahan diri untuk tidak memberikan hatiku ketika aku sudah merasa nyaman. Oleh karena itu, aku tidak ingin menjadi bodoh dan membiarkan sang penerima hati meruntuhkan pertahananku.

Seringkali aku bertanya kepada diriku sendiri. Apakah aku tidak pantas dicintai? Apakah ketulusanku tidak pernah sampai kepada siapapun yang kuberikan hati? Dan seringkali aku terdiam, merenung memikirkan kenyataan bahwa aku selalu memberikan segalanya kepada orang lain hingga berakhir tak memiliki apapun yang tersisa untuk kebahagiaanku sendiri. Aku mencoba untuk selalu tulus dalam segala hal, dan kulakukan itu bukan untuk mendapatkan balasan, karena memang pada dasarnya, aku melihat kehidupan seperti sedang bercermin. Jika aku memberikan ketulusanku kepada mereka yang ada di sekelilingku, maka aku juga akan mendapatkan kebahagiaan yang sama. Tetapi, terkadang aku mempertanyakan sesuatu. Kapan kebahagiaan itu datang menghampiriku? Aku, yang menempatkan kebahagiaan mereka di sekelilingku lebih dari kebahagiaanku sendiri, hanya ingin diberikan kesempatan untuk sekali saja merasakan hal yang sama. Adakah di luar sana seseorang yang setidaknya menempatkan kebahagiaanku di atas kebahagiaannya?

Tidak perlu berpikir lama, aku menggeleng pelan. Entahlah, mungkin aku hanya bisa bermimpi karena mana mampu aku memperkirakan sesuatu untuk datang sesuai seperti apa yang kuinginkan. Aku tidak sempurna, tetapi aku selalu berusaha memberikan yang terbaik bagi mereka yang aku sayangi; bagi mereka yang ada di sekelilingku. Aku memang jauh dari kata sempurna karena aku hanyalah seorang perempuan biasa yang tidak memiliki apapun selain ketulusan hati. 

Aku pernah mencintai. Bahkan, aku sering mencintai. Mencintai mereka yang senang melemparkan lelucon hingga aku tertawa. Ya, aku memang mudah tertawa karena kau tahu, hidup ini akan menjadi semakin indah, jika kau tertawa bersama dengan mereka yang sedang gembira. Tetapi, sering ikut tertawa bukan berarti aku tidak pula banyak menitikkan air mata. Aku juga mencintai mereka yang mencariku saat mereka bersedih, dan mulai menceritakan kisah pedih mereka yang membuatku ikut menitikkan air mata. Tidak apa, jika di kala bahagia mereka tidak kembali, karena aku sudah cukup senang; karena aku bahagia mengenal hatiku, bahwa aku senang ketika mereka membutuhkanku sebagai tempat untuk menenangkan hati. Aku pun mencintai mereka yang tersenyum kepadaku, karena kau tahu, dengan tersenyum, kau bisa mulai mengenal orang lain, dan aku memang tidak pandai bicara, aku tidak seperti mereka yang bisa membuka pembicaraan kapanpun dan dimanapun, tetapi aku dapat mengatakan dengan penuh kepercayaan diri bahwa aku pandai tersenyum. 

Aku pernah mencintai hingga rasanya kedua bibirku tidak dapat berhenti tersenyum. Aku pernah mencintai dengan tulus. Namun, ketulusanku tak sampai ke destinasi yang tepat. Pada akhirnya, garis finish tidak berujung bahagia, melainkan patahnya hati menjadi keluh yang kutangisi setiap malam kala semua orang terlelap. Sejak saat itu, aku menutup pintu rapat-rapat, dan berharap tak ada satu orang pun yang datang. Aku tidak berani mengenal, mana mampu aku berteman. Ada ketakutan tersendiri yang tidak dapat aku katakan pada siapapun. Ada keresahan tersendiri yang tidak dapat aku jelaskan, bahkan kepada diriku sendiri rasanya tak mampu aku merangkai kata untuk membuat diri mengerti. Ada keberanian yang tak pernah aku tunjukkan, dan hanya kupendam dalam diri. Aku mencoba untuk pulih seorang diri. Aku tidak tahu bagaimana harus mengungkapkan kekhawatiran yang sejak saat itu mengisi relung hatiku.

Lalu, suatu hari, seseorang mengetuk pintu, dan tanpa membuat keputusan terlebih dahulu, pintu itu terbuka dengan sendirinya. Ketika aku mengatakan bahwa aku tidak mengerti apa yang harus dan tidak harus kulakukan; apa yang boleh dan tidak boleh kulakukan, semua itu benar adanya. Tidak ada kebohongan kuberikan karena kau tahu, rasanya aku memang tidak paham apa yang sebenarnya harus kulakukan sebab sebelumnya pun aku hanya bergantung pada sebuah perasaan yang kubawa seorang diri hingga ke garis finish. Aku takut, aku resah, aku memang bodoh. Aku bukan seseorang yang mengerti betul apa arti dari kata cinta, karena definisi dari kata itu sendiri hanya kubuat dari pengalamanku, dan perjalanan yang selama ini kulakukan belum memberikanku penjelasan yang berarti akan makna dari kata tersebut. 

Malam itu, aku duduk berhadapan dengannya, dan kutatap kedua bola matanya dengan saksama. Aku memperlihatkan senyuman terbaikku, dan berkata, "Aku telah membukakan pintu untukmu walaupun aku tidak tahu apakah kamu memang ingin bertamu atau tidak. Ah, mungkin kamu hanya ingin bertamu, dan tidak berniat meninggalkan jejak ... entahlah, aku tidak mengerti apa yang harus aku lakukan karena untuk beberapa saat, aku mulai mempertanyakan banyak hal. Aku pernah mencintai, tetapi rasanya selalu sama karena pada akhirnya, aku tahu, aku yang akan menyerah. Jangan buat aku menyerah, boleh? Aku resah, aku cemas, dan aku khawatir. Aku mengenal hatiku, tetapi tidak hatimu. Jika kamu tidak ingin memberikan tempat di hatimu untuk aku singgahi, lebih baik tidak kamu biarkan aku berpikir aku memiliki kesempatan untuk bahagia barang sedetik saja. Atau, hanya aku yang berpikir demikian? Aku tidak paham, tetapi bisa jadi. Aku bukan perempuan yang sempurna, dan aku bukan perempuan yang kuat. Aku mencoba membuka pintu ketika kamu ingin masuk, dan kuberikan senyuman terbaik yang bisa kuberikan untukmu. Aku berusaha menjadikanmu satu-satunya, tetapi aku tidak paham, apakah benar kamu juga melakukan hal yang sama? Sejak merasakan patah untuk pertama kalinya, aku berusaha keras untuk tidak rapuh lagi; tidak mudah jatuh, tetapi harus kukatakan, aku memang jatuh dengan hati yang serupa, tetapi tak sama. Apakah kamu bersedia mengulurkan tangan?"

260 ㅡ ♕ The trembling stars are twinkling, but where are you looking at?

The trembling stars are twinkling, but where are you looking at? They look like they will disappear at any moment. Turn on the light, my heart is dark. I feel morose today, too. In your mind, I'm not who I feel. When did I lose you?

As I like you, the stars rise. I still don't know what to do. Mysterious you in your tone veiled in a mist. The night you come to my mind. After the time that I've waited, I'll let you go now. No, the night, I still want to secretly keep you in my room.

At night, I fly to the sky. It's time for the moon night, shall I meet you in my dream? And confess my ardent love? I keep calling you through the window. This way I want us to be closer. The night I want to expect it. I'm not sure how you feel to come closer. I'm hesitating, but I really like you being here. You can't see my mind. 

I've been crying for days, where are you going? I want to follow you right now. After today and the moment I've waited, the night I endlessly went after you. The night I miss you who can't be reached. I'm meeting you in my dream.

259 ㅡ ♕ 나 사실...

변한 건 없는지 고개 숙여 걷던 그 버릇도 다 모두 그대로인지 궁금해 사실. 아프진 않은지 이미 다른 사랑 할진 몰라도 괜히 걱정했었어. 이런 내가 나도 싫지만.

나 사실 정말 많이 궁금했었어. 나 사실 항상 전활 걸고 싶었어. 너에게 정말 넌 괜찮은지 음... 나만 혼자 아픈 건지 음... 나 사실 네가 다시 올 줄 알았어. 나 사실 그 믿음으로 매일 버텼어. 너에게 그런 사람이라고 난 믿었었나 봐 나 사실...

익숙해졌는지 내가 없이. 혼자 먹는 저녁도 많이 편해진 건지 궁금해 사실. 너도 후회되는지 어느 지친 날에 울고 싶을 땐 내 생각이 나는지. 다 소용없는 얘기지만.

나 사실 정말 널 붙잡고 싶었어. 나 사실 가지 말라. 울고 싶었어 한없이 부르고 소리치면 음... 너도 맘 약해질까 봐... 나 사실 니가 돌아 볼 줄 알았어. 나 사실 그 믿음으로 거기 있었어 너에게. 그런 사람이라고 나 믿었었나 봐... 나 사실.

나 사실 너의 마음 나 한테 어떤지 정말 궁금해...

258 ㅡ ♕ Fall in love like a star.

어느 날 우연히 널 만났죠. 보고 싶어 그렇게 사랑이 왔죠. 아무 생각 없이 너만 볼래요. 강아지처럼 아니 고양이처럼. I just love you 말도 안돼 내 맘이 널 두근대게 한대. 올듯 말듯 이유도 없어 멋대로 매일 널 안고 싶어.

One day, I randomly met you. Then I missed you, and that's how love came. I only want to look at you without thinking, like a puppy, no, like a cat. I just love you, I can't believe it. My heart says, it pounds because of you. As if you'll come, but you won't, there's no reason. I want to hold you every day.

I wanna be your star, shining star. 눈이 부셔와요. 나 이대로 숨이 멎을 것 같아요. 이 세상에 너와 나 우리 둘뿐이라 해도 반할 거야 또 real love story. All day 왜 기분이 좋은 걸까. 널 듣고 싶어 이런 게 사랑인 걸까. 두 눈 꼭 감고 네 맘 가져볼까 강아지처럼 아니 고양이처럼.

I wanna be your star, shining star. You're so dazzling. Feels like I can't breathe. Even if it's just you and me in this world, I'd fall for you again, real love story. All day, why am I in such a good mood? I wanna hear your voice, is this love? Should I close my eyes and take your heart? Like a puppy, no, like a cat.

257 ㅡ ♕ You've made me find the love that most people can't.

A Love So Beautiful

致我们单纯的小美好

Jiang Chen ☓ Chen Xiao Xi

As a kid growing up, I always believed I can be alone. When I was young, my father passed away. My mother chose to work in other places with my younger brother, not me. So I didn't care about anyone's company. Everyone will leave me anyway. But, Xiao Xi was the unique one for me. She's always being here and there with me. I slowly found out that I couldn't bear to see whether she followed me secretly on my way to school. I couldn't bear to draw the curtain aside to see what she was doing when I was home. When I was doing my homework, I'd think she might cry with such a difficult problem. I kept on thinking that she would come with me when I left, because she used to be like that. But this time, she didn't. I didn’t know what to do. Actually, I came back later to find her, but I found out her with you. I thought maybe she finally found out that I wasn't as perfect as she imagined, and I was not the most suitable person for her. So, the only way for me was to console myself, that she was so clumsy, noisy, and ate too much, that I'll be better without her. But, I finally realized that I can't convince myself by it. I want to hear her voice. I want to have dinner with her. I want her love, forever and always. Actually, I can change all whatever she dislikes, but I don't even know what she loved about me. 

Why do you always forget that I love you so much, so even if many girls are taller, slimmer, prettier, softer, and more sensible than you, it's not my business. Thank you, Xiao Xi. You've made me find the love that most people can't. 

Sometimes I just wonder if I've done some evil things in my last lifetime. My doomed love with her must have started then. She doesn't understand my words. I can't figure it out either. Her legs are so short, but how can she run so fast when chasing me? Then, I often tried to walk faster to see whether she could catch up with me. I didn't expect that she could really catch up with me. Then I began to wait for her, and observe her involuntarily. Then, I found that she's just a big trouble. She made trouble all day. I always had to deal with the aftermath for her. I wrote my first review to save her, but I feel that she really did better than me in writing reviews. In order to get the activity fee back for her, I helped the teacher copy a report. I copied it on class and even after class. I didn't even know what the lesson was about that day. But sometimes, she's really unworthy of sympathy. Silly girl. Yes, I started to become jealous. Later I heard that she'd transfer to another school. I couldn't sleep all night. I was suddenly afraid that she would really go. So, I had to choose to forgive her unilaterally. I tried not to let her make trouble in other schools. I began to realize that she was actually quiet lovely, gradually. I couldn't help smiling at the thought of her. Sometimes I couldn't help but look out for her. Sometimes I can't help but to bully her. But, every time I tried to do something for her, she always made me very angry. I voted for another person during the class monitor election. Why did she run around with another person on the playground? I was annoyed at the sight of it. I didn't realize that I've fallen in love with her since then. She cried miserably that day. I suddenly felt that I shouldn't make her cry so miserably in the future, but I didn't seem to make it. It seemed that we were often on different modes. At that time, I thought she was just grouchy, that it would be okay after she calmed down. Then, I realized that I thought too easily. The three years in Xiehe Hospital seemed to pass in a short time. But, I only knew myself. I felt like I was wearing a sweater backwards every day. I felt very uncomfortable. It felt very hard to breathe. So, I must find her back again whoever is with her. I know I'm selfish, but she is so nice. She could not only tolerate my coldness, strangeness, and inflexibility, but she also enjoyed it. Such existence is a role set for me in the game, or she is insane. And I'm really lucky to have this insane girl again. Xiao Xi, I appreciate it so much that you can come back, and we can go back.

256 ㅡ ♕ Dia membuat jantungku berdebar, dan aku yakin, aku telah jatuh hati.

TIMMY LI ☓ DOCTOR LI
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation

Written by Vanny | 1,486 words

How does it feel to like someone?
When he appears, everything else fades into the background,
and he’s in the middle of everyone, 
glowing.

——————————

1. Hardworking. Tiada hari tanpa bekerja bagi seorang Dokter Tim. Menghabiskan sebagian besar waktunya di rumah sakit? Itu sudah biasa. Bukan hal yang mustahil juga bila dokter muda ini bahkan tidak pulang ke rumah, dan menganggap bahwa rumah sakit keluarga yang akan ia pimpin itu adalah kediamannya.
2. Warmhearted. Sering berjumpa dan bertegur sapa dengan anak-anak membuat Tim selalu senang menghumbar senyum. Ia mudah menunjukkan simpati atau empati terhadap suatu hal, dan juga senang memberikan afeksi kepada orang lain dalam bentuk apa pun. Tidak hanya anak-anak saja yang menyukai Timmy, tetapi para lansia pun sangat senang, jika lelaki itu sudah mengajak mereka bicara dan menunjukkan kekhawatirannya akan kesehatan mereka.
3. Tolerant. Tim adalah sosok laki-laki yang sangat menghargai pendapat orang lain. Ia bukan seseorang yang akan langsung menghardik dan mengatakan segala kesalahan orang lain tanpa mendengar pendapat orang tersebut. Sederhananya, ia pecinta damai sehingga ia lebih senang menyelesaikan suatu permasalahan dengan musyawarah.
4. Sweet. Ramah, mudah bergaul, dan senang tersenyum membuat Tim sering disebut ‘Sweet Talker’ karena kebiasaannya yang suka memerhatikan orang lain dan menunjukkan afeksi kepada orang lain dengan sangat mudah.
5. Patient. Sabar. Seluruh persona yang mengambil kedokteran sebagai spesialisasi mereka, tentu harus memiliki satu sifat ini, yaitu kesabaran. Karena pekerjaan, Tim dapat dengan bangga mengatakan bahwa dirinya termasuk ke dalam golongan laki-laki yang sabar. Kesabarannya selalu teruji sebab dirinya dipertemukan dengan banyak anak-anak yang memiliki sifat yang berbeda-beda setiap harinya, dan itu adalah sebuah hal yang baik. Bukankah begitu?
6. Protective. Ia akan menjaga segala hal yang ia miliki. Bukan hanya perihal pekerjaan saja, melainkan juga orang-orang yang berharga dalam hidupnya. Jika sudah menyangkut mereka yang terkasih baginya, ia akan menghalalkan segala cara untuk melindungi mereka. Merhargai kehidupan, pertemanan, dan persaudaraan merupakan satu hal yang selalu melekat dalam diri seorang Timmy Li.

——————————

Beijing, 2003.

Hari ini aku bertemu dengan seorang perempuan saat bermain di taman perumahan. Namanya Huang Li Xia. Rambutnya pendek sebahu, wajahnya oval, hidungnya mancung, dan kedua matanya hilang saat ia tertawa. Ia pandai bernyanyi, menari, dan senang bermain pasir. Katanya, ia bercita-cita ingin tinggal di daerah pesisir pantai, membangun istana pasir yang besar, dan bertemu dengan putri duyung. Untuk yang terakhir, aku tidak percaya. Mana ada yang namanya putri duyung? Tetapi, aku percaya bahwa Li Xia dapat mewujudkan cita-cita dan keinginannya kelak. Suatu saat nanti, di saat yang tidak terduga, semua pasti dapat menjadi kenyataan. Tuhan akan selalu menuntun umatnya menuju jalan terbaik dalam hidup, sehingga aku percaya suatu hari nanti, aku bisa bahagia bersamanya—melihatnya tersenyum, menghabiskan waktu dengannya, dan menemaninya mewujudkan impiannya.

Aku mengecup kening perempuan bertubuh mungil yang baru pertama kali kutemui. Ia tersenyum, dan aku pun ikut tersenyum. Kemudian, aku menggenggam kedua tangan lembutnya dan kutanyakan sesuatu kepadanya: “Besok aku akan mememanimu membangun istana pasir. Maukah kau datang ke tempat ini lagi dan bermain denganku?” 

Huang Li Xia mengangguk, dan saat itu, kau tak akan pernah tahu seberapa lebar senyumanku ketika melihatnya begitu bahagia.

Usai mengatakan itu, hari sudah sore, dan ayah bisa marah, jika aku masih bermain di taman sampai larut, sehingga sesampainya di rumah, aku langsung mandi dan berganti pakaian. Aku pergi ke kamar ibu sesudah mandi dan tubuhku sudah harum. Aku mengatakan kepada ibu bahwa aku sudah memiliki seseorang yang akan kuajak hidup bersama. Mustahil memang bagi anak seusiaku yang baru 12 tahun untuk menentukan kehidupanku yang masih sangat jauh, tetapi aku serius.

“Ibu, perempuan ini membuat jantungku berdebar, dan aku yakin, aku telah jatuh hati.”

——————————

Beijing, 2008.

Aku dan Huang Li Xia sudah berteman dekat sejak lima tahun yang lalu. Ternyata, Li Xia adalah anak rekan kerja ayah yang baru pindah dari Wuhan ke perumahan yang sama denganku. Sejak pertama kali kami bertemu, kami sudah dekat, dan karena rumah kami yang bersebelahan, kami pun sering bermain bersama. Ayah juga tidak masalah, jika aku menghabiskan sore hariku bermain di Kediaman Huang. Aku sudah tidak pernah bermain di taman lagi sejak mengetahui rumah perempuan yang menarik perhatianku sejak pertama kali bertemu itu tepat berada di sebelah rumahku. Kami sering bermain bersama selepas pulang sekolah. Bahkan, terkadang Li Xia pun bermalam di rumahku, jika hari sudah terlalu larut untuk pulang karena kami terlalu asik bersenda gurau. Ibuku sangat menyukai Li Xia karena aku anak tunggal di keluarga Li.

Tahun ini aku berusia 17 tahun, dan sebentar lagi aku akan lulus sekolah menengah atas. Li Xia yang lebih muda dua tahun dariku berusia 15 tahun. Suatu hari, kami bermain rumah-rumahan. Aku berperan sebagai kepala rumah tangga yang bekerja sebagai dokter dengan membawa stetoskop mainan, dan Li Xia menunjukkan keahliannya bermain dengan pisau di dapur sederhana yang khusus didesain oleh ayah Li Xia di kamarnya. Saat itu, aku yang sudah jatuh hati sejak pertama kali bertemu dengan Li Xia mengatakan satu hal yang jauh dari ekspektasi siapa pun.

“Li Xia, bersediakah kau selamanya bersama denganku?”

Awalnya, Li Xia tidak menjawab. Perempuan itu menatapku dengan seribu tanya, tetapi kemudian, ia tersenyum. Oh, Tuhan. Senyumannya begitu indah sampai-sampai aku kehabisan kata-kata untuk mendeskripsikan kecantikannya. Manis. Aku selalu terkesima. Aku tentu ikut tersenyum karena hatiku begitu bahagia. Jika memang aku pantas bahagia, biarkanlah aku bersama dengan perempuan di hadapanku ini... selamanya. Itulah doaku, saat itu. Tetapi, jawaban yang kuterima dari mempelai wanita impianku itu membuat tanda tanya besar timbul dalam kepalaku.

“Tidak ada yang tahu apa arti sesungguhnya dari kata; selamanya.”

Meski begitu, aku tetap bahagia karena aku kembali berhasil membuatnya tersenyum. Mungkin aku masih terlalu lugu untuk mencoba mencari jawaban atas tanda tanya besar dalam kepalaku. Mungkin juga aku enggan mengetahui arti kalimatnya kepadaku. Setidaknya, untuk saat itu, aku tahu aku begitu bahagia sampai tak ingin aku berhenti menatapnya tersenyum.

——————————

Beijing, 2009.

Seseorang pernah berkata kepadaku: “Tidak ada yang namanya cinta sejati.” Aku tidak menyakini hal yang sama dengan seseorang itu, tetapi kehidupan memaksaku untuk mengubur impian yang selalu ingin kuwujudkan.

Aku baru menyadari arti yang tersirat dalam kalimat Huang Li Xia yang ia berikan kepadaku sebagai jawaban. Ia tidak ingin aku bersedih sepanjang hidupku, tetapi mana mungkin? Aku sudah menghabiskan masa kecilku bersama dengannya, seseorang yang mengisi relung hatiku. Aku sudah memutuskan untuk hidup dengannya sejak aku bahkan masih belum bisa mengurus hidupku sendiri. Aku tidak percaya secepat itu malaikat kecilku meninggalkan dunia menuju tempat yang lebih baik di atas sana. Lalu, bagaimana aku bisa menjalankan kehidupanku? Apalagi ketika aku mengetahui alasan dirinya pergi begitu cepat. Seharusnya ia bisa diselamatkan. Seharusnya Li Xia masih bisa berdiri di sampingku, menemaniku memandang indahnya matahari terbenam.

“Ayah, kau sudah meruntuhkan hidupku dengan membiarkan Li Xia pergi begitu saja!”

Ayahku, Li Jun Ren, yang membunuh Huang Li Xia. Jika saat itu ayah tidak sedang rapat bersama dengan para pemegang saham, nyawa Li Xia pasti dapat diselamatkan, dan aku tidak perlu menyalahkan diriku sendiri atas hal itu. Entah apa yang membuat kedua orang tua Li Xia membiarkan anak sulung mereka itu terkapar di atas brankar Instalasi Gawat Darurat, tanpa meminta pertolongan seakan sudah mengetahui akhir dari kisah hidup sang anak. Aku tidak tahu apa pun. Aku hanya tahu kabar duka yang begitu meruntuhkan duniaku. Sejak saat itu, aku memutuskan untuk menjadi seorang dokter yang tidak akan meninggalkan rumah sakit. Aku memutuskan untuk menjadi seorang dokter yang berbeda dari mereka. Aku memutuskan untuk tidak akan membiarkan satu orang pun meninggalkan dunia dengan berusaha keras mengobati mereka semua dengan baik, terutama anak-anak. 

“Aku tidak percaya Li Xia telah tiada, mana mampu aku bermimpi lagi barang sejenak sejak kepergiannya.”

——————————

Akatsuki City, 2018.

Tahun ini aku berusia 27 tahun. Semua tahap pendidikan sudah kuselesaikan, dan bahkan masa-masa diriku menjadi koas sudah kulewati. Sejak tahun 2016, aku sudah pindah ke kota kecil di pinggiran Tokyo yang bernama Akatsuki. Di sini, aku menjadi dokter anak yang sangat disayangi oleh seluruh pasienku. Aku suka anak-anak, dan setiap kali aku melihat anak perempuan yang kira-kira berusia 10 tahun, entah mengapa seketika hatiku terasa perih, dan rasanya ingin menitikkan air mata, tetapi aku menahannya. Jangan sampai aku menangis di depan anak-anak yang nasibnya lebih malang jauh dariku. Aku bahagia akan hidupku sekarang. Meskipun aku masih belum bisa melupakan sosok malaikat tercantik yang pernah mengisi hidupku dan pernah kucintai lebih dari segalanya; yang sudah pergi dari hidupku, aku berusaha untuk hidup sebaik mungkin. Aku ditugaskan oleh ayahku untuk mengurus rumah sakit cabang di Akatsuki yang bernama Happy Smile Hospital. Ya, rumah sakit ini nantinya akan menjadi milikku, tetapi nanti, bukan sekarang. Tidak ‘kah lebih baik menikmati hidup sebagai dokter anak biasa dahulu sebelum fokus kehidupan menjadi terpencar akibat terlalu sibuk mengurus rumah sakit secara umum daripada pasien? Iya. Oleh karena itu, aku akan memenuhi janjiku untuk menjadi seorang dokter anak yang dapat diandalkan. Seorang dokter yang selalu berada di rumah sakit. Seorang dokter yang hebat.

“Suatu hari nanti, aku pasti akan bahagia.”

255 ㅡ ♕ Kehidupan mungkin adalah sebaris pertanyaan yang diberikan secara lisan.

Kehidupan mungkin adalah sebaris pertanyaan yang diberikan secara lisan. Mereka tidak pernah mengajarkan dengan apa dan bagaimana cara menjawabnya. Kita hanya bisa mencoba dan menerka hingga berputus asa. Namun, banyak sekali hal-hal indah yang bisa dilakukan, menyerah adalah bukan salah satunya

Cerita, cinta, realita dan cita-cita adalah beberapa bab yang bisa kita baca dalam buku kehidupan. Tidak ada salahnya untuk membolak-balikan halaman tersebut dan membacanya berulang-ulang, tetapi dengan terus melanjutkan ke lembar berikutnya adalah salah satu cara untuk menyelesaikannya. Pasti banyak cerita yang tidak menyenangkan, tetapi dari situ juga kita mendapatkan pengalaman.

Mari kita bersama dan bercerita kepada sekitar, tentang apa yang telah diberikan kehidupan kepada kita, dari mulai amarah hingga bahagia. Barangkali beberapa diantaranya berguna bagi mereka yang sedang dilanda masalah.

Mungkin kini saatnya kita menjadi manusia sepenuhnya, sebab kita adalah manusia yang masih belajar menjadi salah satunya dan terlalu lama tidak pernah benar-benar ada disana.

Transkrip: Menjadi Manusia, Menjadi Manusia.

254 ㅡ ♕ Cinta adalah menentukan pilihan setiap harinya; untuk mencintai atau tidak mencintai.

Cinta adalah serangkaian pilihan. Pada dasarnya kita akan mulai menyukai seseorang dari bentuk fisiknya, lalu kemudian kita mulai mengenal lebih dalam. Selera humor, hobi, prinsip, logika, dan sebagainya. Dari berbagai hal tersebut, kita sudah mulai memilih mana yang sekiranya tepat untuk kita cintai. Jika pilihan sudah ditentukan, cinta bisa memberikan sensasi luar biasa. Bagaimana kita merasa nyaman ketika berada di dekat orang yang kita cinta, senyumannya yang seolah membuat kita lupa akan segala masalah, atau suaranya yang secara ajaib mengobati luka teramat. 

Sama seperti menaiki sebuah pesawat, ada kemungkinan terjadi turbulensi; Ketidaksepahaman. Pertengkaran. Rasa bosan. Kita akan sampai pada titik dimana kita ragu apakah kita sudah menentukan pilihan yang tepat. Kemudian kita harus menentukan pilihan kembali: untuk tetap terbang bersama orang tersebut, atau melompat dari pesawat.

Jika kita memilih untuk melompat, sensasi terjatuhnya bisa membuat kita menjadi dewasa, atau justru sengsara, tergantung apakah kita melihat hal tersebut sebagai sebuah akhir atau justru sebuah awal yang baru. Namun, pada akhirnya kita akan kembali berada pada sebuah bandara dan menunggu untuk menaiki pesawat berikutnya. Lalu kemudian ada turbulensi lagi, atau justru kali ini tidak ada sama sekali, atau bahkan kita memilih untuk merubah tujuan penerbangan. Apapun itu, pilihannya akan tetap sama. Untuk tetap terbang atau  melompat?

Cinta adalah menentukan pilihan setiap harinya; untuk mencintai atau tidak mencintai. Sangat sederhana, bukan? Sayangnya, tidak. Pilihan untuk mencintai bukanlah perasaan; melainkan sebuah tindakan. Itulah mengapa sangat sulit. Kita harus melakukan sesuatu, tidak hanya sekedar membeli bunga. Dan seringnya kita harus berkorban dan mengesampingkan keinginan diri sendiri. Terkadang mudah untuk dicintai. Terkadang juga sangat sulit. Tetapi pada akhirnya, itu selalu menjadi  pilihan.

Lalu bagaimana kita tahu kalau itu cinta? Sayangnya, itu bukan pertanyaan yang harus ditanyakan. Pertanyaannya adalah: Apakah kita memilih untuk mencintai orang tersebut atau tidak? Sekarang. Bukan esok. Hari ini. Jika iya, cintai dengan semua kapasitas yang kita miliki. Jika tidak, maka berjanjilah satu hal.

Biarlah jatuhnya membuat kita lebih kuat.

Transkrip: Menjadi Manusia, Tentang Cinta.

253 ㅡ ♕ You know you were born to fly.

VELOVE OWENS

Because this is my life, and that’s the only explanation you need

Written by Vanny | 1,207 words

A story I’ve heard often somewhere;

Ugly duckling and swan, a butterfly before it flies

People don’t know, they don’t see your wings

A new world you’ve met could be cruel,

But strong girl, you know you were born to fly.

——————————

VELOVE, the perfect girl who can do no wrong. She is a bright star born to bask in the center of attention attracting others with her beauty during her younger days and attaining glory as an adult. She seems to be living the life that any girl would envy, but fate and ambition threatens to destroy her innocence. She is passionate, running into the flames head on in hopes of rebirth. She might be the “perfect” girl who can do almost everything, though her forte is painting and art is her life, who seemingly lives a life envied by others, but actually she is really lonely and insecure deep down. She likes to throw jokes at others and always smile almost all the time. That’s somehow just her mask to hide her insecurities by living the perfect life—they said—but isn’t the life she wants. She likes listening to the sound of raindrops, always loving her ‘me-time’ but being with lots of people, laughing together, makes her better since she wants to be needed, she wants to be helpful to others. Putting other feeling’s first than hers doesn’t make her fake, that’s how much she cares about her friends and family. She only wants to live her own life the way she really wants, that’s what makes her turned into such a rebellious kid ever since she was ten. Nonetheless, she’s still that Velove Owens who loves freedom, always seeking for attention by being ambitious, never know how to give up before giving everything a try—setting goals of life, because she is now having her own life as both of her hands controlling the steering wheel. She loves painting so much and she could bravely say that she has achieved her dream. She could build her own art studio right after she graduated from Tokyo University of Arts with Fine Arts as her major, and become a famous painter, an artist. Although both parents didn’t want her to move to Japan from Melbourne and attend fine arts classes, she blocked her ears and passionately studying hard until she could satisfy herself, until she could really say, “I am proud of myself, I am proud of my choice.” Everything has now come to what Velove truly wants. Yes, it’s because she never doubt herself, and always set her goals—the most important thing, she always believes in herself.

——————————

Velove Owens was born as the second daughter of Owens Family. Ever since she was little, she had been taught to be polite, well-mannered in front of others, and also learnt to use honorific when talking to everyone around herㅡall had been taught pretty strictly by her parents, because they were obsessed with making her a great and powerful lady when she grown up. There were no days of rest for little Velove. Everyday, she had to keep attending classes, here and there. Doing all things she dislikes made her grown up as a strong-willed lady.

By the time she started her school days, she had been considered as one of those powerful new students who were living in luxury with glorious background. Despite her rich family being exposed ever since she was little, people would claim her as such a prodigy because of her clevernessㅡher IQ is above average. She would get nine or even ten when her classmates got only six, and she would be proud of herself by looking down at the lower score ones with a grin.

Bryan Owens and Saitō Ume were really glad seeing both of her daughters grown up well-mannered, strong-willed, passionate and also smart. After waiting for years, finally a long awaited time was right around the corner. The time to choose the successor of AQUARES had come. Bryan would like to choose Violetta Owens, his eldest daughter, to become his clothing brand’s next CEO, but Ume believed that Velove has that strong vibe to become the next CEO and led the company well. Through lots of meetings with investor and share-holders also with some internal staffs, the announcement was made. Violetta became the next CEO of AQUARES. Actually, deep inside Velove’s heart, she was happy, she was glad, she didn’t want to be the successor and live under her parents’ control. She was seeking for freedom. She wanted to be a painter, an artist, and not a CEO.

Violetta was twenty seven when she got selected as the next CEO, and year after, she already could sit down on Bryan’s chief executive officer’s chair and started riding the AQUARES ship in her own way. Seeing her father also her sister being busy almost 24/7 preparing for everything, Velove tried to persuade her mother so that she could move to Japan and attend fine arts classes as she wanted to start chasing her dream—which was to become a famous painter. But, no wonder from a rich family, no one ever wanted a painter daughter. Ume didn’t give her blessing for Velove to go, Bryan also said, ‘no’, and her sister rolled her eyes and said, “What will you get in Japan and fine arts? Shame.”

Shame.

That time when Velove didn’t get all the permissions to follow her heart; to reach her dream, was the longest time ever. Sadness came every single night, she would pray to God and still trying to persuade her parents because she was sure, really sure she could be a famous painter one day. But, again and again, Velove didn’t get what she wanted. She even got rejected to come to her father’s office and her mother defended her father by saying, “Your father is busy, love.” Well, after spending days of thinking, Velove didn’t want to stop at there before even having a starting point; before starting everything. She packed her luggage and left Australia. Leaving home in Melbourne, her family, her friends, and everything that she had—she started a new as a freshman in Tokyo University of Arts and diligently attending fine arts classes until she graduated cum laude with perfect scores.

Years spent by her being alone, living in a big city called Tokyo, and she already achieved one of her goals—graduating from arts university. She could open her own arts studio called d’Artz Island in Nagasaki City right after she graduated because of her perfect scores in fine arts and also because of her strong-willed in arts. She met an art chief executive officer, Inagaki Satoshi, and started collaborating. She even had her arts book published. Finally, she could be proud of her own choice. A famous painter she is now, and it is such a dream comes true.

After spending years in Japan’s capital; Tokyo, and some months in Nagasaki City, she decided to expand her popularity by moving to Korea. Jinhae City. She decided to challenge herself in a new environment.

252 ㅡ ♕ Because family, trust, and love are just meaningless words.

FUKUDA AIMI ☓ CHOI GEURIM

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable

Written by Vanny | 1,828 words

Hoping love will be perfected with only love

Hoping that all my weaknesses will be hidden in this dream that won’t ever come true

I grew a flower that couldn’t be blossomed

——————————

✦ Location: Nagoya Daini Red Cross Hospital, Japan
✦ Date: July 19th, 1994

That time, clock ticked slower than before for some reasons. One, a wife was struggling in the operation room. Two, only one of them who could survive. Because of diabetes, Mrs. Han—Han Jungjoo—only had to trust her doctor regarding the situation she went through. She fought her own self to give birth to Fukuda Family’s second child. Fukuda Hiroshi, Jungjoo’s husband, already said that it was okay not to give birth to the second child, but Han Jungjoo insisted to keep her child alive and risked her own life.

It was raining when the sound of crying baby could possibly be heard from afar. Yes, a baby girl was born. The second child of Fukuda Family was there after nine months inside her mother’s womb. But, poor baby girl... the day she opened her eyes for the first time, she had to see her father and her brother crying out loud because there would be just the three of them now. It supposed to be four, but in the end, it was all back to God’s plan. Han Jungjoo died due diabetes when delivering the baby. Because of that, Fukuda Hiroshi put his hatred of the loss of his wife on his second child.

“Sa... Sarang,” in her last minute, Jungjoo still able to mumble something.

Sarang. 
A name. 
It’s love.

And Fukuda Hiroshi named her daughter, Fukuda Aimi.

Ai means love.

——————————

✦ Location: Fukuda’s Residence in Nagoya, Japan
✦ Date: September 1st, 2008

“Can’t you just disappear from my life? Like forever? My life has already been a mess since your mother died because of you. Is it not enough for you?!” Fukuda Hiroshi shouted at Aimi.

He furiously angry by his daughter’s existence. He wanted his love, he wanted his wife back. But, no use, and after all these time waiting with longing heart, he still refused to accept the fact that his wife could never come back home.

Silence went inside the living room for a moment, accompanying the cursed daughter to hold back tears. But, that was what infuriated him the most. Fukuda Hiroshi shouted even louder, “Please, just disappear from my life. I beg you. You are not my child ever since you killed your mother with your existence here! Get a way to die, or just live as far away as you can from me! DAMN IT, FUCK OFF.” Hiroshi was drunk when he cursed at Aimi.

Yeah, we believe that people who are drunk speak only the truth, right?

Other than being cursed at, Aimi hated the way his father always looked at her with flames in his eyes. After some spiteful words came out from Hiroshi’s mouth, he grabbed a wood stick, and began to swing it with all his might. The only daughter of the family couldn’t say anything, and all she did was trying to defend herself by raising both of her arms up to cover her face from getting hit by his father. But, before any violence happened in the house, a tall man with a husky and low baritone voice suddenly became a part of the battle. His brother, Fukuda Akio, stepped into the game. He pulled out a fist and ended up hitting his father to prevent him from hurting his sister. Hiroshi fell down.

That would be amazing if he just died, suddenly Aimi stopped being herself. She was depressed, frustrated at the moment. She cried out loud with both of her hands covering her face.

“Don’t listen to him, Ai-chan.” A familiar voice could be heard clearly inside the room. Akio walked closer to his sister, tapping her shoulder and making her moved away from their screwed up father.

“I can’t, nii-chan...” More tears fell down, running through her cheeks as her face turned red. It was painful. Her heart cried along.

Imagine. What would you do if your own biological father wanted you to just die? Silence would be your answer, or tears might be your answer in these situation.

“Hey, look at me.” Akio gently grabbed both of her sister’s hands which was covering her face earlier, and made her looking straight into his eyes. “Never doubt your worth. You are loved. You are stronger more than you think you are. Ai-chan, you are amazing, brave, and wonderful.” 

In no time, a soft smile could be seen adorning Aimi‘s beautiful face. “Thank you, nii-chan.”

Akio always knew how to melt her heart. If there was only one person she could save in a doomsday, she would never hesitate to go saving her brother. He made her (at least) knew something about her name; something about love.

Actually, is this really something called ‘love’?

——————————

✦ Location: Chubu Centrair International Airport, Japan
✦ Date: December 15th, 2009

It was winter that brought her back to life. It was such a painful fact. The one she refused to believe. Well, if a time machine really existed, could you lend it for her? For her to feel some moments once again, before arguing whether her life was really a pain in the ass or not. But, no doubt, the answer was yes since the day she opened her eyes.

December 15th marked the day Fukuda Hiroshi sold his only daughter to a mafia organization, and Akio was the one who deceived Aimi to sign a contract. An adoption paper.

Without knowing anything regarding to her flight to South Korea, Aimi followed her brother, Akio, to the airport. She put her trust on his shoulder, but who knew even a brother could do something cruel to her only sister. That was what came through her mind, the moment he saw Akio handing her to some tall men dressing in black. All looked very scary, and the look in their eyes said it all, that they could kill Aimi anytime they wanted to.

Is this what they called ‘love’?

“YOU BROKE MY TRUST!” Aimi managed to shout at her brother who had already showed his back.

Family? FUCK IT.

——————————

✦ Location: Hanyang University, South Korea
✦ Date: August 22th, 2015

After spending three years of studying, the day of her graduating finally came. Ever since she moved to South Korea, six years ago, she had been raised by a mafia organization which called themselves as ‘family’ and she was a part of if as a daughter. She changed her name from Fukuda Aimi to Choi Geurim. Geurim held a simple, but deep meaning; a picture, which meant she would live her life as if she was living in every pictures painted by others.

Talking about her studies, Ai—Geurim took Interior Architecture Design as her major, so that later she could become someone who lead the family when doing their jobs; robbery, because she knew the layouts and materials used in the house. Honestly, her dream was to become a doctor, to study medicine, but life made her couldn’t follow her heart. She couldn’t do what she loves, and that’s life.

Ah, what is love, anyway?

There was no days for young Geurim to actually breath fresh air. Everything started from six years ago. The next day she knew her father sold her to a mafia organization, she went through lots of struggle for one day she could be useful to the family; for her to finally work as a thief. She was raised pretty badly. She knew violence, death, blood, since she was little, and slowly but sure, she forgot her true self. She became selfish, cold, unforgiven, and braver than she used to be. Never heard about how her father and brother doing didn’t make her want to ask for an information from an informant in the family. She would swear to God, she wanted them to just die, burnt in flames and back to ashes. Those two person were the ones who made her turned into a living puppet.

——————————

✦ Location: Silla City, South Korea
✦ Date: July 9th, 2018

Choi Geurim who was a part of the mafia organization since 2009 followed the instructions for everyone in the family to move to Silla City. She had to leave her job and would have to search for a new one in the new city.

She became more mature as time went by pretty quickly because she had no feelings for living. She always did what her family wanted her to do, because that was the only way to repay them for not killing her when she wanted to runaway six years ago. 

Well, she is indeed a living puppet.

Her frozen heart decided that she would never trust anyone. She would never fall in love with anyone. 

Because love is just a meaningless word.

——————————

✦ Location: Jeju Island, South Korea
✦ Date: xx-xx-xx, 20xx

One day, she finally believed that, “It’s not like you know all about today, just because you lived yesterday.”

She found someone whom she could really put her trust later on, and it miraculously happened when she was travelling to a very beautiful island in South Korea, Jeju Island. She was mesmerized by how he treated her respectfully, and at the first meeting, suddenly she could feel her cheeks turned into the color of scarlet. At the second meeting, she could stare at his beautiful eyes for hours and forget the cruel world ever existed. At the third meeting, she watched him like he had the stars in his hands and soft petals at his feet. At the fourth meeting, she wanted to hug him and never let go.

The cold black night pierced her very bones. She was literally paralyzed with fear when she came to a realization that she might believe in someone again, but somehow, she felt as if the whole world was on her side; made her floating on air. That was when she decided to keep going straight forward.

She was an underwater spirit, not the bold sun in the sky since she was little. She was the fish in the cool shallows, never the hawk who hunted above. She was wind-chimes in a spring breeze, never a storm to bring all the wrong kinds of excitement. But, she promised, if he'd give her a chance, in their home, she would be the warmth, the love, and the laughter.

And, she was dreaming with her eyes open. She used to dream every night, but she never dreamed anything at all ever since she met him, because she believed he was the one who would stare at her and say three crucial words, eight amazing letters, “I love you.”

251 ㅡ ♕ My shooting star, I won't ever let you go.

Is that star looking at me too? Won't it be looking at me? At me? Isn't it looking for me right now? Or is it avoiding me?

You're fainter today, so this night is meaningless to me. Even if the dark night passes and morning comes. Even if I can't see you because of the clouds. Even though I know you're still there.

Every time I can't see you, I get nervous, so I pray that the clouds will be rain and fall down.

Is there anything that shines as much as you? What if you can't hear my song because you're too far away? What I'm looking at is you. Every night, I look at you.

Did you see me with my hands gathered? Did you see me too? Or did you avoid me? I pray that you'll fall into my arms. My shooting star, I won't ever let you go. My shining star, this is just part of the journey.

All I can do right now is to believe that you're looking at me, even after you left me without a single trace. But, why is that I can see you, but I can't touch you or hug you?

250 ㅡ ♕ Don't sleep on me, my sleeping beauty.

Don't sleep. Don't wake me up.

After all this time, after all these vibes, after all these highs, we're still on this ride. Never wanna say good bye. You brought me back to life and forever it's just us.

No more you and I, never off just on. Opposite of wrong. If it was you and me against the world, I'd still like our odds. Please don't ever close your eyes on me, my sleeping beauty.

I gotta know if you're really down cause when there's smoke, there's fire. I just hope you realize that you know I believe in a thing called destiny.

So, please don't sleep on me.

The high that you're giving me is coming so strong. Head up in the clouds, it could poke the ozone. The world is a wake up, call away from the end. Till then, we'll find peace in this bed like we're Yoko and John. There's no coming home when you're not there, because together is alone when we're not a pair. My love is timeless and colorblind. I will love your black, love your brown and your white hair the same.

Be it sun or rain, be it shame or fame. My name will be yours.

Don't wake me up. I don't wanna wake up. No morning paper. No tea in my cup. No sun in my eye. No morning runner's high. No birds, no butterflies. If you're not next to me.

So, please don't sleep on me.

249 ㅡ ♕ Kita tidak selalu dapat mengandalkan kesan pertama.

Tertantang

Toni-Michelle Nell

1

✦ Kang Shinwoo x Han Jisoo ✦

Kita tidak mencintai seseorang karena rupanya, pakaiannya, atau mobilnya yang keren, tetapi karena mereka menyanyikan lagu yang hanya kita yang bisa mendengarnya.

— Sumber tidak diketahui 

Aku wanita berusia 26 tahun, lajang, dan baru saja membeli rumah pertamaku. Rumah ini adalah pembelianku yang pertama sebagai orang dewasa. Setelah menandatangani dokumen terakhir, kuputuskan untuk mampir ke beberapa rumah teman sebelum pulang untuk berkemas.

Temanku yang satu ini bukan tipe orang yang formal, jadi ketika tiba di rumahnya, aku langsung saja masuk. Ketika sampai di sudut ruang tamunya, aku sedikit kaget ketika melihat seorang lelaki yang belum pernah kutemui sedang duduk di sofa. 

Ketika dikenalkan kepada laki-laki itu, Kang Shinwoo, aku tak bisa tidak memperhatikan betapa norak caranya berpakaian. Aku memang jauh dari modis, tetapi aku terpaksa bertanya-tanya apa yang dipikirkannya ketika keluar dari rumah pagi itu.

Setelah kami duduk di ruang tamu, mengobrol dengan asyik, kuperhatikan Shinwoo tidak banyak bicara. Ibuku selalu mengajariku bahwa orang-orang yang mendominasi pembicaraan bukan saja tidak sopan, tetapi kurang ajar. Jadi, aku selalu berusaha melibatkannya ke dalam obrolanku dan temanku. Apa pun yang kukatakan kepadanya, yang kudapat hanyalah jawaban terbata-bata dan patah-patah.

Setelah beberapa jam, aku pun pulang. Banyak sekali yang harus kubereskan dan hari kepindahanku tak terasa sebentar lagi tiba. 

Beberapa hari kemudian, aku pergi membeli tirai jendela untuk rumah baruku. Sesampainya di sana, aku baru sadar bahwa obeng yang kumiliki tidak akan bisa kugunakan untuk memasangnya. Jadi, pergilah aku ke rumah temanku itu kalau-kalau dia memiliki obeng atau bor yang dapat kupinjam dari suaminya. Sesampainya di rumah temanku, dia mengatakan tak keberatan meminjamkan bor, tetapi suaminya belum pulang ke rumah usai bekerja, dan dia tak tahu tempat suaminya menyimpan peralatan yang aku butuhkan itu.

Setelah terdiam sejenak, dia mengatakan Shinwoo sedang ada di ruangan lain, dan dia akan menanyakan apakah Shinwoo memiliki bor atau tidak. Beberapa saat kemudian, Shinwoo pun muncul. Kali ini masalah bicaranya jauh lebih buruk daripada terakhir kali kami bertemu. Aku tidak bisa berbuat lain kecuali memperhatikan bahwa dia lagi-lagi punya selera berpakaian yang benar-benar payah. Perlahan-lahan dia menyampaikan bahwa dia bukan hanya memiliki bor tanpa kabel, tetapi dia juga akan ikut denganku untuk membantuku memasang tirai itu... dan dialah yang akan menyetir.

Perutku mendadak mulas, aku tidak tahu harus mengatakan apa. 

Dapatkah dia melakukan pekerjaan itu? 

Bisakah dia menyetir? 

Haruskah aku mempercayainya? 

Lagi pula, dia benar-benar orang asing bagiku.

Aku menarik napas panjang dan mengiyakan. Aku tahu bila temanku bisa menyetujui, artinya lelaki ini pastilah mampu melakukannya. Kalau tidak, tentu temanku itu sudah memberitahuku. Sambil mengharapkan yang terbaik, aku pun naik ke mobil, duduk di sisi penumpang, dan kami berangkat menempuh perjalanan pendek menuju ke rumah baruku.

Setelah kami sampai, Shinwoo menarik sebuah peti perkakas dari dalam mobil dan mengikutiku masuk ke dalam. Aku harus mengatakan bahwa aku agak terkesan. Sebelum memasang masing-masing tirai itu, dia mengukur dan memberi tanda dengan sangat hati-hati agar tidak menggores jendela-jendela baruku yang indah.

Ketika dia berpindah dari satu ruangan ke ruangan lainnya, aku mengikutinya dari belakang. Ketika itu aku sudah percaya penuh pada kemampuan kerjanya. Shinwoo bicara dengan jelas bila dia sedang membelakangiku. Hanya dalam percakapan sambil bertatap muka saja bicaranya jadi sulit dipahami.

Di jendela terakhir, dengan membelakangiku, dia mengatakan bahwa teman kami itu akan ada acara di luar pada hari Jumat. Dia bertanya apakah aku mau ikut serta. Tanpa ragu sedikit pun, aku mengiyakan. Aku sendiri terkejut, karena aku belum pernah melakukan itu sebelumnya.

Aku sama sekali tak pernah menyangka, meski jutaan tahun pun, bahwa Shinwoo akan menjadi kekasihku ketika pertama kali berjumpa dengannya. Beberapa bulan setelah kami menjalin kasih, aku membuat pengakuan kepada Shinwoo soal kesan pertamaku tentang dia. Shinwoo tertawa dan katanya dia jadi terbata-bata dan gagap hanya bila dia memandangku karena dia merasa aku adalah perempuan paling cantik yang pernah dilihatnya. Hatiku pun kembali... menghangat.

Kamu mungkin bertanya-tanya... bagaimana soal seleranya memilih pakaian? Ternyata, dia berpakaian seperti itu untuk menarik perhatianku.

Kukira kisahku ini bisa dijadikan contoh bahwa kita tidak selalu dapat mengandalkan kesan pertama. Andai saja saat itu aku mengandalkan kesan pertamaku, aku pasti sudah kehilangan kesempatan menjalin kasih selama delapan tahun dengan lelaki paling keren di planet ini.

Orang yang bahagia bukanlah yang berada dalam kondisi-kondisi tertentu, melainkan orang yang memiliki sikap tertentu.

— Hugh Downs