41 ㅡ ♕ BOOM DADA DUAR!!!

Helloooooo! So it's 12:34 now. I'm gonna start to write down all my resolution for 2015. I think it's now the right time to think about my future. 

"2015 is gonna be my year." All time my favorite quote to start a day in a new year. Well 2014 is not my year and i hope 2015 will be full of happiness and also i hope it's my year.......my perfect year to seriously be happy and ykno wat i min.

"I need to lose weight." 2014 i lost so many weight. I maintain my body to be not-to-big and not-to-slim. I eat fruits at school everyday and i hope my weight will be stay like this or maybe get more skinny. I mean skinnier is better right hhe! I hope i don't gain weight and lemme get a beautiful body pls. 2015 be good yeah! 

"I want to graduate with a proud heart." In 2015, i hope i can focus more on my studies. Mom and dad already told me to be more focus since i'm on my 3rd year in high school and they wanted me to make them proud with my scores later. So yeah i hope i never give up on studies and always try my best till i success later! Fighting! 

"Lemme feel loved." This is not for someone but for everyone. I want to be loved by everyone. I want to be remembered by everyone. I don't wanna get a hater. I don't wanna get forgotten by people i loved. I want them to know my existence and never left me behind. I love how people get close to me by sharing stories cause i can get to know more about them. I'm happy cause by them doing that, i know they feel my existence. So pls love me, have me around and let's be happy together! 

"Lemme laugh out loud till my ass off." Make me smile and laugh i'll love you. Pls 2015 i just want to be happy and spend some more time with my bests. I don't wanna have tears falling from my face. I wanna seriously be happy! I wanna laugh till i cry. Let happy people be my happy pills and let them make me laugh!

"Never expect things." This is the new quote and the new mindset for me. I love this cause it's true. Why? Cause i know good things come when you least expect them........so yeah let's keep dreaming and be prepared also from falling! Lemme know what to do in 2015. Give up? No i just wanna be someone more mature so no give up, but let go. Before anything happened, just lemme be happy by doing what i love now. I'm happy, i already felt happy. I beg for more happiness in 2015.

Another resolution?? Lemme think first.......good night! 잘자.

Good luck van!

40 ㅡ ♕ The Red Tears

I can make it through the rain. I can stand up once again on my own and i know that i'm strong enough to mend. I live one more day and i can make it through the rain.

She believed it was a red light. She didn't want to accept it. She still needed to show more things to him. She didn't wanna give up first. She still needed to tell him that she liked him. She cried all day. She worried about him like crazy. That day, she turned on the tv and she saw a news about an airplane from where he was, crashing down. She almost faint. She held back and reached her phone, texting him. Couldn't believe anything she saw. Fortunately, it wasn't his flight which crashed down. She worried. If worrying could make her lose weight then she would be super thin cause worrying too much. She cried. He knew that she was shocked. He knew that she scared of losing him. He knew that she was worried. She showed him all. But he replied, "I'm okay". That's it. When she read her message, she couldn't help but feeling relieved and grateful. In the end, she comforted herself from that shocking news all alone. Another one, he sent her his picture of what he was doing that time. She happily seen it and sent a reply. She waited for his reply by checking her phone every second but........yup no reply but he had seen it. She was stupid. 

She was gonna stop? She needed to stop? She had to stop?....................question marks.

Sometimes letting go then holding onto nothing is so much better. She didn't know.......if this was the right time for her to let go or not. She just wanted to like him. She just wanted him to feel loved. She didn't want him to feel empty and heartless. Feel loved was the best feelings.....for me. So she wanted him to know and to feel that feeling too. Maybe it's true. It's easy to love but it's not easy to be loved.

All she ever wanted was just staying beside him, support him, care about him.....love him silently. That simple. It's okay. She's fine.

There's a million reasons why she should give up but....

 

39 ㅡ ♕ Christmas Signals, 26.

Hellooooo! So yesterday on December 26th, 2014 we had a mandatory lunch to exactly end our 2014. It's almost 2015 in less than a week. We had so much fun dealing with traffic jam, pouring rain, having no clue where to eat, and not-to-get-caught-by police feelings. Yup! we were fine and happy yesterday. We found a really nice place where we had a good food. I cannot believe we found a nice space there where we could sit down, relaxing by looking at beautiful view from the building, feeling old and dare to talk about life. Well....the meaning of girl's day out was working quiet good on us. We hung out and never forgot to do an "ootd" thing hahaha! outfits of the day with the girls are precious for me. One tomboyish with her simple style. One a little bit naughty with her stocking. And i love them both! We talked about everything. Friends, exes, loves, family, school, enemies, bests, and life.

One feminine but ohno.

For me....i want to bring my boyfriend to eat some ice creams with me later lol if i had. I love ice creams xx i think this can possibly happen not in 2015 but that's okay. Let's keep dreaming, never expect!

One tomboyish chingu.

One sekshi wild chingu.

We believe that 2015 will be a good year for the 3 of us. We believe in 2015 each of us will be happy as always. We believe in ourselves. Peace out! xx

Well.....last night my buddy called me through skype asked about should or should not he continued running to catch his girl he liked. I couldn't say anything beside this one statement which always on my mind. My words which always being my mindset, "Do what you love cause you'll be happy just by doing it and there will be no regrets after all" It's exactly what i think what i feel and what i'm gonna do. Loving someone can be hurt. Loving someone can be painful. But there's one thing......"good things come when you least expect them" It's okay to dream it. It's okay to chase it. But don't forget to prepare yourself from falling cause chasing your dream would never be easy. Dream as high as you can but prepare yourself to wake up and face the world.

She showed him her green light. She showed him that she liked him. She showed him that she wanted to stay beside him. She showed him that she wanted to care about him. She showed everything she could do cause she didn't wanna have any regrets in her life. She even let the world knew and she didn't lie. She wanted to be honest to the world cause she did indeed like him. But all she knew was he showed her a yellow light. Well...what do you expect from a relationship that only a month old? yupp....she understood everything. She never expected everything ever since from the start. Even though it was all a lie. She did expect! but what could she does except follow him around and keep taking care of him from nowhere to be found...silently. That was what she would do. She felt relieved cause it wasn't a red light. She still relieved. But, as time goes by she started to know that red light started approaching her. Let's wait till he showed the red light, stopping her from walking towards her dream. And in the end, he would always be her far far away dream.

 Good luck!

it's a red light you see there.....

38 ㅡ ♕ 당당하게 말했다.

People fall in love in mysterious way.

Someone asked, "널 그 사람이 좋아해?"

And then there was an immediate answer, "네!"

She knew she wasn't good enough for him. She wasn't going to give up now either. But all she wanted to do was just staying beside him and cared more about him. Comfort him. He loved being with his friends. She would never ever gonna try to tear the bond. All she gonna do was just understand it. She loved what he loved. It maybe sounded stupid but she was just trying to be more mature each time she saw him around. Even if sometimes it hurt her. She was going to drink and forgot everything but it couldn't be that easy for her. He even didn't know when she left the place. Inhales exhales. He didn't pay attention to her that was fine. Being beside him was a happiness for her. She was happy, last night. They lit up the candle together and brought blue flower for our best.

Happy 17bday our beloved bestie, dec 18th 2014!!!!❤❤

37 ㅡ ♕ Dear Diary...

Dear diary...

Today i saw a boy

I wondered if he noticed me

He took my breathe away

I can't get him off my mind

It scares me cause i never felt this way

No one in this world knows me better than you do

So diary i'll confide in you

Dear diary...

Today i saw a boy

As he walked by, i thought he smiled at me

I wondered, does he know what's in my heart?

I tried to smile but i could hardly breathe

Should i tell him how i feel? Or would that scare him away?

Diary tell me what to do, please tell me what to say...

Dear diary...

One touch of his hand

I can't wait to see that boy again

He smiled

I felt my heart could fly

Diary, do you think we could be more than friends?

Do you think we could be so much more than friends? N.....o?

36 ㅡ ♕ a stranger comes to life.

I hate this tears in my eyes. I hate the way i feel about you. I hate love.

Well.............things might not come as easy as you thought it would be. There are storms. There are rains indeed. Day by day, all you need to do is just holding onto the things you love. Why? Cause by loving it you'll get yourself stronger and you'll be happy just by doing it. Happy cause you've tried your best to reach where you're going to be later. Happy cause no regrets. Even if the result's not gonna be as you wish but....in the end, you're gonna see yourself in the mirror and say, "it's okay, you're strong."

She knew another things. But different case...she should knew it this time. They hung out for the first time after they became a little bit closer as friends. Yup. They were not really close for him. They were just friends....for him. There was still no butterflies flying in his stomach. There was still no goosebumps he felt for her. Cause they just got to know each other for like weeks. She understood. She knew it would be like that. She never expected anything more than just a friend. 좋아해. She knew it.  Being solo was nice maybe. Yes. She didn't know what she should do beside keeping her eye only for him. Looking after him. Taking care of him. Smiling because of his weird jokes. Listening to his voice.....all silently without anyone knowing. It wasn't that bad. She had done it before. This wasn't the first time she did this. This wasn't the first time she cried for him. Maybe now he couldn't see her as a lady, or he never would. She would always be there standing beside him...not gonna do anything but just stay beside him until she felt really tired doing that even if he would never see her as a lady but only a friend of him. It was fine. It was better than be treated like a stranger. Hardly, he treated her like a stranger.......a new stranger of him. As she said yesterday, she was the one who thought she was there in his life. She was the one who thought she had a space in his life. Truthfully, no......no. She was a babo. She was stupid. She knew it already. But she wanted to keep fighting for him. She wanted to keep standing beside him. But until when? Until he seriously hit her in the face and make a fun of her by saying "i don't want you." "I never wanna see you." "I don't have any kind of goosebumps when i met you." and "goodbye." That was gonna be the day she gave her world up. Give up. Stupid moron dumbass. She was scared honestly but she couldn't do anything. She didn't know what exactly things that she needed to do. She hurt herself more....everyday. It was fine. She cried more and more everyday. No one could help. Thanks for letting her feel this kind of feeling. This wasn't pain. This was happiness for her. It was okay.

Loving can hurt so bad. But knowing the truth about some things you should't know might hurt more. So be prepared and be ready!

35 ㅡ ♕ you'll never know.

34 ㅡ ♕ far far away

The glance. The smile. The laugh. Everything. It wasn't even for her ever since from the start. The most scary thing that she'd been afraid of.....finally came to life. She was afraid. Really. Really really. Really afraid. It's okay to cry. She needed a shoulder. Don't ask her why but just lend her your shoulder for a min please. She just wanna let things out. She just super scared. This feeling is weird. It's killing her. She couldn't hold anymore. She was holding onto nothing. He was kind. He was always kind to everyone. Maybe it was her, the one who thought he had feelings for her. And in the end, she was the one who loved him. Not gonna ask a payback by loving her back. She did it cause she loved doing it. She loved being nice to him. It's okay, it's not even the first time being like this. This was the second time. So she had trained her heart twice. He was just her "so far far away dream". They were not close. They were apart by some things. They seemed close.......for her side. But honestly for him it was not. It was never. Close? No. Just a far far away dream. It's okay to keep loving him. Even if people judged me by saying stupid things. But come on this is the 2nd time. He would never see her as a lady. He would never gonna end up with her. She was scared yet still holding on. She knew it. She would never be with him cause she was the one who thought that he was kind only for her but no....he was kind to everyone. It's okay, as long as there's a space as a friend beside him. Rely on her. She would never leave even if everyone left him. She would always standing still right beside him without any reason. She would do that cause she loved doing it. It's okay, it's okay. Again and again. Stupid again. She knew things she didn't have to know. Thanks.

33 ㅡ ♕ 쑬을 많이 마셨다.

Hiiiii! 행복했어, 행복 행복해!!! 어제 난 쑬을 마셨다. 나타리아의 생길 파티에서. 난 그 남자 진짜 좋아.....나 걱정해주셔서 정말 고마워.

First time seeing him there, she was blank. Black out cause she felt that she was so far far away from him. So far even she thought that she wasn't gonna get a place in his life. He was happy with his friends and without him knowing she shed a tear silently. She gained strength from her friends. Her friends were all encouraged her to be okay. Yes, she was okay. She drank 3 glasses and 2 bottles of beer to make her feel better by gaining confidence through hangover. She did it. She didn't know but he stood beside her and talked to her, involving her in his life. She made it right, she jumped high and enjoyed the music together with her friends like there's no tomorrow. She felt much more confident than before. But, right before she really needed to go home. He asked her whether she wanted him to walk her to the car or not. They ended up walking together. She was so happy........she couldn't say anything but "sure."

"Hangover, you"

"No i'm okay i'm not"

행복해 진짜........고마워.

32 ㅡ ♕ 가슴이 뛴다

오늘 진짜 좋아 ㅋㅋㅋ 어제 부터 시작했다...

난 가끔씩 그 사람 마음을 알아

그 사람은 난 안싫어해 그리고 아직 난 안좋아해 근데 다 내 생각이야 음 괜찮아.

괜찮아.....난 이 순간을 너무 좋아 그래서 괜찮아 ㅋㅋㅋ킁

내 가슴이 뛴다, 널 바라보면....너 알아? 몰라 확실히야

오늘 우리 메세지를 많이 했다. 아주 좋아.

내 가슴에서 너 있다. 그 옛날 남자가 없다. 근데 너 있다....

난 널 오늘 부터 널 또 좋아한다....기다려.

31 ㅡ ♕ 어디야?

오늘 나 진짜 화가나......그 사람 한테
헐~ 너 나 한테 왜 이래? 후후훙
난 니 마음 잘 몰라, 확실히야.
넌 나 좋아해 안좋아해.....몰라.

니가 왜 나 한테 이러지......이러지마.
난 널 좋아해. 괜찮아 니가 날 좋아하지 아는다 그냥 내 옆에 계속 있잖아. 그래도 행복해 난....
어렵지 않나.......응?

넌 나의 "딱 내 스타일이 야~" ㅋㅋㅋ
괜찮아 만약 니가 날 안좋아했으면 난 괜찮아.
그냥 메세지를 보내......오늘 너 어디갔어....하루종일 너의 메세지를 기다리고 있었어 바보 같아 헐...

헐~ 대박이다 음....

30 ㅡ ♕ 알고 있을까?

오늘 엄마의 생길이다. 생길 축하해 우리 엄마♡ 오늘 너무 좋아 ㅋㅋㅋ 진짜 진짜 진짜

일주일......난 그 사람 메세지를 자꾸 보내고 있어. 그 사람도 나를 봐.......이게 내 인생이 첫번째야...이 느낌

난 그 사람 마음을 아직 잘 몰라, 근데 괜찮아...

"널 사랑하고 있어요. 혹시 내 마음이 보이나요?"

"왜 날 사랑하지 않을까?"

좋아해. 너는 알고 있을까? 비밀이다.

29 ㅡ ♕ 시작했다?

오늘 우리 아빠 생길이다 ㅋㅋ 오늘 난 엄청 좋아. 그 사람은 나를 봤어.....난 좋아♡

어제처럼 굿나잇 아무 일도 없던 것처럼. 이별대신 굿나잇 내일 니 맘 바뀌질 몰라. 하룻밤만 안녕 내일은 다 괜찮을 거야......

.....아빠 생길 축하해!!!!

그리고,

마음아~~ 행복해라~~이제 :-)

28 ㅡ ♕ Dream

Thinking bout you suddenly

Brushing the dust of our memory

Pictures hanging when you were mine

I wish i could turn back time.......

Reading again our old chat

Smiling again with the sad tears

I wish i could turn back time.....

Once again...

Once again...

Cause i, i, i...

Cannot sleep

Cannot breathe

Cannot eat

Cannot think of anything

Cannot be what you want

Cannot be the perfect lady for you

Well....i wish i could be the one

You can hug

You can love

You can dream

You can breathe for

And.....i wish we could be the one

Who can smile

Who can laugh

Who can love

Who can live together

This is our love song~ please come back~

Well finally...

i can sleep

i can breathe

i can think of everything

Cause you called me last night, you said everything...

"You were mine, you are mine. You're always the perfect lady for me. I'm sad when you said that you cannot sleep oh dear baby. Now i can hug you, love you, dream, breathe for you....everyday"

Together back from the start

Together just you and me

This is not a dream....

This is real, babe.

 Lyrics by Vanny natashia

27 ㅡ ♕ 참아야지

솔직히 난 니가 너무 보고싶어....

근데 어쩔수가 없어 난 이제

참아. 참아야지....

너의 잘못이 아니야...

다 우리 잘못...모두 다.

난 그냥 힘들었어

미안해 난 니가 포기했어, 진짜 진짜 미안.

난 할말이 있어........

이 말은 너 한테 말 할수없어.....

두려워

근데 지금 난 괜찮아 말 할수있어

음......

"너무 고마워...그리고 미안해 널 좋아해 음 아니....미안해 난 널 사랑해."

미안하다는 말. 고맙다는 말. 그리고 사랑한다는 말은 다 말 할수있어 다행이다.

이제 끝이다. 나 알아....잘 알아....

괜찮아 난 참고 있어.

괜찮아 난 할수 있어.

*힘내라........파니......수정이 웃어라*

26 ㅡ ♕ She Will Be Just Fine...

"Aku memperlakukan dia seperti bagaimana dia memperlakukan aku. Dia berubah, aku berubah. Namun, dia hanya merasakan perubahan aku. Dia tidak pernah menyadari sakitnya aku menerima perubahan dia dan berubah untuk dia. Perubahan seperti apa yang aku lakukan? Perubahan aku adalah perubahan dia. Perubahan dia adalah perubahan aku. Sakitkah perubahan itu? Ya, perubahan yang membuat 2 diantara kita sakit. Aku berusaha keras menerima perubahan yang dilakukan dia. Aku mencoba memberi segala macam bentuk kesempatan. Aku mendorong diri untuk menerima semuanya. Ketika aku lelah, aku mencoba berubah sebagaimana dia memperlakukan aku sekarang. 1 kalimat yang dikatakannya padaku.....kamu berubah. Ya, seharusnya kamu menyadari hal itu. Aku memang berubah. Aku berubah untuk kamu perjuangkan lebih. Apa kamu sadar selama ini aku yang memperjuangkanmu bukan kamu yang memperjuangkanku. Apa kamu sadar betapa beratnya namamu yang terukir dalam di punggungku selama 3 tahun ini. Apa kamu sadar semua perubahanmu membuatku merasa bahwa orang yang ada di depanku ini bukanlah kamu. Tidak......kamu tidak pernah mengerti. Kamu bahkan tidak pernah benar-benar memperjuangkan aku sampai sekarang. Kesempatan pertama merupakan awal dari semuanya. Awal yang membawa 2 orang mengerti satu sama lain dan mulai membuat sebuah kastil kecil dari pasir sedikit demi sedikit. Pada tahap awal ini semua bisa terjadi, tangis air mata ataupun senyum manis bahagia. Kesempatan kedua merupakan akhir dari linangan air mata perpisahan yang kemudian dapat berubah menjadi senyum bahagia atau tangis air mata kesepian. Tahap ini tidak mudah.....banyak hal yang membuat kesempatan ini menjadi kesempatan tersulit untuk kembali. Perjuanganlah yang akan memenangkannya. Komunikasi adalah hal terpenting. Dia berubah dan tanpa aku sadari aku juga berubah menjadi seperti dia. Mungkin kesempatan kedua ini hanya dapat hilang sampai disini. Aku tidak ingin mengekangnya. Aku tidak ingin menjauhkannya dari teman-teman. Aku tidak ingin membuatnya merasa tidak nyaman. Aku tidak ingin membuatnya berubah kembali menjadi seseorang yang dulu mungkin dia benci. Aku tidak ingin menjadi seseorang yang membuatnya membenci dirinya sendiri. Biarlah aku yang mundur sedikit demi sedikit. Biarlah dia membenciku yang berubah. Dia berubah, aku tidak membencinya. Aku berubah sama seperti perubahan yang dia lakukan. Namun, dia membenci aku. 이제 진짜 안녕...."

#nowplaying: Gavy NJ - 사랑하게 해줘요.

He hates Joohee and they have lost contact.

He doesn't know how hurt she is.

He doesn't know how hard she have to hold her tears.

But that's okay, the beginning is always the hardest. Even if they have the second chance to get back from the start, the beginning is always gonna be the same. Hard, hardest.

Thankyou.......for deleting her moments little by little from the book of memories. See you.

괜찮아. 괜찮아. 괜찮아. 너 알아? 우리 진짜 못해......근데 난 널 싫어 하지 않아. 넌 꼭 이 말은 알아야 하는데. 음.......이제 니가 날 싫어서 괜찮아. 이제 빠이....

25 ㅡ ♕ Unexpectedly

24 ㅡ ♕ Rather Be

Hello :) finally i can greet everyone with a happy smile. It's time to move on. It's time to do what i love. It's time to start everything with a happy smile. It's time to stop thinking about things that make me sad. It's time to stop crying. It's time to love. It's time to be loved. It's time to not be forgotten. It's time to not be the last. No one knows about what gonna happen for our future, so it's time to start building one little piece of puzzle to the big one piece.....even though it needs so many time to build it into a big one but "It's okay, you have done it" you can clearly say that to yourself. It's okay, you have tried. It's okay, you have done well. It's okay, it's almost over. It's okay, you're strong. It's okay, you're the best. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

That should be Joohee in that place. That should be Joohee who holds his hand. That should be Joohee laughing at his jokes. That should be Joohee who gets all his attention. That should be Joohee who spends every night of her life replying to his messages. That should be Joohee feeling his warm love. That should be Joohee who he thinks of everyday. That should be Joohee. That should be her. This is so wrong. She can't go on.....till he believes that should be her. But there's nothing Joohee can do. "It's okay to be just friends. We don't know about the future cause we still have long long way to go." She can only say this to herself to give her a little hope about him. Joohee can only looking at the sky full of stars and start talking to the moon, trying to get to him. In hopes he's on the other side talking to her too. Thinking about her. Thinking about them. Joohee doesn't know anymore.....what she should and should not do. But one thing that she knows, she should do what she loves. She should love what she does. Things might get complicated but that's okay, she knows she'll end up letting him to be with her. It's okay to be the second one who he thinks about every night...it's okay as long as she's still in his mind even it's just the second choice. Joohee will always be on their side, supporting them with all of her hearts even though it's sad but it's okay, she already used to it. It's nice to see him smiling, even that smile never goes to her. It's nice to see him laugh, even that laugh happened not because of her. It's okay to be hurt like this than like that, like before. It's okay to be like this than like before. It's okay, she'd rather be like this even though he never notice her.

<to be continued>

"keep him in my life, keep him around"

23 ㅡ ♕ Moving Out

Hello! Today sucks. My mood changed like crazy. Even though we didn't really study today cause we had like education fair at school. Yup......there's this thing that i cannot forget. I keep thinking about it over and over again. No regret. No feelings of guilt. No hate. Indeed. But i don't know. There's like a missing piece in my puzzle.

Joohee walked through the hall with Chaerin and Bom, chit chatting about people. They entered the hall and started to look around. There, "야, 나 먼저 간다. 켄이가 왔어" she smiled brightly at us. "어 가~" we smiled back at her, thinking that she was so happy to be with him. "주희야......나도 먼저 간다." Joohee was a bit shocked that she would be left all alone there in a big hall. "다들 왔어서 그래. 날 따라와 그럼." She asked at Joohee. Immediately Joohee shook her head, "아니야, 난 괜찮아." Joohee left. She walked all alone, thinking what's the problem of being alone. Everything was fine. Then, Joohee found Taeyeon and Sangjin, "야!!!!" She rushed to approach them.

Maybe he doesn't know about this because she has her lips locked with password even some people ever tried to unlock it. She doesn't know how to express her feelings, that's her problem. February's diary still locked in her little box named heart. It was summer. It was so hot yet soooooo warm. It was amazing how she could be loved. It was new yet so crazy. She was the ugly duckling who was left behind by all her friends and all she knew was only studying till she die. She was a nerdy and only had one friend. She even never talked to him. Almost never. She was so glad. She was so happy. Everyone loves to be loved, so do her. At the moment she got a message from him, she jumped like a kid. It was spring. The spring season which was so warm hugging her tight. She felt fine with him. But both of them were so quiet to each other. It was autumn when they got the break problem. She wanted to make it right. She wanted both of them to be more mature at first. She wanted to make them better but maybe because of her problem...he accepted it as a demand about him to change. Her problem...her "cannot express her feelings" was a serious problem in that season. Clock ticked, time fly, day by day running like crazy...they already met another February moment. One year close. Both of them felt the click. One week before her best day, she got surprised by him. "난 널 좋아해" he said, he wrote everything on a book about what he felt for all the time. "우리 연애하자!" She smiled, nodding and "응." That was so awkward. It was the best day out of the best best day. She got him, he got her. 행복해. They even had their first hug there at the beach. But things never worked well for them, they kept being childish and at the end....they broke everything. The broken smile people. It was so snowy that time. That was the coldest winter ever for her. She didn't know if she was okay or not. But she just could show everyone her okay side because she seriously had so many things to think about....that time.

And guess what, that winter is never end till now. They meet their end. This is an end for them. For them. End. That winter. This winter. Forever winter.

They run on the different race. They turn at the different direction. They walk on the different path. They have different way to talk to each other. Silence, that's it. They're slowly but sure moving out from each other's heart. They talk in the silence. One here, one there. One away, one here. One there, one away. One sad, both of them sad. Or not :-) One day, one wanted to rebuild the broken smile with a smile. It healed. But one day, someone smiled more beautiful than her then the broken smile back. It deleted the feelings of how it healed before. It went away. It disappeared. Well. It was okay. She way okay with it. As long as she had tried to be good. She felt relieved. No problem. Take everything you want from me. Treat me whatever you want. Make me feel alone like no one is gonna be by my side. Make it happen. Hate me...Tell people all you want. Like you used to be. Good bye. :-(:-)

"나 먼저 간다, 안녕...."

22 ㅡ ♕ 보고싶어.

왜 또? 왜 계속 나 한테 이래? 난 말했잖아....근데 왜. 왜. 왜.

헐 너 진짜 나쁜 놈이야.

뭐? "우리 같이 영화 보러 가자" 어? 왜 너랑 꼭 영화 보러? 난 싫어.....진짜다. 그래서 그만해...그만하라고 너.

우리 아무 사이도 아냐 너 말했다.....예전에.

그만. 부탁할게. 난 진짜 힘들다....제발. 제발...제발 잘해주지 마 가슴이 아프잖아....

난 걸스데이의 새로운 노래를 듣고 있어 하루종일. 진짜 좋아...궁금해 왜 나 진짜 이 노래를 좋아? 그냥....그래.

내 마음이 아프다 근데 난 알아...잘 될거야 모두.

#nowplaying: Girl's Day - 보고싶어 (I Miss You)

두 눈을 감으면 네가 보이는데

넌 웃고 있는데 우리 웃고 있는데

두 눈을 떠보면 난 울고 있는걸

우리 함께였는데

아침에 일어나 tv를 켜고

샤워를 하고 옷을 갈아입고서

나갈 준비를 해

오늘도 어제와 똑같은데

한 가지도 변한 게 없는데

왜 난

문득 울리는 전화길 보다가

나도 몰래 눈물이 흘러내리고

너는 왜 또 이렇게

넌 아무렇지 않게

내 맘을 또 흔들어놔

사실은 너무 보고 싶어

보고 싶어 네가

네 어깨 기대 울고 싶어

울고 싶어 내가

참아보려 애써 웃잖아

아직도 흔들리고 있잖아

제발 잘해 주지 마

더는 내게 잘해 주지 마

잘해주지 마 가슴이 아프잖아

눈에 뛰지 마 자꾸 네가 맴돌잖아

난 의외로 약해

그래서 너밖에 못 그려

그림을 지우다 다시 널 그려

또 너무 달콤해

그래서 미치게 해

또 너무 달콤해

그래서 미치게 해

넌 나를 아프게

그래서 더욱 미치게 해

잘해주지 마

내게 널 보여주지 마

문득 울리는 전화길 보다가

나도 몰래 눈물이 흘러내리고

너는 왜 또 이렇게

넌 아무렇지 않게

내 맘을 또 흔들어놔

사실은 너무 보고 싶어

보고 싶어 네가

네 어깨 기대 울고 싶어

울고 싶어 내가

참아보려 애써 웃잖아

아직도 흔들리고 있잖아

제발 잘해 주지 마

더는 내게 잘해 주지 마

잘해주지 마 가슴이 아프잖아

잘해주지 마

이렇게 내 가슴에서

지우려 하지만

그게 마음처럼

안 되는걸 어떻게

사실은 너무 보고 싶어

보고 싶어 네가

네 어깨 기대 울고 싶어

울고 싶어 내가

참아보려 애써 웃잖아

아직도 흔들리고 있잖아

제발 잘해 주지 마

더는 내게 잘해 주지 마

오늘도 어제와 똑같은데

한 가지도 변한 게 없는데

왜 난

이게 나야....울고 싶어. 아직도 흔들리고 있잖아. 헐....

잘해주지 마 제발! 부탁해....

오늘 난 울었다.  응 참 좋아........난 괜찮아.

21 ㅡ ♕ 왜?

왜 내 앞에 계속 나타났어? 왜? 왜? 왜? 니가 새로운 여자가 있어, 왜 왜 왜 나 한테 이래.......? 하지마 제발 그런거 하지마.....제발...부탁할게....

나 노력해 지금 진짜 노력하겠다....너의 추억을 다 잊었버려고 그래서 하지마! 제발 부탁한다.....

넌 내 마음이 다 알아. 지금 왜 자꾸 날 찾았어? 이건 무슨 대답이야? 그 여자로 만나. 난 니 여자가 아닌데. 난 니 새로운 여자 보다 아무것도 아니야. 그 여자는 진짜 이뻐. 난 아니야.......다 알아 그래서......그만해.

난 널 계속 보면......진짜 힘들다. 난 계속 울어 너 때문에. 널 좋아? 난 이렇게 살아야해...너 진짜 진짜 좋아? 불쌍한 인생이야...니가 내 인생은 이렇게 만든 거 잖아......왜.

그만해....그만...그만하라고!

왜 날 잦아....왜 궁금해.....왜 빵을 준다? 왜. 왜. 왜.

난 이제 진짜 진짜 노력해...너의 추억을 다 다 다 모두 다 잊었버려....

왜 나 한테 그렇게 잘해? 왜 내 일은 알고싶어?

하지마....

힘들다.

하지마.

마음이 아프다. 니가 보고싶다. 근데 괜찮아.....참아야지.

왜....그냥 조용히 가라....

넌 나 한테 왜 이래.....흥......보고싶어...만나고 싶은데....이 느낌이 진짜 싫어. 니가 앞으로 보고 싶을꺼야 근데 괜찮아. 괜찮을 것같다.....참고 있어.

20 ㅡ ♕ 끝.

오늘 나 진짜 진짜 바보. 난 너무 바보.

다들 싫어. 진짜. 난 거짓말 아니야.

내 사랑스러운 진한 진구가 잃어버렸다. 내 사랑하는 남자 바로 항상 넣었어.....도 잃어버렸다. 난 진짜 오늘 웃어도 못해. 그냥 울고 불고. 불쌍한 여자다 난. 오늘 다들 보였다.....난 그러게 불쌍해.

내 사랑스러운 진한 진구 한테 진짜 실망이다........미워? 아니................난 못해. 난 그냥 몰아. 그냥 궁금해...니가 왜 나 한테 이래.....?

그리고 내 사랑하는 남자 한테 진짜 안 만났으면 좋겠다....미워? 그것도 아니데. 난 그냥 슬프다. 왜 나 한테 이래....음...나도 내 마음을 잘 몰아...왜 이렇게 알고 있어...왜 너 한테 빠졌어...

힘들다. 힘들다고.

이게 뭐야...........

울어.

울지마. 할수있어. 잘 될거야.

괜찮아. 괜찮아. 괜찮아. 

지금 내 인생이 너 없다. 너 좋지? 괜찮지? 응 다 알아. 그래서 우리 그렇게 살자. 우리 진구도 못했는데. 그냥 아는 사이도 하지마. 좋지? 어 좋아. 난 좋아. 나.....니 기억을 다 잊었버려고. 시간이 필요해 난 알아. 괜찮아 난 할수있어. 난 남자가 필요하지 않아. 다.....언제나 너 한테 추억이지 그래서 이제 안녕...........

마음이 아프다. 상처를 받았다. 그만해. 우리 그만하자. 

........그 여자 한테 잘해. 

나만 슬프다. 나만 울어. 혼자 있어도 좋아.

괜찮아. 사랑한다 내 소중한 진구. 사랑한다 내 사랑하는 남자. 안녕.......

19 ㅡ ♕ 괜찮아. 괜찮아. 안괜찮아.

안녕! 이게 첫번째 한국 포스트야. 그냥 오늘 너무 힘들어서 그래.....난 울었다. 다들 너무 싫어. 내 마음이 너무 아프다.....ㅠㅠ
멀리 멀리 그 사람은 나를 점점. 난 어쩔수가 없어서...그냥 놓아해야지 난 그 사람.
그 사람은 새로운 여자가 있는데 이제, 그래서 나를 안보니까. 괜찮아 난 괜찮다니까...그냥 슬퍼서 조금.

난 괜찮아.

괜찮아.

오늘도 난 니가 떠 생각했는데
이 자리에 난 아직도 니가 그리워
나도 모르게 왜 항상 널 만나고 싶은데
나도 모르게 왜 항상 널 보고싶은데
난 널  빠져썼나봐
그걸 알아
난 널 사랑했나봐
그걸 떠 알아
이상해 잠 이상해
이 사랑이 맞아?
좋은데 잠 좋은데
왜 나는 설레고 있어?

사랑이야...
괜찮아...

(14년10월11일)

#nowplaying: J Rabbit - 웃으며 넘길래❤
내 좋아하는 노래가...그냥 오늘 밤. 하루종일 이 노래를 듣고 있어. 난 못 잔다 음 헐 힘들어

괜찮을 것같다! 응!!!!!!

18 ㅡ ♕ Octoberish

Hoam! For today let's take it as hi. OCTOBER IS FINALLY HEREEEEEEE wohoo throws confetti everywhere. 3rd day of october good.

#octoberwish is here!

I wish i could be an extrovert *now half half*

I wish i could get through the selection of scholarship for my university.

I wish i could love hate and mad :-) sometimes

I wish i could be loved.

And last,

I wish i could be happy *not like what it seems now but exactly be 행복해 from every piece of me*

Happy all the time without worries which tryna catch me everytime i let myself be someone else.

Heol.

She cannot get mad at you. She cannot get mad at him. She cannot get mad at her. She cannot get mad at them. But she always get mad at herself....Joohee who's not capable of expressing her feelings like a dumbass.

#nowplaying: Akdong Musician - Officially Missing you

Everything may seems fine for everyone around her because the real truth is drowning deep down in her heart without anyone knowing. She doesn't know either. The truth always remain silent. It's hard indeed to be her. Pretending like she's fine all the time though she know she had been left. Pretending to be busy while all she does is just listening to some old songs and 혼자서 울고 있어. Put everyone's problem first before hers. Be there for everyone while no one be there for her when she wants someone to talk to.

Sometimes she just want to stop the tickling clock and rest a while. Stop being anyone else. Stop being strong when honestly her soul doesn't even there to smile. She wants to just smile when she wants to smile and cry hard when she's mad sad and wants a hug. She's weak but she always try to be someone else and act strong. I know her. I know her well. She's just don't want to get people's attention by being like that. She's an introvert who have ever been drown in her darkest night.....with no one to help her outta cage. Now she's trying and still always try to change everything bad in her and be someone who can fit in. Again and again, she knows every little thing counts as a good one...the change. Slowly but sure she believe she can be a better better person.

She believe she's always gonna play hide and seek with him, the one she needs to find. She's an unlucky lover but she can't explain why. She close her eyes and count to ten, so he can run and hide. Even if they never met, she will find his love. She's running and fall in love with him...but she's waiting for him too so come find her. She'd been searching day and night. Thinking about him. Thinking about them. Everyday without him is driving her crazy.....till then they're playing hide and seek.

#nowplaying: Jason Chen feat. Amy and Ellen - Hide and Seek

상처를 받았다. 나 알아...너 한테 우리 추억을 다 잊었버려고 그래서 그만해 이제. 행복하게 잘 살고 있는 것 같다 너. 난 행복해. 넌 행복해. 그냥 그렇게 살아. 좋지? 응 좋아. 괜찮아 잘 될거야 모두 다! 웃고싶다. 울고싶다.....

17 ㅡ ♕ Two Pigeon

Sentuhan lembut bagi buku biru yang lusuh tak berdaya

Halaman-halaman penuh drama cerita kasih kita

Isi kenangan hati dua merpati dalam kotak-kotak permata

Kotak merah dadamu yang kau bawa setiap rabu usangmu

Kotak merah melingkar yang kubawa setiap kamis senduku

Batu bata biru menjadi saksi hati 2 merpati patah hati

Ruangan biru yang dulu menangkap hati kini menjadi pemisah sejati

Meja kursi tarki bertanya curiga kapan akan kembali meletakkan beban hari

Sketsa siput penuh makna kini terbakar hangus abu fana

Lukisan penuh angka di atas lapisan licin bersama tinta hitam menjadi kenangan tak terlupakan

Sang merpati membuka setiap halaman penuh rasa ngeri

Ketakutan bagai tersambar petir memeluk tulang rusukku

Kesedihan yang tiada artinya kembali menghentakkan kakinya di jantungku

Kebodohan yang kini hanya menjadi kebencian pada diri sendiri mulai merenggut perhatian jiwaku

Keindahanmu yang baru kini tersiar di mataku membuatku semakin menyentuh lantai dingin tak berdaya

Tiga keyakinan yang dibuat sang merpati demi perubahan kasih

Tahun demi tahun berlari bagai pelari maraton yang tak pernah bertemu garis akhir

Tak satu pun ingin menjadi beo

Tak satu pun mulai bersuara meski awan milik bersama

Tak satu pun ingin bersama meski merpati lain mengundang 

Merpati kasih terbang bebas menembus awan bersama cendrawasih

Hati yang bukan hati berdarah tersayat namun tak berani tampak

Kesunyian dunia satu-satunya cara berbicara

Senyuman kecil terukir di kanvas hati sang merpati sendiri

Nyanyian lembut menggema sedih......pergilah kasih.

"Bye..."

16 ㅡ ♕ Stairs of Love

Hello! 안녕.....I've been away for days otl now here i am with absurd feelings. So lately i've been listening to old indonesian songs which were so good for me. It has nice melody and the most important thing is nice meaning. Some friends usually singing to old songs like a radio at school and that's why i search for the songs again and take a listen to it!

#nowplaying: A Love Like This

I realized that your love is not true. At last, we should choose cause we cannot go on with a love like this. Go back to her, that's okay. Let me back off so you can live better. I'll take it for myself. 

#nowplaying: Complete

The more i deny you, the more i know how important you are in my life. Honestly, my lips can say "i can" but my heart says, "no". The heartache which i feel inside me is not because of her, but cause you choose the wrong love. My heart keeps saying "no, i cannot survive anymore". I admit that it's all a lie about letting you choose her instead of me. I never ever gonna let you choose her cause i know i'm the only one who can make your heart......complete. 

#nowplaying: The Best For You

Now, I realized everything that it was always my fault all the time. I don't want to regret anything so, "Sorry, if i always make you mad and hate me. I do that all just to make you happy. Maybe i just cannot express my feelings, i just wanna be the best for you.....your best girl."

#nowplaying: Irreplaceable

Even if the time comes and gone by itself until you cannot hold anymore. Everything cannot change me cause i only have you in my heart. You are the one who can makes me fall in love. You're not only beautiful but irreplaceable.

#nowplaying: Language of The Heart

You're the one who i can see the light in your eyes. You have such a big heart. I listen to your language of heart in your smile. It has a nice melody. Now, all i can say is you're always in my heart and i will always be with you through your days. Believe me, it's only me who understands your feelings. Love, trust me it's always me who understands you. Believe in me...

Last word, 
Thanks and maybe good bye? 
I don't know but it hurts me indeed.
I'm not lying. I'm crying.
I maybe seem so fine with everything cause at that moment,
the one inside of me is crying. 
I'm sorry for everything. 
Thanks for everything.


Forget me, not.....
 

Bye.

Have a good day, lovelies♥ 

15 ㅡ ♕ Confession of The Forgettable One

Hi. Different feelings i feel each day:-)  i feel happy and sad also at the same time today:-) ummm like yesterday, yesterday and yesterday. Everything's okay but i'm not sure if i'm okay. I don't think of anything right now honestly but it's just i have something which bothers my mind. Let me just forget everything, turn all the page back from the start, deleting all your fingerprints and of course lemme start writing down something i loved on the first page of my diary. I'm not writing for you......nopeee nooooo not anymore but for some other people, some friends, some dreams..........some wishes and some loves. Sighs. 

#nowplaying: Suzy - Too Much Tears

Joohee opened her diary and started to write something, "It's hard to live with no one to rely on, no one to lift you up when you fall down, you don't have anyone when everyone does. That's why i'm so easy to be forgotten. That's sad. I'm cryin. Though, i have friends around me and i hope we can always understand each other, hug each other when one of us wants a hug without asking why, tap each other's back when one of us wants to cry, never leave each other and stay by each other's side for always. It's easy in words. But life brings us another way to live. You need to live your life all by yourself, all friends around you will soon leave one by one and starts building their own happiness and live happily. You cannot do anything than lifting your hands out and clap for them, hug them. In the end.....you need to heal your own wound, comfort yourself, crying at the corner without no one listening, smiling all alone for someone's happiness and tap your own back, sayin "This is life". I'm afraid. Scared enough. I haven't even ready to let this things happened. But what can i do:-) This is life. This is my life. Soon or later, ready or not.....I have to stand up and smile for myself that i'm confident enough, i'm brave enough and of course proudly say that i'm happy."

<to be continued> 

Heol. So tag tag tag.

What Joohee means in her diary is not only about friends but also about everyone around you. For everyone who leaves deep marks in your life. For everyone you loveeeeeeed.

Out of topic but i curled my hair today and tada here i am, your pathetic girl. I wish i could be pretty enough to let someone see something in me. 

Your so-easy-forgettable girl,

See you guys later, Bye-yeom!♥
Have a good day, lovelies♥ 

14 ㅡ ♕ Eassay.

Heylooooo! how. can. you.....

#nowplaying: Bestie - Thank U Very Much

 

Joohee texted thatxx, "Sometimes you tell girls that you cannot move on and still want her to be yours, but why do you run after another girl right after you realized that both of us cannot be one? Is that so easy.....? it's that easy i think. I spend my days only looking at you and me, as a girl cannot throw away this thing i mean your last name after my name. You always tell everyone that you have that wound from me who hurts you. But, no? it doesn't even hurt you. Life is that easy. Love life is thatttt easy for you. This makes me want to turn everything back and think of what we have done. We had done nothing. We didn't have anything. Maybe we're not meant to be together. I don't know your heart. Seriously, just wondering how can you move on so easy. How can you easily forget about us. How can you easily run after a girl and spread all the news to everyone. Look at you. Please be sincere. Boys always can do whatever they want, while us girls have to seriously work hard for ourselves all alone. Thanks nah." She had done writing all she wanted to tell him and left her phone on the desk and.........sleep. sleep. sleep.

<to be continued>

13 ㅡ ♕ Acoustic Collabo

Hello hey hi! here i am back again. Today i'm gonna share some songs related to my feelings. It's 10pm already and mom already nagged at me. I need to sleep sooooon. 

Wonder. wonder. wondering:-)

So, the genre of my favorite songs had changed into k-indie nowadays. The songs are so lively and super fresh for my feelings. Here i'll recommend my top 2 nice songs from one of my favorite k-indie singersss. 

Acoustic Collabo guise.

First Love's Melody

첫사랑의 일기장

:: This song was the first song i knew from Acoustic Collabo which brought me to get myself into them even more, what a lovely melody and nice voice. 

Afraid To Say I Love You

사랑한다 말할까봐

:: Super sad the melody:-(

12 ㅡ ♕ Sleepless Night

Hi. Making a decision is not as easy as i thought. Sooooo freakin hard. Hmmmm.....but I did it. I made a decision today. Idk if people would see it as a weird thing for a girl to do this kind of thing or not but i just wanted to be friends again. I just wanted us to be comfortable like before. It was not easy indeed. It was harddddd. I started to have a fight, my mind and my heart. Both wanted to win and yes one of them won :-) 

I don't know if this is right or not. I don't know anymore. I'll have some sleepless night forever....i'm sure.

#nowplaying: SHINee - Slepless Night

Joohee....She let herself drown in the feelings of 15years ago as she looked at all her photos with him, she also let her tears fell down. She remembered every single thing about him. He who was sooooo close to her, Yoondo. She suddenly missed everything but nothing would change. She was all by herself, so was he. But decision was made. She kept thinking about what would happen if she stopped by his house and said "Hi.". She kept thinking about all the useless things and started to have a war with herself. But, things got even worse when she decided to leave a short letter in front of his house's door and runaway.....waiting for him at the park. She waited with a sigh every 5mins, she wanted to just say "Hi." and smiled but she couldn't make it so easy. It was like, for the first time in forever again she would meet him. What would we do later after we met? Would it be awkward? Would it be the same as before? or would it be.......hmmm like he don't come because he hates me? 

Until now.........we still don't know about this..........

So.......

<to be continued>

Here we are in this way back home,

How about start it again with us as friends, then start making each other more comfortable when we're together, and love each other at the end?

Can or can't? *shrugs* molla......

 

Yoondo moved away from Seoul to Busan...

 Joohee scared Yoondo did??

 Honestly this always been my fear....fearless? no i'm scared.

 It's too late..

But if i had a chance, i wanted to tell you that....

and i still want to know...now

 

 Curiousity kills every girl.

Stop. Sigh. Sleep. Dream and Wake Up!

See you guys later, Bye-yeom!♥
Have a good day, lovelies♥