100 ㅡ ♕ Kamsahamnida for healing the pain.

Oh Ri Jin: "He hears his name like a ghost again. Because i shouted, 'Cha Do Hyun, come out!' You come out at once."

Cha Do Hyun: "Perhaps, did you remember?"

Oh Ri Jin: "About what?"

Cha Do Hyun: "About the name Cha Do Hyun..."

Oh Ri Jin: "Yes..."

Cha Do Hyun: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for stealing your name against your will."

Oh Ri Jin: "Cha Do Hyun-ssi..."

Cha Do Hyun: "How you, Oh Ri Jin-ssi, call my name i like it a lot."

Oh Ri Jin:

I hope that you don't feel sorry towards me.

It's not perfect yet, but after getting my memories back, there were some painful memories, 

but there are some good memories as well.

In the good memories, there was Mom that saved me from the fire 

and also...there was the young, Mr.Cha that came to find me every night at 10.

For me, who was alone and didn't have one person to rely on, it was dark and cold.

For me, who was abandoned in the basement i fear of, Mr.Cha who came to look for me every night while putting his life on the line, you were my savior and hope. 

And so i was able to go through the pain. 

Thanks to you. 

That's how i was able to endure it. 

As i waited for you. 

The reason why my mind wasn't broken into pieces was probably...because of you, Cha Do Hyun.

I'm sorry...

Because of me...your mind became broken into pieces.

As you struggle with the other personalities every single day, to protect the name Cha Do Hyun, i know how hard you worked, Mr.Cha. 

And so, i'll give it to you as a present. The name, Cha Do Hyun...

If someone asks, "Who are you?"

I would be happy if you could answer, "I'm Cha Do Hyun." Just like how you did in the past.

If i call out "Perry Park", i would be happy if you would get annoyed and say, "No! I am Cha Do Hyun!"

Also...the person with this gaze and this face...i hope that his name is...Cha Do Hyun.

Oh Ri Jin: "Who...are you? Yo Na?"

Cha Do Hyun: "I am Cha Do Hyun."

Oh Ri Jin: "Sounds good...that name."

Cha Do Hyun:

Now that i think of it, for as long as i have lived, the words i have heard the most and spoken the most are Cha Do Hyun, the name.

That's why, you and i, although we parted in our childhood, i feel like our connection was never severed, and has always been connected under the name, "Cha Do Hyun."

I thought it would be painful for you if you were by my side. 

And i thought the me who would be seeing that, would feel much more pain. 

So i sent you away, but...i realized that you not being by my side was more painful. 

So, that's why i'm saying this...don't go. Stay with me.

kill me heal me, 18.

91 ㅡ ♕ What does he mean to you.

Oh Ri Jin: "What does first love mean to a man?"

Oh Ri On:

It's a "thank you" if it folds up at once. 

If it opens up again, then it's lingering attachment.

If it opens up twice, it's sadness.

If it opens up again and again, it's pain.

And after opening up over and over again until it becomes ragged, that's how his heart ripped apart.

And they endure that ripping until it doesn't hurt.

난 행복했어

너는 어땠을까?

88 ㅡ ♕ Mata Sembab Tanpa Sebab

Detik demi detik berdenting bagai dentingan piano yang lembut namun menggebu-gebu. Tanpa kau sadari, lembaran kertas tak selalu putih. Jam demi jam berlalu bagai kelinci yang cepat meninggalkan kura-kura di belakang. Tanpa sepengetahuan mu, kura-kura telah sampai di garis finish. Waktu demi waktu melangkah jauh darimu. Tanpa kau percaya bahwa waktu dapat menentukan akhir, semuanya hampir berhenti.

Seseorang berkata hari ini, "Jangan membuat kesimpulan sendiri." Bukan aku. Bukan aku yang membuat kutipan itu. Seseorang yang peduli menyampaikan, Lee Chaerin. Seseorang yang menyemangati. Seseorang yang tak mau ada kesakitan terjadi pada orang lain. Ia peduli.

Tak apa. Masuk ke kamarmu. Kunci pintunya. Dan tidurlah...kau mungkin lelah hari ini. Lelah meneteskan air mata tanpa alasan. Mata sembab tanpa sebab. Bodohnya dirimu. Tapi, apa boleh buat. Semua ternyata karena manusia punya hati. Begitu juga denganmu. Kau punya hati yang sedih. Kau punya hati yang menangis. Kau punya hati yang terluka. Kau manusia bodoh. Tetesan air mata penuh arti menetes satu per satu, tak deras namun melaju lurus melewati jalan berliku dalam hati

Kenangan masa lalu dapat menghantui jiwa. Kejadian masa lalu dapat mengingatkan hari akan waktu yang lelah berlari. Orang-orang masa lalu dapat membuat hati goyah. Kau hanya bisa menatap layar kaca kecilmu dengan perasaan gundah. Apa yang kau takutkan? tak akan terjadi apapun, kata orang itu. Apa yang kau tangisi? tak akan terjadi apapun, kata orang-orang itu. Apa yang kau pikirkan? tak usah dipikirkan, kata orang-orang dan orang itu. Kau terlalu banyak pikiran. Kau terlalu berpikir jauh. Benarkah? Aku tau, kau takut menatap hari esok. Tunggu dulu, bukannya selalu seperti ini? Memang tak pernah ada kabar. Memang tak pernah bercakap. Memang tak pernah tertawa bersama. Memang tak pernah dekat. so close yet so far....as always. Sudahlah. Jangan kau pikirkan. Sudahlah. Keluarkan semua. Sudahlah. Tangisan berhenti. Tidurlah. Tidur yang nyaman malam ini. Kau harus yakin bahwa someday you can be loved by someone...someday. Good night, Love!

*****************

Oh Ri On: "Get up! How long are you going to stay holed up in the corner of your room?"

Oh Ri Jin: "Just please leave me alone..."

Oh Ri On: "How long do i have to leave you alone? Until you die?!"

Oh Ri Jin: "I beg you to let me go!"

Oh Ri On:

If you're the one hurting, is that it?

Then what about us?

What do i say to Mom who cooks all day for you? 

"She said she'll have a hard time by herself. Act like you don't know." Should i say that?

What should i say to our Father who sobs in secret because his heart is so torn up because of you?
"She said she'll be in pain by herself. Ignore her." Should i say that?

Why do you have to make it that we can't help you? Why?!

Who do you think you are?!

I understand. You work this out yourself.

I don't like a sister who just cries. I like a vigorous sister.

If you're not going to be one, then you're not my sister.

Oh Ri Jin: "Don't be like this...I rely on you so much. I became so strong because of you. I'm not scared of anything when i think of the fact that you've got my back. I was wrong. I won't be like that. So...don't say that you won't be my brother. Ever since i was young, those were the words i was most afraid of."

Oh Ri On: "Are you going to eat then?"

Oh Ri Jin: "Yes..."

Oh Ri On: "Are you going to say that you're hurt when you're hurting?"

Oh Ri Jin: "Yes..."

Oh Ri On: "Are you going to say that you're tired when you're tired?"

Oh Ri Jin: "Yes..."

Oh Ri On: "Then after eating, are you going to take Ri Na out for a walk with me?"

Oh Ri Jin: "Yes..."

Oh Ri On: "That's enough. Follow me then."

*****************

Oh Ri Jin: "Hey, Brother."

Oh Ri On: "Why, Sister?"

Oh Ri Jin: "You know that i'm really thankful to you, right?"

Oh Ri On: "I'm not so sure."

Oh Ri Jin: "The love that you were supposed to receive alone from our parents, thanks for sharing it with me.  Thankyou for becoming my family. And thanks for being a reliable brother."

Oh Ri On: "Hey, give me the planer (for smoothing wood). I need it to push the goosebumps out of me."

Oh Ri Jin: "I love you a lot, Oh Ri On. You know that, right?"

Oh Ri On: "Yeah...thanks for loving me."

*****************

83 ㅡ ♕ Satu-satunya...

When I try to write a poem,

I can only write your name

"Oh, ternyata kau dengannya? Aku mendukungmu."

"Aku sangat mendukungmu."

"Berjuang ya...sedikit lagi." 

"Senang sekali apabila kau jadi dengannya, kita bisa duduk-duduk bersama." 

"Apalagi you're a good drinker."

"Kemarin aku melihat kau sangat menjaganya, ia pun merasakan hal itu."

It might hurt and be hard

But I promise to protect you

Youngyi mengirimkannya sebuah pesan dalam gambar yang memang sudah biasa dikirimkannya. Biasanya, ia hanya mendapat balasan satu atau dua kata saja. Mungkin ia sedang sibuk dengan teman-temannya. Tak apa. Aku mengerti. Kalimat tersebut telah menjadi lagu sehari-hari yang Youngyi dengar. Namun, hari ini sedikit berbeda. 

"Kau disana? Apa yang kau lakukan disana?" Pertanyaan yang cukup panjang.

"Kau tak ikut gunting rambut bersama unnie-mu?" Cukup aneh.

"Itu pasti milik appa-mu kan?" Tak seperti biasanya. 

Hari ini ia banyak bertanya. 

When I look into your eyes, my trembling heart flutters

When I look at you, I feel like the world has stopped

Senyuman Youngyi menghiasi wajahnya yang tak selalu tersenyum itu dan hari ini, ia banyak tertawa. Terima kasih pada sahabat, Bom dan Chaerin. Begitu banyak hal yang dapat ia tertawakan hari ini, termasuk hati kecilnya ikut bahagia bersama. Tak boleh, memang tak boleh bahagia sekarang. Tetapi, tak apa mensyukuri apa yang terjadi dan tersenyum menyikapinya bukan? Tak boleh, memang tak boleh berharap kembali. Tetapi, tak apa membayangkannya ia ada bersama cinta bukan? 

Just like how winter passes and spring comes

I believe you will come to me as well

***************************************

Oh Ri Jin: "Then...what is your name? What is...your name?"

Cha Do Hyun: "I, the one with this face and this gaze, am Cha Do Hyun."

***************************************

Oh Ri Jin:

Are you watching, Cha Do Hyun?
Are you listening, Cha Do Hyun?
You were going to eat medicine again, weren't you?
You're caught red-handed. Don't even think about lying.
The fact that you're watching this video right now means that you're having a hard time again 

and is about to rely on medicine.
I'm not saying that medicine is bad.
You said so yourself.
Whatever it is, you want to overcome it with me.
That you wanted to erase the bad memories with good memories with me.
So what is my point?
I'm saying, today let's go ride the snowflake train and make a lot of good memories.
So that you can get rid of all the medicine in your drawer,

and completely fill it with good memories instead.
Are you ready? I'm ready!

Ah, and i have something to confess.
Uh...me not being able to confess to you all that time 

was because i was being conscious of my duty as a doctor and professional.
Don't be surprised by this either!

Cha Do Hyun: I won't...

Oh Ri Jin:

Don't!

I like you.
I...
really...
like you a lot, Cha Do Hyun.

My one and only person

My treasure-like person who is like a dream

My first person who blossoms like a flower

Just looking at you makes me tear

Cigarettes. Smoke. Wine. Beer. 

I'm not saying those are bad medicine for your life. 

You're always lying to me. 

I know...

You did say that you want to stop.

But, you never say that you want to overcome it with me. 

You never say that you want to erase the bad memories with good memories with me.

So what is my point? 

Whatever it is, i have something to confess...

Uh...me not being able to confess to you all that time 

was because i was being happy in my comfort zone, seeing your smile from a far.
Don't be surprised by this either!

I'm attracted.

I only have you
I’ll be okay if only I have you
My first person, the only one in my life
Just looking at you makes me tear




kill me heal me, 17.

K.Will – The ONLY PERSON (하나뿐인 사람) - PINOCCHIO OST

78 ㅡ ♕ If you confident enough...

Cha Do Hyun: "오리진씨..."

Cha Do Hyun: "Oh Ri Jin-ssi..."

Oh Ri Jin: "알아요. 무슨 말하는지. 신군에게 있구 차군에게 없는 기억이 돌아온고조? 그 기억속에 혹시 내가 있어요? 떠올리면 기분이 좋아지는 그런 기억이 아니에요? 그래서 내가 옆에 있는게 많이 힘들어요? 그래서 지금 이별 하려는거에요?

Oh Ri Jin: "I know. I know what you're going to say. The memories that Mr. Shin has that you don't have have come back to you, haven't they? Am i possibly in those memories? Are they memories that won't make me feel good if i remember them? So...is that why me being by your side is really hard for you? So... are you planning to say good bye now?"

Cha Do Hyun: "오리진씨...그동안 고마웠습니다. 회장님과 어머니께서 내 병 알게됐슴니다. 가족에게 비밀로 할 필요가 없게 되었습니다. 내가 앞으로 할일이 있어서 오리진씨는 필요하지 않습니다. 그동안 수고하셨습니다."

Cha Do Hyun: "Oh Ri Jin-ssi...I was thankful all that time. The Chairwoman and my mother found out about my ilness. I don't need to keep it as a secret from my family anymore. I have things i have to do in the future. So...Oh Ri Jin-ssi, I don't need you. 

Oh Ri Jin: "알았어요. 대신 먼저 가요. 내 앞에서 뒷모습을 자신 있으면 먼저 가라고."

Oh Ri Jin: "I got it. Instead, you leave first. If you have the confidence to show your back to me...then leave first..."

Secretary: "잘 보내주구 오셨슴니까?"

Secretary Ahn: "Did you send her off well?"

Cha Do Hyun: "뒷모습을 자신 있으면 가라길래...멋지게 갔습니다. "

Cha Do Hyun: "She told me to turn away if i had the confidence to show her my back, so i coolly turned away."

Secretary: "쑬을 마셨슴니까?"

Secretary Ahn: "Did you drink?"

Cha Do Hyun: "네"

Cha Do Hyun: "Yes."

Secretary: "취한 슴니까?"

Secretary Ahn: "Are you drunk?"

Cha Do Hyun: "아니요. 취하고싶은데. 미치게 취하고싶은데. 말이 끝까지 취에서 세기든 페리박이든 나와서 시간을 한달 일연 패주시면 좋겠습니다. 나~하~ 이것들 안 도와주기."

Cha Do Hyun: "No...I want to get drunk. I want to get crazily drunk. I want to get drunk up until the last drop, so that Segi or Perry Park would come out and take away a month or a year of my time away. Ah ha~ These guys, they're not helping at a time like this."

kill me heal me - 16

I write the hangul all by myself. Sorry if there's misspelling. I'm not an expert hangul translator kekeke.

77 ㅡ ♕ right to be loved.

Oh Ri On: "Please do me a favor. Cha Do Hyun, please let go of Ri Jin. The only one who can stop Ri Jin is you, Cha Do Hyun."

Cha Do Hyun: "Then...can you also do me a favor? Before i send away Oh Ri Jin, please give me just one day. Now that i think about it, i only received things. I didn't give her anything. Because of me, she was always anxious, waiting and crying. I never saw her smile brightly. One day, only one day, i want to spend it solely on Ri Jin. I want to make her smile brightly. Because Oh Ri Jin..."

Because Oh Ri Jin...

Come into my castle that has always been desolate and cold, she was the first person to enter it.

She was the first person to held out her hand.

She was the person who noticed that our eyes were different with one glance.

She was the person who asked for my name.

She was the person who waited anxiously for me to come back.

She was the person who gave me the warmest snowman in the world.

She was the person who said to me words that were more consoling than a 1000 words.

She was the person who could make me happy just by looking at her.

And, She was the person who i can't make it up to even if i atone it for the rest of my life.

One day in the far future, when time has passed a lot and Oh Ri Jin is forgetting me, when she doesn't feel anything even if she thought of me, and if Oh Ri Jin happens to be pained from her past, tell her this....

"It's not because you did something wrong or because you didn't have the right to be loved, that you were abused. You definitely have the right to be loved. That you shine so brightly and so lovely that it's only right for you to be loved. So to forget about it, so live while being loved from now on." 

kill me heal me - 16.

72 ㅡ ♕ hold help love.

"날 잡아줘
날 구해줘
날 사랑해줘...."

"Hold me
Help me
Love me....."

Sometimes we have memories which is a pain for us and all we wanna do is burry it deep deep deep down in our heart. Don't wanna remember it. But i know....the thing to solve this problem of us is to have at least one person to talk to, someone to share the pain with, someone to cry together, and someone to encourage us; each other. 

Rather than, "Please leave me alone!"
It would be nice to say, "Please stay with me!"

Rather than, "Please kill me!"
It would be nice to say, "Please heal me!"

Rather than, "Please stay away from me!"
It would be nice to say, "Please love me!"

Sometimes our pain killer is someone who's so close to us, know us well. Sometimes our healer is someone who's willing to share the pain together. Sometimes, just sometimes.....just by looking at someone's laugh, smile with them, laugh together and be happy is the best thing to heal all the pain. Let it out. Cry if you wanna cry. Shout if you wanna shout. Just....let it all out.

"Hold me. Help me. Love me...." is a nice word to say.

#nowplaying: Hallucinations (Kill Me Heal Me OST)