25 ㅡ ♕ Unexpectedly

24 ㅡ ♕ Rather Be

Hello :) finally i can greet everyone with a happy smile. It's time to move on. It's time to do what i love. It's time to start everything with a happy smile. It's time to stop thinking about things that make me sad. It's time to stop crying. It's time to love. It's time to be loved. It's time to not be forgotten. It's time to not be the last. No one knows about what gonna happen for our future, so it's time to start building one little piece of puzzle to the big one piece.....even though it needs so many time to build it into a big one but "It's okay, you have done it" you can clearly say that to yourself. It's okay, you have tried. It's okay, you have done well. It's okay, it's almost over. It's okay, you're strong. It's okay, you're the best. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

That should be Joohee in that place. That should be Joohee who holds his hand. That should be Joohee laughing at his jokes. That should be Joohee who gets all his attention. That should be Joohee who spends every night of her life replying to his messages. That should be Joohee feeling his warm love. That should be Joohee who he thinks of everyday. That should be Joohee. That should be her. This is so wrong. She can't go on.....till he believes that should be her. But there's nothing Joohee can do. "It's okay to be just friends. We don't know about the future cause we still have long long way to go." She can only say this to herself to give her a little hope about him. Joohee can only looking at the sky full of stars and start talking to the moon, trying to get to him. In hopes he's on the other side talking to her too. Thinking about her. Thinking about them. Joohee doesn't know anymore.....what she should and should not do. But one thing that she knows, she should do what she loves. She should love what she does. Things might get complicated but that's okay, she knows she'll end up letting him to be with her. It's okay to be the second one who he thinks about every night...it's okay as long as she's still in his mind even it's just the second choice. Joohee will always be on their side, supporting them with all of her hearts even though it's sad but it's okay, she already used to it. It's nice to see him smiling, even that smile never goes to her. It's nice to see him laugh, even that laugh happened not because of her. It's okay to be hurt like this than like that, like before. It's okay to be like this than like before. It's okay, she'd rather be like this even though he never notice her.

<to be continued>

"keep him in my life, keep him around"

23 ㅡ ♕ Moving Out

Hello! Today sucks. My mood changed like crazy. Even though we didn't really study today cause we had like education fair at school. Yup......there's this thing that i cannot forget. I keep thinking about it over and over again. No regret. No feelings of guilt. No hate. Indeed. But i don't know. There's like a missing piece in my puzzle.

Joohee walked through the hall with Chaerin and Bom, chit chatting about people. They entered the hall and started to look around. There, "야, 나 먼저 간다. 켄이가 왔어" she smiled brightly at us. "어 가~" we smiled back at her, thinking that she was so happy to be with him. "주희야......나도 먼저 간다." Joohee was a bit shocked that she would be left all alone there in a big hall. "다들 왔어서 그래. 날 따라와 그럼." She asked at Joohee. Immediately Joohee shook her head, "아니야, 난 괜찮아." Joohee left. She walked all alone, thinking what's the problem of being alone. Everything was fine. Then, Joohee found Taeyeon and Sangjin, "야!!!!" She rushed to approach them.

Maybe he doesn't know about this because she has her lips locked with password even some people ever tried to unlock it. She doesn't know how to express her feelings, that's her problem. February's diary still locked in her little box named heart. It was summer. It was so hot yet soooooo warm. It was amazing how she could be loved. It was new yet so crazy. She was the ugly duckling who was left behind by all her friends and all she knew was only studying till she die. She was a nerdy and only had one friend. She even never talked to him. Almost never. She was so glad. She was so happy. Everyone loves to be loved, so do her. At the moment she got a message from him, she jumped like a kid. It was spring. The spring season which was so warm hugging her tight. She felt fine with him. But both of them were so quiet to each other. It was autumn when they got the break problem. She wanted to make it right. She wanted both of them to be more mature at first. She wanted to make them better but maybe because of her problem...he accepted it as a demand about him to change. Her problem...her "cannot express her feelings" was a serious problem in that season. Clock ticked, time fly, day by day running like crazy...they already met another February moment. One year close. Both of them felt the click. One week before her best day, she got surprised by him. "난 널 좋아해" he said, he wrote everything on a book about what he felt for all the time. "우리 연애하자!" She smiled, nodding and "응." That was so awkward. It was the best day out of the best best day. She got him, he got her. 행복해. They even had their first hug there at the beach. But things never worked well for them, they kept being childish and at the end....they broke everything. The broken smile people. It was so snowy that time. That was the coldest winter ever for her. She didn't know if she was okay or not. But she just could show everyone her okay side because she seriously had so many things to think about....that time.

And guess what, that winter is never end till now. They meet their end. This is an end for them. For them. End. That winter. This winter. Forever winter.

They run on the different race. They turn at the different direction. They walk on the different path. They have different way to talk to each other. Silence, that's it. They're slowly but sure moving out from each other's heart. They talk in the silence. One here, one there. One away, one here. One there, one away. One sad, both of them sad. Or not :-) One day, one wanted to rebuild the broken smile with a smile. It healed. But one day, someone smiled more beautiful than her then the broken smile back. It deleted the feelings of how it healed before. It went away. It disappeared. Well. It was okay. She way okay with it. As long as she had tried to be good. She felt relieved. No problem. Take everything you want from me. Treat me whatever you want. Make me feel alone like no one is gonna be by my side. Make it happen. Hate me...Tell people all you want. Like you used to be. Good bye. :-(:-)

"나 먼저 간다, 안녕...."

22 ㅡ ♕ 보고싶어.

왜 또? 왜 계속 나 한테 이래? 난 말했잖아....근데 왜. 왜. 왜.

헐 너 진짜 나쁜 놈이야.

뭐? "우리 같이 영화 보러 가자" 어? 왜 너랑 꼭 영화 보러? 난 싫어.....진짜다. 그래서 그만해...그만하라고 너.

우리 아무 사이도 아냐 너 말했다.....예전에.

그만. 부탁할게. 난 진짜 힘들다....제발. 제발...제발 잘해주지 마 가슴이 아프잖아....

난 걸스데이의 새로운 노래를 듣고 있어 하루종일. 진짜 좋아...궁금해 왜 나 진짜 이 노래를 좋아? 그냥....그래.

내 마음이 아프다 근데 난 알아...잘 될거야 모두.

#nowplaying: Girl's Day - 보고싶어 (I Miss You)

두 눈을 감으면 네가 보이는데

넌 웃고 있는데 우리 웃고 있는데

두 눈을 떠보면 난 울고 있는걸

우리 함께였는데

아침에 일어나 tv를 켜고

샤워를 하고 옷을 갈아입고서

나갈 준비를 해

오늘도 어제와 똑같은데

한 가지도 변한 게 없는데

왜 난

문득 울리는 전화길 보다가

나도 몰래 눈물이 흘러내리고

너는 왜 또 이렇게

넌 아무렇지 않게

내 맘을 또 흔들어놔

사실은 너무 보고 싶어

보고 싶어 네가

네 어깨 기대 울고 싶어

울고 싶어 내가

참아보려 애써 웃잖아

아직도 흔들리고 있잖아

제발 잘해 주지 마

더는 내게 잘해 주지 마

잘해주지 마 가슴이 아프잖아

눈에 뛰지 마 자꾸 네가 맴돌잖아

난 의외로 약해

그래서 너밖에 못 그려

그림을 지우다 다시 널 그려

또 너무 달콤해

그래서 미치게 해

또 너무 달콤해

그래서 미치게 해

넌 나를 아프게

그래서 더욱 미치게 해

잘해주지 마

내게 널 보여주지 마

문득 울리는 전화길 보다가

나도 몰래 눈물이 흘러내리고

너는 왜 또 이렇게

넌 아무렇지 않게

내 맘을 또 흔들어놔

사실은 너무 보고 싶어

보고 싶어 네가

네 어깨 기대 울고 싶어

울고 싶어 내가

참아보려 애써 웃잖아

아직도 흔들리고 있잖아

제발 잘해 주지 마

더는 내게 잘해 주지 마

잘해주지 마 가슴이 아프잖아

잘해주지 마

이렇게 내 가슴에서

지우려 하지만

그게 마음처럼

안 되는걸 어떻게

사실은 너무 보고 싶어

보고 싶어 네가

네 어깨 기대 울고 싶어

울고 싶어 내가

참아보려 애써 웃잖아

아직도 흔들리고 있잖아

제발 잘해 주지 마

더는 내게 잘해 주지 마

오늘도 어제와 똑같은데

한 가지도 변한 게 없는데

왜 난

이게 나야....울고 싶어. 아직도 흔들리고 있잖아. 헐....

잘해주지 마 제발! 부탁해....

오늘 난 울었다.  응 참 좋아........난 괜찮아.

21 ㅡ ♕ 왜?

왜 내 앞에 계속 나타났어? 왜? 왜? 왜? 니가 새로운 여자가 있어, 왜 왜 왜 나 한테 이래.......? 하지마 제발 그런거 하지마.....제발...부탁할게....

나 노력해 지금 진짜 노력하겠다....너의 추억을 다 잊었버려고 그래서 하지마! 제발 부탁한다.....

넌 내 마음이 다 알아. 지금 왜 자꾸 날 찾았어? 이건 무슨 대답이야? 그 여자로 만나. 난 니 여자가 아닌데. 난 니 새로운 여자 보다 아무것도 아니야. 그 여자는 진짜 이뻐. 난 아니야.......다 알아 그래서......그만해.

난 널 계속 보면......진짜 힘들다. 난 계속 울어 너 때문에. 널 좋아? 난 이렇게 살아야해...너 진짜 진짜 좋아? 불쌍한 인생이야...니가 내 인생은 이렇게 만든 거 잖아......왜.

그만해....그만...그만하라고!

왜 날 잦아....왜 궁금해.....왜 빵을 준다? 왜. 왜. 왜.

난 이제 진짜 진짜 노력해...너의 추억을 다 다 다 모두 다 잊었버려....

왜 나 한테 그렇게 잘해? 왜 내 일은 알고싶어?

하지마....

힘들다.

하지마.

마음이 아프다. 니가 보고싶다. 근데 괜찮아.....참아야지.

왜....그냥 조용히 가라....

넌 나 한테 왜 이래.....흥......보고싶어...만나고 싶은데....이 느낌이 진짜 싫어. 니가 앞으로 보고 싶을꺼야 근데 괜찮아. 괜찮을 것같다.....참고 있어.

20 ㅡ ♕ 끝.

오늘 나 진짜 진짜 바보. 난 너무 바보.

다들 싫어. 진짜. 난 거짓말 아니야.

내 사랑스러운 진한 진구가 잃어버렸다. 내 사랑하는 남자 바로 항상 넣었어.....도 잃어버렸다. 난 진짜 오늘 웃어도 못해. 그냥 울고 불고. 불쌍한 여자다 난. 오늘 다들 보였다.....난 그러게 불쌍해.

내 사랑스러운 진한 진구 한테 진짜 실망이다........미워? 아니................난 못해. 난 그냥 몰아. 그냥 궁금해...니가 왜 나 한테 이래.....?

그리고 내 사랑하는 남자 한테 진짜 안 만났으면 좋겠다....미워? 그것도 아니데. 난 그냥 슬프다. 왜 나 한테 이래....음...나도 내 마음을 잘 몰아...왜 이렇게 알고 있어...왜 너 한테 빠졌어...

힘들다. 힘들다고.

이게 뭐야...........

울어.

울지마. 할수있어. 잘 될거야.

괜찮아. 괜찮아. 괜찮아. 

지금 내 인생이 너 없다. 너 좋지? 괜찮지? 응 다 알아. 그래서 우리 그렇게 살자. 우리 진구도 못했는데. 그냥 아는 사이도 하지마. 좋지? 어 좋아. 난 좋아. 나.....니 기억을 다 잊었버려고. 시간이 필요해 난 알아. 괜찮아 난 할수있어. 난 남자가 필요하지 않아. 다.....언제나 너 한테 추억이지 그래서 이제 안녕...........

마음이 아프다. 상처를 받았다. 그만해. 우리 그만하자. 

........그 여자 한테 잘해. 

나만 슬프다. 나만 울어. 혼자 있어도 좋아.

괜찮아. 사랑한다 내 소중한 진구. 사랑한다 내 사랑하는 남자. 안녕.......

19 ㅡ ♕ 괜찮아. 괜찮아. 안괜찮아.

안녕! 이게 첫번째 한국 포스트야. 그냥 오늘 너무 힘들어서 그래.....난 울었다. 다들 너무 싫어. 내 마음이 너무 아프다.....ㅠㅠ
멀리 멀리 그 사람은 나를 점점. 난 어쩔수가 없어서...그냥 놓아해야지 난 그 사람.
그 사람은 새로운 여자가 있는데 이제, 그래서 나를 안보니까. 괜찮아 난 괜찮다니까...그냥 슬퍼서 조금.

난 괜찮아.

괜찮아.

오늘도 난 니가 떠 생각했는데
이 자리에 난 아직도 니가 그리워
나도 모르게 왜 항상 널 만나고 싶은데
나도 모르게 왜 항상 널 보고싶은데
난 널  빠져썼나봐
그걸 알아
난 널 사랑했나봐
그걸 떠 알아
이상해 잠 이상해
이 사랑이 맞아?
좋은데 잠 좋은데
왜 나는 설레고 있어?

사랑이야...
괜찮아...

(14년10월11일)

#nowplaying: J Rabbit - 웃으며 넘길래❤
내 좋아하는 노래가...그냥 오늘 밤. 하루종일 이 노래를 듣고 있어. 난 못 잔다 음 헐 힘들어

괜찮을 것같다! 응!!!!!!

18 ㅡ ♕ Octoberish

Hoam! For today let's take it as hi. OCTOBER IS FINALLY HEREEEEEEE wohoo throws confetti everywhere. 3rd day of october good.

#octoberwish is here!

I wish i could be an extrovert *now half half*

I wish i could get through the selection of scholarship for my university.

I wish i could love hate and mad :-) sometimes

I wish i could be loved.

And last,

I wish i could be happy *not like what it seems now but exactly be 행복해 from every piece of me*

Happy all the time without worries which tryna catch me everytime i let myself be someone else.

Heol.

She cannot get mad at you. She cannot get mad at him. She cannot get mad at her. She cannot get mad at them. But she always get mad at herself....Joohee who's not capable of expressing her feelings like a dumbass.

#nowplaying: Akdong Musician - Officially Missing you

Everything may seems fine for everyone around her because the real truth is drowning deep down in her heart without anyone knowing. She doesn't know either. The truth always remain silent. It's hard indeed to be her. Pretending like she's fine all the time though she know she had been left. Pretending to be busy while all she does is just listening to some old songs and 혼자서 울고 있어. Put everyone's problem first before hers. Be there for everyone while no one be there for her when she wants someone to talk to.

Sometimes she just want to stop the tickling clock and rest a while. Stop being anyone else. Stop being strong when honestly her soul doesn't even there to smile. She wants to just smile when she wants to smile and cry hard when she's mad sad and wants a hug. She's weak but she always try to be someone else and act strong. I know her. I know her well. She's just don't want to get people's attention by being like that. She's an introvert who have ever been drown in her darkest night.....with no one to help her outta cage. Now she's trying and still always try to change everything bad in her and be someone who can fit in. Again and again, she knows every little thing counts as a good one...the change. Slowly but sure she believe she can be a better better person.

She believe she's always gonna play hide and seek with him, the one she needs to find. She's an unlucky lover but she can't explain why. She close her eyes and count to ten, so he can run and hide. Even if they never met, she will find his love. She's running and fall in love with him...but she's waiting for him too so come find her. She'd been searching day and night. Thinking about him. Thinking about them. Everyday without him is driving her crazy.....till then they're playing hide and seek.

#nowplaying: Jason Chen feat. Amy and Ellen - Hide and Seek

상처를 받았다. 나 알아...너 한테 우리 추억을 다 잊었버려고 그래서 그만해 이제. 행복하게 잘 살고 있는 것 같다 너. 난 행복해. 넌 행복해. 그냥 그렇게 살아. 좋지? 응 좋아. 괜찮아 잘 될거야 모두 다! 웃고싶다. 울고싶다.....