239 ㅡ ♕ It gets more lonely...

It gets a little more lonely when you are surrounded by lots of people, but you don't have anything to say because you exactly have nothing to brag about, and they don't curious about what you were doing all day long because you are just nothing.

238 ㅡ ♕ Am I alone in this crowded street?

Can't you stop for a bit for me?

It's too hard to walk any longer

The wind blows and it's still

Is there no place for me in this big world?

Am I alone in this crowded street?

Is there no empty seat for me?

So far away...

237 ㅡ ♕ Tonight is another sleepless night.

I get more and more scared

I'm running but my feet and heart forget why

Dreams just become baggage now

My only hope is to just leave it behind and run

Rushing myself to take just one more step

But when I looked up, I'm right in front of a cliff

I look back and all these expectations are lined up behind me

It pretends to support me but it's pushing my back

I wanted to place a comma in my heart sometimes

But now it's mixed up with all these numbers

The calculating world holds out its hand

I don't want to hold it but I'm even more scared of being empty-handed

I can hold it but would time really be the only thing that goes away?

As I look at the cloudy sky

I thought, I used to have dreams at one point

Tonight is another sleepless night

236 ㅡ ♕ I'm a supporting cast in my own story.

How does it feel to be the center of everyone's attention?

How does it feel to be able to do everything you want and everyone's supporting?

You are the main character while I'm just a supporting cast in my own story.

They never wonder about what I'm doing, they only worry about what you are thinking.

They asked only because manners, so that they looked like they're worrying.

How does it feel to be able to voice out your thoughts and everyone's listening?

How does it feel to live a life everyone thinking is great?

Living is hard, I'm trying to hold on to myself so I don't break into pieces.

Voicing everything is hard because I have nothing to brag about.

Sometimes, I want to stop being me who doesn't get a chance to live a proper life.

Somewhere, I want to get lost and stop worrying about life.

Someday, I won't look back and see myself crying.

235 ㅡ ♕ I'm an amateur defender.

Come to think of it, I've never been a striker in my life. I've always defended myself, and stepped back at the right timing. I have neither the courage to take the ball nor the ability to avoid it. I'm an amateur defender. — 윤지호

234 ㅡ ♕ I was a snail chasing after dreams.

In a world of competition, my friends threw themselves for a line on their resume. In between them, I was a snail chasing after dreams. — 윤지호

233 ㅡ ♕ The standards of the world is becoming like Everest

Nothing has changed

I’m alone in this playground

I got on top of the high bars

But, I’ve been on my tip toes all my life

What’s always been asked of me

Is to reach a bit higher than I’m able to

The standards of the world is becoming like Everest

The more I go towards the top, stress builds up like a mountain

I know I can never rest

No sleeping pills to put my anxieties to sleep

So I’m biting down on my tongue and staying up all night

Since I was young

I was taught to stay in line

Now I know why

Complicated relationships, it’s a paradox

Only relationships exist and there’s no room for humans

Afraid of becoming ordinary, I dreamed a dream

But now, I’m jealous of the ordinary

As I stand all alone in the rain

If you don’t grow, growing pains is just pain

232 ㅡ ♕ 세상이 참 잔인하다... 너무 힘들게 살아...

난 ... 너 오늘 봤어 ... 봤었는데 그냥 내 자리에서 있었어 ... 

왜냐하면 넌 날 잊어 버렸네 ...

난 ... 널 잊어 보릴수 없었다 아직까지 ... 

난 ... 누구랑 얘기 하고싶어 ... 얘기하고 싶었는데 아무도 없어서 말못해 ... 

아무도 듣고싶어 내 재미없는 얘기 ...

난 ... 아무것도 없어서 그래 ... 내 옆에 아무도 없어

근데 난 괜찮아 ... 익숙해 졌어

근데 난 울지도 않아 ... 아프지 않아

근데 난 솔직히 말하면 아무도 없어 ... 

거짓말 했어도 아무도 오는거야...

그래서 괜찮아 ... 괜찮아질거야 ...

그래서 좋은 일있을거야 ...

그래서 좋은 사람이 될수있어 ...

그래서 행복 할수있어 ...

난 ... 그냥 행복 해지고싶어.

231 ㅡ ♕ Home is far away

I have a long way to go

But, there are no taxis

And, it feels like it's gonna rain

The weight of today are on top of my sagging shoulders

I wanna put it down for a moment

Home is far away...

230 ㅡ ♕ 내 마음

난... 그냥 행복 해지고싶어....

229 ㅡ ♕ Aku tidak pernah....

Aku tidak pernah meminta karena sudah tahu akan diberi. Aku tidak pernah berharap karena sudah pasti akan ditunjukkan jalan. Aku tidak pernah mengingini milik orang lain karena sudah bersyukur diberikan kehidupan milikku sendiri. Aku tidak pernah berniat untuk menjatuhkan orang lain karena sudah paham betul bagaimana rasanya terjatuh. Aku tidak pernah bersikap acuh tak acuh karena sangat mengenal perasaan diacuhkan. Aku tidak pernah membenci karena sudah tahu rasanya dibenci. Aku tidak pernah lelah mencoba karena tahu aku sedang diuji. Aku tidak pernah berhenti mengasihi karena paham betul bahwa Tuhan tak akan pernah berhenti mengasihi.

Aku bertahan karena tahu aku tak memiliki tujuan.

228 ㅡ ♕ Will you?

I don't have fame. I have nothing to give except my sincerity. Will you still accept me the way I am?

227 ㅡ ♕ Lee Jooheon & Xiao Yue: Dream.

Langit tampak begitu biru, suara binatang bersayap menghantar langkah kaki seorang gadis bersurai cokelat susu ㅡtak panjang, juga tak pendekㅡSenyum menghiasi wajah sang hawa yang tengah berlari kecil masuk ke dalam sebuah gedung bertingkat yang jauh-jauh lebih tinggi darinya. Tak tahu untuk berbuat apa, gadis ini melangkah masuk.

Hening...

Mata sang hawa terbelalak ketika mendapati seseorang yang hanya mampu dipandanginya melalui layar kaca dan juga layar ponsel berbentuk persegi panjang muncul di hadapannya bagaikan sebuah sihir. Tak mampu menutup mulut, gadis ini begitu kaget. Lee Jooheon ㅡ Rapper Monsta X yang diidolakannya. Gadis yang berdiri terdiam mematung bagai kehilangan jiwa yang terbang entah kemana. Pria bertubuh tak begitu tinggi namun cukup tinggi untuk mampu mendekap sang gadis di dalam pelukan hangat, kulit yang begitu putih seputih susu dengan bibir yang merah semerah darah. Begitu menyilaukan. Idola memang, seperti fans pada umumnya. Apa yang akan kamu lakukan jika bertemu seseorang yang tak akan pernah kamu temui selain pada saat konser? Kamu akan mengerahkan segala cara untuk menarik perhatiannya. Tenang, di sini sang gadis hanya melakukan apa yang biasanya dilakukan oleh seorang fans. Luckily, tak ada yang menyadari keberadaan sang idola di dalam gedung tersebut. Pakaian lengkap seperti pakaian yang dipakainya saat tampil di stage; jas dan celana senada berwarna merah maroon dengan make up ala vampire.

Dengan debaran jantung yang begitu kencang, untung saja tak terdengar sampai keluar atau mungkin saja terdengar dan tak ada yang mengetahui hal itu. Ya, gadis ini hm bernama Xiao Yue. Gadis keturunan cina yang mampu menguasai sedikitnya bahasa korea ini menghampiri sang pria  yang tengah berdiri. "안녕하세요 주주 오빠! [re: Halo Juju Oppa!]" Sapanya lembut dengan gugup. Sang pria terlihat senang, tersenyum saat mendapati seseorang menyapanya. Jooheon mengangguk dan tersenyum tanpa henti. "저는 인도네시아에서 살아요. 한국 사람 아니니까 저랑 셀카 해주세요… [re: Aku tinggal di Indonesia. Karena aku bukan warga korea please take a picture with me]" Ajak Xiao Yue dengan mengerahkan segala keberaniannya dengan menatap lekat kedua bola mata hitam sang adam. Kalau kau bisa menembus isi kedua bola mata pandangan Xiao Yue kau pasti akan menemukan sejuta harapan terlukis dalam kedua bola mata hazel milik gadis ini. "아….진짜? 그래 그러자! [re: Ah…..benarkah? Baiklah ayo!]" Jooheon mengiyakan ajakan dari Xiao Yue yang nampaknya benar-benar fans sejati dirinya. Ia tersenyum dan terus tersenyum. Lee Jooheon, senyumanmu sungguh indah. Batin Xiao Yue bergumam halus dan lemas. Untung saja kakak dari Xiao Yue  ada di sana dan akhirnya mereka berfoto ria. Jooheon merangkul Xiao Yue yang kikuk dan mendekapnya erat dalam rangkulan. Seharusnya hanya selca saja, tetapi…..ya begitulah. Hehehe.

••• Xiao Yue's dream ends right here •••

226 ㅡ ♕ Miyazono Kaori & Arima Kousei: Suratku Untukmu.

Untuk Kousei Arima.

Rasanya aneh menulis surat untuk seseorang yang baru saja menghabiskan waktunya bersamaku. Kau orang yang mengerikan. Lambat, bodoh, tak tahu diri.

Pertama kali aku melihatmu adalah saat aku berumur lima tahun. Saat itu ada pertunjukan dari sekolah piano yang ingin aku ikuti.

Anak laki-laki yang canggung itu menarik perhatian semua penonton hingga mereka tertawa karena dia kesulitan mengatur bangkunya. Dia bahkan duduk di depan piano yang terlihat terlalu besar untuknya dan saat dia memainkan nada yang pertama, saat itulah dia menjadi orang yang aku kagumi. Memainkan nada yang penuh warna 24 palette, melodi yang mulai menari-nari. Aku kaget sekali saat ada anak di sebelahku yang tiba-tiba menangis. Dan beberapa saat itu, kau malah berhenti bermain piano. Padahal kau sudah memengaruhi kehidupanku. Jahat, bukan? Jahat! Lamban! Bodoh!

Saat aku tahu kalau kita satu SMP, aku sangat senang sekali. Bagaimana ya cara agar aku bisa berbicara denganmu? Apa dengan membelikanmu sandwich setiap hari? Tapi pada akhirnya, aku hanya bisa memerhatikanmu dari kejauhan. Lagi pula, kalian semua terlihat sangat akrab. Seolah-olah tak ada tempat untuk aku disana.

Aku pernah melakukan operasi saat kecil dan mendapat perawatan rutin meski tak diopname. Setelah pernah pingsan di kelas tujuh, aku sudah sering keluar masuk rumah sakit. Aku mulai lebih sering masuk daripada keluar. Ke sekolah pun terasa berat untukku. Aku tahu kondisiku tidak begitu baik.

Suatu malam, saat aku melihat ibu dan ayahku menangis di ruang tunggu rumah sakit, aku sadar kalau waktuku sudah tidak banyak. Saat itulah aku mulai berlari. Aku mulai melakukan apa saja yang aku suka. Jadi aku tidak akan menyesal setelah pergi ke surga nanti. Kontak lensa yang selalu membuatku ngeri, memakan kue utuh. Aku juga tidak akan mencemaskan berat badanku, bahkan partitur nada yang membuatku kesusahan. Aku memainkan mereka dengan caraku sendiri.

Lalu... aku melakukan sebuah kebohongan.

Kalau Kaori Miyazono menyukai Ryota Watari. Itu semua hanyalah kebohongan. Kebohongan itu akan membawaku kepada Kousei Arima. Kebohongan itu yang membawamu kepadaku. Tolong sampaikan maafku pada Watari-kun nanti. Tapi tetap saja, kurasa tidak akan butuh waktu lama untuk Watari-kun agar bisa melupakanku. Sebagai teman dia orang yang lucu, tapi aku lebih memilih orang yang lebih serius.

Lalu, Sampaikan maafku pada Tsubaki-chan. Aku hanya orang yang numpang lewat dan akhirnya pergi. Aku tak bisa meninggalkan kesan buruk, jadi aku tidak bisa meminta apa-apa pada Tsubaki-chan. Atau, jika aku jujur, "Tolong kenalkan aku pada Arima-kun," Aku rasa Tsubaki-chan mungkin akan keberatan untuk melakukannya. Lagi pula, Tsubaki-chan sepertinya tergila-gila padamu. Semuanya sudah tahu soal itu sejak lama. Satu-satunya yang tidak tahu hanyalah kau dan Tsubaki-chan.

Kebohongan yang sudah membawamu kepadaku. Tidak pernah kubayangkan sebelumnya, kau lebih pesimis dan pasif dari yang aku pikirkan, kau juga ceroboh dan keras hati. Suaramu lebih rendah dari yang aku duga, dan kau juga lebih jantan dari yang aku duga. Dan kau... lembut seperti dugaanku.

Sungai yang kita lompati di jembatan keberanian itu sangat dingin dan enak, ya? Cahaya bulan purnama yang masuk ke ruang musik terlihat enak seperti Manju. Saat kita mengejar kereta itu, aku benar-benar merasa kita bisa menang. Menyanyikan Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star bersama-sama di bawah cahaya bintang juga seru, ya? Lalu ada juga kejadian di sekolah saat malam hari, kan? Bukankah salju itu terlihat seperti kelopak bunga sakura? Menikmati segala hal di luar panggung padahal aku ini seorang musisi, tidaklah masuk akal, bukan? Bukankah lucu jika kejadian yang paling tidak terlupakan ternyata sangatlah sederhana?

Bagaimana denganmu?

Apa aku bisa tinggal di dalam hati seseorang? Apa aku bisa hidup di dalam hatimu? Apa kau akan mengingatku meski hanya sedikit? Jangan tekan tombol reset, ya! Jangan lupakan aku, ya?

Aku bersyukur karena orang itu adalah kau. Apakah sampai padamu. Semoga bisa sampai padamu.

Kousei Arima... Aku Mencintaimu

Maaf canele-nya tidak kuhabiskan. Maaf karena sering memukulmu. Maaf karena terlalu kekanak-kanakan. Maaf, maaf, maaf ya...

Terima kasih.

P.S. Aku memasukkan sesuatu yang selama ini aku simpan. Kalau kau tidak mau, buang saja.

225 ㅡ ♕ Elena Gilbert & Stefan Salvatore: About you & me.

Elena Gilbert:

Dear diary, today I convinced myself it was okay to give up. Don't take risks. Stick with the status quo. No drama, now is just not the time. But my reasons aren't reasons, they're excuses. All I'm doing is hiding from the truth, and the truth is that... I'm scared, Stefan. I'm scared that if I let myself be happy for even one moment that the world's just going to come crashing down and I don't know if I can survive that.

Stefan Salvatore:

I met a girl. We talked. It was epic. But then the sun came up, and reality set in. Well, this is reality. Right here.

224 ㅡ ♕ I am a different person to different people.

I am a different person to different people. Annoying to one. Talented to another. Quiet to a few. Unknown to a lot. But, who am I, to me?

The only thing that matters is you are, you, and I am, me. Well, your behaviour depends on your surrounding, and also the environment where you grow up. But, don't pity yourself when no one wants you around because you are different, and frankly saying, sometimes they just don't want to admit that they actually need you in their lives. You are cool just the way you are. So, just be cool.

Be yourself, be okay.

Be proud, be different.

Be amazing.

223 ㅡ ♕ Not everyone who looks like a sunshine, never once become a raindrop.

You thought you wanted her, but she is made of thunder & lightning, and you were afraid of a little rain.

For everyone who is a little taken aback when you told her 1 thing but she understood 100 things in a blink. She is made of thunder & lightning because she observes well, but actually deep inside, she is made of glass, fragile can break easily.

And you need to realize,

not everyone who looks strong, never cry.

not everyone who looks like a sunshine, never once become a raindrop.

222 ㅡ ♕ Be considerate.

It's kinda sucks dealing with someone who has a bad temper. It's like you need to press down your ego for the sake of living peacefully. Maybe I, too, have a really sensitive personality which makes me can get easily annoyed at the slightest words that spoken by people, but trust me, you need to be at least a little considerate towards others.

Can start from minding your words, think first whether it could hit other people's heart or not, whether it could make someone uncomfortable or not, whether you really need to say that or not.

I am justㅡI have gone through lots of difficulties and tons of hardships today so I could say that I am sensitive, and it is my right to say that your words offended me.

I don't know, maybe we can't get along well, cause we actually have different way to communicate.

221 ㅡ ♕ Being nice to someone you dislike doesn't mean you're being fake.

Being nice to someone you dislike doesn't mean you're being fake. It means you're mature enough to tolerate that individual.

I am nice,

I am patient,

I am mature enough,

I can tolerate things,

I am a grown up lady.

At least, I've tried to hypnotise myself.

Hypnotised, to boost my confidence and mood, also to be a better person.

220 ㅡ ♕ Just because you and that person don't click, doesn't make either of you bad people.

The click is important, but it doesn't mean you have to turn your back and leave with your luggage. Actually, the click is not that important though.

How you open your eyes and mind to see lots of different things in life, also how you accept people for the way they are is the important thing.

So, just make lots of friends and you'll be rich in personality.

Said, the one who is a terrible-introverted-person.

219 ㅡ ♕ I realized the screaming pain...

I realized the screaming pain, hearing loud in my brain. But, I'm going straight ahead with the scar.

218 ㅡ ♕ Take me to the place...

Take me to the place where I could stay awake all night long just to reminisce those days when I was so incredibly happy with my life.

217 ㅡ ♕ It's all started because they're good people.

Why do bad things always happened to good people?

They have good hearts, they have familiar aura, they have what others wished to have, and in the end, it's all started because they're good people.

When you're good, people will always try to bring you down, they will try to make you forget your true natureㅡyour nature of kindness. So hold on tight, and don't ever forget to go with happiness.

xoxo,

me, claiming that I'm good.

(psst, or not... well, I'm trying.)

216 ㅡ ♕ Koko terbaik yang pernah hadir dalam hidupku.

Pada hari Kamis, tanggal 6 Juli 2017ㅡjam 05.38 pagi, aku kehilangan seorang koko terbaik yang selalu tersenyum hingga kedua mata membentuk sebuah pelangi penuh kebahagiaan. Nicholaus Sucipto telah berpulang ke rumah Bapa. Anggota keluarga kehilangan seorang anak laki-laki, kami kehilangan seorang koko terbaik, mereka kehilangan seorang sahabat... tetapi, satu harapan dan doa kami bahwa Yang Terkasih telah mendapatkan tempat terbaik di sisi Bapa di surga. Kami percaya bahwa Tuhan menyayangi dirinya lebih dari siapapun, dan kini dia telah bahagia bersama Tuhan. Bersenda gurau, tertawa, dan selalu tersenyum dalam cahaya kasih keabadian kekal.

Tidak akan ada yang menyangka koko bisa pergi secepat ini meninggalkan kami yang masih begitu senang untuk menghabiskan waktu bersama koko. Koko yang menjadi bagian dari hidup kami, kini tak dapat kami sentuh dan kami tatap lagi... dan hanya menjadi sebuah kenangan. Jika diperbolehkan memutar kembali waktu, tentu banyak hal dan kata yang ingin disampaikan semua saudara, keluarga, sahabat, dan kekasih untuk koko yang selalu menjadi koko terbaik bagi kami. Terutama, banyak terima kasih yang ingin aku sampaikan pada koko karena telah menjadi seorang koko yang sangat familiar, selalu ada untuk saudara-saudaranya sebagai koko yang dapat diandalkan, humble, penuh perhatian, penuh kehangatan, dan sangat penyayang. Koko selalu bisa membuat suasana menjadi nyaman karena koko selalu penuh kehangatan. Kebanggaan tersendiri bagiku karena memiliki sosok seorang koko yang bisa membuat aku mengucapkan kalimat, "Koko adalah koko terbaik dalam hidupku."

Aku berterima kasih kepada Tuhan karena telah diberikan kesempatan untuk menghabiskan masa kecil, masa remaja, sampai masa menuju kedewasaan bersama dengan koko. Aku berterima kasih kepada Tuhan karena telah diberikan waktu untuk bahagia bersama koko yang selalu bisa mencairkan suasana dimanapun koko berada. Terima kasih untuk semua kenangan bahagia yang tak akan pernah terlupakan dan habis dikenang. Terima kasih telah menjadi sosok koko terbaik bagiku, baginya, dan bagi kami.

Tuhan memberikan, Tuhan menitipkan, Tuhan mengambil, Tuhan memiliki jalan terbaik.

Kami sayang koko, tetapi Tuhan lebih menyayangi koko. Selamat jalan, ko. Aku percaya koko sudah tidak sakit lagi dan dapat menatap kami dengan seulas senyum cerah dari atas langit; memandang kehidupan kami dan selalu menjaga kami. Aku yakin koko sudah mendapatkan tempat terbaik di sisi Tuhan dan bahagia di sana; karena koko adalah koko terbaik dalam hidupku dan koko terhangat sepanjang masa dalam hidup kami. Tempat terbaik bagi yang terbaik. Aku percaya kebahagiaan kekal dan kehidupan abadi di sisi Bapa selalu beserta koko... selamanya.

Dari aku, yang selalu menyayangimu; koko terbaik yang pernah hadir dalam hidupku.

Aku selalu sayang koko. Baik-baik di sana ya, ko. Farewell, God be with you. Till we meet again. I love you for always.

215 ㅡ ♕ Life is about the process of living.

Life is about the process of making memories, the journey to reach what they called happiness, the power of loving and get loved in return.

It's all about how you deal with certain things, it's about how you accept the flaws and make a change for something better, all about you.

Life is full of surprises, and you gotta need to prepare yourself so that nothing could ever distract you from reaching your goals.

It's okay to be bad,

It's okay to be alone,

It's okay to be no jam,

It's okay.

It isn't life, if we aren't riding roller coaster 24/7.

In spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart. Just don't be afraid to express yourself, you can do it.

Life is about the process of living.

Choose the flavour, taste it, evaluate, and get better in everything.

xoxo,

from me to me.

214 ㅡ ♕ Yet, it keeps going.

The scariest thing is when you have no dreams, and yet, life keeps going.

When you don't know what's the purpose of you living in this world.

When you don't understand yourself.

When you become someone's puppet.

When your days full of fear and tears.

When your life has become a lot more darker.

When you have nothing to brag about.

When you stop believing in yourself.

When you start avoiding people.

When you become someone you don't know.

When you hate yourself.

213 ㅡ ♕ I definitely not a puppet.

Have you ever felt like losing yourself in the middle of choosing what's good for your own life?

Have you ever felt like drowning with no one to rescue you and all you can do is just depend on yourself to save your own life?

I'm now drowning with nothing to hold and no one to rescue. I've been there thousands time before stating this but unfortunately I'm now having that hard time to actually write this down. I've been very pathetic these past few days, I've been wronged because of losing myself but I can barely speak because that's all happened to me and because of me. I can't, I can never raise my voice and speak out loud because they've been keeping their distances to never let me say what's inside my heart and they've told me that I had to be what they want indirectly. They gave me choices but there are all only lead to their greed and future. Their dreams, not mine.

I've been very patient, a good girl for them. I even have forgotten my dreams and start pursuing theirs. But yet, they never praise me for what I did. They never took a glance of what I've done besides what I've done for their dreams. I'm sick of being such a mere puppet for their own greeds. Then, what's the point of living? What's good about living my own life when I can't do what I want and just live according to their plans? I thought I never wanted to kill myself so bad but once in a while, I thought I'd be happy if I just disappear from this so-called-my-world but actually never been my world from the start.

I once had feelings. I feel so dumb, disappointed, and wanting to just disappear. I keep believing that everything will turn out well when I put my heart inside what I'm doing and I still believe that would actually happen for me to be happy at least once. But, by believing that, I keep lying to myself. Even though I have put my heart to all the things that I must do to achieve their dreams, I never once become a happy person with a sincere smile adorning my face. I keep falling deeper and deeper until I forgot the purpose of living, what and who I truly am. I lied. I lied to others and the most important thing, I lied to myself. I haven't found something to keep me going in life. I forgot my purpose and now I'm stuck at the point where I forgot how to move forward and how to stop hiding myself behind a shadow. Can I just scream? I definitely not a puppet!

I've been mastering lots of things for the sake of getting their attentions. Honest saying, I don't really, and never really like singing, dancing, writing, acting, drawing and learning 5 different languages are not my things but thanks god I have a brain to work well. Hidden words, I have done and mastered them all just for the sake of getting a praise in return. Yet, they never praise me. They never do what I thought they would do. So, what's the point of moving forward? I'm exhausted for not being who I truly am. I've lied so many times until I forgot who I truly am.

Is it too much for asking a response like "You've done well." or "You can do it because you are qualified enough to do it." or "We are proud of you." Well... I never demand such thing like saying, "You can follow your dream. It's your life, you can be whatever you want and do everything you want. Even though everyone in the world have turned their backs on you, remember that we would always face you straight and never leave you." I have never dreamt to get something like that. But, sometimes, I feel dumb because I never do what I want with my heart. I always worried they would turn their backs on me. I'm afraid, they would raise their voices because I did wrong and I always end up being stressed out.

I apologise for what I ever did, please teach me how to make friends, how to keep myself inside a circle of peopleㅡhow to find myself. I never thought these day would happen, but sincerely from my deepest heart, I'm just so tired with my life.

From me, to me:

You know I always support you and believe in you even when no one tries to understand you. I've got your back and never stop being a happy girl with a bright smile adorning your visage, because you are worth to something even greater than what you've ever imagined. You can be what you want and fly as high as you can! You have the power to live your life according to your plan when the time comes. When they think you're falling, prove them wrong! I'll find every missing pieces and start arranging the puzzle of my own life... I'll find myself.

212 ㅡ ♕ If we were meant to be together, we would eventually be together.

You always want to meet someone unexpectedly, right? And while dreaming about it, some people will certainly bring you back to reality.

So, let see, things in life might be complicated as life indeed will always be throwing you lemon, but make sure you dream big, work hard and make everything that you've always wanted to do happened in your life.

Be yourself, because when you are able to love yourself, that's the time you shine brightest.

Last but not least, if two people meant to be together, they would eventually be together. (despite the fact that our match could possibly be living in other country, doing some works that never related to us, but when you have the effort to push yourself till you hit the limit of being the brightest star, you would definitely find that one way to meet your half.)

Unexpectedly, a way to find the apple to your pie.

211 ㅡ ♕ No one is naturally boring.

Boredom is only for boring people with no imagination. — Tim Tharp

That means I shall not be bored with life since I believe we are all have our own story; fantasy and fairy tale with high imagination quality.

No one is boring, so we should not be bored.

Well, let the wild thoughts consume you to pull out the imagination within yourself that can truly save every oneself to kill times.

When doing some certain things, realize it or not, we are all being crazy almost 24/7 and I must say that it's okay to be wild and crazy.

All you have to do is pull yourself together and start wandering. Remember, wandering is not all about travelling, but it's also about understanding.

Understand yourself,

let the wild thoughts wandering around,

use your imagination to go deep,

and boredom, is nothing to worry about.

210 ㅡ ♕ Edelweiss seeds.

Words are like seeds. They have creative power. Isaiah says, "We will eat the fruit of our words." What seeds are you planting?

Me, I'll be making a garden full of Edelweiss cause I believe, with God, no other thing besides possibilities for us to live eternally in peace.

Sweet dreams, good night!

209 ㅡ ♕ I'm working to be someone who could inspire others.

I'm working to be someone who could inspire others. I'm working till someone could actually tell me that I'm such an inspiring person.

But, when will I...

This has been my greatest struggle of all years, you know the feeling when you want to impress them but actually you just want to impress yourself. You've forgotten that you needed to appreciate what you've done, not just reacting what others think about you.

Sometimes, once in a while, I forgot what's the reason for me to exist cause I keep chasing someone's dream rather than pursuing mine.

I don't know if this is a bad thing or not, but I feel pain with no time to scream. I feel pain inside my heart that I cannot tell anyone about this. I feel lonely, I feel lost.

The fact that I feel like nothing cause I definitely forgot my own dream is making me feel weak everyday. I don't know where to start and when to end. I'm their puppet and I regret why I didn't turn down their offer to make me pursue their dream before it's too late.

But now all I can do is just accepting the world the way it is, and continue living. That's all. I only have to accept the fact.

The fact that; I have to live the world they wanted me to stay and be the one they wanted me to be.

208 ㅡ ♕ Some things are better left unsaid.

Tidak pernah terlintas dalam pikiran bahwa diri akan kembali memanggil masa lalu untuk hadir ke dalam kehidupan. Sebuah pertanyaan mampu membuat kenyataan yang terpendam dalam kotak kenangan, terbuka dengan sendirinya. Tak ingin hati memanggil, tetapi tanpa sadar telah berusaha menarik suara. Tak ingin pikiran terbang ke angkasa, tetapi sayap telah siap membawa pergi diri untuk kembali ke masa-masa mendung. Tak ingin kembali pulang, namun sudah terlambat.

"Apa yang sebenarnya membuat kalian berpisah?"

Tertegun. Terdiam untuk beberapa saat. Luka lama kembali terbuka meskipun telah disembuhkan oleh waktu. Inginnya demikian. Namun, ternyata luka tersebut masih belum sembuh. Tak akan sembuh karena bibir belum berucap kata-kata mengenai alasan di balik keputusan yang diambil, dan kini, goresan tipis luka lama kembali membuat diri nyeri dan ingin menitikkan air mata. Tahan, tahan saja. Bisa, pasti bisa. Tepat sebelum bibir berucap, dering benda pipih berlayar sentuh menginterupsi. Terima kasih, Tuhan. Hati bergumam dalam diam kala sedang berbincang dengan seseorang melalui sambungan tak kasat mata, karena tak perlu langsung mengungkapkan isi hati yang telah terpendam jauh dan dalam. Aku, terselamatkan.

"Aku tidak tahu apa yang terjadi di antara kalian. Tetapi, setiap aku berbicara dengannya mengenai dirimu, dia seperti berapi-api."

Perih. Luka yang dulu sempat menjadi satu-satunya beban bagi hidup, ternyata masih saja menjadi sesuatu yang tak mampu dilupakan meski waktu berusaha menyembuhkan. Tidak menitikkan air mata rindu, hanya saja hati seperti mulai membendung air yang meluap ingin keluar. Tidak tahu kebenaran di balik sikap yang diambil saat menghadapi sebuah hubungan di masa lalu, tetapi satu yang dapat dipastikan memang terjadi, yaitu banyak hal yang tak mampu diungkapkan, banyak kejadian yang tak diperbolehkan untuk dikatakan, banyak perasaan yang membuat diri gundah, sehingga sebuah keputusan untuk berpisah menjadi satu-satunya titik terang menuju langkah yang lebih baik. Harapan memang demikian. Ingin menjadi lebih baik. Ingin hidup lebih bermakna. Terutama, berbakti. Namun, sampai detik ini, diri tak sama sekali bahagia meski raga tersenyum. Tubuh tak sama sekali bersemangat meski bibir berucap kata penyemangat. Senyum bukan lagi milik hati, melainkan milik raga yang dengan sendirinya berusaha menjadi matahari. Air tidak lagi milik mata, tetapi kini, milik kesepian, kerinduan, kepenatan, kepedihan dan kenyataan. Seperti tanpa tujuan, tak ada sesuatu yang ingin dilakukan. Kaku, bukan lagi seorang pemimpi. Tak lagi liar dalam tidur, kini kedua mata terbuka menatap kenyataan pahit hidup tanpa pegangan.

Maafkan diri yang tak siap berkata banyak ketika waktu memungkinkan untuk menjelaskan segala kenyataan yang dialami. Penakut, bukan pemberani yang rela mati demi seorang kekasih. Hidup hanya sekali, baru disadari kebenarannya. Hanya saja, semua sudah terlambat untuk disampaikan. Tak apa, bukan masalah. Tak sampai, bukan kewajiban untuk mendengarkan lagi. Namun, satu hal, terima kasih kuberikan bagimu yang berhasil membuatku bermimpi bahwa seorang pangeran itu ada bagi seseorang yang hidup dalam kebahagiaan palsu sepertiku. Meskipun sampai detik ini, aku masih tak mampu mengatakan kebenaran yang terjadi saat aku dan kamu bersatu dalam satu ikatan benang merah di masa lalu, terima kasih sudah membantuku menyadari bahwa aku belum sanggup untuk menghancurkan sangkar emas yang menjadi kediamanku. Entah kapan aku akan berhasil terbang bebas, mengejar harapan, tanpa kepalsuan. Tak paham, tak pernah kutemukan jawaban. Janjiku padamu, jika suatu hari nanti kutemukan jawaban itu dan kau masih bersedia mendengarkan, kupastikan kau mengerti alasan yang menjadi tameng bagi diriku untuk membenci dirimu... dan tentu, diriku sendiri. Kalau begitu, maafkan aku, terima kasih, dan sampai jumpa, kenangan.

207 ㅡ ♕ We are all greedy.

We are all greedy.

We never see things we already had, and always bragging about getting something that we want. The gap between what you want and the reality. Sometimes, all we need to do is appreciating what we already had, appreciating life. Always trying hard to get what we want is a pain in the ass sometimes, so we'd better try seeing things with a new perspective of mind.

In every pain that we've gone through in this life, there's always a happy pill hidden inside, and it's our job to find and cherish it.

Good luck,

from me, to you & me.

206 ㅡ ♕ You've lost the moon while counting the stars.

You miss me cause you know you have lost the moon while counting the stars.

It doesn't matter to hold on things cause once in a while, you have to try learning something different from others and understand them. I thought we could turn our relationship into a friendship which I wanted you to be more comfortable around me, and stay true to yourself. But, it's fine, every endings lead you to a new beginning.

Stop recalling memories cause the past is just the past for a reason.

A reason for us to be more grateful with everything that happened, or will happen in life.

Count the sheep and good night!

205 ㅡ ♕ Sorry, but no.

When working in groups, I am strict when it comes to responsibility, so well... I'm gonna spill something to chill out my anger.

Neglecting your works and putting the burden in someone's shoulder is A-Must-Not-Do-Thing when I Am the captain of this airship. But somehow, people just being a little unfair by forever staying in their comfort zone, and sacrificing others for their own greed. I hate the fact that I'm always being taken for granted, when I'm effortfully trying to be the nicest person in the world. Maybe, once in a while, we need to pull out the fence and start placing a wood panel which written, "Sorry, but no," on it.

Sorry, but no.

204 ㅡ ♕ Treat her like how you treat your mum.

If you think you know me, think twice.

Every girls need to remember this sentence even though just a little piece of it cause ya, men, watch out. I believe every girls deserve to be treated well, especially men need to be able to treat girls like how they treat their mums, so lovely, with love.

203 ㅡ ♕ Those who wander aren't lost.

Sometimes, you have to spend at least five minutes thinking about yourself; encourage yourself, praise yourself and start wandering, because those who wander aren't actually the lost ones.

They are just trying to find what's good inside them and those who wander, are the ones who's willing to make a change and eventually, walk forward along with life which taught them to never look back.

Life must go on.

202 ㅡ ♕ A hungry stomach, an empty pocket, and a broken heart.

A hungry stomach teaches me how to be able to appreciate every single grain of rice.

An empty pocket teaches me how to appreciate my father's sweat as he always fight for one goal, to support and favor my life, every single drop of his tears.

A broken heart makes me stronger than ever, teaches me how to appreciate myself even more.

201 ㅡ ♕ In the end, we all need to deal with loneliness.

It's kinda scary to know that everyone who stays by your side will eventually leave, and in the end, all that matters is just the memories. In the end, the only one who can accept your flaws is the one who stays. The one who accepts you the way you are deserves your best, and you deserve someone who looks at you admirably.

It's scary even sisters can part away when both already got that someone to marry. Well see, in the end, we all need to deal with loneliness.

200 ㅡ ♕ My pray, my wish.

Rather than staying calm, I tried so hard to show my palm.

Waiting for someone to hold my hand, I stayed quiet yet alarmed.

Seeing the fact that an act could make everything better, I wanted to reach the same star.

But, then I realized there is nothing in me that can make them proud.

Lied, if it didn't hurt.

Cried, if all alone.

Smiled, for the sake of better days.

Too hard, never been my card to win their heart.

If I could just say it, I would end up making it obvious that I wanted a tiny little piece given only for me.

If I could just be honest, I was afraid all the time that I couldn't be the other successful one.

If I could just shout out my heart, I was tired of holding it that you treated me differently without even knowing it hurt me.

If I could just tell everything, I was okay and you never need a way to change because I am used to it.

Being the second, I never regret.

Frightening, what if arms not long enough to reach the same highest star.

Will you keep praising the only brightest star?

Will you compare our stars?

From the deepest of my heart, I only want you to treat me the same.

My now, my future.

My time, my heart.

My pray, my wish.

My love, my home.

— 03:33AM

199 ㅡ ♕ I hope it hurts for you to remember.

Every pieces of you still remain the same, my feelings never change.

As the song we used to sing echoing inside the room, I struggled a lot.

It has never been my intention to get inside the train, going back to the pain.

But, memories brought me one step backwards to where we said, "Good bye."

I was already there when I opened my eyes, along with the tears.

Things happened for reasons, I believe.

Even if it was hurt, still hurt and will always be in pain,

I've trusted, I am trusting you and it will never change.

Though I know that everything will be in vain, in the end.

But, that's fine as long as I keep my feelings locked.

Have you ever thought what would happen if we didn't stop along the way?

Have you ever felt like coming back to where we were apart?

Have you ever been in a place where all you remembered was just our memories?

Have you ever imagined how delighted I was when we were together?

Have you ever loved me even if it was just for a second?

I hope it reaches you, my voice.

I hope I could be there for you, be your friend.

I hope we could be okay, find our way.

I hope you remember, our memories together.

I hope it hurts for you to remember.

Phone calls with no answers.

Dreaming, why still hanging.

I've had fallen too deep, no one wanted to help.

Realizing the situation, I walked to the station.

Going back home, all alone.

ㅡ 01:00AM

198 ㅡ ♕ Lahirnya Han Jinhee, 1 Januari 2017.

Detik terus bergulir, menit terus berjalan dan akhirnya, tahun pun berganti. Dua ribu enam belas tak lagi menjadi tahun penghitungan kehidupan terjadi. Tahun telah berganti dan kini, tahun yang harus dilalui adalah dua ribu tujuh belas. Mungkin, jika dipikirkan kembali ke belakang, banyak yang telah terjadi bagi seorang gadis bernama Jinhee. Kejadian menarik, kesedihan yang tak mampu diungkapkan pada siapapun, kepedihan hati karena kekecewaan, keterpurukan yang dirasa sungguh membuat hati mati rasa, sampai kepada kebahagiaan yang cukup membuat diri tersenyum.

Bertahan, satu kata yang menjadi pegangan hidup seorang Han Jinhee. Keinginan untuk bertahan, sangat tinggi. Namun, begitu sulit dijalankan. Setiap embusan napas yang keluar mengandung doa yang sama setiap harinya, yakni, "Biarkan aku bertahan." Ingin rasanya bertahan sampai diri tak mampu lagi. Ingin rasanya menjadi seseorang yang mereka anggap sempurna. Ingin rasanya membahagiakan mereka dalam kesenangan duniawi. Namun, apa daya. Apa daya seorang yang lemah dan hanya mampu berharap. Satu harapan yang pasti di tahun dua ribu tujuh belas adalah Jinhee dapat bertahan dan berjuang sekuat tenaga. Jangan biarkan dirinya lemah seperti hari kemarin. Jangan biarkan ia menyerah hanya karena tak mampu lagi bertahan. Jangan biarkan ia menangis karena kehilangan jati diri. Jangan biarkan kebahagiaan hilang dalam hidupnya.

Kehidupan tak lengkap dirasa, jika tak sama sekali berbaur dengan orang di luar lingkup. Mencari banyak kawan sudah menjadi salah satu dari banyak resolusi mereka yang menyandang julukan 'introvert' dan tentu, begitu pula dengan Han Jinhee. Hidupnya yang hanyalah seperti burung dalam sangkar emas membuat sang dara seolah menutup diri meskipun sebenarnya, ia hanya tak kuasa menahan kepedihan akan fakta bahwa kesendirian menyelimuti diri. Sebuah harapan di tahun yang baru, yaitu inginnya jendela terbuka untuk menghirup udara segar. Inginnya pintu terbuka agar mereka dapat merangkul. Inginnya senyum menghiasi parasnya yang sendu. Ingin rasanya menjadi seseorang yang dapat terbang bebas tanpa beban di pundak. Meskipun sulit, keinginan itu tetap akan menjadi satu harapan Han Jinhee di tahun baru ini. Ya, tetap harus diperjuangkan sampai kapanpun.

Ditulis tepat pada tanggal 1 Januari 2017,

Han Jinhee.

197 ㅡ ♕ Red is supposed to be the color of fate.

Red is supposed to be the color of fate, right? Even if it’s annoying now, it might connect to something good when you least expect it.

ㅡ Zen Wisteria

I've spent 2 days watching anime series called Akagami no Shirayukihime. Basically, it's all about prince charming coming into your life like you're fated to meet him and your life changed after that. But, it's also about how you live your life by depending on yourself and never forget that you have 'love' inside your heart. I have to say that this anime really impressed me. Guess what, I know that i do really love this anime since the first 10mins. It's not all about a cliché prince-ordinary girl love story. But, it does have friendship between the prince and his royal guards. Everything matters in the series and i'll end up writing long post if i wrote them all so i'll just write down some points that i get from the series.

1) Believe in yourself.

So it happened when Prince Raj wanted Shirayuki to be his concubine because she has a red hair which as red as apple. It's pleasantly beautiful since no one in town owns that kind of hair color. Hearing there's a girl in town who has that hair color, Prince Raj immediately asked one of his royal guard to meet Shirayuki and make her move to the castle the day after. But then Shirayuki believes that she doesn't want to be someone's concubine and just want to write her own story by walking on her own chosen path. So she runs away after cutting her hair to short. Leaving the hair behind, Shirayuki who doesn't have any place to go runs from her homeland and just believe in herself that she could definitely find her own path. She has faith in herself. She believes in herself. She doesn't let anyone make her think twice on what she really want to achieve. She wants herself to be proud later and say, "Ah, i've done it." And until the end, she is happy she doesn't give up on life and choose her own path by leaving her homeland, Tanbarun, because she met Zen and lives happily with him.

2) There IS fate in this world.

She runs away from home and there she met Zen Wisteria, The Second Prince of Clarines. He was out with some friends when he met Shirayuki. The two of them get along well as time goes by and that absolutely because there is love in every words they've spoken.

3) Befriend everyone.

Zen Wisteria is the second prince of Clarines but he befriends his royal guards. Mitsuhide, Kiki and Obi are his best friends and best companions. Their closeness can be seen in some scenes. First, when Zen was in pain because of eating poisoned apple, they looked extremely worried. But that's normal for everyone, right? So here i am telling you the other one that matters. When Shirayuki went missing (kidnapped by pirates) and Zen was really worried, Mitsuhide and Kiki punched Zen's back just to remind him to always think clearly and never get too fired up. It's like, you know, the feeling when you're about to do something out of control and there's someone who got your back? Yeah, that's the feeling. After that, when Obi looked so down because he failed on protecting Shirayuki, Zen's precious treasure, instead of throwing out his madness for being failed of giving Shirayuki full protection, Zen smacked Obi's head and said about not to make such a sad face since they would bring Shirayuki back together. I think that kind of gestures coming from each scenes can describe how true friendship is between them and somehow that's what everyone wants to happen in their life. I love their friendship. Also you can feel that Mitsuhide is really Zen's black knight since he always there to take care and protect his master, Zen. Mitsuhide and Zen also seem very close despite they come from different social status. Mitsuhide is only a guard. Talking about others, Kiki is just a noble's daughter and last to come, Obi is just a man living in town who's good at being a hunter. Shirayuki is a girl who runs away from her homeland and doesn't have any place to go despite she's smart and soon after arriving in Clarines, she becomes a court herbalist for the castle.

4) Be loved.

Zen is very easy-going, humorous, humble in his own way (never forget his status as a prince and also very hard-working man. He is so reliable, and responsible. I think there's lots of things that i could learn from him. I actually have learnt some things from Zen, Shirayuki, Obi, Mitsuhide and Kiki, but i think i still need more time to learn everything. They are really inspiring. Each character has its own color and i'm so grateful i clicked the title of this anime. I'm so happy i could be able to take notes on everything that happened in the series. I'm still learning to be like them, and i'm sure i'll be a better person ... thanks to Akagami no Shirayukihime.

5) Take every words from others as a motivation.

Then, please become someone i can be glad is the prince of my home country.

ㅡ Shirayuki to Prince Raj

Here i am talking about Prince Raj, eldest son of Tanbarun's King who is a lazy ass and never want to seriously show the pride of being a prince. All he knows is playing around, being bossy and never admit the fact that he would be a king for Tanbarun later. But, he changed. He could change because of Shirayuki. She dare herself to spit out what she exactly thinks about her own country's prince, Prince Raj and there, Raj ashamed of himself. It hits him right in the heart and also mind. He tries to change and it's all started from the bottom, from a simple thing to bigger matters. What i've learnt from Prince Raj is how he takes Shirayuki's words as a motivation to move forward, to be someone reliable, responsible and be someone better. It's like you're always see the world with your eyes closed but then suddenly you got the feeling of wanting to take a peek at the world with your eyes slowly but sure widen. The feeling when you want to observe, and do one or some things for people around you. It's the meaning of growing up. I'm sure it is.

Last but not least, the romance is real. It's amazing to watch simple things that usually happen in high school coming from this series. I suddenly missed my high school's love life. But, okay moving on. Simple things such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, accompany someone to sleep, talking until late night, being there for each other, taking care of each other, smiling at each other, and showing how much they love each other in simple ways. Fresh feelings, but deep meaning. I recommend you to watch this series. No need to think, just feel it and happy watching!

Oyasuminasai.

196 ㅡ ♕ 23:46

“Feeling lost most of the time. The purpose of me living is nothing if don't achieve anything. Will they treat me the same?”

— 23:46

Banyak hal yang membuat titik air menetes. Banyak hal yang membuat isak tangis menemani malam. Banyak hal yang terjadi tanpa permisi. Ingin bersuara, tetapi lidah kelu. Ingin biarkan hati bicara, tetapi hanya air mata bantu ungkapkan rasa. Ingin merangkai kata, tetapi benak tak mampu genggam erat sebuah pena.

Terjebak dalam pikiran akan ketakutan hilang dari ingatan, hati kesal tunjukkan ekspresi. Terjerat dalam emosi jiwa yang begitu membuat tubuh meringkuk, kedua sudut bibir mengarah ke bawah melupakan cara tersenyum.

Jika diperbolehkan bicara, ingin sekali menegur bibir yang selalu membicarakan hal yang terlalu membuat hati ciut. Tidak terluka, hanya pedih tergores.

Jika diperbolehkan ungkapkan rasa, ingin rasanya meminta sebuah perhatian tanpa membandingkan. Tak memaksa, hanya berusaha menyenangkan hati.

Jika diperbolehkan menangis, ingin membuat mereka menatap pedihnya hati yang tergores, batin yang terluka dan senyum yang pudar tanpa tertangkap pandangan mata. Tidak meminta belas kasih, hanya ingin sepasang mata masing-masing sadar akan suara hati.

Ketakutan merajalela diri akibat cemas tak mampu menggapai bintang yang sama. Akankah perlakuan berbeda diberikan?

Keresahan membuat sepasang netra tak siap untuk bermimpi. Akankah takdir menuntun ke jalan yang berbeda?

Ah, bisa jadi. Tak ada yang tahu jalan hidup seseorang dan satu dengan yang lainnya, pasti berbeda. Dua dari sepuluh yang mungkin melewati jalan serupa.

Terlalu lelah untuk mendengar. Terlalu sakit untuk kembali diulang. Terlalu cemas untuk menatap masa depan. Terlalu rendah menatap diri.

Bermimpi saja sudah tak berani dilakukan. Masa depan tak tentu arah. Akan ke mana, akan pergi ke mana, akan sampai di mana, dan harus bagaimana. Pertanyaan terlontar tanpa harapan akan menemukan jawaban.

Kembali, rasa perih di dada tak mampu membuat diri berpikir. Ingin terdiam seribu bahasa, namun kelopak mata tak ingin berteman. Air mata mengalir meski dalam usaha pertahanan diri untuk tegar. Ingin menyimpan saja, namun kotak hati sudah terlalu penuh dengan hal yang sama setiap waktunya. Jeritan hati membuat air terus mengalir.

Sudah terlalu lelah membiarkan. Sudah terlalu lama memendam. Sudah terlalu kesal untuk meratapi. Sudah terlalu sakit untuk melangkah.

Tak ada waktu untuk membicarakan kehidupan, terutama milik seseorang yang tak pernah menggapai sesuatu yang cemerlang. Tak ada tempat untuk beristirahat, terutama bagi seseorang yang tak memiliki tujuan. Tak memiliki tujuan dan mimpi, namun lebih letih.

Mereka berkata bahwa tak ada yang membedakan, hanya saja terlalu senang karena seseorang lainnya menggapai cita-cita idaman.

Mereka berkata bahwa akan tetap mencintai seseorang yang tak memiliki tujuan, tak perlu khawatir akan itu. Namun, tetap ada perbedaan yang dirasakan.

Akankah perlakuan yang sama diberikan, jika tak satu pun mimpi idaman digapai? Akankah diri tak terlupakan?

“I'm tired being alarmed all the time.”

— 00:26

195 ㅡ ♕ Past, Present, Future.

Hello, little sunshine. Good morning. I'm writing this on phone in 04:31AM with AKMU's Last Good bye on repeat.

Are you dreaming right now? Or, a nightmare suddenly brought you back to life? Or, you still haven't slept and you just don't know why?

If you chose the third one, then you are me.

I am wide awake. Not because of watching k-drama like i usually do when i messed up my sleeping schedule. But, i'm thinking. Contemplating life, imagining myself in 2017.

Yeah, right. It's now 2017 yet i still haven't set my goals for this year. I've been deeply drown in my thoughts. For some reason, i'm too afraid to make my life goals. Frightening, i might not achieve anything. If wanted to look back, i've been a very childish person ever. I dropped lots of tears back in 2016 on simple things. Though it was indeed hurt for me. I was living in pain everyday. I blamed people for my choice. And i just realized now that i was being stupid all the time. I was given a chance to improve myself. A chance to seriously work hard to be the best, but i slipped that away and kept on believing that everything was wrong from the start. If i worked hard, surely i would be better. Not just in education, but in living as a human being. I feel like i've wasted my first year of being a freshman in college just because of my perception of thinking. I've been very stubborn, and i know that's all because i was too afraid to see that they were right. They know that i'm qualified for this major. So they gave me the choice to be someone better than i was. To be someone people can look forward to. I hate myself for being stubborn, a cry baby, and everything. I hate myself for never really trying so hard to reach the top. I've tried everything i could to survive. But, if i really threw back time, it was only 50% of me trying hard. Half of me, wanting to quit real soon. I've never really put myself inside what i was doing. I've never really loved what i was doing. I, hate myself. I feel ashamed. I've been a disgraceful person to my own life. My regret is not all about education, but also my social life. I've been closing my book. I wrote things, but in the end that was all because of me why they didn't and never lending out a hand to reach me since i was the one who closed the door. I feel sorry to myself in 2016. Why, just why were you making yourself isolated by your own loneliness? You said that you wanted to be more lively and turned down everyone who looked down on you. I'm sorry, you. I'm sorry, me.

Today, January 15th 2017. I'm writing this just to remind myself that i won't be making the same mistakes again. I'll be loving all the things that i need to do, all the things i want to do and also all the things i'm doing right now. I'm gonna do everything with my whole heart. I'll be doing those all with pride, love, and smile. Thanks for everyone who helps me be me today. I surely am really grateful to have you all around me to hold me when i fall, to lend a shoulder when i'm about to cry, to teach me how to smile when i forgot how to and the last, to always be beside me whenever i need someone to rely on. Thank you, guys. Whoever reading this, yes that's you. You are a part of someone special in my whole 2016 journey. I've been very awful, but then you guys are still here with me. Thank you, tons of luck for you in 2017 and may happiness be surrounding you. Amen.

Speaking of my goals in 2017. Yet, i still haven't figured out what i'm gonna do to search for what they called true happiness. You know, somewhat like doing something to make you feel alive. I've never found that. I keep on believing that as time goes by, i would definitely find it. But, if i didn't seek for it, i wouldn't get anything. I've learnt through my journey last year. I got nothing to be cherished. I got, nothing. So this year, i'm gonna take myself a whole different new level of living life. I'll take risks. I'll try some other things that i'm always afraid to do. I'll learn, learn and learn. I'll be someone who never gets tired of learning because that's the reason i'm living my life in a whole different level from before.

Be someone who is brave enough to take risks. Be someone who is living life breathlessly. Be someone who seeks for true happiness by doing lots of different things. You have to be rich, rich in experiences. So never ever take anything as a failure. You deserve to turn all the lemons life has given you into a delicious lemonade. You deserve to work your ass off to achieve what you want. You've been trying hard last year but that's not enough. You gotta need to be sure on what you do, put your heart inside and just screw them who tries to bring you down by saying sarcasm words on the things you think is right for you to do. Screw them. Who cares. You are the one living your life, not them. Show them who leads the way to your own stories. You can be someone better. You can be someone who you want to be. You are, you.

Dream, believe and make it happen.

You have the right to be happy. You were a happy kid, and you still are a happy kid. Never forget that. Wear your best smile and show them that you deserve the world. Have a happy day!

And, good night!

194 ㅡ ♕ Sedikit waktu untuk menyelamatkan yang terpuruk.

Terkadang, kita memang harus mengorbankan sedikit waktu untuk menyelamatkan hidup seseorang yang sedang terpuruk. Percaya saja bahwa setidaknya ada yang rela melakukan itu meskipun hanya satu dari sepuluh.

Ketika telah melakukan itu, rasanya seperti diri sendiri juga ikut terselamatkan.

Bangga pada diri ini yang mulai membaik di awal tahun. Semoga bisa lebih baik lagi untuk kedepannya. Amin.

193 ㅡ ♕ Don't let sadness and loneliness consume your happiness.

Hello! Things might be hard these days, life might be throwing lemons at you, people might be changing as time goes by, love might be forgotten in this world, but trust me, everything happened for reasons. You just have to try thinking positively. Don't let your sadness and loneliness consume your happiness. You deserve the world. I believe, you have 'that somebody' who would listen to whatever your worries are. It's just, you are too fast to close the book, that's why you thought you had nobody.

But sometimes, you also need times to be alone. To be exactly feel how far you get drown. And that's all for you to seriously understand 'why things get hard these days' and when you've already hit that part ... that's the time when you're going to fully awake and spread your wings.

Fly, as high as you can.

And after all, all you need is yourself getting stronger. You can only rely on yourself.

It's okay to be alone, but don't ever feel lonely because you, have yourself.

Good night! Hope you feel better anytime soon.