213 ㅡ ♕ I definitely not a puppet.

Have you ever felt like losing yourself in the middle of choosing what's good for your own life?

Have you ever felt like drowning with no one to rescue you and all you can do is just depend on yourself to save your own life?

I'm now drowning with nothing to hold and no one to rescue. I've been there thousands time before stating this but unfortunately I'm now having that hard time to actually write this down. I've been very pathetic these past few days, I've been wronged because of losing myself but I can barely speak because that's all happened to me and because of me. I can't, I can never raise my voice and speak out loud because they've been keeping their distances to never let me say what's inside my heart and they've told me that I had to be what they want indirectly. They gave me choices but there are all only lead to their greed and future. Their dreams, not mine.

I've been very patient, a good girl for them. I even have forgotten my dreams and start pursuing theirs. But yet, they never praise me for what I did. They never took a glance of what I've done besides what I've done for their dreams. I'm sick of being such a mere puppet for their own greeds. Then, what's the point of living? What's good about living my own life when I can't do what I want and just live according to their plans? I thought I never wanted to kill myself so bad but once in a while, I thought I'd be happy if I just disappear from this so-called-my-world but actually never been my world from the start.

I once had feelings. I feel so dumb, disappointed, and wanting to just disappear. I keep believing that everything will turn out well when I put my heart inside what I'm doing and I still believe that would actually happen for me to be happy at least once. But, by believing that, I keep lying to myself. Even though I have put my heart to all the things that I must do to achieve their dreams, I never once become a happy person with a sincere smile adorning my face. I keep falling deeper and deeper until I forgot the purpose of living, what and who I truly am. I lied. I lied to others and the most important thing, I lied to myself. I haven't found something to keep me going in life. I forgot my purpose and now I'm stuck at the point where I forgot how to move forward and how to stop hiding myself behind a shadow. Can I just scream? I definitely not a puppet!

I've been mastering lots of things for the sake of getting their attentions. Honest saying, I don't really, and never really like singing, dancing, writing, acting, drawing and learning 5 different languages are not my things but thanks god I have a brain to work well. Hidden words, I have done and mastered them all just for the sake of getting a praise in return. Yet, they never praise me. They never do what I thought they would do. So, what's the point of moving forward? I'm exhausted for not being who I truly am. I've lied so many times until I forgot who I truly am.

Is it too much for asking a response like "You've done well." or "You can do it because you are qualified enough to do it." or "We are proud of you." Well... I never demand such thing like saying, "You can follow your dream. It's your life, you can be whatever you want and do everything you want. Even though everyone in the world have turned their backs on you, remember that we would always face you straight and never leave you." I have never dreamt to get something like that. But, sometimes, I feel dumb because I never do what I want with my heart. I always worried they would turn their backs on me. I'm afraid, they would raise their voices because I did wrong and I always end up being stressed out.

I apologise for what I ever did, please teach me how to make friends, how to keep myself inside a circle of peopleㅡhow to find myself. I never thought these day would happen, but sincerely from my deepest heart, I'm just so tired with my life.

From me, to me:

You know I always support you and believe in you even when no one tries to understand you. I've got your back and never stop being a happy girl with a bright smile adorning your visage, because you are worth to something even greater than what you've ever imagined. You can be what you want and fly as high as you can! You have the power to live your life according to your plan when the time comes. When they think you're falling, prove them wrong! I'll find every missing pieces and start arranging the puzzle of my own life... I'll find myself.