384 ㅡ ♕ Pilu membiru.

Semalam langit bernyanyi merdu, pertanda ada yang merindu.

Aku termangu di dalam kamar sempit yang aku jadikan ruangan ternyaman di dalam bangunan ini tatkala Sang Langit bersenandung merdu. Langit bernyanyi begitu kencang hingga duniaku ikut berguncang. Mendengar gemuruh yang gaduh, aku tidak ragu lagi untuk ikut menyuarakan isi kalbu. Tangisan sebagai buah dari perpisahan kukeluarkan bagai nyanyian.

Aku tidak lagi bersama dengan dia. Bukan karena aku ingin menyerah, tetapi keadaan mendukung untuk berserah. Oleh karena itu, pasir yang berada dalam genggaman tangan, aku lepas hingga tidak tersisa sedikit pun. Ini tidak baik bagi hati, sebab akan ada luka yang tak bisa terobati. Namun, kali ini aku putuskan, bahwa aku tidak ingin lagi menyakiti. Aku berharap bisa berhenti melukai.

Terkadang aku merasa dunia ini tidak adil. Ketika ada dua insan yang pandai mempertahankan segalanya yang mereka miliki, maka angin berhembus seakan tidak memberi restu. Mengapa dua insan yang sudah memiliki harapan akan masa depan harus dimusnahkan keadaan? Ketika dua insan bertemu dengan maksud ingin bersatu hingga akhirnya bisa mengucap janji untuk selamanya, mengapa harus ada perisai yang membuat cinta yang murni tak lagi berarti?

Apakah terulang lagi? Lagi-lagi ini adalah mimpi yang aku buat nyata. Lagi-lagi aku dipermainkan semesta. Sampai kapan luka yang selalu singgah? Kapan cinta yang tak mengundang air mata tinggal untuk selamanya? Mungkin di saat aku sudah selesai belajar semua tentang perjuangan. Mungkin di saat pelajaran hidup sudah aku ambil semua. Mungkin di saat aku sudah lebih dewasa. Mungkin di saat aku sudah mencintai dengan benar. Mungkin di saat aku tidak lagi punya harapan. Di situ akan ada titik terang yang menuntun aku menuju kebahagiaan.

Kali ini sungguh aku pikir akan bersama selamanya. Ternyata kekuatanku hanya sebatas ini. Aku tidak sekuat itu untuk pertahankan milikku di hadapan banyaknya selera dan nilai yang ada di dunia. Aku belum kuat untuk berdiri sendiri. Aku menyerah pada keadaan yang memaksaku untuk melepaskan segalanya. Memang aku yang terlalu lemah. Memang aku yang terlalu mudah dipermainkan oleh semesta.

Meski begitu, aku bersyukur Tuhan pertemukan aku dengan dia yang menghujani aku dengan cinta. Aku bersyukur kami pernah bertemu dan sempat mengukir kisah bahagia yang akan aku ingat selamanya. Aku tidak akan pernah melupakan satu momen pun. Semuanya akan aku kenang dalam memori yang kusimpan rapih dalam hati karena dia sudah mengajarkan aku, bahwa cinta itu sabar, cinta itu penuh, cinta itu sederhana, cinta itu tidak hanya tawa tapi juga air mata, cinta itu berawal dari tatap yang akhirnya jatuh ke hati, cinta itu menemukan keselerasan, cinta itu menerima, dan cinta itu memberi dengan sepenuh hati.

Aku belajar untuk menjadi seseorang yang lebih baik lagi. Aku sadar, aku masih perlu banyak belajar. Aku masih belum mampu untuk mempertahankan segalanya. Aku masih belum siap untuk merasa hidup. Aku mudah terombang-ambing. Oleh karena itu, aku tidak pantas berdiri di sampingnya. Aku tidak bisa penuhi keinginannya. Maka aku akan berhenti sejenak dan menutup telinga. Aku tak akan mendengar kebisingan dunia yang memekakkan telinga. Aku tak akan lagi mengucap kata cinta hingga waktu menyembuhkan semua luka yang ada. Aku tak akan lagi berharap lebih dari orang-orang yang hadir ke dalam hidupku. Kali ini, aku pastikan aku akan berjalan sendirian. Biar aku menata ulang kehidupanku. Biar aku bangun benteng untuk menjaga hatiku. Aku pastikan tak akan ada yang bisa runtuhkan benteng itu.

Aku tidak lagi berani untuk mulai mencintai. Entah sudah berapa kali aku katakan ini. Aku sampai tidak bisa berhitung lagi. Sudah berulang kali aku katakan, bahwa aku tidak akan berani untuk maju ke depan dan berharap aku bisa dapatkan cinta yang sesungguhnya. Sebelumnya, aku dijadikan pilihan kedua. Kali ini aku dicintai dengan benar, tetapi semesta membuatku hanya bisa menatap nanar. Aku kehilangan akal hingga akhirnya memutuskan untuk diam di tempat. Iya, aku akan mengunci diri. Aku akan membenahi hati hingga suatu hari nanti siap untuk mulai lagi. Hanya waktu yang tahu kapan aku akan mulai membuka pintu untuk sekadar bertemu dengan mereka yang ingin bertamu.

Maafkan aku yang lemah. Maafkan aku yang selalu saja menyerah. Maafkan aku yang lagi-lagi kalah dari semesta. Permainan ini sungguh memilukan, tetapi aku yakin ada ujung yang bahagia. Walau bukan sekarang, mungkin suatu hari nanti. Suatu hari nanti ketika matahari bersinar tidak untuk semua orang. Suatu hari nanti ketika bulan datang tidak untuk menggantikan matahari. Suatu hari nanti ketika bintang tidak lagi sembunyi di balik gumpalan awan yang menutupi cahayanya. Mungkin saat itu aku yakin aku bisa bersinar paling terang. Aku yakin hari itu akan tiba, tetapi tidak dalam waktu dekat ini. Aku tidak akan menyerah pada kebahagiaan yang ada di ujung kehidupanku. Aku tidak akan berhenti mencari, tetapi sekarang biarkan aku istirahat sejenak untuk mengisi energi. Biarkan aku menyalahkan diri supaya kelak kuat berdiri lagi.

Malam ini hatiku pilu membiru, dan butuh waktu untuk membuatnya kembali menyatu.

312 ㅡ ♕ Biarpun aku dilupakan, dijadikan pilihan kedua, dan dipermainkan oleh semesta.

1 Januari 2020, Kim Yeonji.

Aku mengawali tahun baruku dengan merasakan kekecewaan yang luar biasa. Aku sudah belajar untuk tidak lagi menaruh harapan kepada orang lain di tahun 2019. Tetapi menjelang 2020, aku lagi-lagi terlampau bahagia hingga aku lupa untuk menjaga hatiku. Kini hatiku jatuh lagi. Aku kembali menaruh harap pada sesuatu yang tak pasti. Sesuatu yang membuat aku tertatih lagi untuk kesekian kali. Tidak pernah terpikirkan olehku, bahwa aku bisa sesakit ini lagi.

Kedatangannya yang tiba-tiba membuat aku berpikir ini adalah pertanda kasih. Dia menjadikan aku seorang teman cerita. Dia membuat aku menjadi seseorang yang ceria. Dia membuat aku berpikir aku istimewa. Nyatanya semua hanya pura-pura. Ketulusan hatiku sirna begitu saja, apalagi ketika sekelilingnya bisa membuat dirinya lebih bahagia. Apalah aku ini yang hanya bisa tulus mengucap kata dan memperlakukan dia bak seseorang yang sempurna. Aku bukan siapa-siapa, maka tak pantas aku berharap lebih.

Lagi, lagi. Aku terluka lagi. Menjelang akhir tahun 2019, aku mulai melemah karena satu dan dua hal yang sempat membuatku terkejut. Meski begitu, aku tetap tegar dan berusaha untuk tetap kuat. Tetapi ketika orang yang sempat membuat hatiku remuk kembali memecahkan hatiku yang sudah aku rangkai sedemikian rupa, tangisku pecah dan pertahananku runtuh. Aku yang sudah bangkit, kini berada di titik terendah lagi. Aku terluka, kecewa, dan ingin menyerah, sebab aku mulai rapuh, tidak kuat menerima kesedihan yang datang bertubi-tubi. Oleh karena itu, aku akan menutup segalanya. Lebih baik aku menutup pintu hatiku rapat-rapat hingga tak ada yang berani masuk, bahkan mengetuk sekali pun tak akan aku persilakan. Aku akan mengunci kastil kecilku dengan baik. Aku akan menjaga hatiku dan hanya akan menerima perasaan yang aman. Aku tidak akan terbuai oleh kenyamanan yang fana. Aku tidak akan lagi berusaha untuk mencari dan menerima. Aku hanya akan merangkul diriku sendiri.

Jika kamu mengenal aku lebih dalam, kamu akan tahu seberapa aku selalu memberikan yang terbaik. Aku tidak ingin menganggap diriku adalah orang yang baik, tetapi aku berani menjamin bahwa aku selalu tulus, karena aku percaya, apabila aku tulus kepada orang lain, maka orang lain pun akan memperlakukan aku dengan tulus juga. Apakah karena aku terlalu tulus, mereka yang ada di sekelilingku menganggapku mudah dan lemah? Mereka berulang kali membuat aku merasa hancur sehancur-hancurnya. Mereka yang tidak pernah aku bayangkan bisa memperlakukan aku dengan rendah, ternyata memendam perasaan ingin menghancurkan diriku. Jujur saja, inilah alasan mengapa aku tidak berniat berjalan keluar kediamanku. Aku tidak tahu harus bagaimana. Aku hanya berusaha mencintai orang-orang terdekatku dengan sepenuh hati, tetapi mereka selalu melupakan aku... menganggap aku tidak pernah ada. Mereka hanya mengingat dan membutuhkan aku di saat mereka dalam kesusahan, tetapi di saat mereka bahagia, aku tidak pernah ada di sana. Bukan masalah, sebab hatiku sudah penuh, apabila mereka bahagia.

Aku tidak kecewa pada diriku dan hidupku. Aku sudah banyak belajar tentang kehidupan, sehingga aku bisa memunculkan perasaan bangga pada prinsip dan pilihan hidupku. Aku hanya kecewa pada perlakuan mereka kepadaku. Secara sengaja maupun tidak, aku tidak tahu dan tidak ingin peduli. Aku hanya khawatir, jikalau suatu hari mereka diperlakukan sama seperti bagaimana mereka memperlakukan aku, apakah mereka sanggup? Aku rasa mereka akan lebih terpuruk dariku. Mereka akan meronta-ronta, mempertanyakan kesalahan apa yang mereka perbuat kepada Tuhan. Aku tidak akan seperti itu, karena aku tahu Tuhan sayang padaku. Maka dari itu, aku diperkenalkan dengan begitu banyak perasaan yang tidak pernah bisa aku bayangkan sebelumnya bisa terjadi padaku.

Aku sangat bersyukur kepada Tuhan karena sudah membuat aku memulai tahun dengan kecewa. Aku jadi bisa mempersiapkan diriku lebih baik lagi untuk menjadi seseorang yang lebih kuat dari sebelumnya. Perasaan dilupakan dan dianggap tidak ada memang adalah satu hal yang sangat menyakitkan, tetapi aku tidak akan memperlakukan mereka sama seperti apa yang sudah mereka lakukan padaku. Aku akan tetap berbagi kasih kepada siapa saja yang aku temui. Aku akan berbesar hati dan tetap belajar untuk menjadi seseorang yang lebih baik lagi.

Aku tidak akan pernah berhenti untuk belajar di kehidupan ini. Setiap harinya aku akan terus berkembang karena aku tidak pernah takut dipermainkan oleh semesta, sebab aku percaya hatiku akan semakin kuat dan aku bisa mendapatkan apa yang sudah aku tanam selama hidupku. Jadi, aku hanya berharap aku tidak menyerah di tengah jalan. Tahun 2020 baru saja dimulai, biarlah kesedihan dan kekecewaan ini berakhir sampai di sini. Kuatkan aku dan bantu aku agar aku bisa tetap menjadi diriku yang tulus, bahagia apabila orang lain bahagia, dan bersyukur setiap harinya. Biarpun aku dilupakan, dianggap tidak ada, dijadikan pilihan kedua, dan dipermainkan oleh semesta, aku akan tetap bersyukur dan berjuang agar aku bisa menjadi seseorang yang lebih bahagia lagi.

Terima kasih sudah menjadi kuat. Tetap jadi dirimu yang tulus. Jangan pernah berubah hanya karena sekelilingmu meminta kamu untuk meredupkan cahayamu. Tetap pancarkan cahaya kasihmu dengan tulus. Kamu adalah seseorang yang penuh. Kamu dipenuhi cinta. Jangan lupa bahagia.

311 ㅡ ♕ Aku berdamai denganmu, diriku.

“Aku ingin menemukan kedamaian dan kebahagiaan dalam hidup, maka aku mencoba mengenal diriku lebih dalam dan pada akhirnya, aku berdamai dengan hatiku.”

Aku terjebak di antara mereka yang bersikukuh membuatku mengambil jalan yang tak kuyakini. Kedua kaki jenjangku melangkah dengan berat setiap mentari membangunkanku dari indahnya sebuah mimpi yang nyaman kutinggali. Setiap embusan napas membawa terbang sebuah harapan akan datangnya titik terang yang menuntunku untuk bertahan. Tangis air mata seringnya menjadi hadiah bagi diri yang terjaga dalam kesepian malam saat mereka terpejam.

Aku tak berdaya, namun apa daya tak mampu bersuara.

Aku tak ingin, namun apa mungkin aku berani musnahkan seluruh harapan.

Pernah terpikirkan untuk berhenti, namun tak pandai aku menyakiti.

Pernah terbayangkan untuk berlari, namun tak mampu aku berdiri sendiri.

Banyak hal membuat titik air menetes. Banyak hal membuat isak tangis menemani malam. Banyak hal terjadi tanpa permisi. Ingin bersuara, tetapi lidah kelu. Ingin biarkan hati bicara, tetapi hanya air mata bantu ungkapkan rasa. Ingin merangkai kata, tetapi benak tak mampu genggam erat sebuah pena.

Terjebak dalam pikiran akan ketakutan hilang dari ingatan, hati kesal tunjukkan ekspresi. Terjerat dalam emosi yang begitu membuat tubuh meringkuk, kedua sudut bibir mengarah ke bawah seakan melupakan cara tersenyum.

Jika diperbolehkan bicara, ingin sekali menegur bibir yang selalu membicarakan hal yang terlalu membuat hati ciut. Tidak terluka, hanya pedih tergores. Jika diperbolehkan ungkapkan rasa, ingin rasanya meminta sebuah perhatian tanpa adanya perbandingan. Tak memaksa, hanya berusaha menenangkan hati. Jika diperbolehkan menangis, ingin membuat mereka menatap pedihnya hati yang tergores, batin yang terluka, dan senyum yang pudar tanpa pernah tertangkap pandang. Tidak meminta belas kasih, hanya ingin sepasang mata masing-masing sadar akan suara hati yang menitikkan air mata.

Ketakutan merajalela diri akibat cemas tak mampu menggapai bintang yang sama. Akankah perlakuan berbeda diberikan? Keresahan membuat sepasang netra tak siap untuk bermimpi. Akankah takdir menuntun ke jalan yang berbeda?

Terlalu lelah untuk mendengar. Terlalu sakit untuk kembali diulang. Terlalu cemas untuk menatap masa depan. Terlalu rendah menatap diri.

Bermimpi saja sudah tak berani dilakukan. Masa depan tak tentu arah. Akan ke mana, akan pergi ke mana, akan sampai di mana, dan harus bagaimana. Banyak pertanyaan terlontar tanpa harapan akan menemukan jawaban, dan hanya keheningan malam yang menemani.

Kembali, rasa perih di dada tak mampu membuat diri berpikir jernih. Ingin terdiam seribu bahasa, namun kelopak mata tak ingin berteman. Air mata mengalir, meski dalam usaha membangun pertahanan diri untuk tegar. Ingin menyimpan saja, namun kotak hati sudah terlalu penuh dengan hal yang sama setiap waktunya. Jeritan hati membuat air terus mengalir membasahi kelopak mata.

Sudah terlalu lelah membiarkan. Sudah terlalu lama memendam. Sudah terlalu kesal meratapi. Sudah terlalu sakit untuk melangkah.

Tak ada waktu untuk membicarakan kehidupan, terutama milik seseorang yang tak pernah menggapai sesuatu yang cemerlang. Tak ada tempat untuk beristirahat, terutama bagi seseorang yang tak memiliki tujuan. Tak memiliki tujuan dan mimpi, ternyata lebih letih.

Aku terdiam, mengurung diri di kamar.

Aku berpikir, mengingat seluruh suka dan duka yang telah kulewati.

Sebuah perasaan nyaman yang dulu kurasakan saat bersenda gurau, bersama dengan waktu yang bergulir pun perlahan ikut melipir. Ke mana rasa itu pergi?

Sebuah perasaan aman yang dulu kurasakan saat berkumpul, bersama dengan titik air hujan yang jatuh pun perlahan sirna. Ke mana rasa itu sekarang?

Aku merasa hancur, babak belur karena ulahku sendiri.

Aku terlalu sering merasa rendah untuk bahkan menengadah memandang langit, merasa diri tak berhak memandang ratusan bintang yang bersinar terang dengan tegar meski gelapnya malam memeluk erat.

Selalu bertanya-tanya, “Apakah aku pantas bahagia?”

Selalu mengambil kesimpulan, “Aku tidak pantas dicintai.”

Lambat laun, aku merasa begitu buruk, dan dalam keterpurukan itu, aku membuka hati untuk mencari diriku yang tenggelam seorang diri, dan ternyata … aku menemukan bahwa aku tak sendiri. Aku menemukan mereka di sana.

Ternyata, selama ini, aku yang tak pernah membuka pintu, membuang semua kebahagiaan dan tenggelam dalam pikiranku sendiri.

Kenyamanan yang selama ini kurasa telah lenyap, ternyata selalu merengkuhku dalam diam.

Kebahagiaan yang selama ini kurasa hanya hadir dalam mimpi, ternyata memiliki bentuk nyata dalam hidup.

Aku hanya harus merasa puas dengan segala hal yang kulakukan tanpa pernah sekalipun putus asa. Aku, pantang menyerah.

Aku mencoba berdamai, dengan harapan pandanganku akan hidup dapat berubah karena benar adanya, mereka ada untukku. 

Harapan mereka, adalah harapanku. 

Kebahagiaan mereka, adalah kebahagiaanku. 

Aku, hanya perlu berdamai dengan diriku.

“Berdamai dengan diri sendiri sama saja seperti mencintai diri sendiri. Ingat, kita semua pantas bahagia.”

307 ㅡ ♕ Time Capsule: Ten Years From Now

To: Han Jinhee, 31 years old.

Dear me,

In 10 years from now, you'll be 31 years old. Hopefully you have found your soul mate and you are married. I truly hope that you have found someone you love and please be with someone who loves you just the way you are; someone who takes a good care of you; someone who really wants you in his life. Are you happy right now? I wish your answer would be a yes since today and ever since I have gone through so much struggle, I really want you to stand strong and always be happy. Don't ever let anyone bring you down, and don't ever stop smiling because you know that you're beautiful. You have such a beautiful heart and a pretty face to be proud of. You have been doing great. You have been thinking positively. You have been living a good life. Your mindset is amazing and I want you to keep being like that. Remember that you are not a disappointment. Remember that you are special. You can dance, sing, and play guitar. You can write stories; poems; songs, and you like to read good quality books. You can speak 4 languages. You are smart. No one can be like you. You are strong enough. You are enough. I want you to know that when you were 21 years old, you have gone through so much struggle that left scars and pain in your soul, but I know that in 10 years from now, you have overcome everything and you even become someone better. You are a happy woman. You are beautiful just the way you are.

If you happened to marry someone who treats you bad, remember that this is not the end. Everything can change if you're willing to try. Even if you are the one who works hard trying to change your life to be happier and better, that's fine, as long as you try. You know God will always be with you. Don't ever stop trying. Everything will be better in the end. If it's not a happy ending, then it's not the end. I really want you to marry someone you love and someone who really wants you in his life. If you happened to marry The One, then Thank God, you're doing great. You'll be fine. You'll build a little family under the name of God and I believe you will teach your children the true meaning of love. But, if you didn't end up marrying anyone, or still haven't found your The One until now, it's truly fine. That means I know my family issue still there and be a burden. That's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame your life. You are fine. You are okay. Don't be disappointed. Don't give up. You are living a good life. Focus on your career and be a happy woman. You are a special woman whom no one can get just by offering something unworthy. You are worth chasing and you are worthy to feel the best man's love. You are being really good. So, one thing that I want you to always remember, don't look back and ask why, but staring straight to the future because what matters most is the future. You have such a bright future, and you'll be just fine living your life all alone without any man beside you, because you are strong enough to make yourself happier and better. Don't ever forget that God will guide you, always. I love you, me.

I have something important to tell you. If you're married and God gives you children, you will have to remember these things I've written down here for you. This is a reminder for you to be a better mom and make your children happier than ever. You're doing great, I bet, but trust me, once in a while you need to read this; to remind you that you've gone through so much in the past, and you know that you don't want your past that you've gone through to be the future for your children. So, read slowly, and rewind all the things. Without tears, okay?

First, be a mom who thinks positively about your children. See the good things in what they they do, praise them regularly, and trust them that they can be what they want to be. Let them do what they want to do even if you think that's gonna hurt them, because that way, you'll teach them that they can try hard and fall, but you're always gonna be beside them, embracing them, showing your love through your support. I want you to be a supportive mom. If your daughter likes singing and dancing, let her be in a dance community, let her be a student of  a dance school, make her proud that she can sing by praising her whenever she sings. If your son likes sports, then let him be the best of the best by letting him learn more about playing basketball or soccer. Let him be the boy at school who has many girl fans. Let your children shine by being a supportive mom, so that your children can be opened to you about their feelings and personal lives. 

Second, you can get angry, but remember not to say harsh words that can hurt their feelings. Don't ever say something that can make they lost their confidence. Don't ever think that just by saying harsh words, they can realize and be a better person. No, it's a big no. Because of you being harsh, you're just making the gap bigger. Embrace them. Ask them why, and always try to come up with a solution instead of wanting your children to be the best children by themselves. They can't learn by themselves. You have to be their role model. You have to teach them the true meaning of love. Mother love. Maybe they can be like you, learning something by themselves, but don't let them learn everything alone because you'll lose them. You'll forget that you have to guide them and be beside them. You'll forget that you need to be by their sides even if they don't need you. You'll be erased by them. Your presence won't be strong anymore. So, I want you to stand beside them. Don't say something hurtful, but embrace them, hug them, and just say that everything's gonna be alright and they can tell you everything because you will never judge them. You'll hear their stories from A to Z and you'll be a mom who ruffles their hair and pats their head while saying that mommy gonna be there for you through ups and downs, so don't ever give up on life, because whatever it takes, mommy will be there for you, cheer you up, and love you all the way. Praise them, because they have gone through hardships, but still standing straight. Tell them that it's okay to cry, because that means they have feelings, they can feel the pain, and that what makes them stronger. There's always rainbow after the rain, so there will be better things happened in the future. Believe it or not, I trust you. I know you can be a better mom, an amazing mom, and a mom that your children adore. I believe in you, so you should try and always believe in yourself too.

Third, don't force your children to be what you want them to be. Ask them what they want. You can guide them, but let them choose their right paths. If your son wants to be a doctor, then let him be one even if you know that things would get hard for him, but trust him, let him be one. If he failed and wanted to give up, don't raise your voice, calm down, smile, and embrace him. Tell him that he has gone through so much until this time; where he stands right now, encourage him to continue by making him reminiscing the days when he really wanted to become a doctor. Instead of raising your voice or even show your anger to him, make him realize that he actually wanted to be doctor ever since he was a kid. If he really wanted to be a successful man, he would continue his studies, but if it didn't happen according to the plan, then ask him, what exactly he wants in life. Guide him so that he would be someone better; someone that matters in this world. But always remember not to raise your voice. You've gone through such dilemma, so I bet you already knew the feeling. Don't do the same mistake. You have to be a better mom. No pressure, do it with love and God will be by your side. Listen to your children's stories and be there for them. Don't say harsh words. Don't raise your voice. Be there for them, and be a mother for them. You're gonna be okay and they'll be fine. You'll build a happy and better family.

Fourth, when your daughter reached the age of falling in love, don't make her stay at home. Let her mingle with her friends, but teach her to value her body and life. Teach her to be a lady who has class. Teach her to be polite. Make her realize that she is a special woman. Let her gets to know men. Encourage her when she's afraid of being in a relationship. Don't say that "no one will love you if you're being like this" but say "you're beautiful just the way you are, so just be yourself" because you'll make her hate herself if you say harsh words. You'll make her scared of being in relationship, moreover scared of making her own little family. She will be super sad, so remember not to say something like that. She will end up hating you, and you don't want that to happen right? Believe me. She wants to find her The One, so you should teach her and guide her, instead of locking her in a room and making her lose all of her confidence to mingle with men. When she's feeling low, don't let her stay in the dark all alone, but embrace her, be there by her side even without words. Just by being there for her, you already showed your support in whatever she's going through or whatever she's doing. She might not be as strong as her classmates, but she's your daughter, that means you'll have to worry more about her mental and emotional feelings more than anyone. You have to understand her. You have to try putting yourself in her shoes because even though you're her mother, she has her own battle and it is definitely different from what you've gone through in the past when you were around her age. Everyone has their own battles, so you have to embrace her and tell her that everything is gonna be alright. Be there for her and don't ever let her feel worthless. If she wants to cry, make sure she cries in your embrace. 

Fifth, your children are your priorities, so don't compare them with any other child. Everyone has their own capacity and capability of doing things. You have to remember that. Love your children. Although they're not perfect, but they are the children of your future; the children from your womb. So if you insult them, that means you're insulting yourself. Remain calm whenever they make mistakes, and teach them with love. Be a true mother, instead of only a mother. Your children will be a better woman and man in the future if you let them fly. Safe place isn't always good, they need to grow in a dangerous environment to be a better person. It is okay to set them free, but by being there for them, you know that they will always reach out to you, and they will never want to make you disappointed. So, I believe, they will do their best to make you proud even without you knowing; without you wanting; and without you saying anything. They will respect you because they love you, not because you tell them to love and respect you. You know that is true.

I don't know what to say anymore. I just want you to be happy first, so that you can meet your The One, if you haven't met him until you're 31 years old. Love yourself, love your life. You are a special woman, and you're beautiful just the way you are. 

I love you, Jinhee. I will always love you. 

From: Han Jinhee, 21 years old.

306 ㅡ ♕ 나는 행복해야 한다.

다이어리 안녕! 

날 보고싶지? 난 널 너무 보고싶었어... 근데 현실이 이제 달랐으니까 행복하게 살아야지! 안그래? 이제 와서 미안해. 드디어 왔어... 내가 잘지냈으면 좋겠지? 어~ 난 잘지냈어. 그래서 걱정마...

그거 알아... 나 이제 너무 행복해. 우는 시간이 없어. 믿어지지 않아도 난 진짜 괜찮아. 어~ 다 괜찮아졌어 그래서 너도 행복할수 있어. 그래... 행복하자!

근데 나 가끔... 아직 여러가지 일은 많이 생각하고 있거든. 오늘밤도 똑같아. 내 미래 어떻게 될지 진짜 모르겠네...

내가 가는 이 길이 어디로 가는지... 어디로 날 데려가는지... 그곳은 어딘지... 알 수 없지만 오늘도 난 걸어가고 있네. 사람들은 길이 다 정해져 있는지 아니면 자기가 자신의 길을 만들어 가는지... 알 수 없지만 이렇게 또 걸어가고 있네. 나는 왜 이길에 서 있나? 이게 정말 나의 길인가? 이길의 끝에서 내 꿈은 이뤄질까?

무엇이 내게 정말 기쁨을 주는지... 돈인지... 명옌지... 아니면 내가 사랑하는 사람들인지... 알 고 싶지만 아직도 답을 내릴수 없네. 자신있게 나의 길이라고 말하고 싶고... 그렇게 믿고... 돌아보지 않고... 후회도 하지 않고... 걷고 싶지만 아직도 나는 자신이 없네. 나는 무엇을 꿈꾸는가? 그건 누굴 위한 꿈일까? 그 꿈을 이루면 난 웃을 수 있을까?

지금 내가 어디로 가는 걸까? 나는 무엇을 위해 살아야만 하는가?

난 항상 행복 해지고 싶어... 너도 알지? 근데 네가 알아? 난 원래 행복했던 애잖아... 이제 깨달았어 난 행복한 여자야. 처음부터 지금까지 항상 행복해. 사랑을 많이 받고 난 내 자신을 믿고 사랑하고 있어 그래서 이제 날 걱정하지마. 난 행복하게 살 수 있어서 너도 행복해라.

오늘은 여기까지야. 잘자 내 친구. 너는 착하고 예쁘고 똑똑하고 순수하고... 충분해. 

기억해... 난 널 너무 사랑해. 굿나잇!

305 ㅡ ♕ Nothing heals the past like time, and they can't steal the love you're born to find.

To: Han Jinhee

I look up from the ground to see your sad and teary eyes. You look away from me, and I see there's something you're trying to hide. And I reach for your hand, but it's cold. You pull away again, and I wonder what's on your mind. And then you say to me you made a dumb mistake. You start to tremble, and your voice begins to break. You say the cigarettes on the counter weren't your friends. They were my mates, and I feel the color draining from my face. And my friend said, "I know you love her, but it's over, mate. It doesn't matter, put the phone away. It's never easy to walk away, let her go. It'll be alright."

So I still look back at all the messages you'd sent. And I know it wasn't right, but it was fucking with my head. And everything deleted like the past, it was gone. And when I touched your face, I could tell you're moving on. But it's not the fact that you kissed him yesterday. It's the feeling of betrayal, that I just can't seem to shake. And everything I know tells me that I should walk away. But I just want to stay. And my friend said, "I know you love her, but it's over, mate. It doesn't matter, put the phone away. It's never easy to walk away, let her go. It'll be okay. It's gonna hurt for a bit of time. So bottoms up, let's forget tonight. You'll find another and you'll be just fine. Let her go."

But nothing heals the past like time. And they can't steal the love you're born to find. It'll be alright.

From: me

304 ㅡ ♕ I'm a shining solo.

To: me 

Innocent and delicate. I'm tired of pretending. I'm done.

What are you up to? Where are you? Did you eat? Good night.

Baby, darling, honey, I miss you. It's all useless.

You got me like. This is not a touching love story. No romance, no sincerity. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. From today on I'm a shining solo. 

Used to be your girl. Now I'm used to being the GOAT. You're sitting on your feelings. I'm sitting on my throne. I ain't got no time for the troubles in your eyes. This time I'm only looking at me, myself, and I. I'm going solo. I'ma do it on my own now. Now that you're alone, got you looking for a clone now. So low. That's how I'm getting down. Destined for this and the crown. Sing it loud like, this is not a touching love story. No romance, no sincerity. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. From today on I'm a shining solo. 

I'm a shining solo. I'm going solo.

After the relationship, romance, emotion, there's breakup, tears, regret, longing. I like being alone, because I should be true to myself. Like the flowing wind. Like the stars above the clouds. I want to go far away, I want to shine brightly. 

Now I'm going solo. I'm a shining solo. I'm going solo. 

From: Han Jinhee

303 ㅡ ♕ You were brave yesterday, you are brave today, and you’ll be braver tomorrow.

To: Han Jinhee in 2019

Hi, hello, 안녕.

This is gonna be a quick reminder for you. Even if there’s no one standing beside you right now, remember that I will always be there for you. You’ll be okay. You’ll do well. You’ll get to do what you love. You’ll be the best version of yourself, and no one could ever bring you down. If today you don’t feel like talking to anyone, then don’t force yourself. You don’t live to please others. I’ll remind you once again that you are perfect just the way you are. You are loved, and you deserve the whole world. If there are people who make you feel uncomfortable with yourself, leave them, darling. Why? Because you have to love yourself more. You are more than you think you are. You are stronger than you think you are. You’ll survive this world. 

No one could ever drag you down because you are now walking your own path. You’re now enjoying your life to the fullest. You can stand strong alone. You were brave yesterday, you are brave today, and you’ll be braver tomorrow. You don’t need anyone to stand beside you because even if you are alone, you can do everything you like and you can be happy. Being happy is a state of mind. You are happy. You have found your happiness. It’s within you. You have loved yourself even more now and that’s what makes you stronger than ever. You won’t be crying because of small things anymore. You’ll be fine with people come and go from your life. That’s a part of learning. That’s life.

This is gonna be the most important thing that I want you to remember. Please be with someone who loves you just the way you are. Be with someone who makes you happy for no reason. Be with someone who makes you feel loved. Don’t be with someone who only makes you lose your confidence. Don’t be with someone who values you only because of your looks, your stuffs, and your outfits, but be with someone who sincerely making an effort to get to know you better. Yes, effort, not just by words, but real efforts, not excuses. Be with someone who makes you feel special, not with someone who loves making others feel the same as you. Be with someone who sincerely wants to build dreams with you, not with someone who only placing you as an option. I know you. I know what kind of person you are. When you want to be with someone, you’ll go with that person no matter what happens, but it’s extremely hard to make you fall for someone since you actually don’t really believe in what they called love. Well, especially when a man already stepped on a boundary you have built, like making you lose your confidence by saying words you don’t like to hear, making you hate yourself, or just simply doing things you don’t like by being impolite, and I know when you don’t like it, you’ll leave everything behind, even if you have thought for a brief moment that you might end up with this person. No one knows what’s ahead, no one knows the future, but I’m sure you’ll end up with someone who makes you happy, not with someone who only makes you feel insecure. It’s not easy to make you fall head over heels because you’ve come to a realization that you love yourself more, so you want the person you’re dating to love you sincerely for who you are, not for what you are. You have the power. You are strong. That’s what I like about you. You are a strong character.

So, don’t mind others. This is your world. This is your life. You can be whatever you want. Live this life by being who you are. God creates you with lots of talent and you are perfect for Him, so don’t let others bring you down. You don’t need people to value your existence, but you have to love yourself even more because no one is ugly, and no one’s life is bad. You just have to change your perspective of seeing things in life. If today you see yourself as a bad luck person, then go to your room, lock the door, and talk to God. You’ll find peace and you’ll be okay.

Trust me. Believe in yourself. In 2019, you are going to achieve something and when you re-read this letter, you’ll smile, because you’ve done something really great. I’m writing this when I’m just settled down everything. I’ve prepared plans for you in 2019 and I hope you like it. I hope you’ll enjoy life by doing all my plans. You don’t need anyone to make you happy, darling, because you have the power to be happy. You are such a nice person, and I know you’ll get everything nice in the future. Just so you know, I’m leaving all the toxic things, toxic people, toxic state of minds behind to come this far. You’ll be very happy in 2019, and don’t forget to thank me later.

From: me in 2018

302 ㅡ ♕ It’s enough to chase and be chased.

To: Han Jinhee

I’ve analyzed lots of stuff. All the things he did to you, all the words he said to you were completely something you avoid. The words he said sometimes become a little hurtful and what he did sometimes makes you feel uneasy. At first, you thought that would be interesting to try going out with a person like that, but deep in your heart, the score is zero. Am I right? At first, you thought he might be the one, but now you know he’s just a passerby. Well, things got complicated at some point, and there was the time when you seriously thought about everything. You thought you liked him when you actually not. You thought you have found your happiness when you actually not. You thought he might be the one for you, but he’s actually not. You two are most likely strangers to each other, I guess, so I think you don’t really have to explain everything in words since I know you don’t like going straight to something unclear. You also don’t like being the one who thought both of you had something when you two actually not, so I’m gonna let you leave him be.

You’ve learned more things about life. You are now loving yourself even more. You are more confident, and you’re more beautiful since you’re happier. It’s really a nice decision to stop everything and going back to where you used to be. Being alone is not a crime. You are stronger alone, so why bother wanting someone to stand beside you? It’s a nuisance. You are surrounded by lots of great people like your family, your friends, and all the people who taught you how to survive in this cruel world. So, all you need is yourself going really strong because you have the power to live proudly.

You know what, I think it’s a nice decision to forget everything and start doing things that make you happier. Even if it means you’re going back to your routine, but it’s better than keeping toxic people in your life and doing toxic thing that isn’t your style. It’s a perfect decision to start over. You’ll be okay. You’ve done well. You’re doing great. I’m proud of you.

It’s enough to chase and be chased. I know you’re tired of everything. Because of that, I want you to shut people out, and start thinking about your own future for now because I want you to be happier first. I want you to be that one person who resonates happiness to others. Well, if they think that you might reconsider everything, then they need to give up since I know you will never going back and you’ll never turn your head when you’ve decided to move forward. So, keep this in your mind that you can do it! You can be whatever you want. Build your dreams and make them all happen. Don’t forget to do everything with love because God loves you so much, so you have to love yourself even more.

From: me

301 ㅡ ♕ It’s my decision to decide.

To: Han Jinhee

Being in love isn’t like this. Wake up, and start analyzing some things. It’s about give and give, not give and take. If it’s about taking for granted, then it is not right to keep moving forward. You will have to stop everything and close the book. Stop writing another chapter that isn’t going anywhere, but only breaking your heart. You deserve to be a decision, not an option. You deserve to be loved.

It’s no use to going back doing all the sweet things since I know you’ve done thinking and you’ll start working on what’s written in your plans for 2019 soon. It’s too late. It’s now my decision to decide.

From: me

300 ㅡ ♕ Carilah dia yang mampu membangkitkan versi terbaik dari dirimu yang selama ini terlelap.

Teruntuk, diriku; yang seringkali merindu.

Ini pesanku untukmu, diriku.

Kamu harus tahu bahwa dirimu pantas dicintai.

Kamu lebih dari apa yang kamu bayangkan.

Kamu harus bahagia walau dengan air mata.

Kamu kuat.

Kamu yang terbaik.

Kamu pernah membayangkan indahnya dicintai sepenuh hati oleh seseorang, bukan? Ah, bukannya pernah lagi, melainkan aku tahu, kamu terlampau sering membayangkan hal itu hingga ketika tangan tak sampai, maka kamu terjatuh begitu dalam. Oleh karena itu, di sini aku akan menyadarkanmu bahwa nyatanya hidup tak akan sesuai dengan harapanmu, sebab Tuhan tidak akan memberikan segalanya yang kamu inginkan, tetapi Tuhan akan memberikan segalanya yang kamu butuhkan. Kamu harus tahu itu, aku.

Lantas, untuk apa kamu mendambakan kehadiran sosok yang hanya akan menjadi pelengkap hidupmu saja di saat kamu bisa hebat dan kuat tanpa siapa pun di sampingmu? Carilah dia yang mampu membangkitkan versi terbaik dari dirimu yang selama ini terlelap.

Percayalah padaku, kamu bisa bahagia.

Girl, perfectly her, broken and hurt. Soft and asleep in the morning gray. Shake off the night and don't hide your face. The sun lights the world with a single flame. I want you to see this. Today and all of your days, I'll wear your pain, heal what I can in your troubled mind. Sometimes our bodies will hurt for some time, and the beauty in that can be hard to find. I want you to find it. So run, wake up and run, my little one. I wanna tear down these walls that can't hold you inside, rip out the cords and uncover your eyes. We'll make our escape in the dark of night. I need you to see this. Girl, you'll see the world, and you'll come to learn that falling in love is a strange work of art. All of your battles will shape who you are, and know that your scars are my favorite part. I want you to know this.

Good bye, to you.
From someone, me.

195 ㅡ ♕ Past, Present, Future.

Hello, little sunshine. Good morning. I'm writing this on phone in 04:31AM with AKMU's Last Good bye on repeat.

Are you dreaming right now? Or, a nightmare suddenly brought you back to life? Or, you still haven't slept and you just don't know why?

If you chose the third one, then you are me.

I am wide awake. Not because of watching k-drama like i usually do when i messed up my sleeping schedule. But, i'm thinking. Contemplating life, imagining myself in 2017.

Yeah, right. It's now 2017 yet i still haven't set my goals for this year. I've been deeply drown in my thoughts. For some reason, i'm too afraid to make my life goals. Frightening, i might not achieve anything. If wanted to look back, i've been a very childish person ever. I dropped lots of tears back in 2016 on simple things. Though it was indeed hurt for me. I was living in pain everyday. I blamed people for my choice. And i just realized now that i was being stupid all the time. I was given a chance to improve myself. A chance to seriously work hard to be the best, but i slipped that away and kept on believing that everything was wrong from the start. If i worked hard, surely i would be better. Not just in education, but in living as a human being. I feel like i've wasted my first year of being a freshman in college just because of my perception of thinking. I've been very stubborn, and i know that's all because i was too afraid to see that they were right. They know that i'm qualified for this major. So they gave me the choice to be someone better than i was. To be someone people can look forward to. I hate myself for being stubborn, a cry baby, and everything. I hate myself for never really trying so hard to reach the top. I've tried everything i could to survive. But, if i really threw back time, it was only 50% of me trying hard. Half of me, wanting to quit real soon. I've never really put myself inside what i was doing. I've never really loved what i was doing. I, hate myself. I feel ashamed. I've been a disgraceful person to my own life. My regret is not all about education, but also my social life. I've been closing my book. I wrote things, but in the end that was all because of me why they didn't and never lending out a hand to reach me since i was the one who closed the door. I feel sorry to myself in 2016. Why, just why were you making yourself isolated by your own loneliness? You said that you wanted to be more lively and turned down everyone who looked down on you. I'm sorry, you. I'm sorry, me.

Today, January 15th 2017. I'm writing this just to remind myself that i won't be making the same mistakes again. I'll be loving all the things that i need to do, all the things i want to do and also all the things i'm doing right now. I'm gonna do everything with my whole heart. I'll be doing those all with pride, love, and smile. Thanks for everyone who helps me be me today. I surely am really grateful to have you all around me to hold me when i fall, to lend a shoulder when i'm about to cry, to teach me how to smile when i forgot how to and the last, to always be beside me whenever i need someone to rely on. Thank you, guys. Whoever reading this, yes that's you. You are a part of someone special in my whole 2016 journey. I've been very awful, but then you guys are still here with me. Thank you, tons of luck for you in 2017 and may happiness be surrounding you. Amen.

Speaking of my goals in 2017. Yet, i still haven't figured out what i'm gonna do to search for what they called true happiness. You know, somewhat like doing something to make you feel alive. I've never found that. I keep on believing that as time goes by, i would definitely find it. But, if i didn't seek for it, i wouldn't get anything. I've learnt through my journey last year. I got nothing to be cherished. I got, nothing. So this year, i'm gonna take myself a whole different new level of living life. I'll take risks. I'll try some other things that i'm always afraid to do. I'll learn, learn and learn. I'll be someone who never gets tired of learning because that's the reason i'm living my life in a whole different level from before.

Be someone who is brave enough to take risks. Be someone who is living life breathlessly. Be someone who seeks for true happiness by doing lots of different things. You have to be rich, rich in experiences. So never ever take anything as a failure. You deserve to turn all the lemons life has given you into a delicious lemonade. You deserve to work your ass off to achieve what you want. You've been trying hard last year but that's not enough. You gotta need to be sure on what you do, put your heart inside and just screw them who tries to bring you down by saying sarcasm words on the things you think is right for you to do. Screw them. Who cares. You are the one living your life, not them. Show them who leads the way to your own stories. You can be someone better. You can be someone who you want to be. You are, you.

Dream, believe and make it happen.

You have the right to be happy. You were a happy kid, and you still are a happy kid. Never forget that. Wear your best smile and show them that you deserve the world. Have a happy day!

And, good night!

158 ㅡ ♕ Butterfly, I hope it doesn't take long.

It’s not your fault if you shake when the wind blows. I’m the one who couldn’t hold onto you so don’t be sorry. You came to me, who didn’t deserve you, and shared your warmth.Everything has cooled now but I’m still so thankful.

Don’t worry, we just came back to how it was before. My world was always dark before you came. If there’s one thing I can’t do no matter how much I try. It’s my lips that call out your name, I hate it but it makes me sad.

I got my falling heart back up again, saying I’m OK. But truthfully, I couldn’t throw anything away, I’m so weak. Please come back, don’t leave me, I couldn’t even say those easy words because your wings that flew away from me were so beautiful.

I hope it doesn’t take too long. So I can see you no matter how far away you are. I’m okay with that so you can beautifully fly away. My butterfly, my butterfly, my butterfly, I hope it doesn’t take too long. 

157 ㅡ ♕ Whoever I meet, it’s so so.

I’m not picky. But, I’m not attracted to anyone. I go out once or twice, keep in touch for a few days. But, only awkward air flows between us. It’s so frustrating, it’s so strange. Why things don't turn out well?

What is the problem?

I do get jealous of couples (they must be happy). But, I’m not lonely (it’s bearable). My phone is quiet, my weekends are empty. I just hate being in front of the TV. I’m so curious, it’s so cool. Falling in love. Everyone, but me is doing it.

Whoever I meet, it’s so so. Being alone is so so. My heart’s not fluttering but I don’t feel bad (so so). I’m losing my senses, I’m forgetting how to love. I don't remember.

Where are you? what are you doing? Have you even been born yet? Come to me now, the one that is for me. Wanna hug you, the moment i see you.

I make an effort, but it’s so so. I try, but it’s so so. My heart’s not moved. It’s not fun, it’s just so so (so so). I don’t even remember when the last time my heart raced. I wanna like someone. I wanna be in love.

65 ㅡ ♕ 왜? Why?

Not good enough.

Not attractive.

Always one step behind everyone's back.

Always left behind.

Beautiful no.

Perfect hair no.

흥 왜....

*current mood*

55 ㅡ ♕ Love Book, 17.

So here I go,
Takin' the curve
But I know that I'm never alone
I think of you,
And how you never let me go.

 

 

Hellooooo! Today is a good day i could say hhe! idk what to post today cause nothing's good or bad. So then i come up with an idea to post what my sister gave me as a present for my sweet seventeen birthday last year on 2014. It's a scrapbook that made with full of love and i'm super grateful to have her as my sister.

Here's the lovely scrapbook!

Love book.

 

I love the girl here hhe! cute right?

smiles a lot.

Our precious moments together.

We called ourselves, "sisters forever."

she knows me well........well hey ken *blushes*

love them and........myself.

my ohana.

grateful for her.

we're like a twins.......

.........we are The Jung Sisters.

*inserts many many love there*

I feel connected
Protected
It's like you're standing right with me all the time

 

 

ATTENTION!

This is her back guise.

Wanna see her face?

One.

Two.

Three.

There.

TADA!

My fashionista sister is in da houz.

You hear me
You're near me
And everything else is gonna be alright

 

 

We fight a lot, 

cause we act like a stupid kid all the time.

But we spend some time to talk, 

letting our hearts speak.

And we end up hugging tight, 

cause love always lead us home.

 
Cause nothing can break this
Nothing can break this tie
Connected inside.

 

I know i'm annoying. I always hurt you with my words or actions. I'm so far far away from being a lady. I haven't gotten to be a mature sister even if i'm now 17. But trust me, i'm trying to be one. You never get bored to remind me which way to choose. You always stand by my side to help me from falling even if your sharp words that come out. I know you do that to help me be more mature everyday. You're such a friend, a mentor, a listener, a korean-buddy, a fight buddy, a lover, a family and i could proudly call you....my sister. Love you so much and I know words cannot describe how I feel about you....how I need you....how I care about you. Never get bored of reminding me and never get bored of me xoxo. Saranghae!

 a short letter for bigsis, 

Your annoying sister teehee!

 

Everytime that I breathe,
I can feel the energy
Reachin' out,
Flowin' through,
You to me and me to you
Wake or dream,
Walk or stand,
You are everywhere I am.
Seperate souls, unified
Touching at the speed of light.

In the name of sisters. 

Luvya!

42 ㅡ ♕ xoxo

HAPPY NEW YEARRRRRR!!! BOOOOOOM xx yup 2:05 here and i'm still writing this. Sleepy yes. I spent my December 31st with my best, Bom. It was unexpected that she could come to my house and spent some time here before spending another time later with our friends on 12AM for celebrating new year. My parents indeed liked her as my friend lol be happy cause that means you're accepted as my bae.

Celebrating new year with friends tonight gave me a new and fresh feelings. I felt happy seriously happy. Idk it's just i love how people gather around together, laughing together and be happy together. I feel loved. PS; this is the first time i spend my new year with my friends hm i hope this isn't the last time and can continue for years later. Amen. Hehehe. 

Sometimes i feel envy cause people who hurts me get to be more happy now. They hurt people but they say for themselves that they're hurt as well. Well.....they're the one who be happy first than me. Sometimes just sometimes it scares me how people can get what they want once they hurt me. I mean it's like a nice thing to leave me behind and then be happy. That's crazy how life offers you so many things to let you down and hate other people. But here i am, never hate them for doing that. Let them be happy now and i'm sincere always, i never lie. It doesn't matter who's the one who feel the happiness first but the one who smiles till the end that matters. I wish it's me and it should be me!!! cause i know i deserved to be happy.....right? Gulps. Yeah! I am:)

Joohee sheepishly approached him who was standing alone by the river when she arrived. "Hi." Well and then she got his answer. She smiled like a kid hm hopefully without anyone knowing. She didn't talk much with him in that event of them but she was happy cause she got to meet him. Maybe he even never imagined how he could make someone's heart goin crazy but he did. "pssst...don't tell anyone about this." She told her heart and then laughed all alone. She drunk a little cause she was too happy. She couldn't get to drink more, no more beer there. Sighs. "Happy blah blah!" She lifted her hand up high to have a high 5 with him lol in the end they always played around. He pretended to comb his hair like a cool guy and she pretended to rub her eyes. But....they finally did the high 5 after a long time. "Happy blah blah too!" Super. Super happy indeed. She felt like it was the best nuyir event she had ever been in her life. It maybe didn't mean a thing for him....but for her it was everything. She couldn't imagine anything else. She could just stand up and tell him that she liked him. Likeyew.

Goodnight! xoxo

41 ㅡ ♕ BOOM DADA DUAR!!!

Helloooooo! So it's 12:34 now. I'm gonna start to write down all my resolution for 2015. I think it's now the right time to think about my future. 

"2015 is gonna be my year." All time my favorite quote to start a day in a new year. Well 2014 is not my year and i hope 2015 will be full of happiness and also i hope it's my year.......my perfect year to seriously be happy and ykno wat i min.

"I need to lose weight." 2014 i lost so many weight. I maintain my body to be not-to-big and not-to-slim. I eat fruits at school everyday and i hope my weight will be stay like this or maybe get more skinny. I mean skinnier is better right hhe! I hope i don't gain weight and lemme get a beautiful body pls. 2015 be good yeah! 

"I want to graduate with a proud heart." In 2015, i hope i can focus more on my studies. Mom and dad already told me to be more focus since i'm on my 3rd year in high school and they wanted me to make them proud with my scores later. So yeah i hope i never give up on studies and always try my best till i success later! Fighting! 

"Lemme feel loved." This is not for someone but for everyone. I want to be loved by everyone. I want to be remembered by everyone. I don't wanna get a hater. I don't wanna get forgotten by people i loved. I want them to know my existence and never left me behind. I love how people get close to me by sharing stories cause i can get to know more about them. I'm happy cause by them doing that, i know they feel my existence. So pls love me, have me around and let's be happy together! 

"Lemme laugh out loud till my ass off." Make me smile and laugh i'll love you. Pls 2015 i just want to be happy and spend some more time with my bests. I don't wanna have tears falling from my face. I wanna seriously be happy! I wanna laugh till i cry. Let happy people be my happy pills and let them make me laugh!

"Never expect things." This is the new quote and the new mindset for me. I love this cause it's true. Why? Cause i know good things come when you least expect them........so yeah let's keep dreaming and be prepared also from falling! Lemme know what to do in 2015. Give up? No i just wanna be someone more mature so no give up, but let go. Before anything happened, just lemme be happy by doing what i love now. I'm happy, i already felt happy. I beg for more happiness in 2015.

Another resolution?? Lemme think first.......good night! 잘자.

Good luck van!