195 ㅡ ♕ Past, Present, Future.

Hello, little sunshine. Good morning. I'm writing this on phone in 04:31AM with AKMU's Last Good bye on repeat.

Are you dreaming right now? Or, a nightmare suddenly brought you back to life? Or, you still haven't slept and you just don't know why?

If you chose the third one, then you are me.

I am wide awake. Not because of watching k-drama like i usually do when i messed up my sleeping schedule. But, i'm thinking. Contemplating life, imagining myself in 2017.

Yeah, right. It's now 2017 yet i still haven't set my goals for this year. I've been deeply drown in my thoughts. For some reason, i'm too afraid to make my life goals. Frightening, i might not achieve anything. If wanted to look back, i've been a very childish person ever. I dropped lots of tears back in 2016 on simple things. Though it was indeed hurt for me. I was living in pain everyday. I blamed people for my choice. And i just realized now that i was being stupid all the time. I was given a chance to improve myself. A chance to seriously work hard to be the best, but i slipped that away and kept on believing that everything was wrong from the start. If i worked hard, surely i would be better. Not just in education, but in living as a human being. I feel like i've wasted my first year of being a freshman in college just because of my perception of thinking. I've been very stubborn, and i know that's all because i was too afraid to see that they were right. They know that i'm qualified for this major. So they gave me the choice to be someone better than i was. To be someone people can look forward to. I hate myself for being stubborn, a cry baby, and everything. I hate myself for never really trying so hard to reach the top. I've tried everything i could to survive. But, if i really threw back time, it was only 50% of me trying hard. Half of me, wanting to quit real soon. I've never really put myself inside what i was doing. I've never really loved what i was doing. I, hate myself. I feel ashamed. I've been a disgraceful person to my own life. My regret is not all about education, but also my social life. I've been closing my book. I wrote things, but in the end that was all because of me why they didn't and never lending out a hand to reach me since i was the one who closed the door. I feel sorry to myself in 2016. Why, just why were you making yourself isolated by your own loneliness? You said that you wanted to be more lively and turned down everyone who looked down on you. I'm sorry, you. I'm sorry, me.

Today, January 15th 2017. I'm writing this just to remind myself that i won't be making the same mistakes again. I'll be loving all the things that i need to do, all the things i want to do and also all the things i'm doing right now. I'm gonna do everything with my whole heart. I'll be doing those all with pride, love, and smile. Thanks for everyone who helps me be me today. I surely am really grateful to have you all around me to hold me when i fall, to lend a shoulder when i'm about to cry, to teach me how to smile when i forgot how to and the last, to always be beside me whenever i need someone to rely on. Thank you, guys. Whoever reading this, yes that's you. You are a part of someone special in my whole 2016 journey. I've been very awful, but then you guys are still here with me. Thank you, tons of luck for you in 2017 and may happiness be surrounding you. Amen.

Speaking of my goals in 2017. Yet, i still haven't figured out what i'm gonna do to search for what they called true happiness. You know, somewhat like doing something to make you feel alive. I've never found that. I keep on believing that as time goes by, i would definitely find it. But, if i didn't seek for it, i wouldn't get anything. I've learnt through my journey last year. I got nothing to be cherished. I got, nothing. So this year, i'm gonna take myself a whole different new level of living life. I'll take risks. I'll try some other things that i'm always afraid to do. I'll learn, learn and learn. I'll be someone who never gets tired of learning because that's the reason i'm living my life in a whole different level from before.

Be someone who is brave enough to take risks. Be someone who is living life breathlessly. Be someone who seeks for true happiness by doing lots of different things. You have to be rich, rich in experiences. So never ever take anything as a failure. You deserve to turn all the lemons life has given you into a delicious lemonade. You deserve to work your ass off to achieve what you want. You've been trying hard last year but that's not enough. You gotta need to be sure on what you do, put your heart inside and just screw them who tries to bring you down by saying sarcasm words on the things you think is right for you to do. Screw them. Who cares. You are the one living your life, not them. Show them who leads the way to your own stories. You can be someone better. You can be someone who you want to be. You are, you.

Dream, believe and make it happen.

You have the right to be happy. You were a happy kid, and you still are a happy kid. Never forget that. Wear your best smile and show them that you deserve the world. Have a happy day!

And, good night!