310 ㅡ ♕ Ada aku yang merindu.

Jangan hanya menunggu.

Tak perlu meragu,

sebab di balik sendumu,

ada aku yang merindu.

309 ㅡ ♕ Aku memang begini, tak suka hal-hal tinggi.

Ini adalah kisah tentang angan dan kenyataan.

Bukan tentang dia yang tanpa sadar membuatku jatuh cinta, kemudian menghempaskan diriku begitu saja. 

Semua begitu indah, sampai suatu hari dia mematahkan sayapku, dan mencampakkan aku kembali ke tanah. 

Aku pernah bermimpi; seorang pria menghampiriku yang sedang duduk sendirian di sebuah taman.

Tanpa kawan; aku memang sedang tenggelam dalam pikiran tentang angan. 

Dia mampir dengan maksud menjadi titik akhir dari seluruh penantian panjangku.
Setidaknya, itulah yang aku harapkan menjadi satu alasan pasti mengapa dia datang ke dalam hidupku. 

Aku tak peduli siapa dia, setampan apa rupanya.

Aku tak memimpikan seorang pangeran berkuda putih datang membawa emas dan berlian.

Aku pun tak berangan ingin dihujani pujian dan harta kekayaan.

Aku tidak butuh semua itu.

Bohong, pasti ada yang merasa aku hanya melakoni peran.

Atau, memang sudah diucapkan untuk menceramahiku.

Sungguh, telingaku panas.

Aku memang begini, tak suka hal-hal tinggi.

Hanya akan memilih dia yang mencintai sepenuh hati.

308 ㅡ ♕ Dia hanya terlalu mudah pahami manusia bisa berubah.

Aku punya cerita

tentang dara

yang mudah suka,

kata mereka.

Sesungguhnya,
dia hanya terlalu mudah

pahami manusia bisa berubah

kala sedang jatuh cinta.

ㅡ dia,

puan penikmat rindu

yang ditinggal melulu

sebab jalannya lurus;

tak harap muluk.

Hanya sederhana,
jika kamu baca,

cukup ketahui sesuatu,

dia tak akan minta ini itu.

Tampaknya justru sebab itu

semua hanya berlalu

tanpa coba pahami

isi relung hati.

Bukan masalah,

tenang tak sampai luka.

Hanya lelah,

jadi tak perlu singgah.

307 ㅡ ♕ Time Capsule: Ten Years From Now

To: Han Jinhee, 31 years old.

Dear me,

In 10 years from now, you'll be 31 years old. Hopefully you have found your soul mate and you are married. I truly hope that you have found someone you love and please be with someone who loves you just the way you are; someone who takes a good care of you; someone who really wants you in his life. Are you happy right now? I wish your answer would be a yes since today and ever since I have gone through so much struggle, I really want you to stand strong and always be happy. Don't ever let anyone bring you down, and don't ever stop smiling because you know that you're beautiful. You have such a beautiful heart and a pretty face to be proud of. You have been doing great. You have been thinking positively. You have been living a good life. Your mindset is amazing and I want you to keep being like that. Remember that you are not a disappointment. Remember that you are special. You can dance, sing, and play guitar. You can write stories; poems; songs, and you like to read good quality books. You can speak 4 languages. You are smart. No one can be like you. You are strong enough. You are enough. I want you to know that when you were 21 years old, you have gone through so much struggle that left scars and pain in your soul, but I know that in 10 years from now, you have overcome everything and you even become someone better. You are a happy woman. You are beautiful just the way you are.

If you happened to marry someone who treats you bad, remember that this is not the end. Everything can change if you're willing to try. Even if you are the one who works hard trying to change your life to be happier and better, that's fine, as long as you try. You know God will always be with you. Don't ever stop trying. Everything will be better in the end. If it's not a happy ending, then it's not the end. I really want you to marry someone you love and someone who really wants you in his life. If you happened to marry The One, then Thank God, you're doing great. You'll be fine. You'll build a little family under the name of God and I believe you will teach your children the true meaning of love. But, if you didn't end up marrying anyone, or still haven't found your The One until now, it's truly fine. That means I know my family issue still there and be a burden. That's not your fault. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame your life. You are fine. You are okay. Don't be disappointed. Don't give up. You are living a good life. Focus on your career and be a happy woman. You are a special woman whom no one can get just by offering something unworthy. You are worth chasing and you are worthy to feel the best man's love. You are being really good. So, one thing that I want you to always remember, don't look back and ask why, but staring straight to the future because what matters most is the future. You have such a bright future, and you'll be just fine living your life all alone without any man beside you, because you are strong enough to make yourself happier and better. Don't ever forget that God will guide you, always. I love you, me.

I have something important to tell you. If you're married and God gives you children, you will have to remember these things I've written down here for you. This is a reminder for you to be a better mom and make your children happier than ever. You're doing great, I bet, but trust me, once in a while you need to read this; to remind you that you've gone through so much in the past, and you know that you don't want your past that you've gone through to be the future for your children. So, read slowly, and rewind all the things. Without tears, okay?

First, be a mom who thinks positively about your children. See the good things in what they they do, praise them regularly, and trust them that they can be what they want to be. Let them do what they want to do even if you think that's gonna hurt them, because that way, you'll teach them that they can try hard and fall, but you're always gonna be beside them, embracing them, showing your love through your support. I want you to be a supportive mom. If your daughter likes singing and dancing, let her be in a dance community, let her be a student of  a dance school, make her proud that she can sing by praising her whenever she sings. If your son likes sports, then let him be the best of the best by letting him learn more about playing basketball or soccer. Let him be the boy at school who has many girl fans. Let your children shine by being a supportive mom, so that your children can be opened to you about their feelings and personal lives. 

Second, you can get angry, but remember not to say harsh words that can hurt their feelings. Don't ever say something that can make they lost their confidence. Don't ever think that just by saying harsh words, they can realize and be a better person. No, it's a big no. Because of you being harsh, you're just making the gap bigger. Embrace them. Ask them why, and always try to come up with a solution instead of wanting your children to be the best children by themselves. They can't learn by themselves. You have to be their role model. You have to teach them the true meaning of love. Mother love. Maybe they can be like you, learning something by themselves, but don't let them learn everything alone because you'll lose them. You'll forget that you have to guide them and be beside them. You'll forget that you need to be by their sides even if they don't need you. You'll be erased by them. Your presence won't be strong anymore. So, I want you to stand beside them. Don't say something hurtful, but embrace them, hug them, and just say that everything's gonna be alright and they can tell you everything because you will never judge them. You'll hear their stories from A to Z and you'll be a mom who ruffles their hair and pats their head while saying that mommy gonna be there for you through ups and downs, so don't ever give up on life, because whatever it takes, mommy will be there for you, cheer you up, and love you all the way. Praise them, because they have gone through hardships, but still standing straight. Tell them that it's okay to cry, because that means they have feelings, they can feel the pain, and that what makes them stronger. There's always rainbow after the rain, so there will be better things happened in the future. Believe it or not, I trust you. I know you can be a better mom, an amazing mom, and a mom that your children adore. I believe in you, so you should try and always believe in yourself too.

Third, don't force your children to be what you want them to be. Ask them what they want. You can guide them, but let them choose their right paths. If your son wants to be a doctor, then let him be one even if you know that things would get hard for him, but trust him, let him be one. If he failed and wanted to give up, don't raise your voice, calm down, smile, and embrace him. Tell him that he has gone through so much until this time; where he stands right now, encourage him to continue by making him reminiscing the days when he really wanted to become a doctor. Instead of raising your voice or even show your anger to him, make him realize that he actually wanted to be doctor ever since he was a kid. If he really wanted to be a successful man, he would continue his studies, but if it didn't happen according to the plan, then ask him, what exactly he wants in life. Guide him so that he would be someone better; someone that matters in this world. But always remember not to raise your voice. You've gone through such dilemma, so I bet you already knew the feeling. Don't do the same mistake. You have to be a better mom. No pressure, do it with love and God will be by your side. Listen to your children's stories and be there for them. Don't say harsh words. Don't raise your voice. Be there for them, and be a mother for them. You're gonna be okay and they'll be fine. You'll build a happy and better family.

Fourth, when your daughter reached the age of falling in love, don't make her stay at home. Let her mingle with her friends, but teach her to value her body and life. Teach her to be a lady who has class. Teach her to be polite. Make her realize that she is a special woman. Let her gets to know men. Encourage her when she's afraid of being in a relationship. Don't say that "no one will love you if you're being like this" but say "you're beautiful just the way you are, so just be yourself" because you'll make her hate herself if you say harsh words. You'll make her scared of being in relationship, moreover scared of making her own little family. She will be super sad, so remember not to say something like that. She will end up hating you, and you don't want that to happen right? Believe me. She wants to find her The One, so you should teach her and guide her, instead of locking her in a room and making her lose all of her confidence to mingle with men. When she's feeling low, don't let her stay in the dark all alone, but embrace her, be there by her side even without words. Just by being there for her, you already showed your support in whatever she's going through or whatever she's doing. She might not be as strong as her classmates, but she's your daughter, that means you'll have to worry more about her mental and emotional feelings more than anyone. You have to understand her. You have to try putting yourself in her shoes because even though you're her mother, she has her own battle and it is definitely different from what you've gone through in the past when you were around her age. Everyone has their own battles, so you have to embrace her and tell her that everything is gonna be alright. Be there for her and don't ever let her feel worthless. If she wants to cry, make sure she cries in your embrace. 

Fifth, your children are your priorities, so don't compare them with any other child. Everyone has their own capacity and capability of doing things. You have to remember that. Love your children. Although they're not perfect, but they are the children of your future; the children from your womb. So if you insult them, that means you're insulting yourself. Remain calm whenever they make mistakes, and teach them with love. Be a true mother, instead of only a mother. Your children will be a better woman and man in the future if you let them fly. Safe place isn't always good, they need to grow in a dangerous environment to be a better person. It is okay to set them free, but by being there for them, you know that they will always reach out to you, and they will never want to make you disappointed. So, I believe, they will do their best to make you proud even without you knowing; without you wanting; and without you saying anything. They will respect you because they love you, not because you tell them to love and respect you. You know that is true.

I don't know what to say anymore. I just want you to be happy first, so that you can meet your The One, if you haven't met him until you're 31 years old. Love yourself, love your life. You are a special woman, and you're beautiful just the way you are. 

I love you, Jinhee. I will always love you. 

From: Han Jinhee, 21 years old.

306 ㅡ ♕ 나는 행복해야 한다.

다이어리 안녕! 

날 보고싶지? 난 널 너무 보고싶었어... 근데 현실이 이제 달랐으니까 행복하게 살아야지! 안그래? 이제 와서 미안해. 드디어 왔어... 내가 잘지냈으면 좋겠지? 어~ 난 잘지냈어. 그래서 걱정마...

그거 알아... 나 이제 너무 행복해. 우는 시간이 없어. 믿어지지 않아도 난 진짜 괜찮아. 어~ 다 괜찮아졌어 그래서 너도 행복할수 있어. 그래... 행복하자!

근데 나 가끔... 아직 여러가지 일은 많이 생각하고 있거든. 오늘밤도 똑같아. 내 미래 어떻게 될지 진짜 모르겠네...

내가 가는 이 길이 어디로 가는지... 어디로 날 데려가는지... 그곳은 어딘지... 알 수 없지만 오늘도 난 걸어가고 있네. 사람들은 길이 다 정해져 있는지 아니면 자기가 자신의 길을 만들어 가는지... 알 수 없지만 이렇게 또 걸어가고 있네. 나는 왜 이길에 서 있나? 이게 정말 나의 길인가? 이길의 끝에서 내 꿈은 이뤄질까?

무엇이 내게 정말 기쁨을 주는지... 돈인지... 명옌지... 아니면 내가 사랑하는 사람들인지... 알 고 싶지만 아직도 답을 내릴수 없네. 자신있게 나의 길이라고 말하고 싶고... 그렇게 믿고... 돌아보지 않고... 후회도 하지 않고... 걷고 싶지만 아직도 나는 자신이 없네. 나는 무엇을 꿈꾸는가? 그건 누굴 위한 꿈일까? 그 꿈을 이루면 난 웃을 수 있을까?

지금 내가 어디로 가는 걸까? 나는 무엇을 위해 살아야만 하는가?

난 항상 행복 해지고 싶어... 너도 알지? 근데 네가 알아? 난 원래 행복했던 애잖아... 이제 깨달았어 난 행복한 여자야. 처음부터 지금까지 항상 행복해. 사랑을 많이 받고 난 내 자신을 믿고 사랑하고 있어 그래서 이제 날 걱정하지마. 난 행복하게 살 수 있어서 너도 행복해라.

오늘은 여기까지야. 잘자 내 친구. 너는 착하고 예쁘고 똑똑하고 순수하고... 충분해. 

기억해... 난 널 너무 사랑해. 굿나잇!

305 ㅡ ♕ Nothing heals the past like time, and they can't steal the love you're born to find.

To: Han Jinhee

I look up from the ground to see your sad and teary eyes. You look away from me, and I see there's something you're trying to hide. And I reach for your hand, but it's cold. You pull away again, and I wonder what's on your mind. And then you say to me you made a dumb mistake. You start to tremble, and your voice begins to break. You say the cigarettes on the counter weren't your friends. They were my mates, and I feel the color draining from my face. And my friend said, "I know you love her, but it's over, mate. It doesn't matter, put the phone away. It's never easy to walk away, let her go. It'll be alright."

So I still look back at all the messages you'd sent. And I know it wasn't right, but it was fucking with my head. And everything deleted like the past, it was gone. And when I touched your face, I could tell you're moving on. But it's not the fact that you kissed him yesterday. It's the feeling of betrayal, that I just can't seem to shake. And everything I know tells me that I should walk away. But I just want to stay. And my friend said, "I know you love her, but it's over, mate. It doesn't matter, put the phone away. It's never easy to walk away, let her go. It'll be okay. It's gonna hurt for a bit of time. So bottoms up, let's forget tonight. You'll find another and you'll be just fine. Let her go."

But nothing heals the past like time. And they can't steal the love you're born to find. It'll be alright.

From: me

304 ㅡ ♕ I'm a shining solo.

To: me 

Innocent and delicate. I'm tired of pretending. I'm done.

What are you up to? Where are you? Did you eat? Good night.

Baby, darling, honey, I miss you. It's all useless.

You got me like. This is not a touching love story. No romance, no sincerity. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. From today on I'm a shining solo. 

Used to be your girl. Now I'm used to being the GOAT. You're sitting on your feelings. I'm sitting on my throne. I ain't got no time for the troubles in your eyes. This time I'm only looking at me, myself, and I. I'm going solo. I'ma do it on my own now. Now that you're alone, got you looking for a clone now. So low. That's how I'm getting down. Destined for this and the crown. Sing it loud like, this is not a touching love story. No romance, no sincerity. I'm sorry, but I'm not sorry. From today on I'm a shining solo. 

I'm a shining solo. I'm going solo.

After the relationship, romance, emotion, there's breakup, tears, regret, longing. I like being alone, because I should be true to myself. Like the flowing wind. Like the stars above the clouds. I want to go far away, I want to shine brightly. 

Now I'm going solo. I'm a shining solo. I'm going solo. 

From: Han Jinhee

303 ㅡ ♕ You were brave yesterday, you are brave today, and you’ll be braver tomorrow.

To: Han Jinhee in 2019

Hi, hello, 안녕.

This is gonna be a quick reminder for you. Even if there’s no one standing beside you right now, remember that I will always be there for you. You’ll be okay. You’ll do well. You’ll get to do what you love. You’ll be the best version of yourself, and no one could ever bring you down. If today you don’t feel like talking to anyone, then don’t force yourself. You don’t live to please others. I’ll remind you once again that you are perfect just the way you are. You are loved, and you deserve the whole world. If there are people who make you feel uncomfortable with yourself, leave them, darling. Why? Because you have to love yourself more. You are more than you think you are. You are stronger than you think you are. You’ll survive this world. 

No one could ever drag you down because you are now walking your own path. You’re now enjoying your life to the fullest. You can stand strong alone. You were brave yesterday, you are brave today, and you’ll be braver tomorrow. You don’t need anyone to stand beside you because even if you are alone, you can do everything you like and you can be happy. Being happy is a state of mind. You are happy. You have found your happiness. It’s within you. You have loved yourself even more now and that’s what makes you stronger than ever. You won’t be crying because of small things anymore. You’ll be fine with people come and go from your life. That’s a part of learning. That’s life.

This is gonna be the most important thing that I want you to remember. Please be with someone who loves you just the way you are. Be with someone who makes you happy for no reason. Be with someone who makes you feel loved. Don’t be with someone who only makes you lose your confidence. Don’t be with someone who values you only because of your looks, your stuffs, and your outfits, but be with someone who sincerely making an effort to get to know you better. Yes, effort, not just by words, but real efforts, not excuses. Be with someone who makes you feel special, not with someone who loves making others feel the same as you. Be with someone who sincerely wants to build dreams with you, not with someone who only placing you as an option. I know you. I know what kind of person you are. When you want to be with someone, you’ll go with that person no matter what happens, but it’s extremely hard to make you fall for someone since you actually don’t really believe in what they called love. Well, especially when a man already stepped on a boundary you have built, like making you lose your confidence by saying words you don’t like to hear, making you hate yourself, or just simply doing things you don’t like by being impolite, and I know when you don’t like it, you’ll leave everything behind, even if you have thought for a brief moment that you might end up with this person. No one knows what’s ahead, no one knows the future, but I’m sure you’ll end up with someone who makes you happy, not with someone who only makes you feel insecure. It’s not easy to make you fall head over heels because you’ve come to a realization that you love yourself more, so you want the person you’re dating to love you sincerely for who you are, not for what you are. You have the power. You are strong. That’s what I like about you. You are a strong character.

So, don’t mind others. This is your world. This is your life. You can be whatever you want. Live this life by being who you are. God creates you with lots of talent and you are perfect for Him, so don’t let others bring you down. You don’t need people to value your existence, but you have to love yourself even more because no one is ugly, and no one’s life is bad. You just have to change your perspective of seeing things in life. If today you see yourself as a bad luck person, then go to your room, lock the door, and talk to God. You’ll find peace and you’ll be okay.

Trust me. Believe in yourself. In 2019, you are going to achieve something and when you re-read this letter, you’ll smile, because you’ve done something really great. I’m writing this when I’m just settled down everything. I’ve prepared plans for you in 2019 and I hope you like it. I hope you’ll enjoy life by doing all my plans. You don’t need anyone to make you happy, darling, because you have the power to be happy. You are such a nice person, and I know you’ll get everything nice in the future. Just so you know, I’m leaving all the toxic things, toxic people, toxic state of minds behind to come this far. You’ll be very happy in 2019, and don’t forget to thank me later.

From: me in 2018

302 ㅡ ♕ It’s enough to chase and be chased.

To: Han Jinhee

I’ve analyzed lots of stuff. All the things he did to you, all the words he said to you were completely something you avoid. The words he said sometimes become a little hurtful and what he did sometimes makes you feel uneasy. At first, you thought that would be interesting to try going out with a person like that, but deep in your heart, the score is zero. Am I right? At first, you thought he might be the one, but now you know he’s just a passerby. Well, things got complicated at some point, and there was the time when you seriously thought about everything. You thought you liked him when you actually not. You thought you have found your happiness when you actually not. You thought he might be the one for you, but he’s actually not. You two are most likely strangers to each other, I guess, so I think you don’t really have to explain everything in words since I know you don’t like going straight to something unclear. You also don’t like being the one who thought both of you had something when you two actually not, so I’m gonna let you leave him be.

You’ve learned more things about life. You are now loving yourself even more. You are more confident, and you’re more beautiful since you’re happier. It’s really a nice decision to stop everything and going back to where you used to be. Being alone is not a crime. You are stronger alone, so why bother wanting someone to stand beside you? It’s a nuisance. You are surrounded by lots of great people like your family, your friends, and all the people who taught you how to survive in this cruel world. So, all you need is yourself going really strong because you have the power to live proudly.

You know what, I think it’s a nice decision to forget everything and start doing things that make you happier. Even if it means you’re going back to your routine, but it’s better than keeping toxic people in your life and doing toxic thing that isn’t your style. It’s a perfect decision to start over. You’ll be okay. You’ve done well. You’re doing great. I’m proud of you.

It’s enough to chase and be chased. I know you’re tired of everything. Because of that, I want you to shut people out, and start thinking about your own future for now because I want you to be happier first. I want you to be that one person who resonates happiness to others. Well, if they think that you might reconsider everything, then they need to give up since I know you will never going back and you’ll never turn your head when you’ve decided to move forward. So, keep this in your mind that you can do it! You can be whatever you want. Build your dreams and make them all happen. Don’t forget to do everything with love because God loves you so much, so you have to love yourself even more.

From: me

301 ㅡ ♕ It’s my decision to decide.

To: Han Jinhee

Being in love isn’t like this. Wake up, and start analyzing some things. It’s about give and give, not give and take. If it’s about taking for granted, then it is not right to keep moving forward. You will have to stop everything and close the book. Stop writing another chapter that isn’t going anywhere, but only breaking your heart. You deserve to be a decision, not an option. You deserve to be loved.

It’s no use to going back doing all the sweet things since I know you’ve done thinking and you’ll start working on what’s written in your plans for 2019 soon. It’s too late. It’s now my decision to decide.

From: me

300 ㅡ ♕ Carilah dia yang mampu membangkitkan versi terbaik dari dirimu yang selama ini terlelap.

Teruntuk, diriku; yang seringkali merindu.

Ini pesanku untukmu, diriku.

Kamu harus tahu bahwa dirimu pantas dicintai.

Kamu lebih dari apa yang kamu bayangkan.

Kamu harus bahagia walau dengan air mata.

Kamu kuat.

Kamu yang terbaik.

Kamu pernah membayangkan indahnya dicintai sepenuh hati oleh seseorang, bukan? Ah, bukannya pernah lagi, melainkan aku tahu, kamu terlampau sering membayangkan hal itu hingga ketika tangan tak sampai, maka kamu terjatuh begitu dalam. Oleh karena itu, di sini aku akan menyadarkanmu bahwa nyatanya hidup tak akan sesuai dengan harapanmu, sebab Tuhan tidak akan memberikan segalanya yang kamu inginkan, tetapi Tuhan akan memberikan segalanya yang kamu butuhkan. Kamu harus tahu itu, aku.

Lantas, untuk apa kamu mendambakan kehadiran sosok yang hanya akan menjadi pelengkap hidupmu saja di saat kamu bisa hebat dan kuat tanpa siapa pun di sampingmu? Carilah dia yang mampu membangkitkan versi terbaik dari dirimu yang selama ini terlelap.

Percayalah padaku, kamu bisa bahagia.

Girl, perfectly her, broken and hurt. Soft and asleep in the morning gray. Shake off the night and don't hide your face. The sun lights the world with a single flame. I want you to see this. Today and all of your days, I'll wear your pain, heal what I can in your troubled mind. Sometimes our bodies will hurt for some time, and the beauty in that can be hard to find. I want you to find it. So run, wake up and run, my little one. I wanna tear down these walls that can't hold you inside, rip out the cords and uncover your eyes. We'll make our escape in the dark of night. I need you to see this. Girl, you'll see the world, and you'll come to learn that falling in love is a strange work of art. All of your battles will shape who you are, and know that your scars are my favorite part. I want you to know this.

Good bye, to you.
From someone, me.

299 ㅡ ♕ 나는 사랑받는 자격이 있어.

나 이제 그만할래. 혼자 그 마음 가지고 있어서 너무 힘들어다니까 그래서 나 이제 아무것도 안해도 돼지?

뭐 어때서? 나 혼자도 괜찮아. 원래 혼자였어. 익숙해졌어. 너 없이도 살수있어. 잘난 척 하지마. 잘난 척 좀 그만하라고. 너 별로야, 진짜 별로. 나도 널 이제 원하는 마음이 없어. 그래서 그만해 우리. 너 계속 이러면 난 너무 힘들어. 그만해 이제...

근데 이유는 뭘까? 아무리 생각해봐도 다 이해 할수 없어. 나 확실히 알았는데 나 꼭꼭 숨어서 누구도 문 열어 줄순 없어 근데 넌 들어가고 싶다고 말했어. 흔들렸어 그땐... 그래서 그 문 나도 모르게 너 한테만 열었어. 내가 시작부터 믿었었는데 너 들어가고 싶다는거 진심이야. 근데... 뭐지? 아니였나봐... 정말 지친다. 이제 너에게 못가. 나는 너 한테 그냥 좋은 친구만 생각해. 이렇게 널 위해 잠은 시간와 눈물도 너에게 줬어 지금까지 결국 너 한테는 그 모두 다 아무것도 아니지? 내 마음도 너에게 줬다는거 별로지? 그래서 네가 나빠. 더 더 나빠.

부족해서 미안해. 난 그냥 행복해지고 싶다는 여잔데 널 진심으로 좋아했었어. 날 사랑하는 사람이 없어. 아무도 없어. 항상 혼자라서 다시 시작할 생각이 없어 근데 네가 내 옆에 있잖아... 위러워하지도 않아. 그 외로움을 잊고 있어서 행복해졌어. 너 때문에 제일 예쁘게 미소를 나왔어. 아... 예뻐? 난 너 한테 그냥 친구였어 시작부터 그지? 내 말이 맞지? 그래서 네 눈에는 난 예뻐지도 않아.

날 안아 주지마. 날 잘해 주지마. 다 거짓말이야. 그만해... 제발. 처음부터 내 탓이였어. 나는 왜 널 위해서 문을 열었을까? 네가 원하는거 그냥 친구 사이잖아 근데 난 바보같이 너만 계속 바라보고 있어.

그래서... 이제 그만하라고. 그만해. 끝이야. 난 이제 더이상 상처를 살고 싶지 않아. 나는 사랑받는 자격이 있어. 이제 나는 남자들을 쉽게 믿어지지가 않아... 더 알아내야지 믿으면. 남자는... 내가 신뢰할수 없는 유일한 사람이야.

나는 너 한테 못가. 내가 못가니까... 네가 와주면 안돼? 네가 생각하는 그런 애가 아니야. 근데 널 좋아해서 미안해. 그동안 너무 감사했어. 누군가를 다시 진심으로 사랑 할수 있을까? 아... 다시는... 안해. 지친다. 함들어. 무서워.

298 ㅡ ♕ They don't realize that I'm thinking of you.

I know where to lay. 

I know what to say.

It's all the same.

I know how to play. 

I know this game. 

It's all the same. 

Now, if I keep my eyes closed, he looks just like you. 

But, he'll never stay, they never do. 

Now, if I keep my eyes closed, he feels just like you. 

But, you've been replaced. I'm face to face with someone new.

Would have gave it all for you, cared for you. So tell me where I went wrong.

Would have gave it all for you, cared for you. My lover, my liar.

Would have trade it all for you, there for you. So tell me how to move on.

Would have trade it all for you, cared for you. My lover, my liar.

They don't realize that I'm thinking of you. 

It's nothing new.

297 ㅡ ♕ Aku tak akan menjadikanmu pemilih, tetapi diriku yang akan memilih.

Di saat aku tak mengharapkan kehadiranmu,
kamu datang dengan wajah sendu,
seakan mengungkapkan rindu; 
mengisyaratkan tak ingin melepasku.

Apa-apaan kamu ini, 
berulang kali jadikan aku Yang Tersisih; 
tak pernah malu,
membuat aku ragu.

Biasanya, aku yang bertanya kepada diriku sendiri;

Apakah aku, yang harus selalu memperjuangkan dirinya?

Apakah aku, yang harus selalu menjadikannya nomor satu?

Apakah aku, yang harus selalu menghujaninya dengan kasih sayang?

Apakah aku, yang harus selalu memberikannya perhatian?

Apakah aku, yang harus selalu mewujudkan impiannya?

Apakah aku, yang harus selalu memanjakannya dengan cinta?

Apakah aku, yang harus selalu merindu dan jatuh sakit?

Apakah aku, yang harus selalu... 

... dan segala pertanyaan lainnya masih kusimpan dalam hati.

Kita sudahi sampai di sini karena sebentar lagi, tangis tak akan mampu berhenti.

Kita akhiri sampai di sini sebab aku tak ingin dia lagi.

Aku bertahan dengan senyuman.

Kubiarkan dia bepergian, tanpa tahu arah pulang.

Kubiarkan dia terjaga, tanpa tahu aku menunggunya pulang.

Kubiarkan dia berkelana, tanpa tahu aku menahan kerinduan.

Kubiarkan dia terluka, tanpa tahu aku sudah jatuh dan patah.

Kubiarkan dia pergi, tanpa tahu hatiku tersakiti.

Di saat aku sudah berhenti; menutup hati, berjuang pergi, berjanji tak akan kembali, kamu datang tanpa permisi, membuat hatiku lagi-lagi perih; pertanda aku masih di sini, setia menanti. 

Jangan tertawa, aku tak sedang bercanda.

Bagaimana, jika kita ubah sudut pandang kamu menjadi aku?

Bagaimana, jika kamu berada di posisi aku?

Bagaimana, jika kamu menjadi aku, yang senantiasa menjaga rindu, menantikan kehadiranmu, tanpa tahu, di mana kamu?

Bagaimana?

Di saat kamu membutuhkan aku, maka cari aku, tetapi kamu harus tahu, aku mungkin saja tak sedang menantikan kehadiranmu.

Di saat kamu menginginkanku, maka kejar aku, tetapi kamu harus tahu, aku bisa saja sudah tak lagi menginginkanmu.

Jangan mengira, aku akan selamanya setia, menunggumu berubah rasa di setiap langkah.

Jangan menduga, aku akan selalu ada, setiap kamu membutuhkan aku ada di sisimu selamanya.

Jangan membual karena aku tak lagi kenal, dirimu dalam khayal.

Saat menjadi aku, jangan lupakan kebiasaanku menanyakan kabarmu, meski kamu menjawab hanya di saat kamu membutuhkan aku.

Saat menjadi aku, jangan lupakan kebiasaanku menjadi pendengar, meski kamu tak sadar, aku memperlihatkan tatapan nanar, memerhatikanmu yang liar.

Ingatlah, satu hal, aku tak akan mencarimu dan berdiri di sampingmu lagi sebab aku tahu, kamu hanya berlari menemuiku saat kamu kesepian, mereka tak ada untukmu.

Ingatlah lagi, aku tak akan menjadikanmu pemilih, tetapi diriku yang akan memilih.

296 ㅡ ♕ Aku, untuk kesekian kalinya, tidak akan lagi mencoba berharap.

Aku bingung,
seharian termenung.

Katakan padaku yang sesungguhnya,
bisakah kamu duduk dan mulai bicara?

Sebenarnya, kamu ingin berpulang atau hanya mengulang?
Aku bukan jalan pintas; pun bukan sosok yang bisa membawamu terbang,
tetapi aku bisa menjadi seorang gadis yang mencintaimu tanpa batas.

Kali ini, aku kembali mengingatkan hatiku bahwa aku tidak akan mencoba berharap. Aku akan membiarkan semua berjalan sesuai dengan waktunya. Tak akan ada yang memaksa untuk bersama. Tak akan ada yang mempercepat yang seharusnya. Tak akan ada yang berusaha menuju akhir, dan hanya akan membiarkan waktu bergulir; apa adanya. Aku, untuk kesekian kalinya, tidak akan lagi mencoba berharap.

295 ㅡ ♕ Kubiarkan kamu hanya angan, yang kini menjadi kenangan.

Memandangmu dari kejauhan, 

aku memang menjadikanmu harapan, 

tetapi detik ini kukatakan;

aku akan menyimpan, 

membuang seluruh kenangan, 

dan melepasmu dari jangkauan.

——————————

Aku tergoda, karena kamu ada di saat aku merasa hidupku hanyalah kesialan semata.

Aku terjatuh, karena kamu menemaniku menyusun kembali hati yang sempat patah hingga utuh.

Aku terbuai, karena kamu memberiku seringaian yang menggugah hati.

Aku merasa, menjadikanmu asa, tetapi kusadari kamu terpaksa.

Aku suka, anganku kamu tak memberi luka, tetapi kamu hanya menganggapku sebagai salah satu rentetan angka.

Aku di sini, menantimu kembali, meskipun sejak awal kamu tak pernah di sini.

Kamu tidak pernah satu kali pun mencariku di tengah keramaian.

Kamu tidak pernah satu kali pun berbalik dan memelukku dalam diam.

Kamu tidak pernah satu kali pun menyuarakan kata suka, yang teramat kunantikan sebagai bentuk kejujuran.

Kamu tidak pernah suka, tetapi mengapa kamu buat aku terlena.

Kamu tidak pernah cinta, tetapi mengapa kamu perlakukan aku bak punya rasa.

Kamu tidak pernah menoleh, tetapi mengapa kamu buat aku meleleh.

Kamu tidak pernah, hanya aku.

Kesalahanku, meyayangimu sepenuh hatiku, tanpa tahu, kamu mungkin saja membawa luka yang tak mampu kusembuhkan lagi.

Ketidakberuntunganku, memilihmu di tengah keramaian kotaku, membuat hatiku risau, padahal sudah pasti sekarang kamu sedang tertidur pulas.

Kubiarkan kamu hanya angan, yang kini menjadi kenangan.

Akan aku tenggelamkan di dasar samudera terdalam, dalam diam, dan berjanji tak akan kembali menyelam.

Inginku melupakanmu, mengganti presensimu dengan yang baru, meski sulit bagiku.

Aku menjadikanmu yang pertama, tetapi kamu tidak melakukan hal yang sama.

Jika suatu hari kamu menoleh ke belakang dan mendapati aku tak lagi berdiri di sana, jangan kamu berusaha mengajakku kembali, sebab aku tak akan memilihmu untuk yang kedua kali.

294 ㅡ ♕ Tonight, I’ll send the glow of a firefly to somewhere near your window.

이 밤 그날의 반딧불을 당신의 창 가까이 보낼게요. 사랑한다는 말이에요. 나 우리의 첫 입맞춤을 떠올려. 그럼 언제든 눈을 감고 가장 먼 곳으로 가요. 난 파도가 머물던 모래 위에 적힌 글씨처럼. 그대가 멀리 사라져 버릴 것 같아 늘 그리워... 그리워... 여기 내 마음속에 모든 말을 다 꺼내어 줄 순 없지만... 사랑한다는 말이에요. 어떻게 나에게 그대란 행운이 온 걸까? 지금 우리 함께 있다면 얼마나 좋을까요? 나의 일기장 안에 모든 말을 다 꺼내어 줄 순 없지만... 사랑한다는 말. 이 밤 그날의 반딧불을 당신의 창 가까이 띄울게요. 좋은 꿈 이길 바라요...

Tonight, I’ll send the glow of a firefly to somewhere near your window. It’s that I love you. I remember our first kiss. I close my eyes whenever I can and go to the farthest place. Just like letters on the sand where waves were, I feel you’ll disappear to a far off place. I always miss you... miss you... All the words in my heart, I can’t show them all to you. But, it’s that I love you. How can I be so lucky to have met you, who is a blessing? If we’re together now, how great it’d be? In my diary, all the words, I can’t show them all to you. It’s that I love you. Tonight, I’ll send the glow of a firefly to somewhere near your window. I hope it’s a good dream...

293 ㅡ ♕ Just ignore me and pass by... before I want you more.

한번도 이런 적 없죠... 내 맘이 맘처럼 안돼요. 매일 걷던 이 거리마저도 왜 이리 꿈처럼 아름다운지? 천천히 한 걸음씩 내 심장은 그런데 너무 빨라요. 이러다 먼저 울어버릴까 봐 두려워... 혹시 알게 되어도 말하지마요... 나를 안아주지마요 이 밤이 지나가면 모든게 없어질 것만 같아요. 자꾸 그대만 보여요. 나 혼자만 가질 사랑인데 모르는 척 지나가줘요... 더 원하기 전에. 그대가 미소 질때마다 점점 더 약해지는 내 맘 아는지? 지금 뒤돌아보지말아요. 울고 있는 얼굴로 나 기억되긴 싫어. 잘가란 말 차마 하지 못해 보내고 있어. 아니... 난 보낸 적 없어요. 이미 다 알잖아요. 내가 달려갈게요... 내일이 절대 오지 않아도 견딜 수 있어요... 작은 추억만 하나라도 상관없어. 제발 나를 안아줘요. 따뜻하게 꼭 안아줘요... 원하기 전에.

I’ve never been like this before... My heart won’t listen to me. Even this street I walk on every day, why does it look so beautiful, like a dream? Slowly, step by step, I tell my heart, but it’s going too fast. At this rate, I might just cry, I’m afraid. Even if you find out, don’t tell me you know... Don’t hug me, after this night passes. It feels like everything will disappear. I keep seeing you, though it’s just me who has this love. Just ignore me and pass by... before I want you more. Every time you smile, do you know my heart gets weaker? Don’t look back right now. I don’t want you to remember my crying face. Don’t say good bye, I’m forcing myself to let you go. No... I’ve never let you go, you know this. I’ll go get you... even if tomorrow never comes, I can endure... I don’t care if it’s just a small memory. Please hold me. Warmly hold me... before I want you even more.

292 ㅡ ♕ Again today, I wash out my memories.

내 마음을 적시는 듯이 떨어지는 빗소리마저 건조해. 네가 했던 말이 거짓말이었더라도 여전히 난 널 원해. 이런 내 마음을 모를 걸 넌 기억을 씻어 내... 나는 오늘도 조금 흐림 그리고 비. 우리 둘이 처음 만난 날 같이 약간은 변덕스럽지만 전혀 거슬릴 것 없었던 소나기. 삐끗거리며 맞추어 가던 이 추억의 조각은 미완성. 넌 떠났고 난 홀로 남아. 고집부리다가 그걸 더 망쳐놨어. 이젠 씻어내야 되는 거지. 살짝 귀찮더라도 건조한 마음은 수분 없어. 욕조에 담가 놓아도 뜨거울 정도로 내 마음을 데우던 넌 없는 거잖아. 한기 가득한 내 마음을 채우던 물도 끈 거잖아. 넌 아마 wash away. 너의 입술도 너의 이름도 끝내 지우고 씻을게. I‘m gonna wash away. 오늘 날씬 맑음 그리고 구름은 가끔 끼어. 사소한 기후 변화에도 장마 내리는 것처럼 다투던 그때에 비하면 많이 나아진 듯 보이지만 슬픔을 담은 하늘빛이 노래져. 심장 박동 같던 노래도 이젠 새삼 나를 놀래켜. 돌아가고 싶진 않아 never. 날 내버려 두길 바랬던 이 전쟁마저 이젠 끝내고 싶어 forever. 넌 soap opera. 뗄 수 없을 만큼 익숙했기에 쉽지 않았어. 미지근한 일상으로 널 씻어내는 게. 아무 생각 없이 틀어놓은 따뜻한 물이 가득 찼네 욕조에 이렇게 덤벙거리기도 가끔 깜빡하는 것도 여전해. 이런 내 마음을 모를 걸 넌 기억을 씻어 내... I‘m gonna wash away.

As if my heart is being drenched. Even the falling raindrops are dry. Even if what you told me was a lie. I still want you. You probably don’t know I feel this way. Again today, I wash out my memories. It’s a little gray and it’s raining. Just like the day we first met. It was a little unpredictable, but the rain showers were not bothersome. This statue of memories that we crookedly pieced together is unfinished. You left me and I’m all alone. I was being stubborn, which ended up ruining it more. Now I need to wash it out. Even if I’m a little lazy. There is no fountain in this dried up heart. Even if it is placed in a bathtub. You used to warm up my heart to the point where it got hot. But now you’re not here anymore. You turned off the water that used to fill up my heart. You’re probably… wash away. Your lips, your name. I erase them in the end. I’ll wash it away. I‘m gonna wash away. Today’s weather is sunny and slightly cloudy. I notice the even slightest weather changes. Compared to the days when we fought like a storm. It seems a lot better, but the sky’s light turns yellow with sadness. The songs that were like my heartbeats, now they surprised me. I don’t want to go back – never. I used to hope that you’d leave me alone. I just want to end this war forever. You’re like a soap opera. Because I’d gotten so used to you that I couldn’t take you off. It wasn’t easy washing you out with my lukewarm daily life. The warm water I turned on without even thinking has filled up the bathtub. Splashing water around, forgetting things, it stays the same. You probably don’t know I feel this way. Again today, I wash out my memories.