212 ㅡ ♕ If we were meant to be together, we would eventually be together.

You always want to meet someone unexpectedly, right? And while dreaming about it, some people will certainly bring you back to reality.

So, let see, things in life might be complicated as life indeed will always be throwing you lemon, but make sure you dream big, work hard and make everything that you've always wanted to do happened in your life.

Be yourself, because when you are able to love yourself, that's the time you shine brightest.

Last but not least, if two people meant to be together, they would eventually be together. (despite the fact that our match could possibly be living in other country, doing some works that never related to us, but when you have the effort to push yourself till you hit the limit of being the brightest star, you would definitely find that one way to meet your half.)

Unexpectedly, a way to find the apple to your pie.

211 ㅡ ♕ No one is naturally boring.

Boredom is only for boring people with no imagination. — Tim Tharp

That means I shall not be bored with life since I believe we are all have our own story; fantasy and fairy tale with high imagination quality.

No one is boring, so we should not be bored.

Well, let the wild thoughts consume you to pull out the imagination within yourself that can truly save every oneself to kill times.

When doing some certain things, realize it or not, we are all being crazy almost 24/7 and I must say that it's okay to be wild and crazy.

All you have to do is pull yourself together and start wandering. Remember, wandering is not all about travelling, but it's also about understanding.

Understand yourself,

let the wild thoughts wandering around,

use your imagination to go deep,

and boredom, is nothing to worry about.

210 ㅡ ♕ Edelweiss seeds.

Words are like seeds. They have creative power. Isaiah says, "We will eat the fruit of our words." What seeds are you planting?

Me, I'll be making a garden full of Edelweiss cause I believe, with God, no other thing besides possibilities for us to live eternally in peace.

Sweet dreams, good night!

209 ㅡ ♕ I'm working to be someone who could inspire others.

I'm working to be someone who could inspire others. I'm working till someone could actually tell me that I'm such an inspiring person.

But, when will I...

This has been my greatest struggle of all years, you know the feeling when you want to impress them but actually you just want to impress yourself. You've forgotten that you needed to appreciate what you've done, not just reacting what others think about you.

Sometimes, once in a while, I forgot what's the reason for me to exist cause I keep chasing someone's dream rather than pursuing mine.

I don't know if this is a bad thing or not, but I feel pain with no time to scream. I feel pain inside my heart that I cannot tell anyone about this. I feel lonely, I feel lost.

The fact that I feel like nothing cause I definitely forgot my own dream is making me feel weak everyday. I don't know where to start and when to end. I'm their puppet and I regret why I didn't turn down their offer to make me pursue their dream before it's too late.

But now all I can do is just accepting the world the way it is, and continue living. That's all. I only have to accept the fact.

The fact that; I have to live the world they wanted me to stay and be the one they wanted me to be.

208 ㅡ ♕ Some things are better left unsaid.

Tidak pernah terlintas dalam pikiran bahwa diri akan kembali memanggil masa lalu untuk hadir ke dalam kehidupan. Sebuah pertanyaan mampu membuat kenyataan yang terpendam dalam kotak kenangan, terbuka dengan sendirinya. Tak ingin hati memanggil, tetapi tanpa sadar telah berusaha menarik suara. Tak ingin pikiran terbang ke angkasa, tetapi sayap telah siap membawa pergi diri untuk kembali ke masa-masa mendung. Tak ingin kembali pulang, namun sudah terlambat.

"Apa yang sebenarnya membuat kalian berpisah?"

Tertegun. Terdiam untuk beberapa saat. Luka lama kembali terbuka meskipun telah disembuhkan oleh waktu. Inginnya demikian. Namun, ternyata luka tersebut masih belum sembuh. Tak akan sembuh karena bibir belum berucap kata-kata mengenai alasan di balik keputusan yang diambil, dan kini, goresan tipis luka lama kembali membuat diri nyeri dan ingin menitikkan air mata. Tahan, tahan saja. Bisa, pasti bisa. Tepat sebelum bibir berucap, dering benda pipih berlayar sentuh menginterupsi. Terima kasih, Tuhan. Hati bergumam dalam diam kala sedang berbincang dengan seseorang melalui sambungan tak kasat mata, karena tak perlu langsung mengungkapkan isi hati yang telah terpendam jauh dan dalam. Aku, terselamatkan.

"Aku tidak tahu apa yang terjadi di antara kalian. Tetapi, setiap aku berbicara dengannya mengenai dirimu, dia seperti berapi-api."

Perih. Luka yang dulu sempat menjadi satu-satunya beban bagi hidup, ternyata masih saja menjadi sesuatu yang tak mampu dilupakan meski waktu berusaha menyembuhkan. Tidak menitikkan air mata rindu, hanya saja hati seperti mulai membendung air yang meluap ingin keluar. Tidak tahu kebenaran di balik sikap yang diambil saat menghadapi sebuah hubungan di masa lalu, tetapi satu yang dapat dipastikan memang terjadi, yaitu banyak hal yang tak mampu diungkapkan, banyak kejadian yang tak diperbolehkan untuk dikatakan, banyak perasaan yang membuat diri gundah, sehingga sebuah keputusan untuk berpisah menjadi satu-satunya titik terang menuju langkah yang lebih baik. Harapan memang demikian. Ingin menjadi lebih baik. Ingin hidup lebih bermakna. Terutama, berbakti. Namun, sampai detik ini, diri tak sama sekali bahagia meski raga tersenyum. Tubuh tak sama sekali bersemangat meski bibir berucap kata penyemangat. Senyum bukan lagi milik hati, melainkan milik raga yang dengan sendirinya berusaha menjadi matahari. Air tidak lagi milik mata, tetapi kini, milik kesepian, kerinduan, kepenatan, kepedihan dan kenyataan. Seperti tanpa tujuan, tak ada sesuatu yang ingin dilakukan. Kaku, bukan lagi seorang pemimpi. Tak lagi liar dalam tidur, kini kedua mata terbuka menatap kenyataan pahit hidup tanpa pegangan.

Maafkan diri yang tak siap berkata banyak ketika waktu memungkinkan untuk menjelaskan segala kenyataan yang dialami. Penakut, bukan pemberani yang rela mati demi seorang kekasih. Hidup hanya sekali, baru disadari kebenarannya. Hanya saja, semua sudah terlambat untuk disampaikan. Tak apa, bukan masalah. Tak sampai, bukan kewajiban untuk mendengarkan lagi. Namun, satu hal, terima kasih kuberikan bagimu yang berhasil membuatku bermimpi bahwa seorang pangeran itu ada bagi seseorang yang hidup dalam kebahagiaan palsu sepertiku. Meskipun sampai detik ini, aku masih tak mampu mengatakan kebenaran yang terjadi saat aku dan kamu bersatu dalam satu ikatan benang merah di masa lalu, terima kasih sudah membantuku menyadari bahwa aku belum sanggup untuk menghancurkan sangkar emas yang menjadi kediamanku. Entah kapan aku akan berhasil terbang bebas, mengejar harapan, tanpa kepalsuan. Tak paham, tak pernah kutemukan jawaban. Janjiku padamu, jika suatu hari nanti kutemukan jawaban itu dan kau masih bersedia mendengarkan, kupastikan kau mengerti alasan yang menjadi tameng bagi diriku untuk membenci dirimu... dan tentu, diriku sendiri. Kalau begitu, maafkan aku, terima kasih, dan sampai jumpa, kenangan.

207 ㅡ ♕ We are all greedy.

We are all greedy.

We never see things we already had, and always bragging about getting something that we want. The gap between what you want and the reality. Sometimes, all we need to do is appreciating what we already had, appreciating life. Always trying hard to get what we want is a pain in the ass sometimes, so we'd better try seeing things with a new perspective of mind.

In every pain that we've gone through in this life, there's always a happy pill hidden inside, and it's our job to find and cherish it.

Good luck,

from me, to you & me.

206 ㅡ ♕ You've lost the moon while counting the stars.

You miss me cause you know you have lost the moon while counting the stars.

It doesn't matter to hold on things cause once in a while, you have to try learning something different from others and understand them. I thought we could turn our relationship into a friendship which I wanted you to be more comfortable around me, and stay true to yourself. But, it's fine, every endings lead you to a new beginning.

Stop recalling memories cause the past is just the past for a reason.

A reason for us to be more grateful with everything that happened, or will happen in life.

Count the sheep and good night!

205 ㅡ ♕ Sorry, but no.

When working in groups, I am strict when it comes to responsibility, so well... I'm gonna spill something to chill out my anger.

Neglecting your works and putting the burden in someone's shoulder is A-Must-Not-Do-Thing when I Am the captain of this airship. But somehow, people just being a little unfair by forever staying in their comfort zone, and sacrificing others for their own greed. I hate the fact that I'm always being taken for granted, when I'm effortfully trying to be the nicest person in the world. Maybe, once in a while, we need to pull out the fence and start placing a wood panel which written, "Sorry, but no," on it.

Sorry, but no.

204 ㅡ ♕ Treat her like how you treat your mum.

If you think you know me, think twice.

Every girls need to remember this sentence even though just a little piece of it cause ya, men, watch out. I believe every girls deserve to be treated well, especially men need to be able to treat girls like how they treat their mums, so lovely, with love.

203 ㅡ ♕ Those who wander aren't lost.

Sometimes, you have to spend at least five minutes thinking about yourself; encourage yourself, praise yourself and start wandering, because those who wander aren't actually the lost ones.

They are just trying to find what's good inside them and those who wander, are the ones who's willing to make a change and eventually, walk forward along with life which taught them to never look back.

Life must go on.

202 ㅡ ♕ A hungry stomach, an empty pocket, and a broken heart.

A hungry stomach teaches me how to be able to appreciate every single grain of rice.

An empty pocket teaches me how to appreciate my father's sweat as he always fight for one goal, to support and favor my life, every single drop of his tears.

A broken heart makes me stronger than ever, teaches me how to appreciate myself even more.

201 ㅡ ♕ In the end, we all need to deal with loneliness.

It's kinda scary to know that everyone who stays by your side will eventually leave, and in the end, all that matters is just the memories. In the end, the only one who can accept your flaws is the one who stays. The one who accepts you the way you are deserves your best, and you deserve someone who looks at you admirably.

It's scary even sisters can part away when both already got that someone to marry. Well see, in the end, we all need to deal with loneliness.

200 ㅡ ♕ My pray, my wish.

Rather than staying calm, I tried so hard to show my palm.

Waiting for someone to hold my hand, I stayed quiet yet alarmed.

Seeing the fact that an act could make everything better, I wanted to reach the same star.

But, then I realized there is nothing in me that can make them proud.

Lied, if it didn't hurt.

Cried, if all alone.

Smiled, for the sake of better days.

Too hard, never been my card to win their heart.

If I could just say it, I would end up making it obvious that I wanted a tiny little piece given only for me.

If I could just be honest, I was afraid all the time that I couldn't be the other successful one.

If I could just shout out my heart, I was tired of holding it that you treated me differently without even knowing it hurt me.

If I could just tell everything, I was okay and you never need a way to change because I am used to it.

Being the second, I never regret.

Frightening, what if arms not long enough to reach the same highest star.

Will you keep praising the only brightest star?

Will you compare our stars?

From the deepest of my heart, I only want you to treat me the same.

My now, my future.

My time, my heart.

My pray, my wish.

My love, my home.

— 03:33AM

199 ㅡ ♕ I hope it hurts for you to remember.

Every pieces of you still remain the same, my feelings never change.

As the song we used to sing echoing inside the room, I struggled a lot.

It has never been my intention to get inside the train, going back to the pain.

But, memories brought me one step backwards to where we said, "Good bye."

I was already there when I opened my eyes, along with the tears.

Things happened for reasons, I believe.

Even if it was hurt, still hurt and will always be in pain,

I've trusted, I am trusting you and it will never change.

Though I know that everything will be in vain, in the end.

But, that's fine as long as I keep my feelings locked.

Have you ever thought what would happen if we didn't stop along the way?

Have you ever felt like coming back to where we were apart?

Have you ever been in a place where all you remembered was just our memories?

Have you ever imagined how delighted I was when we were together?

Have you ever loved me even if it was just for a second?

I hope it reaches you, my voice.

I hope I could be there for you, be your friend.

I hope we could be okay, find our way.

I hope you remember, our memories together.

I hope it hurts for you to remember.

Phone calls with no answers.

Dreaming, why still hanging.

I've had fallen too deep, no one wanted to help.

Realizing the situation, I walked to the station.

Going back home, all alone.

ㅡ 01:00AM

198 ㅡ ♕ Lahirnya Han Jinhee, 1 Januari 2017.

Detik terus bergulir, menit terus berjalan dan akhirnya, tahun pun berganti. Dua ribu enam belas tak lagi menjadi tahun penghitungan kehidupan terjadi. Tahun telah berganti dan kini, tahun yang harus dilalui adalah dua ribu tujuh belas. Mungkin, jika dipikirkan kembali ke belakang, banyak yang telah terjadi bagi seorang gadis bernama Jinhee. Kejadian menarik, kesedihan yang tak mampu diungkapkan pada siapapun, kepedihan hati karena kekecewaan, keterpurukan yang dirasa sungguh membuat hati mati rasa, sampai kepada kebahagiaan yang cukup membuat diri tersenyum.

Bertahan, satu kata yang menjadi pegangan hidup seorang Han Jinhee. Keinginan untuk bertahan, sangat tinggi. Namun, begitu sulit dijalankan. Setiap embusan napas yang keluar mengandung doa yang sama setiap harinya, yakni, "Biarkan aku bertahan." Ingin rasanya bertahan sampai diri tak mampu lagi. Ingin rasanya menjadi seseorang yang mereka anggap sempurna. Ingin rasanya membahagiakan mereka dalam kesenangan duniawi. Namun, apa daya. Apa daya seorang yang lemah dan hanya mampu berharap. Satu harapan yang pasti di tahun dua ribu tujuh belas adalah Jinhee dapat bertahan dan berjuang sekuat tenaga. Jangan biarkan dirinya lemah seperti hari kemarin. Jangan biarkan ia menyerah hanya karena tak mampu lagi bertahan. Jangan biarkan ia menangis karena kehilangan jati diri. Jangan biarkan kebahagiaan hilang dalam hidupnya.

Kehidupan tak lengkap dirasa, jika tak sama sekali berbaur dengan orang di luar lingkup. Mencari banyak kawan sudah menjadi salah satu dari banyak resolusi mereka yang menyandang julukan 'introvert' dan tentu, begitu pula dengan Han Jinhee. Hidupnya yang hanyalah seperti burung dalam sangkar emas membuat sang dara seolah menutup diri meskipun sebenarnya, ia hanya tak kuasa menahan kepedihan akan fakta bahwa kesendirian menyelimuti diri. Sebuah harapan di tahun yang baru, yaitu inginnya jendela terbuka untuk menghirup udara segar. Inginnya pintu terbuka agar mereka dapat merangkul. Inginnya senyum menghiasi parasnya yang sendu. Ingin rasanya menjadi seseorang yang dapat terbang bebas tanpa beban di pundak. Meskipun sulit, keinginan itu tetap akan menjadi satu harapan Han Jinhee di tahun baru ini. Ya, tetap harus diperjuangkan sampai kapanpun.

Ditulis tepat pada tanggal 1 Januari 2017,

Han Jinhee.

197 ㅡ ♕ Red is supposed to be the color of fate.

Red is supposed to be the color of fate, right? Even if it’s annoying now, it might connect to something good when you least expect it.

ㅡ Zen Wisteria

I've spent 2 days watching anime series called Akagami no Shirayukihime. Basically, it's all about prince charming coming into your life like you're fated to meet him and your life changed after that. But, it's also about how you live your life by depending on yourself and never forget that you have 'love' inside your heart. I have to say that this anime really impressed me. Guess what, I know that i do really love this anime since the first 10mins. It's not all about a cliché prince-ordinary girl love story. But, it does have friendship between the prince and his royal guards. Everything matters in the series and i'll end up writing long post if i wrote them all so i'll just write down some points that i get from the series.

1) Believe in yourself.

So it happened when Prince Raj wanted Shirayuki to be his concubine because she has a red hair which as red as apple. It's pleasantly beautiful since no one in town owns that kind of hair color. Hearing there's a girl in town who has that hair color, Prince Raj immediately asked one of his royal guard to meet Shirayuki and make her move to the castle the day after. But then Shirayuki believes that she doesn't want to be someone's concubine and just want to write her own story by walking on her own chosen path. So she runs away after cutting her hair to short. Leaving the hair behind, Shirayuki who doesn't have any place to go runs from her homeland and just believe in herself that she could definitely find her own path. She has faith in herself. She believes in herself. She doesn't let anyone make her think twice on what she really want to achieve. She wants herself to be proud later and say, "Ah, i've done it." And until the end, she is happy she doesn't give up on life and choose her own path by leaving her homeland, Tanbarun, because she met Zen and lives happily with him.

2) There IS fate in this world.

She runs away from home and there she met Zen Wisteria, The Second Prince of Clarines. He was out with some friends when he met Shirayuki. The two of them get along well as time goes by and that absolutely because there is love in every words they've spoken.

3) Befriend everyone.

Zen Wisteria is the second prince of Clarines but he befriends his royal guards. Mitsuhide, Kiki and Obi are his best friends and best companions. Their closeness can be seen in some scenes. First, when Zen was in pain because of eating poisoned apple, they looked extremely worried. But that's normal for everyone, right? So here i am telling you the other one that matters. When Shirayuki went missing (kidnapped by pirates) and Zen was really worried, Mitsuhide and Kiki punched Zen's back just to remind him to always think clearly and never get too fired up. It's like, you know, the feeling when you're about to do something out of control and there's someone who got your back? Yeah, that's the feeling. After that, when Obi looked so down because he failed on protecting Shirayuki, Zen's precious treasure, instead of throwing out his madness for being failed of giving Shirayuki full protection, Zen smacked Obi's head and said about not to make such a sad face since they would bring Shirayuki back together. I think that kind of gestures coming from each scenes can describe how true friendship is between them and somehow that's what everyone wants to happen in their life. I love their friendship. Also you can feel that Mitsuhide is really Zen's black knight since he always there to take care and protect his master, Zen. Mitsuhide and Zen also seem very close despite they come from different social status. Mitsuhide is only a guard. Talking about others, Kiki is just a noble's daughter and last to come, Obi is just a man living in town who's good at being a hunter. Shirayuki is a girl who runs away from her homeland and doesn't have any place to go despite she's smart and soon after arriving in Clarines, she becomes a court herbalist for the castle.

4) Be loved.

Zen is very easy-going, humorous, humble in his own way (never forget his status as a prince and also very hard-working man. He is so reliable, and responsible. I think there's lots of things that i could learn from him. I actually have learnt some things from Zen, Shirayuki, Obi, Mitsuhide and Kiki, but i think i still need more time to learn everything. They are really inspiring. Each character has its own color and i'm so grateful i clicked the title of this anime. I'm so happy i could be able to take notes on everything that happened in the series. I'm still learning to be like them, and i'm sure i'll be a better person ... thanks to Akagami no Shirayukihime.

5) Take every words from others as a motivation.

Then, please become someone i can be glad is the prince of my home country.

ㅡ Shirayuki to Prince Raj

Here i am talking about Prince Raj, eldest son of Tanbarun's King who is a lazy ass and never want to seriously show the pride of being a prince. All he knows is playing around, being bossy and never admit the fact that he would be a king for Tanbarun later. But, he changed. He could change because of Shirayuki. She dare herself to spit out what she exactly thinks about her own country's prince, Prince Raj and there, Raj ashamed of himself. It hits him right in the heart and also mind. He tries to change and it's all started from the bottom, from a simple thing to bigger matters. What i've learnt from Prince Raj is how he takes Shirayuki's words as a motivation to move forward, to be someone reliable, responsible and be someone better. It's like you're always see the world with your eyes closed but then suddenly you got the feeling of wanting to take a peek at the world with your eyes slowly but sure widen. The feeling when you want to observe, and do one or some things for people around you. It's the meaning of growing up. I'm sure it is.

Last but not least, the romance is real. It's amazing to watch simple things that usually happen in high school coming from this series. I suddenly missed my high school's love life. But, okay moving on. Simple things such as holding hands, hugging, kissing, accompany someone to sleep, talking until late night, being there for each other, taking care of each other, smiling at each other, and showing how much they love each other in simple ways. Fresh feelings, but deep meaning. I recommend you to watch this series. No need to think, just feel it and happy watching!

Oyasuminasai.

196 ㅡ ♕ 23:46

“Feeling lost most of the time. The purpose of me living is nothing if don't achieve anything. Will they treat me the same?”

— 23:46

Banyak hal yang membuat titik air menetes. Banyak hal yang membuat isak tangis menemani malam. Banyak hal yang terjadi tanpa permisi. Ingin bersuara, tetapi lidah kelu. Ingin biarkan hati bicara, tetapi hanya air mata bantu ungkapkan rasa. Ingin merangkai kata, tetapi benak tak mampu genggam erat sebuah pena.

Terjebak dalam pikiran akan ketakutan hilang dari ingatan, hati kesal tunjukkan ekspresi. Terjerat dalam emosi jiwa yang begitu membuat tubuh meringkuk, kedua sudut bibir mengarah ke bawah melupakan cara tersenyum.

Jika diperbolehkan bicara, ingin sekali menegur bibir yang selalu membicarakan hal yang terlalu membuat hati ciut. Tidak terluka, hanya pedih tergores.

Jika diperbolehkan ungkapkan rasa, ingin rasanya meminta sebuah perhatian tanpa membandingkan. Tak memaksa, hanya berusaha menyenangkan hati.

Jika diperbolehkan menangis, ingin membuat mereka menatap pedihnya hati yang tergores, batin yang terluka dan senyum yang pudar tanpa tertangkap pandangan mata. Tidak meminta belas kasih, hanya ingin sepasang mata masing-masing sadar akan suara hati.

Ketakutan merajalela diri akibat cemas tak mampu menggapai bintang yang sama. Akankah perlakuan berbeda diberikan?

Keresahan membuat sepasang netra tak siap untuk bermimpi. Akankah takdir menuntun ke jalan yang berbeda?

Ah, bisa jadi. Tak ada yang tahu jalan hidup seseorang dan satu dengan yang lainnya, pasti berbeda. Dua dari sepuluh yang mungkin melewati jalan serupa.

Terlalu lelah untuk mendengar. Terlalu sakit untuk kembali diulang. Terlalu cemas untuk menatap masa depan. Terlalu rendah menatap diri.

Bermimpi saja sudah tak berani dilakukan. Masa depan tak tentu arah. Akan ke mana, akan pergi ke mana, akan sampai di mana, dan harus bagaimana. Pertanyaan terlontar tanpa harapan akan menemukan jawaban.

Kembali, rasa perih di dada tak mampu membuat diri berpikir. Ingin terdiam seribu bahasa, namun kelopak mata tak ingin berteman. Air mata mengalir meski dalam usaha pertahanan diri untuk tegar. Ingin menyimpan saja, namun kotak hati sudah terlalu penuh dengan hal yang sama setiap waktunya. Jeritan hati membuat air terus mengalir.

Sudah terlalu lelah membiarkan. Sudah terlalu lama memendam. Sudah terlalu kesal untuk meratapi. Sudah terlalu sakit untuk melangkah.

Tak ada waktu untuk membicarakan kehidupan, terutama milik seseorang yang tak pernah menggapai sesuatu yang cemerlang. Tak ada tempat untuk beristirahat, terutama bagi seseorang yang tak memiliki tujuan. Tak memiliki tujuan dan mimpi, namun lebih letih.

Mereka berkata bahwa tak ada yang membedakan, hanya saja terlalu senang karena seseorang lainnya menggapai cita-cita idaman.

Mereka berkata bahwa akan tetap mencintai seseorang yang tak memiliki tujuan, tak perlu khawatir akan itu. Namun, tetap ada perbedaan yang dirasakan.

Akankah perlakuan yang sama diberikan, jika tak satu pun mimpi idaman digapai? Akankah diri tak terlupakan?

“I'm tired being alarmed all the time.”

— 00:26

195 ㅡ ♕ Past, Present, Future.

Hello, little sunshine. Good morning. I'm writing this on phone in 04:31AM with AKMU's Last Good bye on repeat.

Are you dreaming right now? Or, a nightmare suddenly brought you back to life? Or, you still haven't slept and you just don't know why?

If you chose the third one, then you are me.

I am wide awake. Not because of watching k-drama like i usually do when i messed up my sleeping schedule. But, i'm thinking. Contemplating life, imagining myself in 2017.

Yeah, right. It's now 2017 yet i still haven't set my goals for this year. I've been deeply drown in my thoughts. For some reason, i'm too afraid to make my life goals. Frightening, i might not achieve anything. If wanted to look back, i've been a very childish person ever. I dropped lots of tears back in 2016 on simple things. Though it was indeed hurt for me. I was living in pain everyday. I blamed people for my choice. And i just realized now that i was being stupid all the time. I was given a chance to improve myself. A chance to seriously work hard to be the best, but i slipped that away and kept on believing that everything was wrong from the start. If i worked hard, surely i would be better. Not just in education, but in living as a human being. I feel like i've wasted my first year of being a freshman in college just because of my perception of thinking. I've been very stubborn, and i know that's all because i was too afraid to see that they were right. They know that i'm qualified for this major. So they gave me the choice to be someone better than i was. To be someone people can look forward to. I hate myself for being stubborn, a cry baby, and everything. I hate myself for never really trying so hard to reach the top. I've tried everything i could to survive. But, if i really threw back time, it was only 50% of me trying hard. Half of me, wanting to quit real soon. I've never really put myself inside what i was doing. I've never really loved what i was doing. I, hate myself. I feel ashamed. I've been a disgraceful person to my own life. My regret is not all about education, but also my social life. I've been closing my book. I wrote things, but in the end that was all because of me why they didn't and never lending out a hand to reach me since i was the one who closed the door. I feel sorry to myself in 2016. Why, just why were you making yourself isolated by your own loneliness? You said that you wanted to be more lively and turned down everyone who looked down on you. I'm sorry, you. I'm sorry, me.

Today, January 15th 2017. I'm writing this just to remind myself that i won't be making the same mistakes again. I'll be loving all the things that i need to do, all the things i want to do and also all the things i'm doing right now. I'm gonna do everything with my whole heart. I'll be doing those all with pride, love, and smile. Thanks for everyone who helps me be me today. I surely am really grateful to have you all around me to hold me when i fall, to lend a shoulder when i'm about to cry, to teach me how to smile when i forgot how to and the last, to always be beside me whenever i need someone to rely on. Thank you, guys. Whoever reading this, yes that's you. You are a part of someone special in my whole 2016 journey. I've been very awful, but then you guys are still here with me. Thank you, tons of luck for you in 2017 and may happiness be surrounding you. Amen.

Speaking of my goals in 2017. Yet, i still haven't figured out what i'm gonna do to search for what they called true happiness. You know, somewhat like doing something to make you feel alive. I've never found that. I keep on believing that as time goes by, i would definitely find it. But, if i didn't seek for it, i wouldn't get anything. I've learnt through my journey last year. I got nothing to be cherished. I got, nothing. So this year, i'm gonna take myself a whole different new level of living life. I'll take risks. I'll try some other things that i'm always afraid to do. I'll learn, learn and learn. I'll be someone who never gets tired of learning because that's the reason i'm living my life in a whole different level from before.

Be someone who is brave enough to take risks. Be someone who is living life breathlessly. Be someone who seeks for true happiness by doing lots of different things. You have to be rich, rich in experiences. So never ever take anything as a failure. You deserve to turn all the lemons life has given you into a delicious lemonade. You deserve to work your ass off to achieve what you want. You've been trying hard last year but that's not enough. You gotta need to be sure on what you do, put your heart inside and just screw them who tries to bring you down by saying sarcasm words on the things you think is right for you to do. Screw them. Who cares. You are the one living your life, not them. Show them who leads the way to your own stories. You can be someone better. You can be someone who you want to be. You are, you.

Dream, believe and make it happen.

You have the right to be happy. You were a happy kid, and you still are a happy kid. Never forget that. Wear your best smile and show them that you deserve the world. Have a happy day!

And, good night!

194 ㅡ ♕ Sedikit waktu untuk menyelamatkan yang terpuruk.

Terkadang, kita memang harus mengorbankan sedikit waktu untuk menyelamatkan hidup seseorang yang sedang terpuruk. Percaya saja bahwa setidaknya ada yang rela melakukan itu meskipun hanya satu dari sepuluh.

Ketika telah melakukan itu, rasanya seperti diri sendiri juga ikut terselamatkan.

Bangga pada diri ini yang mulai membaik di awal tahun. Semoga bisa lebih baik lagi untuk kedepannya. Amin.

193 ㅡ ♕ Don't let sadness and loneliness consume your happiness.

Hello! Things might be hard these days, life might be throwing lemons at you, people might be changing as time goes by, love might be forgotten in this world, but trust me, everything happened for reasons. You just have to try thinking positively. Don't let your sadness and loneliness consume your happiness. You deserve the world. I believe, you have 'that somebody' who would listen to whatever your worries are. It's just, you are too fast to close the book, that's why you thought you had nobody.

But sometimes, you also need times to be alone. To be exactly feel how far you get drown. And that's all for you to seriously understand 'why things get hard these days' and when you've already hit that part ... that's the time when you're going to fully awake and spread your wings.

Fly, as high as you can.

And after all, all you need is yourself getting stronger. You can only rely on yourself.

It's okay to be alone, but don't ever feel lonely because you, have yourself.

Good night! Hope you feel better anytime soon.