252 ㅡ ♕ Because family, trust, and love are just meaningless words.

FUKUDA AIMI ☓ CHOI GEURIM

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable

Written by Vanny | 1,828 words

Hoping love will be perfected with only love

Hoping that all my weaknesses will be hidden in this dream that won’t ever come true

I grew a flower that couldn’t be blossomed

——————————

✦ Location: Nagoya Daini Red Cross Hospital, Japan
✦ Date: July 19th, 1994

That time, clock ticked slower than before for some reasons. One, a wife was struggling in the operation room. Two, only one of them who could survive. Because of diabetes, Mrs. Han—Han Jungjoo—only had to trust her doctor regarding the situation she went through. She fought her own self to give birth to Fukuda Family’s second child. Fukuda Hiroshi, Jungjoo’s husband, already said that it was okay not to give birth to the second child, but Han Jungjoo insisted to keep her child alive and risked her own life.

It was raining when the sound of crying baby could possibly be heard from afar. Yes, a baby girl was born. The second child of Fukuda Family was there after nine months inside her mother’s womb. But, poor baby girl... the day she opened her eyes for the first time, she had to see her father and her brother crying out loud because there would be just the three of them now. It supposed to be four, but in the end, it was all back to God’s plan. Han Jungjoo died due diabetes when delivering the baby. Because of that, Fukuda Hiroshi put his hatred of the loss of his wife on his second child.

“Sa... Sarang,” in her last minute, Jungjoo still able to mumble something.

Sarang. 
A name. 
It’s love.

And Fukuda Hiroshi named her daughter, Fukuda Aimi.

Ai means love.

——————————

✦ Location: Fukuda’s Residence in Nagoya, Japan
✦ Date: September 1st, 2008

“Can’t you just disappear from my life? Like forever? My life has already been a mess since your mother died because of you. Is it not enough for you?!” Fukuda Hiroshi shouted at Aimi.

He furiously angry by his daughter’s existence. He wanted his love, he wanted his wife back. But, no use, and after all these time waiting with longing heart, he still refused to accept the fact that his wife could never come back home.

Silence went inside the living room for a moment, accompanying the cursed daughter to hold back tears. But, that was what infuriated him the most. Fukuda Hiroshi shouted even louder, “Please, just disappear from my life. I beg you. You are not my child ever since you killed your mother with your existence here! Get a way to die, or just live as far away as you can from me! DAMN IT, FUCK OFF.” Hiroshi was drunk when he cursed at Aimi.

Yeah, we believe that people who are drunk speak only the truth, right?

Other than being cursed at, Aimi hated the way his father always looked at her with flames in his eyes. After some spiteful words came out from Hiroshi’s mouth, he grabbed a wood stick, and began to swing it with all his might. The only daughter of the family couldn’t say anything, and all she did was trying to defend herself by raising both of her arms up to cover her face from getting hit by his father. But, before any violence happened in the house, a tall man with a husky and low baritone voice suddenly became a part of the battle. His brother, Fukuda Akio, stepped into the game. He pulled out a fist and ended up hitting his father to prevent him from hurting his sister. Hiroshi fell down.

That would be amazing if he just died, suddenly Aimi stopped being herself. She was depressed, frustrated at the moment. She cried out loud with both of her hands covering her face.

“Don’t listen to him, Ai-chan.” A familiar voice could be heard clearly inside the room. Akio walked closer to his sister, tapping her shoulder and making her moved away from their screwed up father.

“I can’t, nii-chan...” More tears fell down, running through her cheeks as her face turned red. It was painful. Her heart cried along.

Imagine. What would you do if your own biological father wanted you to just die? Silence would be your answer, or tears might be your answer in these situation.

“Hey, look at me.” Akio gently grabbed both of her sister’s hands which was covering her face earlier, and made her looking straight into his eyes. “Never doubt your worth. You are loved. You are stronger more than you think you are. Ai-chan, you are amazing, brave, and wonderful.” 

In no time, a soft smile could be seen adorning Aimi‘s beautiful face. “Thank you, nii-chan.”

Akio always knew how to melt her heart. If there was only one person she could save in a doomsday, she would never hesitate to go saving her brother. He made her (at least) knew something about her name; something about love.

Actually, is this really something called ‘love’?

——————————

✦ Location: Chubu Centrair International Airport, Japan
✦ Date: December 15th, 2009

It was winter that brought her back to life. It was such a painful fact. The one she refused to believe. Well, if a time machine really existed, could you lend it for her? For her to feel some moments once again, before arguing whether her life was really a pain in the ass or not. But, no doubt, the answer was yes since the day she opened her eyes.

December 15th marked the day Fukuda Hiroshi sold his only daughter to a mafia organization, and Akio was the one who deceived Aimi to sign a contract. An adoption paper.

Without knowing anything regarding to her flight to South Korea, Aimi followed her brother, Akio, to the airport. She put her trust on his shoulder, but who knew even a brother could do something cruel to her only sister. That was what came through her mind, the moment he saw Akio handing her to some tall men dressing in black. All looked very scary, and the look in their eyes said it all, that they could kill Aimi anytime they wanted to.

Is this what they called ‘love’?

“YOU BROKE MY TRUST!” Aimi managed to shout at her brother who had already showed his back.

Family? FUCK IT.

——————————

✦ Location: Hanyang University, South Korea
✦ Date: August 22th, 2015

After spending three years of studying, the day of her graduating finally came. Ever since she moved to South Korea, six years ago, she had been raised by a mafia organization which called themselves as ‘family’ and she was a part of if as a daughter. She changed her name from Fukuda Aimi to Choi Geurim. Geurim held a simple, but deep meaning; a picture, which meant she would live her life as if she was living in every pictures painted by others.

Talking about her studies, Ai—Geurim took Interior Architecture Design as her major, so that later she could become someone who lead the family when doing their jobs; robbery, because she knew the layouts and materials used in the house. Honestly, her dream was to become a doctor, to study medicine, but life made her couldn’t follow her heart. She couldn’t do what she loves, and that’s life.

Ah, what is love, anyway?

There was no days for young Geurim to actually breath fresh air. Everything started from six years ago. The next day she knew her father sold her to a mafia organization, she went through lots of struggle for one day she could be useful to the family; for her to finally work as a thief. She was raised pretty badly. She knew violence, death, blood, since she was little, and slowly but sure, she forgot her true self. She became selfish, cold, unforgiven, and braver than she used to be. Never heard about how her father and brother doing didn’t make her want to ask for an information from an informant in the family. She would swear to God, she wanted them to just die, burnt in flames and back to ashes. Those two person were the ones who made her turned into a living puppet.

——————————

✦ Location: Silla City, South Korea
✦ Date: July 9th, 2018

Choi Geurim who was a part of the mafia organization since 2009 followed the instructions for everyone in the family to move to Silla City. She had to leave her job and would have to search for a new one in the new city.

She became more mature as time went by pretty quickly because she had no feelings for living. She always did what her family wanted her to do, because that was the only way to repay them for not killing her when she wanted to runaway six years ago. 

Well, she is indeed a living puppet.

Her frozen heart decided that she would never trust anyone. She would never fall in love with anyone. 

Because love is just a meaningless word.

——————————

✦ Location: Jeju Island, South Korea
✦ Date: xx-xx-xx, 20xx

One day, she finally believed that, “It’s not like you know all about today, just because you lived yesterday.”

She found someone whom she could really put her trust later on, and it miraculously happened when she was travelling to a very beautiful island in South Korea, Jeju Island. She was mesmerized by how he treated her respectfully, and at the first meeting, suddenly she could feel her cheeks turned into the color of scarlet. At the second meeting, she could stare at his beautiful eyes for hours and forget the cruel world ever existed. At the third meeting, she watched him like he had the stars in his hands and soft petals at his feet. At the fourth meeting, she wanted to hug him and never let go.

The cold black night pierced her very bones. She was literally paralyzed with fear when she came to a realization that she might believe in someone again, but somehow, she felt as if the whole world was on her side; made her floating on air. That was when she decided to keep going straight forward.

She was an underwater spirit, not the bold sun in the sky since she was little. She was the fish in the cool shallows, never the hawk who hunted above. She was wind-chimes in a spring breeze, never a storm to bring all the wrong kinds of excitement. But, she promised, if he'd give her a chance, in their home, she would be the warmth, the love, and the laughter.

And, she was dreaming with her eyes open. She used to dream every night, but she never dreamed anything at all ever since she met him, because she believed he was the one who would stare at her and say three crucial words, eight amazing letters, “I love you.”

251 ㅡ ♕ My shooting star, I won't ever let you go.

Is that star looking at me too? Won't it be looking at me? At me? Isn't it looking for me right now? Or is it avoiding me?

You're fainter today, so this night is meaningless to me. Even if the dark night passes and morning comes. Even if I can't see you because of the clouds. Even though I know you're still there.

Every time I can't see you, I get nervous, so I pray that the clouds will be rain and fall down.

Is there anything that shines as much as you? What if you can't hear my song because you're too far away? What I'm looking at is you. Every night, I look at you.

Did you see me with my hands gathered? Did you see me too? Or did you avoid me? I pray that you'll fall into my arms. My shooting star, I won't ever let you go. My shining star, this is just part of the journey.

All I can do right now is to believe that you're looking at me, even after you left me without a single trace. But, why is that I can see you, but I can't touch you or hug you?

250 ㅡ ♕ Don't sleep on me, my sleeping beauty.

Don't sleep. Don't wake me up.

After all this time, after all these vibes, after all these highs, we're still on this ride. Never wanna say good bye. You brought me back to life and forever it's just us.

No more you and I, never off just on. Opposite of wrong. If it was you and me against the world, I'd still like our odds. Please don't ever close your eyes on me, my sleeping beauty.

I gotta know if you're really down cause when there's smoke, there's fire. I just hope you realize that you know I believe in a thing called destiny.

So, please don't sleep on me.

The high that you're giving me is coming so strong. Head up in the clouds, it could poke the ozone. The world is a wake up, call away from the end. Till then, we'll find peace in this bed like we're Yoko and John. There's no coming home when you're not there, because together is alone when we're not a pair. My love is timeless and colorblind. I will love your black, love your brown and your white hair the same.

Be it sun or rain, be it shame or fame. My name will be yours.

Don't wake me up. I don't wanna wake up. No morning paper. No tea in my cup. No sun in my eye. No morning runner's high. No birds, no butterflies. If you're not next to me.

So, please don't sleep on me.

249 ㅡ ♕ Kita tidak selalu dapat mengandalkan kesan pertama.

Tertantang

Toni-Michelle Nell

1

✦ Kang Shinwoo x Han Jisoo ✦

Kita tidak mencintai seseorang karena rupanya, pakaiannya, atau mobilnya yang keren, tetapi karena mereka menyanyikan lagu yang hanya kita yang bisa mendengarnya.

— Sumber tidak diketahui 

Aku wanita berusia 26 tahun, lajang, dan baru saja membeli rumah pertamaku. Rumah ini adalah pembelianku yang pertama sebagai orang dewasa. Setelah menandatangani dokumen terakhir, kuputuskan untuk mampir ke beberapa rumah teman sebelum pulang untuk berkemas.

Temanku yang satu ini bukan tipe orang yang formal, jadi ketika tiba di rumahnya, aku langsung saja masuk. Ketika sampai di sudut ruang tamunya, aku sedikit kaget ketika melihat seorang lelaki yang belum pernah kutemui sedang duduk di sofa. 

Ketika dikenalkan kepada laki-laki itu, Kang Shinwoo, aku tak bisa tidak memperhatikan betapa norak caranya berpakaian. Aku memang jauh dari modis, tetapi aku terpaksa bertanya-tanya apa yang dipikirkannya ketika keluar dari rumah pagi itu.

Setelah kami duduk di ruang tamu, mengobrol dengan asyik, kuperhatikan Shinwoo tidak banyak bicara. Ibuku selalu mengajariku bahwa orang-orang yang mendominasi pembicaraan bukan saja tidak sopan, tetapi kurang ajar. Jadi, aku selalu berusaha melibatkannya ke dalam obrolanku dan temanku. Apa pun yang kukatakan kepadanya, yang kudapat hanyalah jawaban terbata-bata dan patah-patah.

Setelah beberapa jam, aku pun pulang. Banyak sekali yang harus kubereskan dan hari kepindahanku tak terasa sebentar lagi tiba. 

Beberapa hari kemudian, aku pergi membeli tirai jendela untuk rumah baruku. Sesampainya di sana, aku baru sadar bahwa obeng yang kumiliki tidak akan bisa kugunakan untuk memasangnya. Jadi, pergilah aku ke rumah temanku itu kalau-kalau dia memiliki obeng atau bor yang dapat kupinjam dari suaminya. Sesampainya di rumah temanku, dia mengatakan tak keberatan meminjamkan bor, tetapi suaminya belum pulang ke rumah usai bekerja, dan dia tak tahu tempat suaminya menyimpan peralatan yang aku butuhkan itu.

Setelah terdiam sejenak, dia mengatakan Shinwoo sedang ada di ruangan lain, dan dia akan menanyakan apakah Shinwoo memiliki bor atau tidak. Beberapa saat kemudian, Shinwoo pun muncul. Kali ini masalah bicaranya jauh lebih buruk daripada terakhir kali kami bertemu. Aku tidak bisa berbuat lain kecuali memperhatikan bahwa dia lagi-lagi punya selera berpakaian yang benar-benar payah. Perlahan-lahan dia menyampaikan bahwa dia bukan hanya memiliki bor tanpa kabel, tetapi dia juga akan ikut denganku untuk membantuku memasang tirai itu... dan dialah yang akan menyetir.

Perutku mendadak mulas, aku tidak tahu harus mengatakan apa. 

Dapatkah dia melakukan pekerjaan itu? 

Bisakah dia menyetir? 

Haruskah aku mempercayainya? 

Lagi pula, dia benar-benar orang asing bagiku.

Aku menarik napas panjang dan mengiyakan. Aku tahu bila temanku bisa menyetujui, artinya lelaki ini pastilah mampu melakukannya. Kalau tidak, tentu temanku itu sudah memberitahuku. Sambil mengharapkan yang terbaik, aku pun naik ke mobil, duduk di sisi penumpang, dan kami berangkat menempuh perjalanan pendek menuju ke rumah baruku.

Setelah kami sampai, Shinwoo menarik sebuah peti perkakas dari dalam mobil dan mengikutiku masuk ke dalam. Aku harus mengatakan bahwa aku agak terkesan. Sebelum memasang masing-masing tirai itu, dia mengukur dan memberi tanda dengan sangat hati-hati agar tidak menggores jendela-jendela baruku yang indah.

Ketika dia berpindah dari satu ruangan ke ruangan lainnya, aku mengikutinya dari belakang. Ketika itu aku sudah percaya penuh pada kemampuan kerjanya. Shinwoo bicara dengan jelas bila dia sedang membelakangiku. Hanya dalam percakapan sambil bertatap muka saja bicaranya jadi sulit dipahami.

Di jendela terakhir, dengan membelakangiku, dia mengatakan bahwa teman kami itu akan ada acara di luar pada hari Jumat. Dia bertanya apakah aku mau ikut serta. Tanpa ragu sedikit pun, aku mengiyakan. Aku sendiri terkejut, karena aku belum pernah melakukan itu sebelumnya.

Aku sama sekali tak pernah menyangka, meski jutaan tahun pun, bahwa Shinwoo akan menjadi kekasihku ketika pertama kali berjumpa dengannya. Beberapa bulan setelah kami menjalin kasih, aku membuat pengakuan kepada Shinwoo soal kesan pertamaku tentang dia. Shinwoo tertawa dan katanya dia jadi terbata-bata dan gagap hanya bila dia memandangku karena dia merasa aku adalah perempuan paling cantik yang pernah dilihatnya. Hatiku pun kembali... menghangat.

Kamu mungkin bertanya-tanya... bagaimana soal seleranya memilih pakaian? Ternyata, dia berpakaian seperti itu untuk menarik perhatianku.

Kukira kisahku ini bisa dijadikan contoh bahwa kita tidak selalu dapat mengandalkan kesan pertama. Andai saja saat itu aku mengandalkan kesan pertamaku, aku pasti sudah kehilangan kesempatan menjalin kasih selama delapan tahun dengan lelaki paling keren di planet ini.

Orang yang bahagia bukanlah yang berada dalam kondisi-kondisi tertentu, melainkan orang yang memiliki sikap tertentu.

— Hugh Downs

248 ㅡ ♕ Tak ada yang namanya kebetulan.

Kencan Petualangan Online x Perubahan Alamat

Laurel Hausman x Anji Limon Taylor

13 x 25

✦ Kang Shinwoo x Han Jisoo ✦

Tak ada yang namanya kebetulan; dan apa yang keliatan sebagai suatu kebetulan muncul dari suatu sumber takdir yang lebih mendalam.

— Johann Friedrich Von Schiller

Setelah terus-menerus “menjomblo” dan tak pernah kencan dengan siapa pun selama beberapa waktu, dengan pengecualian satu kali bencana, kuputuskan bahwa pernikahan bukanlah takdirku. Ketika menyetir pulang ke rumah dari tempat kerja di suatu malam, tiba-tiba aku menyadari sedang menatap sekilas ke langit lewat jendela depan dan berbicara kepada Tuhan, “Tuhan, aku tidak akan menikah.”

“Aku tidak sedang ingin bertemu seseorang. Aku sudah punya kehidupan yang menyenangkan. Seorang laki-laki hanya akan membuat hidup menjadi kacau. Lagi pula, kalaulah Tuhan menghendaki aku menikah, tidakkah menurutmu Tuhan lah yang akan membawakanku seseorang yang tepat pada waktunya?”

Temanku terlihat skeptis ketika memandangku lewat asap yang menguap dari cangkir cappucino kami. “Apakah tak pernah terpikirkan olehmu, bahwa Tuhan menghendaki kaulah yang mencari? Memang, kau sudah punya karier mengajar, rumah sendiri, seekor anjing Baegle, dan kemandirianmu, mungkin hubungan yang indah akan memperkaya hidupmu yang sudah nyaman.”

Aku menyimpan pernyataan itu di sudut kepalaku. Minggu-minggu berikutnya kadang-kadang kukeluarkan dan kukaji lagi, dan berdoa untuk itu, dan pernyataan itu pun kembali ke tempat persembunyiannya. Suatu hari, di tengah ritual mengeluarkan pernyataan itu, kuperhatikan bahwa kata-kata temanku itu semakin membesar. Dengan mengakar, pernyataan itu sudah menyebar seperti tanaman rambat, dan dalam cerita Alkitab tentang Ibrahim, yang mengutus pembantunya mencarikan istri untuk anak lelakinya, Ishak. Ibrahim tidak hanya duduk-duduk saja dan menggoyangkan-goyangkan ibu jari, menantikan perempuan muda mengetuk pintu kemahnya. Rencana melibatkan tindakan yang direncanakan.

“Baiklah, Tuhan,” pintaku. “Jika Engkau menginginkan aku mencari pasangan, lalu tunjukkan kepadaku bagaimana aku harus memulai pencarian, karena kukira bar, nightclub, dan di bawah batu bukanlah tempat yang Engkau kehendaki.”

Kembali ke tahun 1970. Aku berusia enam belas tahun dan sama sekali tak paham perihal kencan. Satu-satunya nasihat yang dibekalkan ibuku tentang anak laki-laki adalah, “Jangan pernah menelepon anak laki-laki duluan! Nanti kau dikira perempuan gampangan.”

Gampang dalam hal apa?

Dalam memecahkan soal matematika?

Aku menyimak nasihat ibuku, meski tak setuju. Ini kan zaman modern. Ibuku boleh saja sudah menasihatiku agar aku tidak menelepon laki-laki, tetapi dia kan tidak pernah menyebut perihal e-mail.

Suatu malam, aku mendapatkan e-mail dari seseorang yang bernama Kang Shinwoo. Dia bertanya apakah aku sudah menikah dan punya anak. Aku mulai mengetik jawaban, “Aku sedang kuliah menjadi seorang pendeta berijazah, yang kutekuni dengan sungguh-sungguh. Jadi, bila kiriman e-mail ini kurang pantas, aku akan menegurmu! Aku bukanlah perempuan yang sedang putus asa.” Keyboard komputerku benar-benar piawai! Teleponku lalu berdering.

“Halo, Han Jisoo. Ini Kang Shinwoo. Aku baru saja mengirimimu e-mail, tetapi aku sudah tidak sabar dan lebih baik telepon saja. Aku tahu kau dekat dengan Tuhan. Itulah sebabnya aku ingin bicara denganmu.” Aku tak bisa membayangkan apa yang ingin diobrolkan lelaki ini. Jadi, aku pun bersikap melindungi diri dan siap-siap menutup telepon, kalau itu memang diperlukan. Dia pun mulai bicara. “Aku tak tahu bagaimana harus mengatakannya, jadi aku akan berbicara apa adanya saja. Aku melihat website-mu tadi malam, dan setelah membaca biografimu, aku yakin kaulah perempuan yang telah lama kudambakan dalam doaku.” Shinwoo lalu bicara dalam bahasa yang dia yakin kupahami, yaitu ayat-ayat dalam Alkitab. “Jangan membatasi Tuhan, Jisoo. Karena, bersama Tuhan tidak ada yang mustahil.”

Kata-kata itu langsung menghangatkan hatiku, dan meski perasaanku tentang pernikahan masih sama, aku mau mendengarkan semua yang dia katakan.

Pada tanggal 28 April 2007, kami berjumpa langsung ditemani kopi latte. Kami sama sekali tak kesulitan menandai masing-masing, karena sama-sama memajang foto kami yang terakhir. Kami mengobrol berjam-jam dan sepakat untuk bertemu lagi, dan lagi, dan lagi. Perlahan-lahan kami saling mengenal sebagai teman. Aku terkesan oleh budi baiknya, rasa hormatnya kepadaku, dan kenyataan bahwa dia menyukai anjing-anjingku. Kami memiliki banyak sekali kesamaan, namun dengan senang hati menerima perbedaan di antara kami masing-masing.

Setelah beberapa kali mengobrol dengan Shinwoo, aku dan dia memutuskan untuk mencoba menjalin hubungan jarak jauh. Karena jarak, dia banyak sekali memanfaatkan celah dan bertemu dengan orang-orang yang peduli dengan keadaanku. Kami semua perlu memastikan dialah lelaki yang diakuinya. Semua ini terjadi karena kami memilih untuk keluar dari segala sesuatu yang sudah biasa dan menjadi tradisi, untuk mempercayai Tuhan, dan mengambil risiko untuk mengenal lebih jauh perihal kencan online.

Kita mencintai bukan dengan menemukan orang yang sempurna, tetapi melihat ketidaksempurnaan dengan sempurna.

— Sam Keen

247 ㅡ ♕ 그 날 넌 내가 좋다고 했어.

근데 그 날에 기억나? 넌 내가 좋다고 했어. 그 예쁜 가로등 아래서 넌 내가 좋다고 말했어. 다음부턴 모른 척, 아닌 척해도, 확신을 해야 돼 넌, 그 날 넌 내가 좋다고 했어. — 좋다고 말해

가만히 눈을 감고 있어도 자꾸 생각나죠. 그댄 내게 마치 뜬 구름 같은걸. 사랑이란 말로 아직 부족한가요? 내 맘이 위험한가요? 그댄 내게 전부가 됐네요. 같은 길을 걷고 같은 꿈을 꾸고, 나 혼자만 몰래 상상을 하고. 그대 곁에 잠든 마치 연인 같은 그대와 내 모습.

나는 네가 필요해. 수줍은 나의 고백, 오랫동안 몰래, 숨겨왔던 노래. 참 순진했던 고백. 너도 좋다면 가까이 다가와. 울리지도 않는 전화기를 자꾸 보게되죠. 그댄 내게 기분 좋은 기대 같은걸. 하루만 더 기다리면 답이 올까요? 차라리 고백할까요? 한걸음만 더 다가와줘요.

오늘도 내일도 그댄 나의 전부 인걸요.

246 ㅡ ♕ 나만 안되는 연애.

그런 날이 있지, 눈물이 막 날것 같은 그런 날, 걷는 것마저 힘겹다고 느껴질 때, 네 곁에 그 누구도 몰라줄 때, 내가 널 안아줄게. 내품에 안겨 마음껏 울어 안아줄게. 내가 다 들어줄게. 아무에게도 말 못한 네 맘 내가 들어줄게. — 안아줄게

왠지 오늘따라 마음이 아픈지 했더니? 왜 항상 나는 이렇게 외로운 사랑을 하는지? 도무지 이해가 안가는 이상한 날이에요. 왜 그랬는지 묻고 싶죠. 날 사랑하긴 했는지. 그랬다면 왜 날 안아줬는지, 그렇게 예뻐했는지. 나만 이런 세상을 살고 있는 것 같아요. 바라보기만 하다 포기할 수는 없겠죠? 근데도 이렇게 아픈 마음만 가지고 사는 건 도무지 불공평해서 견딜 수가 없어요. 시작부터 사랑하지 않았다고 내게 말했었다면, 그랬다면 나의 마음은 이렇게 굳게 닫혔을까요? 

그대는 아무렇지 않겠죠?

내 눈물로 더 이상 붙잡을 수는 없겠죠?

근데도 이렇게 아픈 마음만 가지고 사는 건 도무지 불공평해서 견딜 수가 없어요.

아무렇지 않게 살아가도, 매일 밤이 고통스럽겠죠?

그대가 정이 많은 사람이었다면, 날 안아주진 않았을까요?

그래도... 그땐 행복했었는데. 나 좀... 사랑해주면 안돼? 여기있어 제발... 딴생각말고 제발 여기있어줘. 내 옆에 있어줘. 나... 행복해지고싶어...

계속 행복할 수 있게 곁에 있어줄래요?

245 ㅡ ♕ Don’t go breaking my heart, it’s the only one I got.

I got mixed emotions. Did I finally find me a river that could lead me out to the ocean? Because I have only ever known the kind of love that leaves you battered and broken. Forgive me for my mixed emotions. 

I’m not that kind of person who can fall in and out of love with you. That’s not what love’s supposed to do. So, don’t go breaking my heart, because it’s the only one I got. 

Am I being too open? Because I told you everything I have to say, and now we’re having a moment. Does it make you wanna pick up all your things and drive away like it’s stolen? Just forgive me if I’m being too open. 

I’ve been broken, I’ve been bruised. 

But, now I’m all in because of you. So, if you’re gonna love me, love me right.

But, if you’re gonna be someone that hurts somebody just for fun, then do it to a heart that isn’t mine. 

244 ㅡ ♕ Setelah Beberapa Lama.

Setelah beberapa lama, kau akan mengerti perbedaan tipis antara menggandeng tangan dan membelenggu jiwa,

Dan kau akan mengerti bahwa cinta bukan berarti bersandar dan teman bukan berarti aman,

Dan kau mulai mengerti bahwa ciuman bukanlah kontrak dan hadiah bukanlah janji,

Dan kau mulai menerima kekalahanmu sambil mengangkat kepala dan membuka mata, dengan kelapangan dada seorang dewasa, bukan kesedihan seorang anak,

Dan kau belajar membangun semua jalanmu hari ini karena tanah hari esok sangat tak pasti, sulit direncanakan.

Setelah beberapa lama kau mengerti bahwa sinar mentari pun akan membakarmu kalau berlebihan.

Jadi, tanamilah kebunmu dan hiasilah jiwamu, jangan menunggu orang lain membawa bunga untukmu.

Dan kau mengerti bahwa kau bisa bertahan...
Bahwa kau sebenarnya kuat,
Dan kau sebenarnya berharga.

243 ㅡ ♕ Lebih baik tak pernah kembali, jika tak ingin tinggal.

Kecewa, terlalu lemah.
Ragu, terbelenggu fantasi.
Menjauh agar tak perlu tahu.
Menghilang agar tidak menjadi gampang.
Terlalu lelah, selalu salah.

Suatu hari nanti, aku yakin, kamu akan tahu seberapa besarnya diriku. Bukan lekukan fisik, melainkan tulusnya hatiku untukmu.

Teruntuk,

Kamu, yang selalu hilang dan datang sesuka hatimu tanpa pernah memikirkan hatiku.

Sudah cukup, aku pergi.
Tak pantas untukku, kamu kurelakan.

Jika suatu hari nanti kamu kembali ke hadapanku dengan tatapan seakan aku menunggumu, kamu salah besar.

Aku bahkan tidak berjalan ke arahmu. Mungkin, memang sempat terpikirkan untuk melangkah maju, tetapi itu tidak kulakukan lagi. Karena aku sadar, itu hanyalah sebuah perasaan semu.

Hanya satu pintaku agar aku tak melakukan hal yang sama kepadamu saat kamu menyesal telah melewatkanku nantinya, yaitu jangan kamu datang hanya karena aku terlihat seperti memiliki banyak waktu yang bisa kuberikan untukmu, jangan kamu datang karena ingin melihatku selalu luluh, dan kumohon; lebih baik tak pernah kembali, jika tak ingin tinggal.

Biar aku yang pergi, biar aku yang menutup diri.
Biar aku yang berhenti, berhenti mengharapkanmu.

242 ㅡ ♕ When you start loving somebody else, only then, I will let you go.

Loving me, it isn’t hard. Now, come hug me, as you are.
Though our future remains uncertain, it’s that very vagueness that I like.
Why do things other than our love matter? Can you imagine our lives without each other? Surely we can love on. 

When you start loving somebody else,
When I get used to the life without you,
When that time comes,
When the end is the only way,
Only then,
I’ll let you go.

Loving you, it isn’t hard. Just one more smile, one more touch will do. 

Loving each other, it isn’t hard. If we start everyday as if it’s our first gaze. 

Why do things other than our love matter? Can you imagine our lives without each other? Surely we can love on. 

Whether you want it or not, I will love and be faithful to you.
Only when I fall and can’t walk anymore, when that time comes, when the end is the only way, only then, I’ll let you go.

I have given up,
I have told myself to stop,
I have done my best,
But, you never see my effort even once,
So, I decided to not know you,
Even though, deep inside my heart,
I can’t not know you.
Nonetheless,
This is for the best.
I’m gone for good.
— Ahn Youngyi, drowning in her 2017 thoughts of him.

241 ㅡ ♕ Aku, Ahn Youngyi, yang masih merindukanmu di tahun 2018.

“Sometimes I wish I could go back in life. Not to change things, just to feel a couple things twice.” — Drake

Malam ini, hujan.
Bersamaku, langit merindukanmu. 

Alih-alih menutup kepala dengan menggunakan kedua tangan untuk menghalau titik air yang mulai membasahi sekujur tubuhku, aku membiarkan isak tangis dari Sang Langit menyentuh raga dan hatiku. 

Aku menengadah, menutup mata, dan membayangkan wajahmu. Enggan memanggil kembali sebuah kisah yang sudah lama terpendam, tetapi dengan berat hati kukatakan: “Aku merindukanmu.” Rindu berupa lembaran kertas yang tertumpuk menjadi sebuah surat, dengan goresan bolpoin dari hati.

Laki-laki berperawakan lebih tinggi dariku yang setiap langkahnya membawa pesona, meninggalkan seberkas cahaya dalam kedua bola mataku setiap kali memandang. Popularitas membuat namamu melambung, dan membuatku harus berpikir dua kali untuk mendekat. 

Kamu, yang tak bisa kusentuh.

Aku ingat. Saat itu, aku melihatmu berjalan di lorong sekolah. Dalam diam, aku memotret paras menawanmu untuk kujadikan penyemangat hidup. Bahagia bukan main walau hanya memandang dari kejauhan. 

Oh, Tuhan. 
Jantungku berdetak heboh. 
Apakah aku sudah jatuh? 
Jatuh hati, rupanya.

Mereka menertawakanku yang diam-diam selalu memujamu tanpa pernah berhenti. Keras kepala, tidak tahu malu, di mana harga dirimu?—tidak ada yang membela, hanya makian yang dilontarkan ketika raga berkumpul bersama para persona tak punya hati.

Mereka, yang tidak percaya cinta.

Tahukah kamu, seseorang yang tidak dapat kumiliki, ketika mereka menggunakan segala cara untuk menyadarkanku bahwa kamu tak akan pernah menyadari presensiku, apa yang aku katakan kepada mereka? 

“Ketertarikan adalah bahagia yang sederhana.”

Maka, banyak pertanyaan mereka berikan dengan maksud ingin mencari kelemahanku. Masih dalam usaha ingin menyadarkanku bahwa kamu tidak akan pernah berniat menemukanku di tengah keramaian. 

Kamu, adalah sebuah bintang yang bersinar terang.
Aku, hanyalah seorang pengagum bintang.

“Tidakkah kamu sakit karena tak mendapatkannya?” 

Sebuah pertanyaan kudapatkan, dan aku tersenyum. 

“Kamu akan belajar, belajar, dan belajar sampai kamu benar-benar dewasa. Sampai kamu yakin bahwa jawaban itu pasti: Tidak. Kamu tidak akan sakit, jika kamu benar-benar memahami.”

“Mengapa?” 

Mereka meminta alasan sebagai jawaban. 

“Kamu akan selalu ingin berada di sampingnya dan memandangnya tertawa karena rasa sayang tidak akan pernah hilang, meskipun raga tak kamu miliki. Kamu akan bahagia hanya karena tertawa bersamanya dari kejauhan.”

Kemudian, aku menegaskan pernyataan yang aku buat nyata. 

“Suka dan sayang adalah dua hal yang berbeda. Ingatlah, setiap kali kamu berada di sampingnya ... bersiaplah untuk kembali jatuh hati. Mengapa? Karena rasa sayang tak akan pernah hilang.”

Aku menjelaskan jawabanku dengan menggunakan ‘kamu’ karena aku ingin kamu yang tidak pernah bisa kugapai, kamu yang selalu kunantikan kehadirannya, dan kamu yang pernah hadir dalam hidupku sebagai bintang, tahu seberapa besar keinginanku untuk hanya menatapmu dari jauh.

Tidak pernah ada keraguan dalam mengambil sebuah keputusan. Mulai dari meyakinkan diri untuk memantapkan hati sebelum mulai menyukai, sampai kepada perpisahan secara sepihak yang aku tetapkan sebagai keputusan untuk berhenti memandangmu sebab pedih dalam dada mulai kurasakan.

“Tanya hatimu, tetapi pakai otakmu. Perasaan, pemikiran, dan kenyataan di sini adalah tiga hal yang berbeda.” 

Aku mengatakan kalimat itu untuk menampar diriku sendiri. Berulang kali kukatakan agar hatiku benar-benar pedih hingga air mata pun membasahi kedua pipi. Aku menangis.

Setelah kudapati diriku jatuh terlalu dalam, dan kamu tidak juga menolehkan kepala untuk mencoba menyelamatkanku, aku meyakinkan diriku bahwa aku tak akan lagi mencoba berharap. Aku belum benar-benar berharap. Aku hanya ingin mencobanya. Namun, semua itu tak akan kulakukan lagi.

Kini, aku tak akan lagi berdiri di sampingmu, terdiam mendukungmu dalam kesedihanku. Aku akan memberanikan diri untuk berjalan maju. Berjalan maju ke tengah-tengah keramaian sampai kamu menemukanku. 

Aku tak akan menunggu lagi.
Aku tak akan berusaha lagi.
Aku tidak lelah.
Aku tidak menyerah.
Aku tidak menangis.

Aku hanya harus mengistirahatkan hatiku karena terlalu sering berusaha mengerti semua tentangmu. Aku masih berusaha mengerti. Aku belum benar-benar mengerti. Aku tidak pandai, tetapi aku mau berusaha mengerti.

Luka lama masih membekas, walaupun tak membuatku meringis lagi. Luka baru tak memberi bekas, namun kenangan akan bagaimana aku mendapatkan luka itu akan selamanya menyayat hati. Lukaku masih belum sembuh. Namun, kini aku menjadi lebih kuat menghadapi kenyataan pahit.

Aku akan pergi.
Cari aku.

Jika tidak, maka aku akan benar-benar pergi meninggalkanmu tanpa menoleh ke belakang, dan ketika kamu merasa kehilangan lalu mencariku ... maka saat itulah aku akan mulai menanyakan hatiku kembali.

“Apakah kamu masih berdiri di sana menunggunya datang mencarimu? Ataukah kamu sudah berjalan pergi dari kerumunan itu karena terlalu sakit?” 

Suara hatiku yang tak mau didengar oleh siapa pun terekam jelas dalam benak. 

Jawabanku adalah, “Aku tidak lagi di sana—menunggunya.”

Kenyataan telah bertemu dengan sang akhir, lalu mengapa tak aku akhiri juga mimpiku yang hanyalah sebuah angan-angan semata? Kini, aku tak tahu bagaimana cara membedakan mimpi dan kenyataan. Mengapa? Karena terlalu sering bermimpi dalam diam, dan bercerita dalam tangis.

Terima kasih untuk hari-hari yang kamu ciptakan bagiku untuk bermimpi. Mungkin banyak hal yang tak dapat kamu percaya dalam hidup ini, tetapi percayalah bahwa kamu pernah menjadi cinta pertama seseorang. 

Salam hangat untukmu, 

Aku, Ahn Youngyi, yang masih merindukanmu di tahun 2018.

240 ㅡ ♕ Happy new year, xoxo.

It's never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start over because I believe in you as much as you believe in yourself, and deep inside your heart, you know that you are stronger than you've ever thought you are.

Things might not happen according to your plan, but I believe you can always get through it. You are strong, so keep your chin up, and see the world your way. Believe in yourself, and never lose hope because you deserve the world, and you are loved.

ㅡ from me to me

239 ㅡ ♕ It gets more lonely...

It gets a little more lonely when you are surrounded by lots of people, but you don't have anything to say because you exactly have nothing to brag about, and they don't curious about what you were doing all day long because you are just nothing.

238 ㅡ ♕ Am I alone in this crowded street?

Can't you stop for a bit for me?

It's too hard to walk any longer

The wind blows and it's still

Is there no place for me in this big world?

Am I alone in this crowded street?

Is there no empty seat for me?

So far away...

237 ㅡ ♕ Tonight is another sleepless night.

I get more and more scared

I'm running but my feet and heart forget why

Dreams just become baggage now

My only hope is to just leave it behind and run

Rushing myself to take just one more step

But when I looked up, I'm right in front of a cliff

I look back and all these expectations are lined up behind me

It pretends to support me but it's pushing my back

I wanted to place a comma in my heart sometimes

But now it's mixed up with all these numbers

The calculating world holds out its hand

I don't want to hold it but I'm even more scared of being empty-handed

I can hold it but would time really be the only thing that goes away?

As I look at the cloudy sky

I thought, I used to have dreams at one point

Tonight is another sleepless night

236 ㅡ ♕ I'm a supporting cast in my own story.

How does it feel to be the center of everyone's attention?

How does it feel to be able to do everything you want and everyone's supporting?

You are the main character while I'm just a supporting cast in my own story.

They never wonder about what I'm doing, they only worry about what you are thinking.

They asked only because manners, so that they looked like they're worrying.

How does it feel to be able to voice out your thoughts and everyone's listening?

How does it feel to live a life everyone thinking is great?

Living is hard, I'm trying to hold on to myself so I don't break into pieces.

Voicing everything is hard because I have nothing to brag about.

Sometimes, I want to stop being me who doesn't get a chance to live a proper life.

Somewhere, I want to get lost and stop worrying about life.

Someday, I won't look back and see myself crying.

235 ㅡ ♕ I'm an amateur defender.

Come to think of it, I've never been a striker in my life. I've always defended myself, and stepped back at the right timing. I have neither the courage to take the ball nor the ability to avoid it. I'm an amateur defender. — 윤지호

234 ㅡ ♕ I was a snail chasing after dreams.

In a world of competition, my friends threw themselves for a line on their resume. In between them, I was a snail chasing after dreams. — 윤지호

233 ㅡ ♕ The standards of the world is becoming like Everest

Nothing has changed

I’m alone in this playground

I got on top of the high bars

But, I’ve been on my tip toes all my life

What’s always been asked of me

Is to reach a bit higher than I’m able to

The standards of the world is becoming like Everest

The more I go towards the top, stress builds up like a mountain

I know I can never rest

No sleeping pills to put my anxieties to sleep

So I’m biting down on my tongue and staying up all night

Since I was young

I was taught to stay in line

Now I know why

Complicated relationships, it’s a paradox

Only relationships exist and there’s no room for humans

Afraid of becoming ordinary, I dreamed a dream

But now, I’m jealous of the ordinary

As I stand all alone in the rain

If you don’t grow, growing pains is just pain