276 ㅡ ♕ I thought, I deserved be happy.

I had cried all over this blanket. I'm frustrated that I didn't resolve a misunderstanding. I pretended to be okay and pretended to smile. But, I look shabby in the mirror. 

She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Raising an eyebrow, asking a question about what happened to her. Though it was clearly that she had just done crying for hours. It made her eyes swollen and her face turned into the color of scarlet. She sighed, and suddenly wanted to shed another drop of tears, but she bit her lower lip, just to prevent her from crying again. "Don't cry, you deserve better."

Don't worry, it doesn't hurt. I was always strong and confident, but why am I sad like this?

Lowering her gaze, she refused to look at her visual which only made her heart scattered into pieces. The more she looked at her miserable figure, she started to imagine the unknown future. She was actually sure about it. She would stop looking. She would end up being with herself for the time being, because you know, things were getting complicated when you started knowing someone and you accidentally had given that someone all your heart, but you didn't get anything back, and it ended up become things that no one wanted to fight for. "You will be stronger, and loving yourself even more."

When I turn into a grown up, when I get taller, I really knew how to be happy back then, but why?

She knew what love was. Before meeting you, she wrote lots of stories about broken feelings and pathetic unrequited love. But, since knowing you considered a miracle for her, she decided to go with the flow. She tended to be quiet every time she hung out with some friends, but with you, she tried to give reactions for every conversations you both had. She listened, although no one willing to listen to her stories before, although still the same until now, but she decided to open up and became someone who deserved better, when actually I believed that she indeed deserved the world ever since the first time she doubted herself. "Did you really know how to be happy back then?"

When it gets hard, like a grown up, I cannot hold my tears anymore when I'm a grown up.

Knowing you was a special present for her. She was a girl who would love everyone sincerely. Even if the world against her, she would still give you her heart. Not a stupidity, but a sincere heart she had, because she always believed that: at least, people are good at heart. It was always like that. She gave her fragile heart to the wrong person, got herself disappointed, and still wanted to keep loving sincerely; secretly. Sometimes, I asked her, "Do you want to be happy?"

I ate up all of my age, but I'm just a young duckling. Among this big world, there is a thick barrier that blocks me. It's frustrating. As I go up, the more higher it is. Was being an adult always like this?

She became more mature as time passed by. The help of her family and friends turned her into a strong woman. She could be seen smiling when no one wanted her to do, because she believed that the world would stop doing anything, if she had shown that she was stronger than before. But, the more she started pretending to be happy, the more people considered her a happy one. Then, she ended up sitting alone, being labeled as 'Miss Perfect' for some reasons. She lived the life everyone considered perfect; no family drama, had an older sister who would stand beside her accompanying her going up against the world, never ever curse, no one hated her because she would think about your feelings first before hers, and even though she didn't have lots of friends, she was always grateful that she had few friends who got her back. So, I asked her something, "Do you actually think you are happy right now?"

Don't give up, don't fall down. I already knew all of that stuff, I need something else. 

She would be the one who told others to be strong, to stand still, to fight for everything even if the world against your decision to be happy. Sincerely, she loved to encourage people. But, no one ever told her those kind of encouragement words. Sometimes she needed to write everything down for herself. She used to think about giving up. Things went wrong once, and suddenly the thoughts of giving up became her number one priority to do. But, a miracle happened to be given to her. Knowing you, meeting you, getting to know more about you, may be something that others would not considered as a miracle. But, for her, you had helped her change her vision into something better. She didn't think about her worth anymore because she knew that you would look at her. That was actually what she thought about you, but because she didn't know your heart, she kept on trying to find your heart, and in the end, she hurt herself by knowing that you might be someone who thought that she was worthless from the start. At all my questions, she answered me confidently, "I was, and I am happy to be me." 

As time passes, will people understand? As time passes, will I really turn into a grown up?

As I have stated before, I kept on writing about: things went wrong, and it indeed turned out that way. After all these time, the door which had been closed for years, finally opened again for you; the heart which had been frozen, finally could feel the warmth again; the life which she thought would never become a happy one, finally became a place to smile; but it was just a temporary happiness. She thought she could be okay, and another answer was given to me, "I thought, I deserved be happy."

My tears, please stop. Don't worry, I will only cry for today. Just until then, will you keep holding my hand?

She wouldn't ask for a companion, because she knew, ever since the start, no one willing to stay. "I don't think I want anyone."